Resist

Part 27

By Erin

A part of me had been dreading going back to Chicago, but the moment I unlocked my front door and breathed in the familiar scent of my house, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

I settled back into my routine and Andrew, after a few days of pouting, seemed to adapt to Chicago again as well.

He still cried for Danny every night though until I finally broke down and called my "husband".

I could almost see his smug smile as I said through clenched teeth, "Andrew won't go to sleep until he talks to you."

"Is that a fact?"

I took a deep breath and counted to ten. "Yes, so if you don't mind, I'd like you to call here every night around seven or so. For Andrew."

"Sure."

So, every night, like clockwork, he called Andrew and told him a bedtime story over the phone.

Usually, I don't have to speak with Danny at all. Andrew dashes to the phone when it rings at seven and hangs it up when they're done talking. But last night, Andrew came out of his room and sleepily handed the phone to me.

"Daddy wanna talk to you."

I had sighed and closed the text book I'd been studying. There are times when I honestly wonder if I'm cut out to be a doctor. Maybe my life is too hectic.

I had waited until Andrew disappeared back into his room to bring the phone to my ear and snap, "What?"

There was laughter in Danny's voice as he said in a silky voice, "Well, I just finished reading Andrew a bedtime story and it occurred to me that you might like one too."

"Danny-"

"I think I've got the perfect one for you, Mrs. Santos."

I hung up on him, desperately wishing the phone wasn't cordless so I'd have the satisfaction of slamming it down.

And I told myself I was shaking from anger.

I barely shut my eyes last night, so I'm cranky this morning. I snap at Andrew over breakfast.

His big brown eyes fill with big tears and I immediately feel like the shittiest mother in the world.

"I'm sorry, buddy," I tell him contritely. "Mama's just having a rough day today."

"When do we go home?"

I sigh. "In three days."

"Fwee," Andrew says contemplatively and holds up three fingers.

I manage a shaky smile. "Right."

He beams and all is forgiven.

Three more days, I think, as Andrew rushes off to his room to play, leaving me in edgy silence. I sip my coffee, but it's cold and bitter, so I toss it into the sink.

I wish I could say, "I love Chicago. I don't want to go back, not to Springfield, not to him."

But that's not true.

And I can't say, "I hate Chicago, I miss Danny, and I want to go home."

That's not true either. The truth is a strange mix of both those things, too difficult to sort out.

Besides, it doesn't matter.

I'm going back.

We're going back.

End of story.

I haven't cried the entire time I've been in Chicago, but as I walked through the bare, sterile halls that were once so familiar to me, tears stung my eyes. Only four months ago, I had been on of the frenzied students running down those halls on too little food and too little sleep. At the time, I would have given anything for a break.

Now, I would gladly sell my soul to return to this frantic bustle.

Just before nostalgia overwhelmed me, I ran into an old professor of mine, Dr. Cedric.

I'd never liked the man; he was arrogant, conceited, the kind of doctor that gives the medical profession a bad name.

"Well, well. Ms. Bauer. I was wondering if you'd deserted us."

I felt like a scolded preschooler. "No, I-"

He held up and hand, his blue eyes mocking. "I know, you got married. I heard. So I guess it isn't Ms. Bauer at all, is it Mrs...."

"Santos."

The name rang a bell. His eyebrows shot up, but he didn't comment.

"Ah, I see. And this is your second marriage, correct?"

I wondered that the old bastard didn't have anything else to do other that grill me in the hallway.

"Yes," I said tightly, still maintaining a serene smile.

"What brings you back to Chicago, Mrs. Santos?"

"Tying up some loose ends."

He smirked. "Abandoning the medical field for life as a housewife, eh?"

God, how I'd wanted to snatch that clipboard out of his hands and snack him with it.

But I kept myself very still as I said, "No, actually, I'm divorcing and transferring to a med school in Springfield. I still plan on becoming a doctor."

His eyebrows had shot up again. "A divorce. Goodness, you're only..."

I always hated the way he trailed off like that.

"25."

