The TV Show Challenge

The Guiding Light Island-A Spoof of Gilligan's Island

Parts 1 & 2

By Carla and SJ

We join our beloved young couple as they sail a yacht around the island of San Cristobel. They are enjoying the freedom of their honeymoon and all of the glorious sun, pink sandy beaches and azure waters. As you may remember, they've determined that the only way to finally enjoy one another was to escape from civilization all together. Danny is an excellent sailor (yachting was a prerequisite at Princeton) and he quickly teaches Michelle the duties of first mate. It is during this instruction period, when Michelle playfully takes off her top and raises it as a flag on the ship, that our young couple lose their focus on sailing and instead decide to go below deck to check out the galley so to speak since Michelle’s top wasn't the only thing that was raised on the upper deck.

The couple wake up several hours later and immediately start snuggling, again. Then Michelle says she is cold and Danny, ever the brave Captain, climbs up the rope to retrieve her top which is still whipping about in the breeze. Michelle observes to Danny that it appears the boat is no longer on course, she doesn't recognize any of the coconut trees. Danny climbs down from the sailing rigs and hands Michelle her top. She says to Danny, I don't think we are in San Cristobel waters anymore! Danny ever the observant sailor, helps Michelle put her top back on, then decides it looks better off and the couple retire to the deck below again. Michelle finally realizes why they call this deck the poop deck, every time they come down here, they both end up pooped. Awakening at nightfall, Michelle says to Danny, I think we are lost, I don't see any landmarks similar to those we saw earlier in the day. I just know that those aren't the same coconut trees I saw earlier.

Danny listens to what Michelle is saying but knows that there are only 3 other islands nearby and all are within 10 miles of San Cristobel and they all have coconut trees. He finally realizes that the coconut tree is not going to help them in this situation. He relaxes a bit more when he sees and recognizes Santos Island up ahead. It is a small island that his father Michael bought for his mother when they were first married. He had promised to give her the moon but she had said a small country would suit her just fine. The island is wildly exotic and uninhabited unless you count the abundant animal life which should pose no problem to Captain Danny. It should be safe for a night's stay and a romantic night at that. Seriously, what could possibly go wrong?

They sail close to the shore, moor the boat and with a few essentials tied to their backs, swim the short distance to the island. Once on the island, they immediately notice its great beauty, lush vegetation and see that there isn't a soul who is hell bent on interrupting them or keeping them apart. Michelle is swept away by it all and makes advances to Danny that are not totally respectful of his role as Captain. Danny pushes her gently away for the first time since their honeymoon began and says, Michelle please stop.

Seeing the sexy, sweet and pouty look in her eyes which she has perfected over the last two weeks causes Danny to waver momentarily. He smiles, bends down to kiss her forehead and then sweeps a kiss across her now swollen lips. He then jumps back into the water and swims back to the boat to retrieve some Chapstick to put on those lips, because the sun seems to have made them swell. He wasn't taking any chances with those lips on this trip. Finally he says, Michelle, there will be time for more consummating soon (this is their pet name for lovemaking having heard it somewhere echoing throughout their ears. They sometimes shorten it and just call it the Big C). But right now, I’d feel safer if we checked out the interior of the island a bit. Just to make sure that all is well, okay baby? Michelle answers, of course, Danny, what could possibly go wrong?

She quickly gave Danny a taste of what he would be missing in the meantime. He didn't miss it for long and after a brief respite of 20 minutes or so, the couple set off to explore their new island paradise. There is enough light from the setting sun to see a large portion of the island's landscape including a magnificent waterfall pool and hot springs, nature's version of a shower and a Jacuzzi.

Danny quickly locates a fresh water stream and several coconut and banana trees. Wait a second, what happened to the papaya trees? Didn't there used to be papaya trees here? Did someone take the trees? Who would take an entire tree? He announces to Michelle that they will not go hungry tonight and he is not talking entirely about food, when he sees that she is looking at him again with the pout again. He tries to avert his eyes until they can find somewhere that is not going to include sand, lizards or any other island creature. His new wife was wildly insatiable, and he just hoped that he'd be up to the task of keeping her happy after this trip was through, if he made it through this trip!

Michelle, it is very important that we stick close together as we walk into the jungle. I explored quite a bit of this island years ago but there is every chance that the island has changed for the worse. It already looks like someone may have stolen the papaya trees. It could be quite dangerous and treacherous. The jungle could be infested with: marmots, rats, iguanas, lizards, all kinds of snakes, and malaria and dengue fever spreading insects. Having digested his glowing report of this tropical paradise, she looked up at gasped. Hearing the sound escape from between her pouty lips Danny looked up at that same moment and gagged at the sight that now lay before them.

