Ok, after a brief review of my favorite fairy tales, I've picked "The Frog Prince", simply because I was in the mood for something kinda funny and after I started thinking about it, there are a few Manny parallels in that story anyway! In case you're unfamiliar with the story, which I doubt, I'll give you a brief rundown: A queen conceives a child through magic and when she forgets to invite the helpful witch to the child's christening, he's turned into a frog. Many years later, a spoiled princess in a neighboring kingdom is given a golden ball as an engagement present. She takes it to the garden and accidently drops it into the well. The Frog Prince offers to help her get it if she'll agree to let him eat at her table and sleep on her pillow. She agrees, but then runs off as soon as the ball is retrieved. However, the frog makes his way to the palace, is admitted, and has dinner with the royal family. he sleeps on the princess's pillow and, that night, awakens to find a scorpion on the princess's bed, poised to attack . He kills said scorpion and the grateful princess kisses him, turning him back into a prince. Happily Ever After ensues. That's the version I'm working from. I'm sure there are others. So here it goes, my version of "The Frog Prince", titled oh-so-originally- "The Mob Prince".
Once upon a time, in a kingdom relatively far away, but not quite so far as you'd think, provided of course that you took the interstate, there lived a beautiful and pistol-packin' queen by the name of Carmen.
Queen Carmen wanted nothing so much in the world as a son. Actually, she already had a son, but if you'd seen Prince Mick... well, let's just say you'd want a back-up son, too.
However, Carmen's beloved husband had departed several years ago for the far off island of San Cristobel where he had tried to help rescue a woman by the name of Reva. After nearly six years, he was still unsuccessful in his plan and Carmen despaired of ever seeing her husband again.
Actually, she didn't despair TOO much, seeing as how she kept the court judge, Sir Ben the Slimy, around for kicks. But the last thing Carmen wanted was a son with Sir Ben. Mick was enough of a mutant as it was. So Carmen traveled over the river and through the woods, seeking out the wise old witch named Abuela.
"Oh wise Abuela," Carmen pleaded. "I want nothing so much in the world as a son and you are my only hope!"
Abuela gave the queen a funny look. "Um, look, your highness, you're a very attractive older woman and all, but I don't swing that way. Besides that's not even scientifically possible. I'm a witch, not a freakin' miracle worker!"
"No, no, no!" Carmen insisted. "I want you to cast a spell that will make me with child."
"Ohhhhhhh...ok, I get it. A spell. Right. That I can do."
So Abuela gave Carmen a magical bottle of Tequila. "Trust me, honey, this'll do the trick," she promised.
Sure enough, by the next full moon, Carmen was pregnant.
When the child was born, he was everything Carmen hoped he would be : handsome, smart, a snappy dresser...he was christened Prince Daniel. However, Carmen made a horrible mistake.
In her excitement ( which, noted some of the townfolk, seemed a little excessive for a mother towards her son) she had completely forgotten about Abuela. In fact, Carmen and everyone around her seemed as though they were pretending Abuela didn't even exist.
Big mistake.
Carmen was busy preparing Daniel's first birthday party when Abuela motored right into the palace in her magical chair of wheels.
"Why, Abuela!" Carmen stuttered. "What on earth are you doing here?"
"What do you think I'm doing?" Abuela cried. "I give you a baby, not just any baby, but a baby that will grow up to be one seriously hot tamale, and you forget all about me!"
"No, Abuela, I didn't! Didn't you get my fruit basket?"
"Silence! A fruit basket can not right this wrong!"
"But I'll send my nephew Father Ray to deliver it," Carmen promised.
Abuela paused.
But she stiffened her resolve even as she planned to go to mass at least eight times a week.
"No, Carmen, there's is only one thing I can do and that is to turn your beloved Daniel into...a mafioso!"
"No!" Carmen shrieked. "Anything but that!"
But it was too late. In a puff a blue smoke, baby Daniel suddenly appeared, still in his basinet, but wearing an exquisitely cut suit and packing a 9 mm.
