Living Without
Part Twelve
But she was all he could think about. There she was -- stalking him. She was like a shadow lurking behind his every move, every thought, every stare. She dwelled in all the darkest of corners. She laid next to him in bed and whispered tormentingly into his ear each night. She was the grains of salt that mercilessly clung to his every wound. The unmistaken sensation that accompanied every delicate touch of a woman he had ever felt.
Every honeyed kiss bore her signature. The taste of her rolled across his tongue before melting like candy and ultimately flowing down his throat. He had never tasted anything so bittersweet! His stomach churned and his skin crawled with chills. Oh, how he wanted to spit her out! He needed to spit her out or he'd die -- die of whatever she was doing to him.
Her sweet, potent scent was all over the place. The intoxicating odor filled his lungs and immediately following, his chest burned with a fiery pang. She was burning him from the inside out. What had she done to him?
This woman was an obsession, or maybe he was just possessed. Her image was a permanent fixture in his mind and despite his numerous efforts, she steadfastly remained in her place. She wouldn't leave. She haunted every part of him, her last words torturously echoing within the core of his bones. It was all too much. He couldn't take any of it anymore and he had to do something about it. He aimed the gun at her.
"Daddy?"
He quickly glanced in the direction of the voice and immediately back at the woman who had been possessing his mind for too damn long.
"Danielle, go back to your room! Dani!" he called in a warning tone. "Stay away from her!!" he was yelling as his daughter ran into her arms. "No!!" he shouted when she carried up Danielle and turned to walk away.
To stop her, he pulled the trigger without any thought and he bombarded her back with a shower of bullets. Once the haze cleared, he saw that she was still standing. She looked down at her body that was full of holes and down at her bloody hands. She looked over at him with eyes full of sorrow and she silently told him to look at his hands. The gun fell from his grasp when he found that his hands were too covered in blood. He raised his head in confusion and it was then that he saw his daughter's lifeless body laying on the ground. *
Danny popped out of his nightmare in a cold sweat, grasping at his throat and breathing rapidly just as Juan was about to touch him. His friend tried to calm him down for he was hysterical, asking to see his children and wanting to know if they were okay.
"It's alright," Juan told him. "You're at the Springs. It was just a dream."
"I have to see them...I have to see my children-"
"They're fine, Danny! Calm down. They're not here. They're at your mother's house, remember?"
"Dani's hurt!" Danny barked. "Let me go! I have to go see my daughter!"
"It was just a dream, Danny," Juan struggled with him until he came to the realization that it was indeed a dream.
Danny stared the man in the face for a long time and then glanced over at Elisabeth where she stood by the parlor entrance. The pace of his racing heart and his breathing gradually began to slow down, and he glanced at Juan once again before coming to his feet.
"Could you get him some water?" Juan asked Elisabeth and she nodded before leaving to get the requested. "Hey," he went up to Danny, who was rubbing on the back his neck. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Here you go," Elisabeth walked quickly back into the parlor with the glass of water and Danny accepted it, promptly taking a sip.
"Anyone know you're here?" he asked Elisabeth, shifting the attention away from his horrid episode of a nightmare, and she shook her head no. He moved some distance from their gawking eyes and sat the glass on the mantel of the fireplace. "Thank you for coming back."
"I'd like to know why I'm back. From my understanding, you don't need me."
"No, I don't need you. Michelle does," he said and Juan and Elisabeth glanced at one another.
"W-what do you mean Michelle needs me?" Elisabeth asked. "She's...!" "Not dead," Danny carefully cut in.
"But you shot at her!" Elisabeth exclaimed. "Didn't you?"
Danny stared at her with those fierce, cold eyes of his and Elisabeth was about to speak again when Juan silenced her and escorted her out of the room. He came back into the parlor a few minutes later to find Danny sitting down with his elbows resting on his legs and his hands buried under his dark, curly mane. His head hung low and his eyes were closed. Juan crouched down in front of him and watched him for a while, wondering what was going through that head of his. He must have been scolding himself because of this.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?" Danny asked, his voice rugged.
"What you were dreaming about for starters," Juan replied.
"I don't want to talk about that," Danny immediately told him.