This is much worse than we could have imagined, Danny, she gasped. Yes, Michelle, you are right, it is a pestilence worse than the mixing of my sister's and mother's perfumes, worse than the smell of Dietz taking off his socks, worse even than the sound of my mother's voice screeching my name. Stay back, baby, just stay back and stick close to me.

There in the clearance just ahead of them, Michelle and Danny saw before them in all of their splendor, seven of Springfield's finest citizens. There had been rumors that they had been missing, but they were just so darn forgettable that nobody ever really went to look for them.

They appeared to have built a type of ramshackle village of bamboo and kudzu shacks. These Springfield Seven as Danny and Michelle would later think of them (and not too fondly at that) didn't seem to notice the young couple.

The Springfield Seven just went on about their routines; chopping down trees, burning local vegetation, and strewing trash everywhere. Hadn't these people heard of the diminishing rain forest, pollution, deforestation? I mean, the Santos chapter of the local rain forest conservation board even had a catchy motto. "It's a jungle out there, let's keep it that way." How could these people mess with their catch phrase? Didn't they know how long it had taken Dietz to come up with it? Weren't they at all concerned about being called Ugly Americans in a foreign land?

It appeared to Danny and Michelle that these happy, busy bodied folk had undergone a radical change or perhaps gone through the Bermuda Triangle or were in a strange alternative time warp. Or perhaps all of these. First of all, they all seemed to be doing actual work. Many of these residents had nice homes and cars and money but for the life of him, Danny couldn't tell you when he had seen any of them work, ever.

Michelle stopped Danny and showed him a large posted sign. They started reading. "Anyone entering this here island is now part of us, the Gilligans’ Guiding Light Island annex of Springfield. Cordially signed by Gilligan, AM, Gilligan, PM, (Or you can just call us Gilligan 1 and Gilligan 2.)"

Another sign adjacent to the first detailed the cast of characters. The ink with which the words were written had an orangy tint to it almost like a crayon or ... my papaya's. Danny thought, they used my precious papaya juice as ink! Let me at them.

Danny told Michelle that this seemed surreal. Michelle said, my perfect husband, remember we've only been on this show for 7 months (and you know I don't know what surreal means), you should hear what people say happened in year's past!

The two read off the list of Castaway Characters on the Island

Gilligan 1 and 2---Bill Lewis, Jr. And Jesse Blue. Since both men have limited brain power and both run on 9, D cell batteries combined, it was decided early on that each would have 12 hours of the day. The one with the little pink bunny was to take the morning shift and the one with the copper top to take the night. Together these two men make up the one brain. Bill (I have the best tan on the show) plays the part during the day and Jesse (so you won't have to look at my greasy hair) at night. Everyone hopes the professor can rig up a generator so that both men can live peacefully at the same time. Since there doesn't seem to be a shortage of coconuts on the island, it should only be a matter of time. Coconuts seem to be the staple on this island. You can do everything from eating them in a pie to making a high powered deluxe 72 channel CD player with seven disk changer.

The Skipper--Frank Cooper, Jr., is the skipper. As a member of Springfield's finest, (finest what we aren't sure). Frank believes that he is the only person qualified to captain the boat that shipwrecked when it went off course during the 3 hour tour. He also looks really neat in the hat that he gets to wear in this role. With the hat, he believes he would be the envy of everyone back in Springfield even those Sanchez’s, sorry, the Santos’.

Professor -- Ross Marler is the professor. While here he will answer the age old question--Ginger or Mary Ann?-- Hmm, Ginger or Mary Ann, Mary Ann or Ginger- what do I care, I am only here to make radios out of coconuts?

Ginger Grant--The red-haired movie queen will be portrayed by redhead Blake Marler- take a bow Blake. Okay out of the spotlight dear, there are still three other cast mates to introduce, oh all right, Blake. Hmm, that professor is one gorgeous hunk of man--I wonder if he has a brother?

Mary Ann Summers--The sweet Mary Ann Summers from a tiny farm in Kansas will be brought to life by the lovely Cassie Lane Jessup and will no doubt astound you with her culinary and juggling skills. Hey fellas, want to see my coconuts? They make a terrific pie.

And last but not least, our favorite married millionaire couple, lets leave our children somewhere (who cares where) and go on yet another trip, couple--The Howells. Thurston Howell III is played by Josh Lewis I and Lovey Howell will be played by Lovey, er, Reva Shayne Lewis.

Couple exchange: "Why did you pack ten suitcases for a three hour cruise Lovey?"