Carmen looked into her baby's bed in horror as he looked up at her and said, "You talkin' to me?"
The queen fainted.
PART 2, TWENTY-FIVE YEARS LATER
All was not well in the Kingdom of Bauer. It's ruler, King Edward the Absent, had been, well, absent, for nearly twenty years. The fair Queen Maureen had been killed in an unfortunate carriage accident some years before and the entire kingdom was in the hands of King Frederick the Bumbling.
In the middle of all this chaos, the wedding of the beautiful Princess Michelle to Count Jesse of Vegtopia was being planned.
Princess Michelle sighed as she brushed out her long hair. She would have given anything to be able to free herself from this arranged marriage, but her brother, Frederick, had forced her to choose between the Count and William Lewis II, Earl of Dull.
Michelle had simply chosen Count Jesse because her brother seemed to dislike him so much.
The princess smiled a little smile to herself.
Yes, perhaps that would make this marriage worthwhile.
She sighed again as a knock sounded at her door. She had sent Count Jesse to the great hall to count all the bricks over six hours ago, knowing that, as there were no bricks in the great hall, he would be gone awhile.
Sure enough, the Count stood in her doorway, holding a large box and smiling.
"Back so soon?" The Princess inquired.
The Count nodded happily. "Yes, and your highness will be pleased to learn that there are 542 bricks in the great hall."
Michelle rolled her eyes. "The great hall is made of marble, you idiot. There are no bricks!"
Jesse looked confused. "Then what did I count?"
"I have no idea. Certainly not your brain cells.Now what's in the box?"
Bricks, or lack thereof, forgotten, Jesse handed the box to Michelle, who immediately dropped it.
"Good Lord, that thing weighs a ton!"
Jesse nodded again. "It's a present from you to me. Wait...that's not right..."
Michelle sighed as she began untying the bow around the box. "You got me a present."
Jesse nodded again. "Yeah, that's it. You got me a present. No...wait..."
Michelle ignored him as she lifted the lid off the box and peered at what was inside.
"It's...it's a giant golden ball," she said at last.
"Yep!" Jesse said. "Isn't it pretty?"
Michelle raised stunned eyes to her fiance. "What am I supposed to do with this?"
Jesse shrugged. "It's a ball. Bounce it."
Michelle closed her eyes and counted to ten before replying,"It's made of solid gold. It won't 'bounce'."
Jesse looked confused again. "Oh. But it's shiny! I like things that are shiny."
"Big surprise," Michelle muttered. "Well...um...thank you, I guess."
"You're welcome. Is there anything else you'd like me to do for you, Your Highness?"
"Why, yes," Princess Michelle replied as she hefted the golden ball into her arms. "You may count all the zippers on all my dresses."
Count Jesse ran off to the storage room where all 3,973 of the princess's dresses were kept. Michelle smiled as she struggled with her golden ball. Seeing as how zippers had yet to be invented, she figured she wouldn't have to deal with the Count again until the wedding. Maybe even later than that.
Princess Michelle half carried/half rolled her new present to the cliffs just beyond the castle, overlooking the beach.
Once she was at the very edge of the cliff, Michelle dropped to ball to her feet, muttered, "So long, stupid present", and kicked the ball over the cliff and into the ocean.
Or, rather,it was SUPPOSED to go into the ocean. Instead, Michelle heard a terrible "THUNK!" and a pained gasp.
The Princess rushed down the side of the cliff to the beach below.
There, lying on the sand, was the body of a man, royalty by the look of his outfit.
And right by his head lay the Princess's ball.
"Oh, no!" she cried as she fell to her knees to inspect the still man. To her horror, he didn't appear to be breathing.
Just then, Michelle heard a deep and decidedly masculine voice shout, "What in the name of God was that?"
The Princess looked up to see an extremely handsome man running down the beach towards her. She awkwardly rose to her feet, stammering, "Uh...I just dropped my ball and I...well, I seemed to have clonked this gentleman right in the head. Um...my bad."