"It had something to do with your children, right? What happened? Did it have anything to do with Michelle?"
"I SAID I don't want to talk about it!"
"It must have terrified you-"
"Juan, are you hard of hearing?!" Danny bit. "Let it alone!"
Momentary pause.
"You didn't shoot her," Juan started up again.
"I didn't kill her if that's what you mean," Danny remarked. "She's probably dead by now anyway. Perhaps a shock induced heart attack lead to her demise."
"That's what you're hoping. You probably pointed that gun anywhere but at her! You didn't even scratch her with the bullet, did you?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?!" Danny snapped, raising his head to look his friend dead in the face.
"You were the only two in the room!" Juan replied in the same manner. "Why didn't you do it?"
"Don't ask me questions I don't have the answers to, alright?" Danny told him as he jumped out of his seat and walked away from him.
"You have the answers, Danny," Juan said, getting up from his crouched position. "Have you finally lost your mind?!"
"I pulled a gun on my wife!!" Danny yelled back at him. "How much more lost can my mind get?!"
"She's not your wife anymore, Daniel."
"I know that!"
"I don't think you do! You got in that room, took one look at her, and chickened out!"
"Shut up!!" Danny ordered, pointing with all five fingers. "I did not chicken out."
"You are unbelievable," Juan remarked and a moment of silence passed between them as they both tried to calm down. "Not for one microsecond did I think you could do it," Juan spoke up first.
"So much for having faith in me, FRIEND!"
"I had the faith that you'd do whatever you believed was right, and you thought killing Michelle was the way to go, so I supported you."
"And you say I'm unbelievable..."
"Danny, I've known you since what? Birth? I knew each and every one of your girlfriends, and not a single one of them had the effect on you that Michelle did. You know how they say people fall in love? Danny, you CRASHED into it. After an accident that severe, I couldn't recognize you anymore."
"I don't have any feelings for Michelle," Danny remained adamant.
"I know," Juan replied easily. "That's why you were so hell bent on revenge, so determined to kill her, and why you did exactly just that!"
"Your sarcasm will get you killed one day, Alvarez."
"I doubt you'd be the one pulling the trigger."
"Don't tempt me," Danny was saying when the lights went out. "Great," he exhaled and threw his hands up in the air.
"Danny? Juan?"
"Lis, we'll be right up!" Juan shouted out. "Are you alright up there?"
"Yes!"
"What about Michelle? Is she breathing?"
"Yeah! I think she's unconscious though. I won't know anything for sure until I can get some light!"
"Dead by now you say?" Juan asked Danny.
"You'll be dead in a second if you don't shut up."
"That's such an empty threat, Danny," Juan said as they were feeling their way out of the parlor. Bumping a side table, Juan knocked over a lamp and it noisily crashed to the floor.
"You're going to pay for that," Danny informed him.
"Man, where are the goddamn candles?? Flashlights! Don't you have some of those gas lanterns?"
"They're out in the shed," Danny replied. "The way you tend to eat me out of house and home, one would think you'd know where the candles were by now. Or maybe you ate them too."
"Juan!" Elisabeth called again. "I really need some light up here. I can't see anything!"
"Where are they?" Juan asked Danny of the candles as they groped at their surroundings.
"In the first left cabinet in the kitchen. I'll go get the lanterns."
**
"Where's Danny?" Elisabeth asked as Juan moved away from the fireplace he had just lit.
"He's coming."
"She needs more sheets. Are there anymore blankets?"
"I'll get some," Juan then left the room briefly and came back with three blankets. "Are these enough?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"Is she okay?"
"Her fever is steadily increasing," Elisabeth replied. "If I don't get it down, we're going to have to take her to the hospital."
"She's not going anywhere," Danny said as he stepped into the room with one of the lanterns he had gotten.
"We won't have a choice, Danny," she told him, her eyes following him as he moved to the other end of the room. "She could die here! You didn't kill her yourself, so obviously you don't want her dead! Or are you confused as to what you really want?"
"She's not going anywhere," Danny repeated.
"I can't believe you made me a part of this mess, Juan," Elisabeth remarked as she got up from where she was sitting on the bed and headed for the room's bathroom.
