My baby,
I can't help but wonder what you will be doing doing as you read this letter. will you you cry? Will you smile? Will you miss me? As I write this, you are sleeping in the bedroom of your childhood, only a few feet away. But I miss you already. I know I'll be gone soon and I think heaven will be lonely without your laugh. So I am writing this just for you.
Something only for your eyes after I have gone.
You asked me once, when you were very young, about my eyes. You said sometimes they didn't smile like my mouth and you wondered why. Well, my angel, it's time that you knew. I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you about this when I was here with you. I just thought it would be easier this way.
I was married before your father, when I was only twenty. Of course, you know this. I never kept that from you. And you know that I was forced into marriage to save myself. But that's all I ever told you and I didn't even get around to telling you that until you were twenty-five. It was your wedding day, remember? Seeing you,looking more beautiful than any woman since the beginning of time, glowing in your lace. I began to cry. You asked why and I said I was remembering my own wedding day. I can still hear your gentle laugh as you said, "But, Mama, you and Daddy eloped. Your wedding day was nothing like this!"
And you were right.
My second wedding day was so unlike yours.
But my first...
To tell you this story, Bella, I have to be completely honest. I killed a man. Of all the moments in my life, that is one that has never ceased to haunt me. His name was Mick Santos. He was a thug, a scumbag, and a drug dealer. He was also the eldest son of a very prominent, very criminal, family. I killed him in self-defense. He tried to rape me and I picked up a rock and hit him with it. You probably would have been proud of me. I stood up for myself just like I always told you to.
I never meant to kill him. But I did and there's nothing I can say or do to change that. Fate is a strange thing, baby. I thought my life had ended when I took Mick's life. I wanted to be a doctor even then and I thought that taking a life had forever destroyed my chances of saving one. But my life didn't end. Instead, it's most glorious,happiest, and most painful chapter opened.
Mick's brother, Danny, came looking for his brother's killer.
Me.
I won't try to protect whatever "delicate sensibilities" you might have retained even after having me as a mother. Danny was going to kill whoever the murderer was. Luckily, he didn't think it was me. Not at first. No, initially, he thought it was my boyfriend at the time, Jesse Blue.
But he found out.
It doesn't matter how.
He took me down to the docks to kill me. Again, you would have been proud of me, Bella. I didn't beg. I didn't cower. And Danny didn't kill me.
Instead, he married me, saying that his family couldn't kill another family member. And the only way for me to become a family member was...well, you understand. I know you're thinking this is all too bizarre to be true and how on earth could this have happened to your nice, boring Ol' Mom? But it did happen.
I was so unhappy at first,baby. I hated Danny, hated his family, hated his home. It was like a beautifully decorated, gilded Hell.
My first few weeks there, I wanted to die. Danny's mother wasn't convinced by our little show and demanded a full throttle Catholic wedding. So there I was, bound to a man I despised and caught up in planning a wedding that would have made any royal family uncomfortable with its extravagances.
But I went through with it. I marched down the aisle on your Uncle Rick's arm and pledged myself for an eternity to a man I barely knew.
That wedding took place nearly fifty years ago,Bella, but I can still smell the roses, still remember the feeling of Danny's hand in mine. Sometimes, at night, right before I drift off to sleep, I can still hear the violins.
Something changed that day. When Danny kissed me, I felt something inevitable begin to shift into motion. I don't know how to describe Danny to you. In the envelope with this letter is a picture of that day, so you know what he looks like. But there was so much more to him then what was in that picture. He was such a dichotomy. Strong, but tender. Fierce, but kind. Hard, but loving. His loyalty, his love,was unswerving. And he loved me.
When it started, I don't know. Maybe he loved me that night on the docks when he couldn't kill me. I don't know. It doesn't matter now.
I was so naive then. I honestly didn't recognize the feeling that I felt every time Danny looked at me as love. I had on blinders then. I was possessed by the idea of getting away from the Santos house. I never thought what of would be like to get away from Danny. I couldn't even imagine the hurt that would spring in his eyes when he found out I betrayed him.
I did betray him. I tried to turn his family into the FBI.
Bold, wasn't I? A one woman police force.
So Danny decided we should get an annulment.
And, fate being on hell of a bitch, I realized I loved him the day he tried to get me to sign.
I honestly don't know when I fell in love with him, Bella. I only know that that day when he handed me those papers, a life without him seemed unimaginable. Somehow, this proud, complicated, passionate man had become a part of me. Actually, I think he was always a part of me. That hidden other half I had looked for for so long.
