�
'Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed,
When not to be, receives reproach of being,
And the just pleasure lost, which is so deemed,
Not by our feeling, but by others' seeing.
For why should others' false adulterate eyes
Give salutation to my sportive blood?
Or on my frailties why are frailer spies,
Which in their wills count bad what I think good?
No, I am that I am, and they that level
At my abuses, reckon up their own,
I may be straight though they themselves be bevel;
By their rank thoughts, my deeds must not be shown
Unless this general evil they maintain,
All men are bad and in their badness reign.*
Drew smiled a bittersweet smile as she tossed an old, dirty pair
of tennis shoes in the general direction of her bed. Packing is such
a pain in the ass, she thought, as she pulled yet another bright pink
blouse from the back corner of her closet. Wrinkling her nose, she
wondered what she was thinking when she bought it, then tossed in
onto the separate pile on the couch.
�Maybe someone at the Salvation Army with like it,� she said to herself as she tossed another skirt onto her bed. Rummaging through her closet some more, she found a pair of shoes that she recognized as not her own. They were Michelle�s.
Two weeks had passed since the end of Michelle�s trial. Drew and Jesse had split few days later. She had been upset that he had taken Michelle�s side against her own, even though she herself had felt twinges of doubt when confronted with the fear that Michelle had killed her father. However their faltering relationship had not survived the blow. The fact that he couldn�t understand her desperate need to know the truth that been a crushing disappointment. Sure, she missed him, a lot, but something had died in her when he had again turned to Michelle. It had felt awful, to again be let down by him, in favor of Michelle, and there had been nothing he could have done to fix the damage done to her faith in him.
No one seemed to understand the pain she was going through over the death of Ben. Most would say �you barely knew him,� �he wasn�t the only father you ever knew,� or �he was such a bad guy.� People never realized that those were the reasons she grieved so much. She had barely known him, and had desperately wanted to know him better. He had been a bad guy, but she knew he had been changing. Everyone deserves that chance to change. Everyone deserves that chance to know his or her fathers, or mothers for that matter, she thought angrily.
And sure, he wasn�t the only father she had known. He hadn�t raised her. He had never been there for her. But he was the man who had given her life and she deserved the chance to get to know him. She had deserved that chance�there are countless people who never get the chance to reconcile with their birth parents. Look at Michelle, she lost Claire, who is definitely not a saint�from what she had heard�who�s to say they could never be close if given the opportunity?
Drew grieved for the things she had lost besides Ben, she had lost the chance to have a friend in him, a chance to have a father again. Who ever lost one parent and really gets the chance to have another one? Who gets that damn lucky?
Drew threw another dress on the couch in anger, tears blinding her as the anger swelled up again. No one had understood. Not even Selena, her mother, or Max, her brother, both of who should have understood the best of all.
No�wait�someone had understood. Danny had understood.
�
He had been an unlikely ally in all of this. He had understood, better than anyone else, what it was like to have a family member who was considered �bad.� He had understood how it felt to love someone despite their flaws�and how it felt to loose that person way to early. He understood how it felt to have no idea who had killed his father and to also have known who killed his brother and having to live with that.
She had been surprised when he had approached her at Company. The court case against Michelle had just been warming up and they hadn�t yet found the witness who stated she saw Michelle at Towers that night. She had been sitting by herself in a corner booth, crying uncontrollably, all the pain of the trial and the events surrounding it finally getting the best of her. She had just given in to her emotions, like she tended to.
He had come over and sat down beside her. She had looked up at him and been surprised by the understanding she had seen in the eyes she had once called cold. He had simply wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close, letting her drain herself of her tears and grief.
Once devoid of more tears, she had pulled away and looked at him again, with eyes red and swollen.
�What are you going here?� she had asked, shuffling and wiping her nose and cheeks as she moved away from him a little bit.
�You looked like you needed a friend,� he said. He raised his arm to bring the waitress over and ordered the both of them a drink. She laughed half-heartedly and attempted to make a lame joke about the last time they drank together. He smiled briefly, and then looked away from her, as if searching for a familiar face.
�Checking to see if anyone is watching?� she asked a little more harshly than she meant too, realizing he probably wouldn�t want to be seen with her and she moved further away from him.
He turned and looked at her, his eyes again hard and dark, his expression closely shuttered.
�Like I said, I thought you needed a friend so I came over. I don�t care what anyone else thinks about it.�
�Oh please Danny, don�t give me that!� she said a little louder than she intended. �You care way too much about what other people think, say or wonder about you! Look at you, you left your family because of what Michelle thought about you,� Drew said, unconsciously reacting in her usual way �push them away before they get to close to you that you start to care and then get hurt again� mode.
�What the hell do you know about it anyway,� Danny said, rising from the booth to stand beside the table, irritation clouding his handsome face.
Realizing she had struck a nerve, she said, �I know you well enough and the situation well enough to see that you aren�t true to yourself. You have completely changed from the Danny I met a year ago.�
He silently sat down again in the seat across from her. In his eyes, for the briefest second, she saw all the pain, sadness, and self-doubt that he was harboring deep inside.
The waitress brought their drinks and quickly left, sensing the tension in the air around the two. Drew sipped on her drink as she watched Danny over the rim of her glass.