"Neither can I," Danny said, shooting a look at Juan as Elisabeth breezed past him. "The last thing I need is another voice of reason," he muttered under his breath.
"Can I speak with you out there?" Juan pointed at the door and both of them stepped out of the room. "You know she's right," he started. "Michelle can't stay here-"
"She can't go to the hospital either," Danny interceded.
"Hear me out," Juan told him and Danny reluctantly held his tongue. "How long do you think it'll be before Dietz tells your mother about Michelle? And you did mention that Pilar knows, right?"
"Yeah, she does, but she won't mention it to anyone. She wasn't even going to tell me about it until I squeezed it out of her."
"And Carmen could easily do the exact same thing to her," Juan said. "Look, nothing against your sister, but Pilar isn't exactly known for being tight lipped."
"She won't talk," Danny insisted.
"Okay. Fine. She won't talk, but given the right opportunity, Dietz will. We both know that you aren't exactly on his list of favorite people." "He has favorite people??" Danny asked as if shocked.
"We have to make our move now. Your occupant needs to be transported out of here immediately."
**
Some time after 12 a.m.
Danny stepped out of his vehicle and ran up numerous cement steps, making his way up to the cherubim double doors of the church. The rain was still coming down in sheets, thunder was still cracking, and the bright flashing of light lit up the darkened sky as Danny banged noisily on both doors and called out for someone to let him in. When he got no response, he backed away from the doors and searched to see if he'd find any stained windows that were illuminated by someone turning on the lights. Nothing. He resumed his banging until he was finally answered.
"Well, it's about damned time," he seethed as he turned around and gestured for his entourage to come along.
"What are you doing here?" Ray asked, looking over his cousin's shoulder to see Juan stepping out of the van that was behind Danny's car. "Do you have any idea how late it is? What are you and Juan Alvarez up to?"
"I need your help," Danny said as he turned away from Juan, who was now aiding Elisabeth out the back of his unplated vehicle.
"I'd say. What is going on?"
"I've got someone who needs a safe place to stay."
"And you thought of here."
"Considering the situation, yes," Danny replied.
"What situation?" Ray asked, dreading the answer. "Danny, what have you gotten yourself into?"
Elisabeth made it up the top of the steps and Juan followed close behind, carrying a wrapped up individual draped in his rain coat. They were attempting to go into the church, but Ray wouldn't budge.
"Let me see the person," he ordered and Juan glanced over at Danny and Ray did the same. "You won't let me know who it is?"
"It's Michelle," Danny replied with an indifferent, cold tone.
"What?!"
"She really needs to get out of this rain, Father Ray," Elisabeth's soft voice spoke out. "She's very sick."
"Sick?!" Ray exclaimed, his eyes focused on only Danny. "Sick?!"
"Please, Father," Elisabeth begged. "We must get her inside."
**
"You can't do this," Ray protested as he followed his cousin. "I cannot believe you did this! You cannot kidnap a grown woman and hold her hostage!"
"Oh, so now you won't help me?"
"Do you have any idea how much danger you've put her in?"
"I'm not worried about that right now," Danny told him as he motioned for Juan to get up from where he sat. "Lis will stay here with her."
"Danny, you heard what Elisabeth said. Michelle's condition is getting worse. She needs to go to a hospital."
"She is NOT going ANYWHERE!!!" Danny yelled back at Ray and his voice echoed throughout the church as both men stared tensely at one another. "She's saying here. She's claiming sanctuary."
"The woman's floating in and out of consciousness, Daniel!" Ray told him. "She needs professional help."
"Lis is all the professional we need. She's a doctor."
"Nurse," Juan quietly corrected.
"There's no talking any sense into him, is there?" Ray asked Juan and he shook his head.
"I'll be back in the morning," Danny said, ignoring whatever Ray was babbling about, and he started for the door.
Ray pulled him back to him by the arm and Danny immediately shrugged his cousin off.
"You listen to me, mi primo," Ray started. "I don't know what in God's name is going on in that head of yours, but I'll tell you one thing. If you don't get that woman the attention she needs, then I will. I won't stand here and allow her to possibly die from this."