"Well Thirsty honey, I am the only one with any experience being shipwrecked which is surely what will happen if I am on the boat because as we all know, only tragedy befalls me wherever I go and the last time I was shipwrecked with that hunky Sean, oohh Sean, anyway, I have all the provisions we will need to survive, Uno Cards, check, Scrabble, check, Birth control pills, check."

The sign continued on…

With that in mind, please help us begin our little adventure. But first we request that you sing along as we play our theme song. Remember it starts of with a duh-duh-duh-duh

Gilligans’ Guiding Light Island Opening Theme

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale (actually just a story), A tale of a fateful trip (Do we have to go? Manny is going to do the big C this week), That started from this tropic port (San Cristobel baby), Aboard this tiny ship (Okay a yacht but you can use your imagination), The mate was a mighty sailor man (what is this rope for?) The skipper brave and true (Like my hat?) Five passengers set sail that day, For a three hour tour (That's 2 - 3 weeks in Mannyland), A three hour tour (Is there an echo in here?) (Crash of thunder, imagine waves crashing against boat, that sort of thing)

The weather started getting rough (Is this the hurricane Carmen we keep hearing of) The tiny ship was tossed (And so were most of their lunches), If not for the courage of the fearless crew (AAAHHHH we're all gonna die), The Minnow would be lost (Mannyacs In Need, Now of Whoopeemaking), The Minnow would be lost (there is that blasted echo again), The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle (couldn't they at least have updated the maps, look at the date on this thing, 1947),

With Gilligan (see above) The skipper too The millionaire And his wife The movie star The professor and Mary Ann Here on Gilligans’ isle.

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Danny couldn't help it. He loved watching reruns of this show as a child. He started singing the song right then and there. And with that, the entire cast turned to see the young couple and started running towards them.

It was then that Michelle read the small print on the sign. Danger Danger Danger and Danny was confused. Which story had they stumbled onto? Danger, Danger, Danger, Will Robinson was from Lost if Space. Wasn't it? Michelle read the remaining words on the sign. If you sing along to the theme song, you will become visible to these wacky characters and will become a cast member yourself involved in the crazy hijinks of what we call Gilligans’ Guiding Light Island.

Michelle shrieked. What would be worse on this new adventure? Having to sleep in the same cabin as Ginger and Mary Ann and away from Danny (because everyone knew that two was the ideal number of women to have in a cabin, if there were 3 women there was bound to be favoritism and one of the women would be conspired against by the other two). Or having to help change the batteries in the Gilligans, yuck.

Danny noted that he would no doubt be stuck sleeping in a hammock in the Gilligans’ and the Skipper’s hut, away from his insatiable but loving wife. He pondered why the professor got his own hut, maybe he….. Well, best to leave that one alone. Maybe the professor could move in with the Skipper and his two-first mates, Gilligan 1 and Gilligan 2.

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Gilligans' Guiding Light Island Opening Theme
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale (actually just a story), A tale of a fateful trip (Do we have to go? Manny may actually show us the Big C someday), That started from this tropic port (San Cristobel baby), Aboard this tiny ship (Okay a yacht but you can use your imagination), The mate was a mighty sailor man (what is this rope for?) The skipper brave and true (Like my hat?) Five passengers set sail that day, For a three hour tour (That's 2 - 3 weeks in Mannyland), A three- hour- tour (Is there an echo in here?) (Crash of thunder, imagine waves crashing against boat, that sort of thing)

The weather started getting rough (Is this the hurricane Carmen we keep hearing of?) The tiny ship was tossed (And so were most of their lunches), If not for the courage of the fearless crew (AAAHHHH we're all gonna die), The Minnow would be lost (Mannyacs In Need, Now of Whoopeemaking), The Minnow would be lost (there is that blasted echo again), The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle (couldn't they have updated the maps, look at the date on this thing, 1947?),

With Gilligan
The skipper too
The millionaire
And his wife
The movie star
The professor and Mary Ann
Here on Gilligans' isle.

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Here is a quick review of our castaway characters Gilligan 1 is Bill Lewis, Jr. And Gilligan 2 is Jesse Blue. Since both men have limited brain power and both run on 9, D cell batteries combined each are battery operated for 12 hours a day only.

The Skipper--Frank Cooper, Jr., is the Skipper. Frank believes that he is the only person qualified to captain the boat that shipwrecked when it went off course during the 3 hour tour.

Professor -- Ross Marler is the professor, he is on the island to make radios out of coconuts.

Ginger Grant--The red-haired movie queen will be portrayed by Blake Marler

Mary Ann Summers--The sweet Mary Ann Summers from a tiny farm in Kansas will be brought to life by the lovely Cassie Lane Jessup.

