I wasn't raised Catholic, so it surprises me that I find so much comfort lighting a candle at St. Michael's. My parents were never big on church. We tried to go every other Sunday to the First United Methodist Church of Springfield. After Mom died, we stopped going altogether.
It strikes me as rather odd that Danny's family is so religious and still do what they do. Not long after we got married, Danny asked if I had a problem with him taking Andrew to mass. I told him it was fine. I don't have a church, so why shouldn't Andrew go to his father's?
St. Michael's is empty as I light my candle and pray to a God that I used to think abandoned me.
But I need all the help I can get now.
"Michelle."
I turn and my lips part slightly in shock.
"Ray! What are you doing here?"
Stupid question. He's completely decked out in his "pwiest suit", as Andrew says, and clutching a Bible. He looks as miserable as I feel.
He smiles ruefully and spreads his arms wide. "This is my parish, Michelle. Where else should I be?"
I turn away from the bank of votive candles, rising to my feet. "But what about Kathleen?"
His whole body seems to shudder. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Well, I do," I say, glad to have someone to be angry with. "Ray, it was my understanding that you were going to leave the priesthood for her."
He doesn't look at me. "It's not that easy," he mumbles.
"Do you love her?"
"Keep your voice down."
"Do you?" I press.
He whirls on me, his eyes almost feral with pain. "You know I do. And the last thing I need is love advice from someone who doesn't even know her own husband!"
That stings and I suck in a quick breath, as if he struck me.
Ray is instantly contrite. He simply doesn't have it in him to be cruel.
"God, Michelle, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
Staring blankly at the altar, I sink into the first pew. "Yes, you did." I say softly. "And you're right."
Ray swears softly and I'm glad we're alone in the church. I'm pretty sure using that word in the house of God is grounds for excommunication.
He sits down next to me and takes one of my hands in his own. "Michelle, I know what you're going through is difficult."
"You have no idea."
He sighs and squeezes my hand. "Danny can be a hard person to be with. Even when we were kids, there were times when he just...he just shut down, you know?"
I close my eyes, trying to block the trickle of tears that prick my eyes, but they seep through my closed lids anyway.
"But Danny loves Andrew," Ray continues. "I know he does."
"Yes," I say and my voice is little more than a cracked whisper. "He loves our son."
I turn and look Ray in the eyes and keep my chin high as I say, "But how does he feel about me?"
The look of pity in Ray's eyes is enough to make me tear my gaze from him so that he can't see the fresh flow of tears that spring up.
Ray cups a hand around the back of my head and pulls me towards him, kissing my temple. "Ah, Michelle...I don't know how to tell you this."
"Tell me what?"
"I was with Danny the morning after he killed Nino."
I sit up and look at him and my face, reflected in his eyes, is white with shock.
"You know?"
He nods. "I had an early mass that morning, so I was up and in the kitchen around five when Danny came in. i already knew about Nino."
I shake my head. "You couldn't have. The police didn't find his body until seven that morning."
He gives a bitter, crooked smile. "Exactly. The police didn't find him until seven, but...
"But your people knew-"
"About an hour after it happened. Dietz found out and told Carmen."
"Oh." What else can I say?
"Anyway, I was in the kitchen having a cup of coffee when Danny came in. There was this really weird kind of energy around him. I've never seen him that...kinetic I guess. Danny's the type that never speaks without thinking, never moves without purpose, you know?"
I nod.
"But that morning he was almost hyper. Weirdest damn thing I've ever seen. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and made a sandwich in about thirty seconds. he didn't even acknowledge my presence until he sat down at the table. He was smiling, this really strange little smile, like he knew a secret, and he ate that sandwich like he hadn't eaten in years."
Of course, I think wryly. He'd worked up quite an appetite that night. Killing his nemesis, impregnating me...
Ray is oblivious to all my thoughts as he continues, saying, "I took one loo at him and I knew. So I sat down across the table from him and said, 'It was you, wasn't it? You killed Nino.' And then he said..."
Ray turns his eyes from me and down at his shoes. "God, this is hard."
I take his hand and give him a watery smile. "It's OK, Ray. Whatever you have to say, I want to hear it."
Ray doesn't look convinced and he still doesn't look at me as he says, "Then, Danny said, 'Not only that, Ray my boy, but I'-" Ray breaks off and gives me a sideways glance- "'I...um, made love to his wife.'"
That actually forces a harsh laugh that sounds too much like a sob out of my throat. "He didn't say 'made love', did he, Ray?" I ask with a tight smile.
Ray looks like he's in actual pain as he shakes his head. "No, he used a term that was much more...Danny."
I should be prepared for this. Ray isn't telling me anything I didn't already know. That Danny never cared about me, that that night, the night that made our son, was nothing more than part of his revenge and a knee-jerk reaction to what had happened to us that night.
But it still hurts. God, it hurts.
Ray gives another sigh and runs a hand over his hair. "That was the only time I ever hit my cousin."
I look at him in surprise. "You hit him?"
Ray smiles a little. "Punched him right in the jaw and called him an asshole."
My laugh is genuine. "I guess I should thank you."
He shrugs. "He needed it. I told you, he was on this manic high and that seemed to snap him out of it."
Ray's eyes are kind and more than a little sad as he looks at me again. "I asked him about you.I knew he'd been 'pursuing' you to piss Nino off, but those last few weeks,Danny had gotten really edgy and tense whenever your name or Nino's was brought up and I started to wonder what was really going on between you two. So I asked him what you felt about the whole situation. He shrugged and said that you hated Nino and were probably glad he was gone."
I nod and wipe the remaining tears from my eyes. "He was right."
"So Danny put some ice in a towel and held it on his jaw and told me, ' This has been brewing between me and Michelle for a long time.I didn't use her, Ray. We used each other.' Then he looked at me, but it was like he wasn't really seeing me and muttered, 'But she said she loved me. She said she loved me.'"
I blink at him, too stunned to cry.
He had heard. All these years later and he had heard me say I loved him.
"What-what happened then?" I murmur.
Ray stands up, putting his hands in his pockets. "He flung the towel in the sink and took off upstairs. An hour later, he was on the family plane, heading down to San Cristobal to support his alibi. He knew you wouldn't say what really happened that night."
My head is reeling from the amount of information I've just received. I can barely hear myself as I say good-bye to Ray, who gives me a quick hug and tells me "Be strong, Michelle."
I don't remember a single second of the drive home. My mind is lost in the past.
And when I get home, I head straight for Danny's office.