�I had to Drew,� he said softly, for perhaps the first time being honest with himself. Picking up his drink and staring at the clean, pure ice in the dark, murky liquid, he appeared lost in thought. The mask he always seemed to wear dropped; exhaustion and sorrow finally claimed his features. Almost to himself he said, �If I hadn�t changed I would have destroyed all that I loved and held dear. It�s because of me that Michelle is in that jail cell.�
�How is it your fault? You didn�t put her there. She put herself there,� Drew said stubbornly, hiding her true doubts as to Michelle�s guilt.
Danny glanced up at her as he sat, playing with his wedding ring thoughtfully.
�I don�t think you believe she did it,� he said softly.
Drew felt her old defenses going up, but just before she could condemn Michelle or Danny, he spoke again.
�Oh come on Drew, I know you better than you think. You don�t want to believe Michelle did it any more than the rest of us. That�s why you are in so much pain. It�s not just that your father is dead; it�s the fact that there is the possibility that your best friend, your closest friend, someone you love, may have done it! Don�t you think I understand that?�
Drew sucked in a breath as she realized what he was talking about. He had gone through the same things with Michelle and Mick�s death. Discovering that the woman he was falling in love with had killed his brother� it must have been horrible for him.
He continued, �The fact, in your mind, that Michelle killed your father, isn�t it like someone tore your heart out and crushed it into the ground? It�s the worst feeling in the world, to know, or think, that she killed someone you loved. And despite that you still love her, don�t you?� he whispered softly.
Drew felt the old hate, the old protestations rise up in her throat, but the look in Danny�s eyes forced them back down. Like swallowing a hard lump of bitter fruit, she held her tongue and merely nodded, her eyes large and shining with unshed tears.
She sat, numbly, thinking about what he had said, the feelings and thoughts racing through her mind so fast she could barely keep up. She had been tempted to tell him how she could believe Michelle did it. She had seen Michelle kill before, she had been there, and she had seen Michelle kill Mick. But now, now that she thought about it, she could see how Michelle didn�t do it too. So for her own sake, and unconsciously for Michelle�s, she held her tongue.
�Anyway,� Danny said, rising from his seat, �I just wanted you to know that I understand what you�re going through.� Leaning down close to her, he whispered in her ear, �You have the right to be angry Drew�but you also have the right to forgive.�
With those words he had left her sitting there, tears streaming down her face.
Drew began cleaning out her refrigerator. She glanced over at the clock, realizing that she still had a couple of hours before she had to go get Max from school. Feeling weary from the weight of the emotions on her heart and the work she had been doing packing, she opened a bottle of water and stood in the middle of her cleaned out kitchen. Just then she heard a soft knock on the door.
�It�s open,� she called out, figuring it was Jesse, who had forgotten some things and had mentioned coming over to get them. Turning her back to the door she began clearing out the bottom of the refrigerator.
�You�re stuff is over there,� she said, gesturing towards the bathroom.
�What stuff?� a deep voice asked from behind her.
Standing and turning around, she unconsciously smoothed her hair.
�Danny,� she said softly, surprised to see him there.
�Michelle sent me to give you these things she had borrowed awhile back,� he said, handing her a bag of clothes.
�Thanks,� she said as she tossed the bag over to the bed. She then turned back to the refrigerator, feeling awkward and almost shy around him.
Danny glanced around the room, noting the boxes and the clothes scattered haphazardly around.
�Going somewhere?� he asked softly, bending down to pick up a jar that had just rolled out of the refrigerator.
Drew stood again and turned to face him.
�Yeah, I feel like its time I got out of town you know? It�it feels like there is nothing left for me here�� she said, her voice fading when she saw the look on his face.
�You have Selena,� he said softly, walking over to her bed and sitting down on the one clear spot on the mattress. She walked over and cleared a spot for herself then sat down beside him.
�We�ll keep in touch,� she said, �but I just feel like I need to get out of here. So much as happened�I just want a change of scenery.�
Danny nodded his head in understanding. He took her hand and squeezed it.
�I hate to see you go,� he said softly, looking over at her. �And I�m sure Michelle will too.�
Drew snorted. �She�ll be glad to see me go,� she said, hiding her hurt with her pride.
�No, no she won�t Drew, you know that,� Danny said, calling on her declaration. �Michelle is different from you and I. She knows how to forgive and forget.�
Drew sighed and looked down at their joined hands. �But I don�t know how to forget Danny. I don�t know if I can ever forget�or forgive.�
�You have to at least forgive yourself Drew. That�s one lesson�we�ll both have trouble with.�
They sat there for a few moments in silence, both thinking.
Finally Danny stood and pulled her to her feet.
�Do you need any help?� he asked, looking around the trashed room.
Drew laughed softly as she followed his gaze.
�No, I think I�ll be okay,� she said.
Following him to the door, she opened it for him. He turned and smiled. He kissed her cheek, and then said, �I wish you would change your mind Drew.�
She smiled and shook her head sadly. �I just don�t think I can Danny�maybe I can come back someday�� she said, her voice trailing off.
He nodded and smiled. �I hope you will.�
Then he was gone.
*Sonnet 121, William Shakespeare