And last but not least, our favorite married millionaire couple, lets leave our children somewhere (who cares where) and go on yet another trip, couple--The Howells. Thurston Howell III is played by Josh Lewis I and Lovey Howell will be played by Lovey, er, Reva Shayne Lewis.

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Okay here we go…

The last time we left our tropical island castaways, Manny joined the cast, although we all hope this is temporary. The couple were discovered when Danny sang the Gilligans' Guiding Light Island (GGLI) theme song. Michelle and Danny's concerns about the islanders seem to be founded. Our couple were given blankets and allowed to sleep on the beach or anywhere else they wanted to spend the night. Totally, befuddled our couple wanders off to a romantic evening in a lovely little beach cove on beige colored sand. Ginger offered Michelle one of her gowns to sleep in but Mary Ann came forward with a grass skirt and coconuts on a string outfit, which Danny preferred. Danny asked to borrow a cap as he was afraid of sunburn in the early morning on his high forehead, but he noticed immediately that the Skipper and his mates, were extremely protective of their headgear and he decided to leave well enough alone. Mr. Howell offered Danny one of his black leather shirt and shorts ensembles which Lovey brought along on the trip. Why she picked leather to take to a tropical paradise he never figured out but it seemed like a good idea now.

Our couple wondered off to a little cove off the beach and although Danny was still muttering that this cove used to be filled with papaya trees; oh his beloved papaya trees. Michelle got his mind on other matters real quick as she changed into the grass skirt and coconuts top that Mary Ann had fashioned for her. Boy, that Mary Ann could do anything. As a matter of fact, Danny started thinking only about the coconuts for some time. In fact you might even say, that he had coconuts on the brain. Part of this was due to Michelle's beauty and part due to another story.

The sun was coming up over the Grand Piton volcano when Jesse/Gilligan 2 (G2) reported in to the professor to have his batteries recharged. He said he was tired and promptly went to the top hammock in his hut and went to sleep. This would have been fine if he didn't do this each and every morning. You see every day; he would climb into his hammock on top of Bill/Gilligan 1 (G1) when it would have made much more sense to just wake up G1 in a kinder manner. Instead every morning, Jesse/G2 would shake his head in wonder, as Bill/G1 would scream at him to "get off of me man." Jesse/Gilligan 2 always felt real bad and tried to remember not to do it the next day.

After telling Bill/G1 a quick story, Jesse/G2 fell fast asleep. That story is silly, thought Bill/G1. It had to do with something that happened late last night. G2 had been playing with his monkey, Beebo, on the beach. According to Jesse/G2, they liked to wave at the tourist ships passing by. Once one of the ships stopped by the island and asked them if they had any grey poupon and Jesse/G2 laughed at the silly word they used and said no and the ship had left. Anyway, G2 and his monkey were tossing around coconuts and had even taken to climbing in the nearby trees and tossing them to one another.

Beebo threw a coconut too long and high. G2 couldn't catch it and they had to go and look for the missing coconut. They found it in a cove along with the new couple. The man was swearing real loud and the woman was down on her knees checking to see as she said, "if all his equipment was still in working order." That struck G2 as odd as the man was holding his head like he'd been hit there and not down by his waist where he figured this equipment was. Oh well, G2 said that the cove looked all comfy cozy with all that beige sand and the palm fronds the couple fashioned into a bed. The man continued to rub his head and the woman kept examining him. Finally she stood up and asked him how many fingers she was holding up. G2 kept answering the question Michelle was asking but after five times or so, he got the hint and let the man, Danny, answer. What was holding fingers up going to prove anyway, that the man could count to 9? So what, he could count all the way to 10. G2 heard the man laughing and then the woman said that he must be okay. Michelle said it was important to her not to have a half conscious man in bed again after all those times with Jesse, which made G2 jump up and down on one foot trying to shake a memory out of his head. This usually helped to shake loose any cobwebs that made his mind forget things. This woman looked familiar but he couldn't quite place her (maybe his name, Jesse, was more common than he realized).

G1 often wondered if this monkey, Beebo, was actually a real animal the way G2 talked about him all the time, "me and my monkey, my monkey and me, its just up to my monkey." He went over to pick up the net he was supposed to hunt fish with that day. The Skipper said he and G2 couldn't use a pole anymore because they always lost them. As a matter of fact, what he said was that "you two wouldn't know how to treat a good fishing pole if one caught you." They didn't even ask what that meant but the Professor and Lovey both said it sounded Freudian or fraudulent or something and had tried to explain about the birds and the bees to the Gilligans. But they just laughed and laughed because they knew all about birds and about bees and they didn't need any explanations, thank you very much. What did they think they were, buffoons? They knew that they both birds and bees flew and that one would sting you if you held it in your hand too long and one would poop in your hand. Both of the Gilligans often forgot which was which but that is another story.