The handsome man looked down, his dark eyes going wide. "Good job, princess! That's my brother, Mick!"
Michelle sighed. Of all the rotten luck...
"It was an accident," she feebly explained. "But I can understand how you'd be mad. Really, this was, like, at least 60% my fault."
"Who are you?" the man suddenly demanded.
For a brief moment, the Princess considered giving her name as Lady Drewina Jacobs, one of her ladies-in-waiting.
But she looked into those deep, black eyes, and knew she could not lie.
"I am Princess Michelle of Bauer. And you are?"
"Name's Danny. Formerly, Prince Daniel of Santos."
Princess Michelle gasped. "You? You are the long lost son of Queen Carmen?"
Danny shrugged. "I haven't been lost, sweetheart. Unfortunately, my mother ticked off the wrong broad and I was transformed into a mafioso."
"Oh, how awful!" Michelle cried.
"Yeah, well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, I guess."
"Isn't there anything anyone can do?" Michelle queried.
The mafioso looked at her and Michelle suddenly felt very warm. Had the Count ever made her feel this way?
"Supposedly," he answered, "I can be transformed back into a prince by true love's kiss, capiche?"
"Um...I think so."
The mafioso turned his eyes back to Mick. "It's a shame you had to go and kill my brother. I mean, he was a scumbag and all, but he's still my family."
"So what are you going to do now?" Michelle asked, still a little weak in the knees.
"Well, I guess I'll have to kill you. Really hate to do it, though."
Michelle began to weep as she pleaded, "Oh, please, don't kill me! I'll do anything you want! As long as it doesn't compromise my virtue, naturally."
"Naturally," he conceded. He looked over his shoulder, then back at his brother, then at Michelle again. "OK, here's the deal. I'll let you off the hook. Hell, I'll even bury the body for you. All you have to do in return is let me come to dinner with your family-"
"Deal!" Princess Michelle hastily interjected.
"I'm not finished yet, Princess," the mafioso said darkly. "After dinner, you have to agree to let me sleep in your bed."
"Absolutely not!" Michelle cried, horrified, but admittedly, a bit intrigued.This man would never give so pointless a present as a fourteen karat gold ball.
Danny shrugged, his broad shoulders rolling beneath that exquisite suit. "OK, fine by me. Guess you'll have to pay the piper."
With that, he removed his gun from the waistband of his pants. While Princess Michelle had never seen a gun before, she had a pretty good feeling what it was used for and fell to her knees, weeping, even as a plan formed in her head.
"Oh, please, kind sir," she said in her best "damsel in distress" voice, "Do not end my life. I will do as you asked. You may come to the palace with me and eat dinner at my table and...and sleep in my bed."
His dark eyes flashed. "Really?"
"Yes, but no fooling around. That's not part of the bargain."
The mafioso sighed. "But you have to kiss me to break the spell."
"Look, buddy,Michelle said angrily, "I'm not your true love. I am engaged to marry Count Jesse of Vegtopia in less than a fortnight."
He gave her a slow perusal."How do you know I'm not your true love if you don't kiss me?"
That tingling sensation returned to flood Michelle's body, but she kept her expression stern as she insisted. "No kissing."
The mafioso took his eyes from her and back to the body of his brother. "OK, OK, we've got a deal."
Then, he hoisted Mick's body over his shoulder and proceeded to carry him further down the beach.
Michelle stood and watched as he began to dig and when he was totally absorbed in the task, she ran.
"Ha!" she thought as she hurried back to the palace. "When he show up for his dinner and (gulp!) bed, I'll simply tell Frederick that I've never seen him before in my life! He'll never get into the palace!"
*****
Dinner was in full swing at The Palace of Bauer when a loud knocking rose above the din and caught the attention of King Frederick. The King held up his hand to silence his dinner guests and the minstrel. "Who could that be at the door at this time of night?" he wondered aloud. he looked down the table at his sister, the Princess, who had suddenly gone terribly white. "Michelle, do you know anything about this?"