He took me to a park and told me all the reason we couldn't be together.
Different worlds, different ideals. Everything you hear in bad movies full of swooning women and heaving bosoms.
So I walked out of that park determined to give him what he wanted.
Freedom.
Maybe I should have kept my back turned to him.
But of course I didn't.
Instead, I sought him out.
I called him, telling him to come over to Rick's house, that I had questions about the annulment. He came and I will never forget the way he looked standing in the doorway: His black hair was disheveled, his tie loosened, his eyes miserable. I knew then that my plan hadn't been a mistake. I didn't say anything. I just took his hand and led him to my room.
So long ago, yet I can still hear the words I said.
"You want to run away from this, fine. I can't stop you. But I want one thing from you, Danny."
"What?" he asked, his voice strained.
I stepped closer to him, shy and bold all at once.
"One night." I said."One night to look back on when I'm lying in someone else's bed, knowing you're with another too. One night to remember. We deserve that."
Bella, for a moment, I thought he was going to bolt from the room, which would have been mortifying to say the least. But he didn't. He took me in his arms and kissed me. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life, second only to when you were born. It was a kiss of love and desperation.
I won't go into the details of that night. I know you're a grown woman now, but I'm still your mom and I figure there are just some things you don't want to know.
I will say that I always prayed you, and every woman, for that matter, could have a night like that. It shook everything in me down to my core. It still does.
He left the next morning.
Off to work for an uncle in California.
I tried to tell myself that it was for the best.
But after a month of turning corners in Springfield and looking for his face, I decided that a change of scenery would do me good.
So I headed off to Boston University, hoping to finally buckle down and become a doctor. I was don't mind saying I was a fabulous student. But then, I was doing anything to keep my mind off the fact that the love of my life was on the other side of the country.
I'd been there for three months before I realized I was pregnant.
With you, my beloved Isabella.
I still remember the day I found out. Such unimaginable joy coupled with unimaginable sorrow. A baby. Living proof of the greatest love I've ever known. Yet no one to share it with. I was crying about it under a tree on campus one day when I met Alex Hall.
The only man you would ever call "Daddy".
Alex was kind to me, so safe and so gentle.
He looked so much like Danny.
We got married, as you know, only three months after we met. You knew I was pregnant when I married your Daddy. We never kept that a secret. We just lied about exactly how long we'd been acquainted. A whirlwind romance, everyone said. I told Alex I wanted an elopement because I didn't want to walk down the aisle six months pregnant.
The truth is,baby, I just couldn't go through another wedding. It would have been like ripping out my heart to stand before another priest and see another man through my veil.
Bella, one thing I do want you to know is that I loved Alex Hall very much. Not the way I loved Danny, but love nonetheless. He was one of the best men I've ever known and I will always love him with every bit of my heart. Danny saved my life physically, but Alex saved my life too, just in another way. And I've never loved your brothers any less because they were his.
But you were always special to me. My beautiful little girl. So stubborn, so brave, so strong. So like your father.
You met your father once.
You were seven. We had come home to see Uncle Rick. Alex stayed in Boston with Jonathan. Chris wasn't even born yet.
We were at the park, the same one Danny had taken me to that horrible day when he gave me the annulment papers. You were on the swings and you looked so beautiful, Bella. You were wearing a little green and white dress and you had a green ribbon in all that long black hair. You were laughing and I was sitting on the grass, watching you thinking that laugh was the most wonderful sound on God's earth.
I happened to turn my head a little and there he was.
Danny.
A little older, he would have been about thirty at the time, but virtually unchanged.
My heart races even as I write this remembering how I felt when he finally looked over and saw me. He walked over to me, that sure, deliberate walk that you have too.
We were face to face, me in my red sundress, he in a dark slacks and a deep blue shirt.
"Michelle."
"Danny."
That was all we could say. I wanted to hug him, but I was so scared that if I put my arms around him, I would never let go.
But he reached out for me and I fell into him naturally. It was where I was meant to be. He held me so tightly and I remember burying my face in his collar, wanting to soak him in.
But I pulled away.
"How are you?" I stammered.
"Good, good. Are you still in Boston?"
I don't know why I was surprised he had known where I lived, but I was. A part of me was angry that he'd known where I was this whole time and never come for me.
"Yes. I'm a doctor in Boston. Are you still out west?"
He shook his head and the sunlight glinted off his hair."No, I'm back here."