Anyway, they couldn't use a pole anymore because one of them and G1 and G2 wouldn't admit which one, they stuck together like that, had accidentally hooked the Professor's cellular phone (made from coconuts of course) with the pole and had thrown it into the ocean. Which wasn't a problem right away since a big fish ate the coconut phone and if they could catch the big fish they'd get the fish and a phone to boot! The problem came when one of them couldn't reel in the big fish and it got away with the phone! What would a fish need a phone for, anyway? Frank/Skipper did what he always did; he took off the Gilligans' hat and hit them both over the head with it. Neither could understand why the Skipper didn't use his own hat but they were so busy running away from the Skipper that it didn't much matter at the time. The Skipper sure liked his hat!

Bill/G1 shook himself conscious, well, as much as was possible for him. Great now his head hurt again! Man what a rude awakening, he thought as he straightened his hat and clothing. Every once in a while he wondered why they all slept with their clothes on. The same clothes day in and day out. He figured the best way to keep clean was to just take a bath once or twice in a blue moon, that way he could kill two birds with one fish, or something like that. Problem was of course that he was never up during the night so he wasn't too sure whether there had been a blue moon, yet, so he usually just depended on the other Gilligan to take care of the bathing.

Everyone else on the island liked to gossip and the Howells were the worst gabbers of them all. Josh/Mr. Howell was always listening in on the others' conversations. He said that he thought the girls changed out of their clothing at night. And Lovey said she'd hidden in the Professor's hut many times and gone through his things. She said she'd even found some love notes in Ross/Professor's old books including some from a Catherine, and an India (which confused Bill/G1 since he was pretty sure India was a country or a continent or an ink or something, he wasn't so sure what Catherine was). Anyway, Reva/Lovey also said she had seen the Professor strip down naked many times and everyone on hearing this pretty much figured that with that image, the Professor could keep having his own private hut, if you know what they meant. Of course Bill/G1 never did know but he didn't let on as he didn't want anyone to think he was a dim bulb like Lovey called G2 all the time.

Bill/G1 scratched his head because his brain hurt. It happened sometimes when he tried to think of things. The batteries must be short-circuiting again or maybe Jesse/G2 had been taking his batteries again, although he couldn't prove that. Besides who would believe him or listen to him?

He went to the piece of mirror that he hung on the hut wall to admire himself. Yes, that is right, he'd purposefully hung that mirror on the wall just to look at himself. He was easily the best-looking man on the island; didn't he have the best tan? Lovey was always coming up to him and feeling his biceps, at least she said that was what she was feeling but he had always thought his biceps were on his arms. Oh well.

He smiled at his reflection admiring his white teeth; which were hard to keep white here since there was no toothpaste on this darned island. When Jesse/G2 had chopped down all those papaya trees and started a fire, Ross/Professor had jumped up real quick like and said, "Stop we can save the papaya pulp for writing ink and the bark for cleaning our teeth." If it was Ross/Professor's idea, why did Bill/G1 have to go into the bonfire and pull out all the trees?

Anyway, Ross/Professor made this real cool neat stuff made from the papaya pulp and when you rubbed it on your teeth real hard it made them turn white. It was kind of like a sappy white wash paint. As a result, everyone on the island had a sparkling smile which was so bright that Bill/G1 had suggested they all go and smile on the beach at night when those tourist boats went by so close to shore. Wouldn't their smiles act like a person-made flashlight? Ross/Professor laughed at him, as did the Howells. Somehow, Bill/G1 thought they had different reasons for laughing. For one thing Ross/Professor didn't seem to want to go back to Springfield. He said he was enjoying playing with coconuts and making things and the Howells seemed to be escaping from some undiscovered secret that happened 5 years ago in their past. Now G1 didn't get that at all since he knew Josh/Mr. Howell was in Italy five years ago before he came back and got it on with that dame called Hurricane Annie, or was Josh in an actual hurricane?

