Stuff to know: This fic takes place after the park "break-up". It's from Michelle's POV and, well, you'll see...
Rating: NC-17
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I know that as soon as I'm done writing this diary entry, I'll rip it up into a million pieces. So what's the point? I wish I knew. But all I know is that I have to write this down and get it out before I just explode.
Danny's gone. He made it very clear today in the park that he doesn't want anything to do with me. Talk about irony. Only two months ago I was dying to get out of this marriage. Well, now I'm out and I'm miserable.
We're getting an annulment. On the grounds that our marriage was never consummated.
What I'm about to write down, I've never told a soul. Even Danny and I never spoke of it.
We did consummate our marriage. We made love, we had sex...however you want to say it. I still can't think of a term to describe it. It was the night his grandmother died. We'd only been married about three weeks. Three weeks after the church wedding that is. I actually liked Danny's grandmother. She was kind and wise and I knew Danny adored her. She died in her sleep. No pain, no suffering. Her nurse, Anna, went to check on her early that evening and found that she had passed away.
There was such a flurry of activity that night. The ambulance coming, funeral arrangements being made...I saw Danny for all of about three seconds during all of it.
He was so strong. I knew how much he loved her, but he didn't shed a tear. He comforted Carmen and talked in hushed tones to the funeral director. He was just so in control. He had to have been devastated.
The news wasn't exactly surprising, but it had been a shock. I just tried to keep out of the way. I felt left out that night. As though it wasn't my place to offer comfort to my husband.
After the funeral director left and the house calmed down,Danny disappeared. I went into our bedroom and tried to read. Hours ticked by, still no Danny.
Finally, I went to look for him. It was around one in the morning. The corridors of the Santos mansion were dark and I felt a little chill, expecting to see the ghost of Danny's abuela around every corner.
I'd almost given up the search when I saw a crack of light surrounding a door to my right. It was one of the many guest rooms in the estate, the one I had always liked best. While all the other rooms in the house were lush and opulent, that room...well, it was still lush and opulent, but in a more subtle way. It was done all in ivory and a delicate seafoam green. The bed was tall, but not as large as the bed I shared with Danny. Its four posts rose high around the bed to meet in a rectangle. Drapes of heavy ivory silk, held back with green satin sashes, surrounded the bed. There was a huge picture window on one side of the room and a large mirror on the other. During the day, the room was filled with light. I'd spent many an hour on the chaise lounge in that room, whiling the hours away until Danny got home.
But as I pushed open the door, I felt like I was a stranger stepping into an even stranger land. Only one tiny lamp lit the room and it's soft rosy/golden light barely penetrated the darkness. But I could make out Danny sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
I actually considered turning around and walking away. He hadn't seen me and I felt like I was intruding on something private. I didn't leave. I walked on hesitant feet to stand in front of him.
He was still wearing his shirt and slacks, but his tie and jacket were discarded on the bed behind him.
Something tugged in my heart as I watched him cry. I thought of the man who had been so strong this evening. But that wasn't this person before me. This was a grieving man, weeping for his grandmother.
Without thinking,I moved to stand between his legs and wrapped my arms around him, drawing his head to my stomach.
Danny's hands came around my waist to clutch my back.
I didn't say anything, just murmured consolingly as I stroked his dark hair.
Such beautiful hair, I thought as I threaded it through my fingers.
I could feel the heat of his tears through my nightgown on my skin.
My arms tightened around him. We were still strangers in so many ways. Had you told me only weeks before that I would be holding a sobbing Danny in my arms, I would have laughed. Danny, cry? Didn't you have to have a heart to cry?
I ran my hands up and down his back.
It was one of the many times I would have during the course of our marriage when I would wonder if things had been different, if we had met under different circumstances...
He raised his head and looked at me with ravaged eyes.
I stroked his cheek and tried to smile, but something in his eyes froze me.
The air around us had suddenly become electric and I felt a strange quickening in my body. In Psychology, we had learned that sometimes, a knee jerk reaction to death is sex. Supposedly it's a way to reaffirm life. I don't know about that, but I do know that when Danny looked up at me with his eyes so hot, I felt a pull towards him I'd never known before.
He lowered his head back to my stomach, but this time, instead of crying against it, he pressed a kiss there. Just as I'd felt his tears before, I felt the warmth of his tongue against me and my knees began to go watery. His kisses moved upward, on the shallow groove of my stomach, up between my breasts, to the hollow of my throat and then his lips were on mine.
My mouth parted willingly under his. His lips were soft and warm, but demanding and mine submitted eagerly.
His tongue gently explored my mouth as his hands began pushing up my nightgown, bunching it around my hips. Boldly, he moved his knee between mine and pressed up until I was straddling his thigh.