"Hmmph. 25 and two marriages to your credit. Let us hope that you are not so capricious a doctor as you were a wife. Or do you plan on waltzing out of surgery every time a marital urge strikes you?"

I hadn't replied. I had simply walked away, as he called after me, "Being a doctor requires discipline. Mrs. Santos. You can't just give up when it gets hard. Didn't either of your husbands tell you that?"

Over a week later, those words still bother me.

Did I leave Danny because it was right or because it was easier that trying to force us to be family?

The ringing of the telephone jolts me out of those disturbing thoughts.

Hoping it's Kathleen, I answer on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Michelle?"

The melodic and definitely masculine voice on the other end of the phone nearly shocks me right back into my chair.

"Um, yes?"

"Hi, you probably don't remember me, but my name is Colin Beckett."

My mind whirs, trying to fit the name and the voice to a face. And suddenly, one appears. Perfectly shaped, almost delicate features, a face saved from prettiness by a tiny bump in the bridge of his nose and slightly crooked bottom teeth. His hair was straight, reddish brown and perpetually falling over his forehead. I can't remember his eyes.

"Colin...from Dr. Johnstone's class, right? You weren't a student, you were just sitting in as a refresher course."

"So you do remember."

There's a hint of laughter in his voice and I remember that Colin was always smiling. I bet he's never brooded in his life.

"Of course I do. But you were a good way ahead of me. Are you Dr. Beckett now?"

He laughs outright then. "Yeah, I made it, believe it or not. I just finished up my residency and now, I have my own practice. Ear, nose and throat."

"Wow, that's great." I sit back down at the table, feeling a little envious.

It seems at time that I'll never be a doctor.

"So is the end anywhere in sight for you?"

I sigh and chuckle ruefully. "Nowhere close. I've been...busy lately."

"So I heard. You got married, right?"

"Uh-huh."

He must be able to tell that I don't want to talk about that, so he changes the subject.

"How's Andrew?"

I had forgotten that Colin knew about Andrew. I'd even shown him a picture in class one, back when Andrew was only about six months old. A good fifteen minutes go by as we talk about my son. Finally, Colin says softly, "Look, I know you don't feel like talking about it, but I'm sure splitting up with Andrew's dad was tough."

"You know about that?" I ask incredulously.

"Yeah," he replies sheepishly.  "I guess...I guess I made it my business to know everything about you."

"Why?"

All that time spent questioning Nino's motives, then Danny's, has made me suspicious.

"Because you have the prettiest brown eyes I've ever seen."

The compliment was so unexpected, I'm rendered speechless.

"Did I go to far?" he asks wryly.

"N-no, it's just...I guess I haven't been complimented in a long time."

Unless, of course, you count that night last month when Danny breathed in my ear, "Damn, but you can fuck."

"Well, you should be complimented. And often. Speaking of which, how much longer will you be in Chicago?"

"Three-" the word comes out a squeak. "Ahem. Three days."

"Great. I was wondering-"

Just then, there's a beep signaling another call. I should ignore it, but I'm waiting for Kathleen's call.

"Colin, could you...um...hold that thought. I've got a beep."

He chuckles. "Sure."

"Great. Just a sec."

I click over. "Hello?"

"Michelle."

Two major shocks in one day. Fabulous.

"Danny."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine. Look, I'm on the other line, so let's make this quick, OK?"

"Who is it?"

I rest my forehead on my free hand. "No one. What do you want, Danny?"

"Just to remind you that I expect you home on Saturday."

My hands tremble with anger, but I keep my voice calm as I say, "I'm aware of that, Danny and I don't appreciate you calling to remind me. I don't renege on things."

"Right. Must've been somebody else who hid my son from me for four years.

Who's on the other line?"

There's no other way to react to Danny when he's like this. You just ignore his snide, sardonic comments.

"I'll see you Saturday. I know Andrew's looking forward to it. Good-bye,

Danny."

Click.

"Colin?"

"I'm still here."

"Sorry," I say breathlessly. "Someome trying to sell me something. So...what, um, what was it you were wondering?" I haven't flirted in eons and I'm surprised how good it feels.