G1 picked up his little sailor hat that G2 had just removed. Yuck, the oil just ran off his hands. What was with G2 anyway? Why did he have to use that boat crankcase oil for his hair gel? What if Ross/Professor decided to try and fix the boat someday? They'd only been on the island for 10 coconuts, which meant 10 weeks, he thought, oh his head. Anyway, there was almost no oil left for the boat's gears or engines thanks to G2. Even if the professor ever did get around to fixing that small hole in the boat, there would be no oil left to run the motor. It would all be in Jesse/G2's hair. G1 had begged the Professor to come up with something to suck up all the grease out of G2's hair but the Professor had just shook his head and said there weren't enough remaining papayas or even coconuts on the island to soak up all that oil in Jesse/G2's hair.

Let's see what was going to happen today? First breakfast. Oh good, his favorite meal of the day. Mary Ann always insisted on serving fish for every meal. She said that both of the Gilligans needed a lot more brainpower and the protein in fish might be just the ticket. He didn't get it, why would protein from fish help him? Why would he need more brainpower? Bill/G1 groaned. He hated to eat his friends, the fish.

Every day before he retired to his hammock after his 12-hour shift, he would always go and check on the small pond enclosure he'd built for the fish he was supposed to be catching. But every day when he went to fill the pond up all the fish were gone. It made him sad to think his friends, the fish, had just up and walked away without him. Sometimes it seemed that he was catching the same fish everyday or it seemed that one with a special marking would turn up on his breakfast plate. But that made his head hurt. He thought it is not like G2 or even the Skipper would come and empty his pond. Was it? Nah.

Mary Ann liked to serve fish for every meal and also coconuts and bananas. Sometimes she made his favorite meal of green mashed bananas cooked over a low heat with coconut milk. It was real good and didn't taste fishy at all.

G1 went to the cove to check on the new visitors. They were all cute curled up against one another so close and they looked so cute in their little outfits, wait a second, they didn't have any clothes on at all. Didn't they know they could catch cold that way, didn't' they know that one of them could get pregnant that way? He sure hoped it wasn't that man that got pregnant, he didn't look too motherly to him. Skipper said all kinds of things could happen when men take their clothes off, that is why G1 always kept his clothes on around the Skipper who always seemed to be looking at "his little buddies" a little too closely. Kind of like Lovey eyed the Professor.

He wandered away. He would warn them later about the dangers of being without clothes, when they had put some on! The girl, Michelle, told him that he looked just like her best friend back home and that she had been engaged to G2 back home. G1 wondered why he always got the short-end of the stick, still if being engaged or something meant sleeping without clothes he was just as glad to be a friend only. He definitely did not want to get pregnant. After all, he didn't have any other clothes. What would he wear when his stomach got big?

G1 had trouble remembering things. The Skipper said that it was his fault that they were stranded on this island paradise. He scratched his head, he had remembered to throw out the anchor back at the dock. He had pulled it from the boat and threw it into the marina trashcan. And then there was the second anchor which the skipper always kept, "just in case one of the idiots mess up," well Bill/G1 had remembered to throw that one out during the storm. But he'd forgotten to make sure it was tied to anything first. He didn't understand why the skipper was so mad, he got part of it right and that was an improvement over what he usually did.

Why did everyone blame him? It wasn't his fault; he couldn't help it if his batteries were always running a bit low. It wasn't like he was that energetic bunny. He guessed it was like Frank said, Bill and Jesse just tried so hard that they always ended up making things worse instead of better. He laughed when he thought of seeing the couple late yesterday afternoon. They had taken off running, not sure why, and were gaining ground when Michelle tripped on a coconut trap and sprained her ankle. Well, he'd checked on the couple and he needed to go see if Mary Ann needed help with breakfast.

He went into the hut to try and wake up the Skipper who was as usual still asleep and snoring and wearing that darn cap of his. He never took it off; he called it his power hat. He was always getting on everyone's nerves by saying "don't I look good in this hat?" But G1 knew why he wore the hat, to cover up a bald spot he was getting due to stress. Yep the Skipper had anxiety. His wife and daughter were missing for over 3 months. His place burned down and so did his dad's diner. Plus life on Springfield's police force wasn't all that glamorous.

He went off to breakfast and made the mental observation that it was only he and Cassie/Mary Ann who did most of the work. The Howells always said the reason was the Gilligans and Mary Ann were the only ones who ever worked before, and it didn't make sense for the others to start now. Hmmm. Somehow that always made perfect sense when Reva/Lovey would look at them with those pond eyes and held up that ring and swung it so they'd be like hypnotized.

G1 thought back on all the cool things he'd pulled up out of the ocean reef with his net. Why he'd found all kinds of things; flashlights, real waterproof cellular phones, waterproof radios and cameras, waterproof flare guns and ship rescue kits. Why he'd even found some broken up deck chairs and pads and notes and letters from some ship called the SS Titanic. Go figure. Never heard of that boat, throw them back in like he did with everything else that didn't have any value to the islanders.