Working for the family, I thought. But I didn't say it.
He glanced at my hand."You got married?"
I knew I wasn't imagining the pain in his eyes."Yes, I am." I replied. "His name is Alex, he's a writer."
Danny nodded, but didn't say anything.
"I was just taking my daughter for a day at the park." I finally said.
His voice was sharp when he said, "You have a daughter?"
WE have a daughter! I wanted to scream. She's OURS Danny, and she's beautiful and special and everything you could ever want in a child. You would be so proud of her. I know I am. She's so incredibly smart. She reads everything she can get her hands on. And she looks at me with your eyes Danny, and her smile is your smile.
I didn't say any of that though. All I said was "Yes, I have a daughter."
That's when you came running up. You weren't shy like most little girls. You looked straight up at Danny, stuck your tiny hand out and said, "I'm Isabella Hall. Who are you?"
Danny took your hand and smiled. Do you remember that, Bella? "I'm Danny Santos, an old friend of your Mommy's. Pleased to meet you, Isa-"
And then he looked at me.
And he knew.
Isabella was your great-grandmother's name, sweetie. Danny's grandmother, a kind and sweet old lady who would have adored you.
I'll never forget the look on Danny's face when my subtle nod confirmed what he already knew. That you were his. He looked at you, seeing what I always saw : a replica of himself.
He kneeled down to be at eye level with you.
"You're a very pretty girl, Isabella."
You giggled, already woman enough to love a compliment.
"My Mama calls me Bella. You can too."
Danny looked like someone had just handed him the world when you said that. I felt such guilt, Bella. Such guilt that I had kept you from this man who loved you so much that just being allowed to call you by a nickname lit up his face.
You scampered off then, calling at us to watch as you performed some monumental trick on the jungle gym.
While you were gone, Danny asked me thousands of questions about you. How much did you weigh when you were born, what was your favorite color, what did you love, what did you hate.
I answered his questions as quickly as he could throw them at me.
Then you ran back, and instead of running into my arms, you ran into Danny's. I thought my heart would break from being so full.
We spent that whole day together, just the three of us. It was like some sort of parallel universe of the way things should have been.
You fell asleep in your father's arms as he carried you to our car. After you were safely buckled in, he turned to me and said simply, "We have one hell of a daughter."
I laughed."Yes, we do."
Danny had hesitated, then finally asked,"Do you have a picture of her that I can have?"
My throat constricted, but I nodded and pulled one out of my purse. Danny held it and studied it for a long while.
"Does anyone know..."
"No," I said. "No one except my husband. He...he looks like you, so no one questions-"
I broke off then, crying.
Danny held me again and I let him, despite my better judgment.
"I won't try to see her again, Michelle." Danny said at last."Her life is like yours: better if I'm not in it."
"It's so unfair!" I sobbed, knowing he was right.
He kissed me then and I welcomed it.
When he pulled away, we were both crying.
"I love her, Michelle. Even if she can't know it, I want you to know that."
My tears flowed and flowed.
He kissed me once more, stroked your hair, and then turned away.
You only remembered him as "That nice man with pretty hair."
Well, Bella, that nice man was your father and he loved you.
I saw him only once more after that, at your wedding.
As we filed out of the church, I saw him standing in the very back. I can't begin to imagine how much that must have hurt him, watching you walk down the aisle on another man's arm.
I never got the chance to ask though.
He smiled at me and then ducked out.
Your father died last year. A heart attack, peaceful, in his sleep. I couldn't go to his funeral. I couldn't reconcile my memories of him with the body they would lower into the ground. But I called his sister, your aunt, Pilar, to give my condolences.
She told me he had never married, but he'd been like a second father to her children. He'd had pictures of them all over his house.
But only one picture resided in the place of honor on his mantle.
Yours, Bella.
I hope this hasn't hurt you. I hope you can understand.
But you had to know the truth. You had to know that you are the child borne of a love that truly changed my life. I don't regret the way things turned out. I look at you and know that Danny was right. We have one hell of a daughter.
You can share this letter with Alex if you want. It contains nothing he doesn't know.
Oh, and another thing. Danny did go back to work for his family, but he finally got to do it his way. Legally. So you can hold your head high when you remember that Daniel Santos is your father. He was something to be proud of.
I love you, Isabella. And I will miss you so much. But don't mourn for me when I'm gone. Right beyond the pearly gates, a flashing-eyed groom waits for me. I can smell the roses.
I can hear the violins now.
All my love,
Mama