"What? I wasn't wondering anything. Are you wondering something?" he teases.

God, this is so silly and juvenile and it's putting a huge, goofy grin on my face.

"Well," I drawl. "I might be wondering what I'm doing tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow? I could have sworn you were wondering what you were doing tonight.

I laugh and just then, the other line beeps again.

"Damn."

"Other line?"

"Yes. I'd ignore it, but I'm expecting a call from Andrew's sitter."

"No problem."

"Be right back."

Click.

"Hello?"

"Who's on the other line, Michelle?"

I sigh and my giddy mood evaporates.  "None of your damn business, Danny."

"If it's just Kathleen or your brother or any of your other friends, you'd say so. What are you hiding?"

I roll my eyes. "Oh, for God's sake, Danny, I'm not hiding anything. Or anyone. Good-bye."

Click.

"Colin?"

"At your beck and call."

I laugh again. This is how it should be, I tell myself. This is how normal people get to know each other.

"So..."

"So...would tonight be OK?"

I know tonight is awfully soon, but I remember Colin's easy smile and handsome face more clearly. I'd always thought he was cute, but at the time, I'd been a new mother as well as a new med student. Too busy and too haunted to even think about dating.

But now...

Now, this is what I need. A chance to purge Danny from my system once and for all and start my life over again.

"Tonight would be great," I say resolutely. "I just need to make sure my sitter can come."

Another beep.

I sigh, knowing full well it's not Kathleen. "Maybe that's her," I say brightly.

"Maybe you're just popular today."

"Yeah, maybe," I say dryly.

Click.

"Hello?"

"So who is he?"

"Danny-"

"Were you seeing him before you left Chicago?"

"I'm not going to discuss this with you."

His voice sounds different, like he's on the edge of something. There's an audible tightness there, a fragile dam and I wonder what it's holding back.

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"Go to hell?"

"Are you?" he persists.

'Why do you care?" I fire back.

There's a brief pause. "I don't want my son around that kind of behavior," he says at last.

I snort in disbelief. "Sure, organized crime is a fine thing for Andrew to be around, but God forbid his mother date a perfectly respectable doctor who-"

"He's a doctor?"

Shit.

"Yes, so?"

He laughs, cold, sarcastic sound. But there's something else in that laugh. A strange edge of despair I tell myself I'm imagining.

"Good for you, Michelle. You finally landed yourself an upstanding guy. I guess after Nino and me, your itch for bad boys has been scratched."

Click.

"Sorry."

"Was that her?"

"No, an...an old friend."

"Are you OK?" Colin asks with concern. "You sound a little shaken."

"Oh, I', fine," I say with forced cheerfulness. "I stay in a perpetual state of frazzled, I guess and since I haven't been asked out in awhile-"

"I kicked you into hyper frazzle."

I laugh. "Something like that."

"Will you be sufficiently unfrazzled by 8?"

"I can try."

"Great, then I'll pick you up then."

"Alright. I'll see you then."

A pleasant little flurry goes through me as I hang up the phone. When was the last time I had a normal date? A safe, normal little date? Not since before Nino, maybe even before Jesse.

The phone rings again.

"Hello?"

"You're coming home in three days, Michelle. You and my son. I don't care what Dr. Do-Right has to say about it."

My anger finally explodes, "Goddammit, Danny, I said we'd be there and we will. But if you call this house one more time and threaten-"

"Remind."

"Whatever. Don't call me again. In told you we're doing this my way."

There's a simmering silence, then a terse, "Be here."

"I will."

I hang up the phone with tears of fury in my eyes, but after a few deep breaths, the tears dissolve.

I'm going to be happy now, I tell myself. If not with Colin, then with someone like him.

A nice, stable man, preferrably a doctor. Then we can talk about work and maybe even open up neighboring practices.  A man whose eyes won't fill with boredom when I talk about medecine. A man who won't suggest that there are so many better uses for my pretty little mouth than talking about school.

And when Kathleen finally calls, I'm smiling.

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