"Why don't I make this easy for all of you. Take her to Cedars! That way you'd run smack into Rick Bauer!" he bellowed sarcastically.
"You need to get her some help, Danny. I don't care what kind of game you think you're playing with this woman's life, but you're going to end it now! You WILL get her a doctor!" Ray told him and he sighed when he saw that he wasn't getting to his cousin at all. "You loved her once and I know that hasn't completely died in you. If it had, you would've killed her back at the Springs," he commented and Danny started away from him. "She's the mother of your children! Doesn't that count for anything?" Ray asked and Danny was out of the cherubim doors.
**
Driving in the dark for more than 10 miles without his headlights on and going a little more than fast for the terrible weather condition, Danny drove blindlessly and without any concentration as he sped down the road. All he could think about was her. Her. The image of her facial expression when he pulled the trigger was etched in all fronts of his mind, and at the very moment, she had looked so much like his Danielle. Her eyes belonged to his Michael. He tried to blink it all away, but it was inescapable.
Her. The dream. The dream.
Danny was drawn out of his thoughts when he nearly slammed into a parked car, and the force he applied on the brakes sent his car sliding across the slick road. When the car came to a halt, Danny sat still for a moment before looking around him to see that he was now faced in the opposite direction. He glanced behind him one more time and then in front of him. He had been turned around.
"Get it together, Santos," he scolded himself as he pounded on the steering wheel with clenched fists. "Get it together."
**
Meanwhile, back at the church:
"Your cousin is completely losing it, Raymond. I honestly thought he killed her. I then found out that he didn't and he couldn't give me an explanation as to why not-"
"Of course he couldn't. He's not as cold as he's trying to make everyone think he is," he added and turned to look at the man standing off to the side. "You wanted him to kill her, Juan Carlos??" Ray asked incredulously. "I can't believe you were even in on this! Oh, yes! But of course! Why wouldn't his best pal be his partner in crime?"
"You make it sound so awful. Just because you're a priest now doesn't make you a saint, Raymond," Juan harshly spoke in a hushed tone where they stood at the back of the church. "You know the game. You know how it is, how it works. You were a part of it."
"Were is the operative word here," Ray replied. "And I am not a saint. Obviously not since I'm still alive. I've made my mistakes and I've paid for them. All of them. Despite any of my past involvements, I did and still do know what the difference is between right and wrong. At least my papa taught me that!"
"What are you implying? That my papa did not teach me?? That he has no morals?"
"I will reserve my comments. I don't even want to get to talking about Ramon Alvarez," he added as he slipped down into a pew. "I have a more pressing issue at hand."
Juan blew out some air and dropped the subject as well. "I didn't want her to die," he told Ray after a short silence and Ray looked up at him when he spoke. "She was the wife of the man who's basically my brother! I know how much he used to love her," Juan said and Ray cocked an eyebrow at the last comment. "He was a mess when she left. That whole deal tore him apart."
"I can only imagine."
"Nothing had been the same for him after that. He threw himself into SanCorp and Carmen always had him traveling. He had no time for the kids. Somehow his mommy dearest was able to sneak Alejandra Ramirez back into his life when he had went to Spain for a few weeks," Juan narrated as he too took a seat. "The next thing I know, he's getting married to her!"
"Marrying a Ramirez is suicide."
"At least someone else in this town can see! He's digging himself into a very gigantic hole. He doesn't love her and if Escobar finds out, Danny is as good as fried chicken!" Juan remarked. "Look, I wasn't exactly in agreement with the whole 'I'm going to kill my ex-wife' bit, but that's what he had his heart set on and if he needed me to be there, I was going to be there."
"Even if you did not agreed with it? Even when it meant killing his ex-wife? Killing anyone?"
"If she or anyone else did something against him, yes," Juan said and Ray shook his head with disappointment. "Obviously your cousin is having a hard time with the fact that he pulled a gun on her, let alone the part about pulling the trigger. Earlier, he had some crazy nightmare and when he awoke, he was hysterical! It took me a while to calm him down. I'm guessing it had something to do with Michelle, but he wouldn't say. I'm afraid he won't be able to hold up. Carmen will figure this shit out."
