With Arms Wide Open
By Heather
Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes; begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
I'm going to be a father. I, Daniel Santos, am going to be a father. If it sounds like I can't believe it, it sounds right. I truly cannot believe it.
I'm going to be a father. And not just any father…I'm going to be the father to Michelle Bauer's child. The woman whom I love most in the world, the woman whom I would die for, the woman whom I never thought I would be so blessed as to have love me or to have as the mother of my child…
Michelle Bauer Santos is going to have my baby.
You can't imagine the emotions going through me right now. Well…perhaps you can, if you're a parent yourself. So many emotions are swarming through my body, pinning me with this amazing, awe-inspiring joy. There is so much of this paralyzing joy inside of me, that I feel like I could burst into a shower of laughs, smiles, and tears.
I feel like I could do anything: jump buildings, swim oceans, fly so high in the sky that I could touch the stars; I feel like Superman.
I'm shaking. I can't explain it, I don't know
why, but my whole body is just kind of humming. My heart is beating so fast, I
feel like it could erupt in a magnificent torrent of this fiery love swelling
within of me.
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
I keep dreaming of what he'll look like. Or, wait…it could be a she! A tiny, perfect vision-a beautiful, mixed-up portrait of Michelle and me. She could have Michelle's golden curls, my dark brown eyes, her beautiful, perfect white skin and that exquisite, petite, tininess that is so her. Or he could have my dark wavy locks, Michelle's bottomless mahogany eyes, and my tall, slim build.
There will be this child, a perfect, mixed-up
portrait of us. This tiny, new person who is this amazingly beautiful
combination of us. A miniature amalgamation of us, of our love, that perfect,
incredible love that created this new, amazing life.
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, take her by my side
We stand in awe; we've created life
I am going to be a father. A position I have always loved and revered-and feared. A job that holds countless responsibility. Something I never thought of being, until I met Michelle. Only then did I crave that title-Father. When I fell in love with her, I knew then, that the privilege of loving her could only be outdone by the privilege of giving her a child.
The happiness of the moment flits away suddenly, as the bone crushing responsibility of it all descends on my tired shoulders. After all Michelle and I have been through, together and separately, we're about to bring this new, innocent life into our madness.
What if I'm not ready? What if I can't be the perfect father this child deserves?
What if I fail?
I bow my head, feebly searching, praying,
demanding, begging, pleading for an answer. What if I'm not ready? How can I
take care of this child and my wife, when some days I barely feel like I can
take care of myself? How can I protect him? How can I promise him a safe, happy
life, when I don't know if it's humanly possible?
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open
I'm going to be a father. Am I crazy-for wanting to bring a child into the insanity that is my life?
My brain darts away from this perfect vision of this life we have created, and centers on the life that created it.
My life.
My imperfect life.
Everything I have ever done-good and bad-has this crystal clarity to it, everything that I am-I don't want him to be. I want things to be different for him. I don't want him to grow up in the violent ways that I did. I want him to feel loved, totally loved, and not wanted simply as an heir to the family throne. I want him to feel free-to express himself in the ways that he wants…not the ways that his family wants.
I want him to be what he wants to be. I want him to have a happy, safe childhood-free from the worries that I suffered. I want him to have both of his parents-something Michelle and I never fully had. I don't want either one of us to be ripped away from him, leaving him scarred and alone.
I hope to God that he is nothing like me.
I want him to know that the world is his for the taking-but only if he wants it. I don't want to force anything on him.
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
My life will never be the same. This change is a change that I welcome with my arms spread as wide as I can. I know…that no matter what it takes…I will protect this child with everything that I am. If I have to die for his safety, I will do it in a heartbeat.
I will love him unconditionally.
With arms wide open
I will show him everything.
With arms wide open
I will give him love.
Wide open….
I will give him everything.
Everything in me centers on one thought, one mission. I will do everything in my power to be a father worthy of this child. I will do everything in my power to get the things my family deserves. That Michelle deserves. That my child deserves.
And if that is not good enough, I will try harder.
And harder still.
And pray that it is enough.
So quietly I sit here in the darkness, my arms stretched out in my private prayer. They curve down and deepen, cradling close to my heart, for there, the weight of our child already rests in my open arms.