Sometimes he'd find things that were real valuable. Like the time he'd found; those radioactive encased vegetables, those cannon balls, the magician's equipment and the old trunk of 19th century clothes with the name Mannysmoke printed on all the collar labels. Must have been some TV show serial? And of course he'd found that Guiding Light medical identification bracelet that said hope and some other words on it. But Lovey had personally thrown it back into the ocean, herself!

And some real cool people had dropped by to visit and sit a spell. There was that Austin Powers dude and his little friend Minnie Mouse or was it Mini-Me? And there was the time that the surfer guy surfed up to the island and Blake/Ginger and Mary Ann had pretended not to notice the Gilligans' anymore. Like either one of them were forgettable, ever! Anyway all the girls talked to this surfer dude about were their coconuts and both of the Gilligans were tired of hearing about coconuts, thank you!

There was that time the woman showed up that said she was a clone of Reva/Lovey's? But she had aged real fast and they'd buried her at sea. They had patched up the boat hole just for the day with all of Bill/G1's chewing gum and sailed out with her body and had a real nice burial and all. Mary Ann had been seeing this preacher called Ray on the sly like and she had one of his prayer books with her. She seems real worried that in her absence he will go and commit himself to God, whatever that means. The only time G1 has ever been in a church was one time when he tried to defuse a bomb before a guy that looked just like this Danny, the new guy had saved the day. But no way could they be the same people. And why did he feel funny every time he talked about Pilaring a banana, oops he always did that, peeling a banana?

Anyway the day they buried the clone that looked like Mrs. Howell it had taken them a long time to get back to the island, they had passed a lot of other islands with lights and things but they had finally found their dim little island. They all breathed a sigh of relief when they got back to their home away from Springfield.

Then there was one guy who visited the island who was a mad scientist. The scientist (and why was he so angry, anyway) had taken everyone to another nearby island and mixed up their brains with each other. Bill/G1 had been real excited to finally have a whole brain for a while even if it was Mrs. Howell's. Funny, while he'd had her brain all he could do was think about driving a car off a bridge and then washing up ashore on San ChrissyBells Island and meeting a man (yucksters) who was real royal like and having a baby (gross) and then running away and joining a commune with Mennonites (there were those men again, double yuck) and then finding Alan Spaulding (golly) and then going to Springfield and meeting Hurricane Annie (whizikers). Maybe he should tell Reva/Mrs. Howell about that, naw, she remembers it all. And that baby Jonathan was such a cutie and the people she left him with, well no use crying over spilled coconut milk, G1 said. Oh funny, I just made a joke, he laughed to himself. He did have a sense of humor; he didn't care what the Skipper said or anybody else said for that matter. He wasn't just a loner or was that loser?

It was funny about people visiting the island; they always seemed to drop by but left quickly without any of the GGLI crew. Somehow they all just seemed to leave about five minutes before the rest of the cast were ready to go during one of those 30 minute episodes.

Mary Ann was setting the table: she laid out the dishes made from papaya bark, the spoons made from seashells, the napkins made from leaves, and the placemats made from cured and woven fern fronds. Mary Ann always said that if she ever made it off this island alive with any form of sanity left or if she hadn't killed the lot of us yet, that she'd like to start up her own line of authentic island dinnerware. She also said that since Martha Stewart, another former stripper, had made a deal with K-Mart, why couldn't she?

Everyone else came and joined them for breakfast. Except the Howells who always insisted they be served their breakfast in bed. As a matter of fact they seemed to spend a lot of time in bed. If the island action didn't revolve around them, they'd either try to invent some drama or just take to bed. They must be real tired people; at least I know I get tired around them, G1 thought. And didn't he remember them having some kids or something? He thought he used to call him his cousins.

The Professor held a new invention in his hand. He loved to make things for them to use on the island. Why if it weren't for him, they wouldn't even have their own fishbone combs. It didn't matter that they all had combs already, the Professor said it was important when in paradise to do as the natives do. That thought made Bill/G1's head hurt. It was going to be a long day, it was only 9 AM by the porpoise clock which the Professor had rigged up with the ship's handy dandy Instant Clock Kit/OR Ship Patch and Repair Kit. G1 wondered if the Professor was so smart, why didn't he just fix the boat, couldn't something be rigged with coconuts?

Ginger made her usual glamorous entrance to the table. She had on her gold lame gown which was real nice as after 10 weeks of beating it on rocks to clean it, it was starting to wear thin in some areas where she pointed out. All the men stood to attention when Ms. Ginger came to the table. Everyone except for the Professor who always said it would be embarrassing for him to stand up at that moment.