The pressure of his leg between mine sent little firecrackers down my spine and I moaned. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew I should pull away. I didn't love him. I loved Jesse.
His tongue teased that sensitive area behind my ear and I started to rationalize. It would only be this once after all. And he was legally my husband.
But legality had nothing to do with the liquid heat that was swirling throughout my body and centering where my legs met. My fingers found the buttons of his shirt. Despite the need raging through me, I took my time unbuttoning them, kissing each tiny glimpse of flesh as it was revealed.
Danny made a low growl deep in his throat as my lips trailed across his stomach.
But when my fingers reached for the buckle of his belt, he stopped me.
"Michelle-" he began, his breathing labored.
"Shhh..." was all I said. He had awakened something in me and I wasn't ready for it to fall back into blissful slumber yet.
He studied me for a long while, then in one fluid motion, swept me up into his arms and deposited me on the bed.
I reached out and tugged on the sash holding back the drapes on the right side of the bed. Danny did the same on the left. With a muffled "woosh" the drapes enveloped the bed, and I truly felt like I had entered another world.
The lamplight was able to seep into our cocoon, casting a very faint glow.
I sat up and inched towards Danny on my knees until we met in the middle of the bed.
Danny's arms wrapped around me tightly and our mouths met in a slow kiss. There was no hurry, no frenzy. I knew this would be the only time we'd ever do this and I was determined to take my time.
I tugged on his bottom lip with my teeth, teasing it with my tongue. He reciprocated by running his tongue along my teeth, his hands reaching up to cup my breasts.
I felt my nipples harden under his skillful fingers and was suddenly impatient to be out of my nightgown.
Danny seemed to sense that and began tugging at the hem.
Instead, I pushed him away gently. He looked at me with confused eyes until I whispered, "Let me," and pulled the nightgown over my head to kneel naked before him.
Danny sucked in his breath and I could see the lamplight coupled with an inner fire burning in his eyes.
This time, when I reached for his belt, he didn't stop me.
My fingers weren't even trembling as I unfastened the button and pulled down the zipper. He sat down to tug the slacks off and they disappeared somewhere in the darkness beyond the bed.
The fire inside of me was turning me into someone else when I reached inside his boxers and closed my fingers around him.
"Jesus, Michelle." he muttered and the boxers went the way of the pants.
Naked, we laid down against the satin coverlet, I on my back, he on his side.
We studied each other for a moment before he lowered his head to take the hardened peak of my breast in his mouth. Arrows of pleasure ricocheted through me and I arched against him. As his mouth lovingly caressed my nipple, his hand made it's way down my body until it found that place that was crying for his touch.
I shuddered as he slipped a finger inside of me. My hips began undulating against his hand in a age old rhythm. Danny pressed kisses against my collarbone as grasped his shoulders.
"Danny,please..." I heard myself gasp.
"Not yet." he murmured. "Not yet."
He removed his hand and I gave a sharp cry of frustration that dissolved into a moan as his tongue resumed the work his fingers had started.
His hair was silky underneath my fingers as I bucked my hips.
I was past shame. I could have spent hours counting all the reasons this was wrong. But when he finally raised his head and in one deep thrust joined our bodies, I knew I had never felt anything so right.
He was still at first, giving me time to adjust to the glorious pressure of having him inside me.
And when he began to move...if I had thought I was shameless before, it was nothing compared to how I reacted to those slow, confident strokes.
My fingers gouged into the muscles of his back, silently begging him to give me release.
But he kept up those excruciatingly slow movements until I thought I was losing my mind.
His strokes began to quicken and I met him thrust for thrust. I wanted him to finish what he'd started tonight. Hell, what he'd started the day he kissed me outside the diner.
The few orgasms I'd had in my life had all been the same. A slow, sort of rolling release that started between my legs and slowly made its way through the rest of my body, like waves on a beach.
But this climax slammed into me like a train. It stole my breath and I felt like I was suspended in midair, all the blood in my body draining away to collect in that one spot at the apex of my thighs.
I actually screamed. And I have never screamed during sex in my life.
Danny just moaned my name, but I know it affected him the same way it did me.
We laid like survivors of a battle, clinging together, sweat covering us, our breathing harsh and ragged.
We fell asleep, him still inside me, almost immediately.
When I woke up the next morning, he was gone.
And when I finally found him in his office, he just smiled at me and said, "Good morning".
I got the message. We weren't going to talk about what happened.
I was actually glad about that. It had been such a strange night that it was almost easy to believe the whole thing had been a dream. Our lives went on as before. We slept in the same bed, but we never touched. We kissed a few times, but it never went further than that. And I went ahead with my plan to turn him into the FBI.
And now it's over.
So now it's out. Now it's written and now I'm going to rip up this entry, just like I planned.
I just had to get it out. Maybe then, I can stop thinking about it.
I doubt it.
THE END