Michelle shook her head frantically. "Nope. It's probably Ye Olde Girls Scouts. Yeah, Girl Scouts, that's it."
The King frowned. "Lady Meta," he commanded his great aunt, who was currently watching over all the children in the kingdom, "Go and see who is at the door!"
Lady Meta gave a long suffering sigh and went to the palace door, accompanied by two burly guards. The whole dining hall was silent as a scuffle was heard outside. "Look, I'm invited and- hey! watch the suit, buddy!"
Princess Michelle groaned, causing the King to look sharply at her. "Michelle-" he began.
Just then, the guards appeared, each clutching the arm of Danny Santos.
The King gasped. "What are you doing here?"
The mafioso looked at Michelle, who was trying desperately to avoid his gaze and smirked. "The Princess invited me."
A horrified gasp went up from the crowd and the Princess buried her face in her hands.
"A MAFIOSO!" the King thundered. "In OUR home? Is this true, Michelle?"
Michelle sighed. "Yes, but-"
"Ya see, your Highness," the mafioso interrupted. "I helped the princess here out of a... let's say, sticky situation and we made a little deal."
"What kind of deal?" the King asked suspiciously.
"Well," the mafioso drawled, clearly enjoying Michelle's discomfort, "in return for helping her out, The Princess said that I could have dinner in your home."
A sigh of relief seeped through the dining hall.
"And sleep in her bed tonight."
The horrified, collective gasp again.
Michelle's face turned bright pink as she turned to her brother and pleaded, "Please, Frederick, I honestly didn't think he'd show up or I never would have made the deal in the first place!"
The King glanced between Michelle and Danny and finally said, "No, you have made a bargain, sister, and a Bauer NEVER reneges on a deal. The mafioso shall remain with us for dinner and-' he paused and briefly shut his eyes. "And sleep in thy royal bed, so long as he understands that thy royal bod is meant for another."
"No problem, your highness!" the mafioso called. "That's been made loud and clear!"
And So, the guards released Danny and he took his place next to Michelle at the table.
To Michelle's total chagrin, the mafioso was the hit of the evening. He told jokes with her brother, who eventually lightened up, he flattered the beautiful and kind Queen Abby and even Meta seemed to like him.
Michelle spent the whole dinner staring morosely into her plate, thinking about how much she despised Danny Santos and that, perhaps, she could sneak a dinner knife into her gown and kill him in his sleep.
Dinner ended much to quickly.
Before Michelle even had time to fully comprehend what was about to happen, she and the mafioso were being escorted to her chambers.
As they passed the Wardrobe Room, Michelle could hear a muffled voice saying, "Um...5....6...9...no, that's not right...4...darnit! 1..."
She smiled to herself. At least The Count was out of the way.
The mafioso caught her smile and smiled himself. "Looking forward to tonight, princess?"
Michelle fixed him with a glare as he shut her bedroom door behind them. "No. And just so you know, I think you should be a gentleman and sleep on the floor."
He shrugged as he pulled off his beautiful coat."I suppose I could, but the deal was to sleep in the royal bed...with the royal goods."
Michelle rolled her eyes, even as her cheeks flamed and something within her trembled in anticipation.
She quickly shed her clothes behind a changing screen and donned her most prim and proper nightgown.
The mafioso was already in bed when she emerged, watching her with those wonderful, but unreadable eyes.
"What?" she asked beligerantly.
He simply raised his hands in a gesture of surrender, smirked and said, "Nothing."
Michele flounced to the bed, anger etched in all her movements.
She blew out the candles and got rigidly into bed next to him.
"I can't believe I agreed to this," she said out of the darkness.
He laughed. "Yeah I can't believe you did either."
"You should have just been a gentleman and not killed me without asking for anything in return."
"I never said I was a gentleman,princess," he reminded her.
