�
I pull up to the front of a tiny church, wearing my best suit and tie. I'm very anxious, nervous about this day. I just sit here, staring at those wooden doors, heavily decorated with flowers. I just can't bring myself to go in.
So I sit here alone, in my car across the street. I glance over at the long white limousine waiting outside. The chauffeur sits, nonchalantly smoking a cigarette. I would love to have one of those right now.
I go back to watching those heavy wooden doors. I can picture her so perfectly. I can see her, wearing her white gown, flowers in her beautiful hair. The light through the stained glass windows, reflecting on the happy new couple. Tears shining in her radiant brown eyes as she gazes at her new groom.
A man who is not me.
I slam my hand into the steering wheel, welcoming the exquisite pain that shoots through my arm. Anything is better than this ache I feel inside. Tears sting my eyes, but I refuse to cry here. Not now.
Suddenly the church bells ring out, loud as thunder. People come pouring out of that tiny church, many of whom I recognize. Finally, I see her. Smiling lovingly at her new husband. Crying so happily. Looking so beautiful.
My chest tightens, the ache that has already manifested itself there spreads to take the rest of my body. I bow my head, insuring that no one sees me as they rush past.
She tosses her bouquet. God she looks so happy. How can she be so happy, when I feel like dying? Well, now I don't have to wonder any more.
She kisses her new husband. It's like being hit in the stomach. They get in their limo, heading off on their honeymoon. Everyone laughs and cheers. Some cry.
I pull away, heading in the opposite direction. I almost can't see the road, but I keep going. I keep driving, till I get to the bridge just outside the city.
I park my car there and get out. I breathe deeply, trying to assuage the pain. Of course it doesn't work. Nothing will work now. She's gone and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
I stand there on that bridge, watching the slow movement of the river as it glides past. I think back on my life, of all the mistakes I've made, of how fate has made such a fool of me. My life...what a joke.
I pull out her ring and I hold it one last time. For the last time I read the inscription, "To Michelle, with all my love..." The ring that had held all my hopes...all my dreams. I watch the diamond sparkle in the sun light. I finally draw back and let her fly. I watch it's graceful arc as it spins and turns in the air. I see it's last twinkle, like the last of my desire, as it hits the water and slowly descends into the blackness of the dark water. I definitely don't have to wonder any more.
I stare down at the water, thinking of how good it will feel to finally be numb. To be in complete and utter oblivion. To silence the ache and the sorrow that overpowers my mind, body, and soul.
A serene calm envelopes my body, subduing the feverish emotions of
my soul. I feel myself go under, hear the angels singing like
thunder. I really don't have to wonder any more.