I am so tired.
It's that kind of tired that seeps into the very marrow of your bones, the kind of tired that actually keeps you awake at night.
It takes all my strength not to stagger from the car as I make my way up my driveway.
Still, the sight of my house, totally and completely mine, makes me smile.
It's small, tiny even. A little den off to the side of an even smaller kitchen. The real estate agent said it had two bedrooms, but I like to say it has one bedroom and a glorified closet.
But it's mine.
I picked out the hunter green of the shutters and I planted the posies that line the front walk.
When I unlock the front door, I'll see my things.
I can't express how wonderful that feels.
I open the door and throw my satchel onto the nearest counter. The smell of Lysol wafts over to me and I smile. Kathleen, my part time housekeeper and full time savior, keeps the place spotless for me.
Moving to Chicago was the best thing I ever could have done.
Nino's family let me go.
Only after I played the part of the grieving widow to perfection, of course.
They have no idea that I was in any way involved in his death. As far as they know, I was home studying that horrible night. Why should they suspect I was elsewhere?
After all, Nino's body wasn't found, believe it or not, until around seven-thirty the next morning.
I had snuck back home by six.
The shock on my face when Bernard told me what happened was pretty much genuine.
I still hadn't recovered from waking up to find Danny gone.
He didn't come to Nino's funeral. His mother told Bernard that he'd been suddenly called away the night before to attend to some business in San Cristobal.
She glanced at me when she said that and I wondered if she knew, if she suspected where her son had actually spent the night. I wondered if she knew the real reason tears were coursing down my face. She had to have known he was somehow involved or else she wouldn't have lied.
She came over to me, regal in her black suit, and kissed my cheek. "Daniel told me to tell you he was sorry he couldn't attend. He said you would understand."
I had nodded numbly.
I understood.
Pilar came.
She glared at me with poorly concealed hatred and I wondered why she hadn't run to the police and told them that Danny and I had been with Nino that night.
Then I remembered.
Danny had "talked" with her.
I moved to Chicago to finish up school and move on with my life a month to the day after Nino's funeral. I didn't hear from Danny and didn't expect to.
He had made how he felt about me pretty clear.
God, what a revenge he had gotten!
He had killed Nino and fucked his wife all in the same night. How proud he must have been.
A small voice in my head insisted that it had been more than that.
After a few months, the voice faded.
After nearly a year, the nightmares stopped.
I had other things to deal with by then.
Medical school drains nearly all I have out of me. I'm glad for it though.
Memories have trouble reaching you when you keep yourself busy.
That's why I left Springfield. I was afraid of all the reminders.
Not of Nino.
Never of Nino.
Of Danny.
As it turned out, I brought a reminder to Chicago anyway.
Kathleen comes out of the den as I grab a bottle of water from the fridge. I smile at her, thinking how much I've come to rely on her company these past three years.
"So how was today, Kathleen?" I ask with more cheer than I feel.
"It was...it was good, Ms. Bauer..." she says distractedly, looking over her shoulder.
"But..." I lead.
She gives me a quick, nervous smile. "But, well, Ms. B.-" it always makes me smile when she calls me that - "there's a man here to see you and I don't think-"
"A man?" I stand up out of my chair, heart pounding. No, please, God, not now...
"He's in the den. Says he won't leave until he talks to you."
My knees are knocking as I slide past Kathleen and into the den.
I'm not even aware that I'm holding my breath until I let it out in a "whoosh" as I see the man sitting on my green brocade sofa is not Danny Santos.
He doesn't know, I tell myself. He can't know.
"Mrs. Rivera?" the man asks, standing.
"No, er, yes, but I...I don't go by that name anymore," I stutter, holding out my hand for him to shake. "Michelle Bauer."
"Sam Dietz."
I know that name. Oh, God, where did I hear it? Is he one of Bernard's guys?
No, that can't be it...
"I work for Daniel Santos."
I am glad that I'm standing in front of the couch because my legs literally fold under me.
So much for appearing unaffected, I think, as I sit down heavily on the couch.
"What do you want, Mr. Dietz?" I ask, praying the answer isn't what I think it is.
" It's more what Mr. Santos wants and I think you know what that is, Ms.Bauer," he says with a slight smirk.
No, no, please...
Mr. Dietz rises moves from beside the couch to pick up something lying by the end table. Something even Kathlleen, with her meticulous cleaning, never puts away.
A small teddy bear with an absurd smile and an even more absurd bow tie.
Dietz hold up the bear and tears fill my eyes.
"Mr. Santos wants his son."