I know what I'm doing.
I'm just making the best of a bad situation.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Is there?
It's only because I'm so unhappy.
I would never do this if I was home.
If I was safe.
I love Jesse.
I love Jesse.
I love Jesse.
But I'm lonely.
And I'm scared.
God, I'm so scared.
If I wasn't, I wouldn't be letting Ray Santos into my bed.
Being with Ray is the only thing keeping me sane.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm making the best of a bad situation.
Every night, I sit at that goddamn table and let Carmen glare at me.
I feel hatred coming off her in waves.
And Danny...God, Danny.
He only adds to my confusion.
There's times when I see him looking at me, see the raw desire in his eyes and wish he'd just do something about it.
Wish he'd just take me and be done with it.
He almost has.
Twice.
Each time, begging for reassurance.
"Are you sure?"
"You okay?"
I don't want him to ask me.
I don't want to be given a choice.
It's easier when I can say it was beyond my control.
Like Ray.
On my wedding day, I had too much whirling through my head to really deal with the fact that the man to whom I'd given my virginity was Danny's cousin. To tell the truth, I felt so out of it that day, so totally confused, that pink elephants could have escorted me down the aisle, and I would have accepted that as completely normal.
All I really thought when I saw Ray was, "Of course."
Of course, all the horrible moments of my life would converge on the same day.
What happened on that day four years ago was a mistake. I can still write that little interlude off as a youthful indiscretion.
But it's getting harder to rationalize spending nearly every afternoon, and some nights, fucking the man who's not only my "husband's" cousin, but a priest.
But it's okay.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm making the best of a bad situation.
I hear my bedroom door open, but I don't turn around. I just keep staring in the mirror, brushing out my hair.
Jesse always loved my hair like this. And Jesse always loved me in pink. And when I'm with Jesse again, he'll understand. He'll understand.
I see Ray behind me in the mirror and still I don't turn around.
I just watch him in the mirror.
Watch him watch me.
Slowly, I set the hairbrush back on the vanity, watching my wedding ring glint.
I remember Danny's eyes as he gave me that ring.
He wants me. I know he does.
"It's turning me into something that I swore...I swore that I'd never become."
How I wish he'd become that something.
But he can't. He won't.
And Ray will.
Tired of waiting, he grabs my shoulders and turns me roughly to kiss me. My fingers dig into the black material of his shirt as he forces my mouth open with his tongue, sucking so hard on my upper lip that I whimper.
His eyes, when he ends the kiss, are blazing.
His eyes, so much like Danny's.
But Danny never looks at me like this.
Neither does Jesse.
Cowards, both of them.
Ray pushes me back against the bed, then falls hungrily to me. I hear cloth rip as we tear at each other's clothes. My whole body starts humming a beautiful symphony of pure, uncomplicated lust.
Impatient, Ray's lips close around my nipple through the material of my bra and my hips shoot up off the bed, grinding against his.
While one of his hands reaches behind my back to unfasten my bra, the other one roughly jerks up my skirt.
I hear myself moan as if from a distance and his fingers take possession of me, knowing just where to stroke.
My head rolls back and forth on the pillow as Ray at last manages to rid me of the rest of my clothes.
Naked, I push his shoulders so that he rolls over on his back.
My fingers are trembling as I unfasten his belt.
For all the time we've done this, for all the places we've done this, he never fails to excite me like this. I work his slacks and boxer shorts over his hips as he gazes down at me, breathing hard.
When he's as naked as I am, I lean down and take him in my mouth.
I feel vindicated when I hear his harsh near sob of pleasure.
Jesse never wanted me to do this.
"Michelle, you don't have to," he'd say, gently pulling up my head.
I know I don't have to, I always wanted to scream, I want to!
But Ray never tries to stop me.
Ray never asks me to be anything that I'm not.
Finally, Ray fists his hands in my hair and jerks me up, rolling me onto my back and thrusting into me in one lightening fast move.
I clutch at his back, wrapping my legs tight around his waist.
I let myself go blank, thinking about nothing except what he's doing to me.
I meet him thrust for thrust, wondering why it never felt this way when Jesse was inside of me.
Wondering if it could feel this way if Danny was inside of me.
My first climax comes quickly, but he makes me beg for the second until we're both drenched in sweat and my legs ache.
Ray clamps a hand down over my mouth to keep me from crying out as I come.
I taste sweat and my own essence on his palm and sink my teeth, not very gently, into his flesh.
He grimaces slightly, but he's too caught up in his own release to truly feel any pain.
We lay still wrapped together for only a brief moment, then he's rolling off of me and finding his hopelessly wrinkled clothes.
I watch him get dresses and notice the red, slightly bloody streaks down his back.
I did that, I think, feeling nauseated and aroused all at once.
I left my mark on him.
I tell him that as I trace those stripes and he turns to me with an odd expression.
"You left your mark on me before you ever made those scratches," he says in a way that makes me slightly uneasy.
Then he turns away again, slipping his shirt over his head.
"Tomorrow, my office, " he says tersely.
I nod and watch him leave.
Then I sag back against the bed that I sleep in every night with a man who's supposed to be my husband.
A bed I dream about Jesse in.
The bed I fuck Ray in.
But it's okay.
It is.
I'm not a bad person.
I just need someone to turn to.
I'd turn to Danny if he offered me something less complicated.
I'm sure I would.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm making the best out of a bad situation.