I know there are at least a thousand reasons why the things Michelle and I have been doing are wrong.
I know that and I don't care.
She's my indiscretion, my hidden sin. Everyone should have one, right? Even a priest.
And let's face it, I'll never be much of a priest anyway.
Every time, I tell myself, "That was it. Never again."
But then she calls me and says in that breathy, slightly wavering voice, "I need you, Ray. Please."
And I go.
Goddamn her, I go.
I tell myself if that insane day in my office over four years ago had never happened, I wouldn't be risking everything for a few hours between the sheets with Danny's wife.
But I wonder now.
Even if she wasn't my "Miranda", would she have found solace in my arms eventually anyway?
That's what she told me our time together was.
Solace.
She told me that the first time we were together after her wedding.
It was in March and I was heading back to the church after dinner with Danny and Carmen.
My cousin looked unhappy, miserable even, and I knew then that his marriage to Miranda...Michelle...wasn't all it should be. I knew that no man could look that desolate if he had spent nearly the past month doing all the things to Michelle that I had been dreaming about since her wedding.
Hell, since my office.
I had had to get out of Towers. I hated sitting there, smiling and teasing Danny about his newlywed status.
And I hated that bitter feeling that rose up in me and said that if I were the man I once was...
It made me sick to think what I was capable of doing to Danny if it meant Michelle would be mine.
So I headed back to the church, back to a place that actually was becoming my sanctuary.
There, I could sit at my desk and imagine I could still smell her perfume.
But she was there. Right there in my fucking church, talking to one of my parishioners, who was thanking Michelle for giving her some money.
I greeted the woman, Mrs. Silva I think her name is, and then she left Michelle and I alone.
Michelle looked nervous, jumpy, and would hardly meet my eyes.
And I kept playing the part of the concerned priest, asking her why she was there and hoping against hope she would say it was to see me.
Instead, she fed me some bullshit story about stopping in to "meditate".
So I told her I'd heard Mrs. Silva thank her for the money.
Again, more lines and a complete refusal to meet my eyes.
Bitch.
"Well�I met her at the house, you know�She was in a bind, so I decided to help out. It's what we're supposed to do for people right?"
There was a direct challenge in her eyes. Like you were supposed to help me, those eyes seemed to say.
I agreed and asked, "Why do you feel so guilty about it?"
Michelle's eyes flashed again and I realized she didn't think I was talking about Mrs. Silva anymore.
Maybe I wasn't.
"I don't feel guilty about it, dammit," she snapped.
God, how I wanted to touch her then. I wanted to pick her up and carry her back to my office and let her prove she didn't regret what had happened.
But then she just sighed and looked down again, murmuring,"I'm sorry, I don't mean to curse in church. Um� honestly, I'm a little worried that ah�if Danny finds out about this he's going to get really upset."
Bullshit again.
But I sat down with her.
I counsled her like I should have four years ago, telling her not to worry about Danny.
I didn't even want her to think about Danny.
But just then, he came in.
Michelle jumped up and I saw the fear on her face.
I saw and I wondered.
And then I decided to use that fear to my advantage.
I put on that big smile and began to congratulate Danny on the great girl he'd married and told him all about the money Michelle had given to Mrs. Silva. Michelle looked briefly paniicked and kept softly entreating me to stop.
"Ray, please stop. You're embarrassing me."
"Ray� I'm really, really begging here."
But I just kept smiling like a fucking idiot, acting like I had no idea how pissed off Danny was going to be.
I wanted him to be pissed off. I wanted him to hate her.
I wanted him to throw her away.
And then I wanted to be the one to gather her up.
It almost worked.
He was furious.
Danny gets angry just like his dad. It a slow sort of burn that finally just explodes. Mick was always like Carmen, hotheaded and easily, foolishly, brought to anger.
Danny ordered me out of my own damn church and I went, shaking my head sympathetically, while a smile lurked around my mouth.
He'll get rid of her, I told myself.I'd seen to that.
So I waited in the back of the church and I listened.
I watched Michelle use my cousin's obviously unsatisfied lust to worm her way out of it.
And then I watched them get in their car and head home to do God knows what.