"Danny can hold his own," Ray assured him.
"With how he's been acting today, I'm not so sure," Juan was saying when they were interrupted by Elisabeth, who was making her descent from the upstairs room in which they had Michelle.
"How is she?" Ray asked as soon as she was in sight.
"Scared. Confused. Hot. In pain. She's conscious though. Her fever has broken slightly, but I still think she should see a doctor."
"As soon as the storm clears, I'll call one," Ray said.
"Please do," Elisabeth remarked as she sat down in between the men and rested her head against Juan's shoulder in exhaustion. "You want to know what's so ironic about this whole thing? As soon as she came to, she was calling for Danny."
**
Casa Santos - minutes before one a.m.:
No one seemed to be awake when Danny walked into the house and he was more than relieved. That was one less person to try to explain anything to. He took off his jacket and dropped his keys on top of a table right outside his children's room before stepping inside.
Closing the door as quietly as he could, he carefully entered and made his way closer to their beds. He drew in a deep breath when he beheld their sleeping figures and he suddenly felt nervous. It made no sense, but that's how he felt. He went over to where Michael peacefully slept and knelt down by his bed, smoothing over his chocolate curls with two fingers and watching him breath in and out. He was so glad to see him okay. They had both better be fine or else someone in that house was definitely going to feel his wrath.
Danny leaned over his son and lightly placed a kiss on his forehead. He stared at him for a moment more before leaving his side and making his way over to his daughter. Danielle. How elated he was to see that she was still breathing, contrary to that nightmare he had earlier. That was all he could think about. That and the woman his children should rightfully be calling "mommy."
That wave of guilt washed over him again. The feeling of having betrayed bit at his heart. He had cheated his children by playing along with a lie of which his mother initiated. A lie that he now wished he hadn't allowed himself to be a part of.
Alejandra wasn't their mother. Michelle was. And no matter what had happened between them in the past, that fact can never be changed. Neither could any other facts of his life. He was once happy and married and....in love. All of that was taken away on a single day; the day Michelle left him, their children, and their commitment. She took all that he had become and left a cold, dark, empty and apathetic man behind. He was now back to being Danny Santos, the son Carmen had desperately missed and celebrated upon his return. The ruthless son she was so proud to have raised. The one who showed more loyalty to his family than to some woman. The poker faced protegee, whose every spoken word had everyone at attention. He was back.
The families feared and respected him. They always referred to him as Miguel's son, for he truly had what it took to fill his fallen father's shoes. Danny did not know if he should take that as a compliment or as an insult. Miguel Santos was a man who had made it to unbelievable heights by cheating, robbing, lying, and killing others to benefit himself. No one was off limits. Not even his closest allies. The irony of it all was that he attended church every Sunday and claimed to be a "man of God."
Danny was not sure if he wanted to fill those shoes. He was never one to be like his father. That was his brother Mick and cousin Diego's department. They were the violent, thieving, murderous, and fly by-the-mouth kind of people who lived up to every expectation anyone has ever had for them. They were to step in after Miguel's death. That was until they were murdered.
Things happened that way in this line of business and Danny didn't want to go out like that! The idea of going legit was appealing and was his only escape. It still is his only escape. After what went down tonight, he was sure of it. Leading this life was going to send him to the grave and his children as well.
Danny watched his beautiful daughter for the longest time. Thank goodness her God forbidden death was unreal. He didn't know what he'd do if such a thing happened. His children meant the world to him and if he lost them, he'd have nothing. Nothing at all.
He sighed to himself and then kissed the child's forehead and whispered, "Happy Birthday, baby."
Danny stood up from where he was, glanced at them both, and bid them good night before leaving their room as quietly as he had come in. He wanted so badly to see those beautiful eyes of his daughter staring up at him and feel her little arms wrapped around his neck and hear her angelic voice bless his ears. His son was such a hyperactive tike that just about anything he did was enough to make Danny smile. And he did smile. Sadly.
Danny picked up his keys from the table and headed for his room. He stopped short of the door when something struck him. He checked his watch for the time and then pulled out his phone from his pocket.