The new couple, Manny as they called themselves, showed up and Ginger and Mary Ann both asked the new guy if he had a cousin back home that looked as good as him? Ginger always talked like she was out of breath. Maybe she was just trying to keep those pointy things on her chest from falling out.

G1 went in and woke up the Skipper. The Skipper always said just five more minutes Gilligan. And after about 2 hours by the porpoise clock, G1 would bump into the hammock turning it over so the Skipper would come to breakfast. Right after breakfast the Skipper went right back to bed and slept until the next meal. Josh/Mr. Howell who had been to Japan before working on the Nagasomething real estate deal before this trip, said that the Skipper was on the out of shape Sumo Wrestler's diet. It was true the Skipper had put on a lot of weight while on the island.

The Skipper got up off the floor when the hammock was turned over and after a lot of swearing said, "Hey there little buddy." G1 hated being called little buddy. He also resented getting blamed for so much. He thought with the Skipper asleep most of the day, no wonder I get into trouble, I am left unsupervised most of the day!

The Skipper said that a new day was dawning and today they'd surely find their way back to the island. So far the Skipper had said that 70 times. G1 knew this because he had been hard at work developing a software coconut inventory tracking system. Mr. Howell said that if G1 could complete this project, then it could solve the Y2K problem and/or save millions of dollars for SanCorp or Lewis Oil or Spaulding Enterprises etc. G1 didn't want to give his system up to anyone; he just wanted to continue using it to count coconuts and the days that the Skipper said that a new day was dawning.

The Skipper said that he was in charge, actually G1 thought that the Skipper liked being in charge because he didn't want to get back to Springfield and return to his old life with; no place to live, no wife or child to be found, and working with that other keystone cop, David Grant. The island gossip was that this guy David was up to no good. He was starting to look pretty suspect since he had a vendetta against those nice Sanchez's who made that chocolate candy down on 4th street. G1 noticed that when the Skipper saw the new people he reached up and planted his hat, firmly on his head. Did he think these people wanted his hat? That darn hat! If the Skipper hadn't been holding onto it so hard during that storm they might all be back in San Chrissyballs right now. See the Skipper wouldn't admit it but G1 actually tried to throw him the second anchor during that storm but the Skipper refused to catch it because he'd been faced with the decision of maybe losing his hat or losing the ship and well he chose the right thing, didn't he?

Danny and Michelle slowly drank their coconut milk (Danny could have gone for some papaya juice but that was a sore subject this morning) and ate their breakfast of mashed green bananas and fish. They had spent less than 14 hours with these people and our young couple already intensely disliked each and every one of these castaways (and they'd spent 12 hours in their private cove, so you get the picture). What a gangly group sat before them; the dueling Gilligans (well one was at breakfast--where was the one with that monkey, Beebo?), the nutty Professor, the hard working farm girl/stripper Mary Ann, the gold lame dressed movie star want to be Ginger, the hat happy Skipper and the ever absent (thank goodness, you don't want to get involved in a story line with those two) Howell's. After all the last two would just get all the air time while fans throughout Mannyland would be screaming for more Manny love scenes, none of which seemed to be forthcoming, anyway.

Michelle and Danny both suddenly burst out laughing and turned to one another and said, "It sure looks like we aren't in Springfield anymore!"

So folks it is now only 10 am on the GGLI, do you feel like you are watching a soap opera, is this moving too fast for you or should we slow it down a bit? Stay tuned for our next episode where the Howells try to save their bearer bonds (and explain what they are) from G1 and G2's attempts to use them to build a fire so that they can toast marshmallows. Also see Danny attempt to fly that plane that Ross/Professor has fashioned out of coconuts.

Gilligans' Guiding Light Island Closing Theme
So this is the tale of the castaways (although our castaways don't really have tails unless you count Jesse), They're here for a long, long time (too bad really since San Cristobel is only 10 miles south), They'll have to make the best of things (let's see, no taxes, tropical paradise, sleeping late), It's an uphill climb (anyone know how I can get to this island?) The first mate and the Skipper too, will do their very best (wish I could wear the hat ), To make the others comfortable, in their tropic island nest (sort of like a dodo's nest), No phone, no light, no motor cars, not a single luxury, (what have we been doing with all those coconuts anyway), Like Robinson Crusoe, its primitive as can be (we gave them to Friday), So join us here each week my friends, you're sure to get a smile (I think I would rather risk it at Casa Santos), From seven stranded castaways, here on Gilligans' Guiding Light Island! (I'll take my chances with new sitcoms. Anyone know where Mayberry is?)

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