I wanted to kill both of them then. I wanted to lash out and to hurt and know that satisfaction of holding someone's life in your hands
I went back to my office for the rest of the afternoon and just let myself brew in my hatred and, goddammit, desire, for that blond haired little bitch.
I tried to read my Bible, preparing Mass, but the only book I could read was The Song of Solomon. I read those lines, so full of wanting, and wanted Michelle.
And damn if I didn't hate her for that.
At around eight that night, she called.
"Get over here," she said tersely. "We have to talk."
I snuck in the back way, not wanting to have to explain my presence to anyone, and made my way to Danny and Michelle's bedroom.
She was there, still wearing the clothes she'd had on at the church.
The bed was slightly rumpled, but from the look of Michelle and the almost palpable unfufilled sexual energy in the air, I knew they hadn't slept together.
"You bastard," she hissed at me the moment she saw me. "You knew! You knew Danny would be angry and you told him anyway!"
Enraged, she slammed the glass of water that had been beside her hand on the bedside table.
"Yes," was all I said.
Anger shimmering off her in waves, Michelle approached me, eyes blazing. "You fucking idiot! You almost ruined everything!"
I grabbed her wrist and pulled her up short. Some of her fury disapeared to be replaced by apprehension. "What do you mean? What did I ruin?"
Her gaze faltered.
My grip tightened and she whimpered slightly. "Tell me," I said again.
She jerked her arm from me. "My marriage," she spit out.
I laughed at that. "Oh, come on. You and I both know just how real this marriage is, don't we, baby?"
"Don't call me that."
There was real fear in her eyes, but whether it was of me or herself, I don't know.
"Have you been Danny's wife in every sense of the word, Michelle?" I taunted. I wanted to see her break. I wanted her to feel some of the agony I was going through. "Have you taught Danny any of the little tricks I taught you?"
That did it.
She whirled around and slapped me so hard, tears actually sprung to my eyes.
Furious, I grabbed her by her biceps and glared down into her face. "You little-"
And then, more surprising than the slap, she kissed me.
It wasn't hesitant or gentle, but a firm and sure pressing of her lips to mine and when her tongue slippped inside my mouth, I groaned like I was dying.
There was no time for foreplay.
Either the kiss itself had turnde her on or Danny had warmed her up for me. I suspect it was a combination of the two.
We fell, grasping and clawing, onto the bed, buttons flying, cloth ripping.
I paused briefly in the act of taking off her bra to scrape her nipple with my teeth and chuckled when she writhed against me. Her bra and panties quickly disappeared over the side of the bed. I didn't bother to take off most of my clothes. She didn't seem to mind and somehow, I knew we'd do this again. There would be time to explore one another fully later.
I tongued her breast again and then trailed kisses over her stomach. But when I went to take her in my mouth, as I had before, she gripped my shoulders and moaned, "Later, I need you-inside me- now..."
So I complied.
We came together in a fiery tangle of limbs, angry and shaking with need.
I thrust into her, again and again, thinking that she'd never let Danny do this in this huge bed. She'd never dragged her nails down Danny's back and pleaded for release.
And, if I had my way, she never would.
When our climaxes came, they were similtaneous and blinding.
Our breath was sawing out of our lungs and our skin was sticking together.
I was careful to keep from collapsing on her, but she seemed to want me to.
"I forgot," she breathed at last. "You made me forget."
"Forget what?" I asked as I raised my head and laid a surprisingly gentle kiss on her lips.
Michelle closed her eyes briefly and tears seeped through her lashes. "All of it. Jesse, Danny, the danger...I forgot to be afraid with you."
That struck me as extremely ironic, given that Jesse and Danny are fucking teddy bears compared to the man I used to be.
But I'm the one who makes her feel safe.
"It's like I find...I don't know...solace or something with you," Michelle sighed as I rolled off of her.
I straightened my clothes in silence.
When I turned back around, Michelle was curled in a little ball, weeping softly.
"I need this," she said through her tears. "I need to forget."
She turned to me and I was reminded of the angry, lost little girl who came into my office four years ago.
"Will you be that for me, Ray?" she asked quietly.
It wasn't enough.
Not that I knew what else I could give her.
But I said yes.
I'd be her solace.