"Of course you aren't. You're a horrible, wicked, mafioso."
"Through no fault of my own. If you just lay one on me, I guarantee you'd transform me back into a prince."
"Dammit," Michelle said through clenched teeth. "I told you, I am NOT your true love!"
"I dunno about that," he said slowly. "I think there's a connection between us Princess, and I think you're the one."
"I think you're insane," Michelle retorted, even as she became uncomfortably aware of his nearness. "No go to sleep."
So they did.
*****
Michelle awoke with a start.
She could have sworn she heard a noise!
She lay very still and listened.
There it was again!
Panicked, Michelle turned to awake the mafioso, only to find he wasn't there.
Then, she saw a movement out of the corner of her eyes. The mafioso was standing in the corner, his eyes focused on the large wardrobe that held the best of the Princess's clothes.
The sound was coming from inside the wardrobe!
She then saw the gun in the mafioso's hand and shrank back against her bed.
Just then, the wardrobe door flew open and, carrying several of Michelle's dresses in her arms, was a beautiful young woman.
"Pilar!" the mafioso gasped.
The young woman took one look at the mafioso and ran for the window, still clutching Michelle's favorite clothes.
"I don't think so," the mafioso snarled and in a lightening quick motion, he grabbed Pilar around the waist, forcing her to drop the dresses.
Before Michelle could so much as blink, the mafioso had wrapped a drapery cord around Pilar's struggling body and dropped her from the window where she landed with a resounding splash in the fountain below.
"Oh, Mafioso!" Michelle cried. "You saved my best outfits! Those are Neiman Marcus Princess Dresses, you know!"
The mafioso sighed as he say back down on the bed.
"Yes, I know. That woman was my sister, Pilar."
"Your sister?" the Princess gasped.
"Well, in a manner of speaking. She was also part of my mother's punishment for ignoring Abuela."
"Oh, Mafioso," Michelle sighed again as she scooted closer. "You have not only spared my life, you made sure I'd always be well-dressed as well. Those are the only dresses I own that aren't pink! How can I ever repay you?" Her cheeks took on a becoming blush and she lowered her lashes demurely.
"A cashier's check would be good," the mafioso replied.
Michelle's eyes flew open. "Excuse me?"
"Cash is just too messy these days and I do owe Vinnie the Thumb quite a lot of dough, so if you'll just whip out the royal checkbook-"
"Isn't there anything else?" Michelle asked bluntly.
"I mean, I'm sure with me being as grateful as I am right now, you could just take my virtue."
"Nah," the mafioso said. "A check will be just as good."
"But I wouldn't put up a fight!" the Princess insisted as she clutched his arm. "Unless, of course, you want me to."
"That's OK, really."
"Come on," Michelle purred. "What's a little virtue to a mafioso like you? Just take it. I won't tell!"
"Look, lady-"
But Michelle cut him off my pressing her lips to his.
The kiss seemed to send sparklers racing down from her lips to her toes and she sighed happily as he pressed her back onto the bed.
When he at last raised his head, his eyes were shining. "You did it. You broke the spell!"
Princess Michelle looked at him and saw he was still in his Versace suit and the shiny 9mm.was still secured in his waistband. "Um...I don't think you're any different."
The mafioso looked down at himself. "Hmm. But I feel different. I don't feel this urge to say 'capiche' anymore. That's got to be worth something."
Suddenly, realization lit up his face. "You know what? Maybe this was how I was supposed to be all along."
"A mafioso?"
"No, he said, eyes shining. "A Mob Prince."
Princess Michelle smiled. "Yes, perhaps you're right. But then again" she said in a low voice, her eyes darkening, "maybe it's not just the kiss of true love...maybe it has to go a little...farther..."
And so Princess Michelle and her Mob Prince celebrated their wedding night a few moths before their actual wedding.
And so, they came to jointly rule the Kingdoms of Bauer and Santos and lived Happily Ever After.
Capiche?
THE END!!