A Christmas Fic
By Lia
This is my take on Manny's first Christmas together. There
is no FBI etc. This is my interpretation :-)
Christmas. I used to love the holiday, but not anymore.
Nothing has been the same in my family since Papa died. Papa
used to add such laughter to this dreary house. I can still
hear his laugh echo through the halls. I wish that he was
still here. I wish that he could have met Michelle. Instead,
he is gone because of the family business. And Mick is gone
because of his own undoing. I have always believed Michelle
when she told me that she killed him in self-defense. It was
not her fault that Mick was an animal. I just wish that I
could have protected her from him. Now, I am married to her.
I am married to a woman who does not love me. But something
has changed. I wish that she would stop fighting me long
enough and figure that out. My grandmother tells me that
Michelle does care about me, but I have to be patient. Oh,
Grandmother, only if it was that simple.
Mama is in a horrible mood. I wonder if she is thinking about
Papa. I wish that I could talk to her about Papa, but she is
too practical to reminisce. All I can think about is Papa.
This was his favorite holiday, and he always made sure that
Mick, Pilar and I had fun. I think that Christmas was one of
the few times that we acted like a normal family. It is hard
to watch Michelle get in the holiday spirit. It makes me
think of Papa. I have noticed that the strange looks that
Michelle has been giving me, but I can't tell her. I want to
tell her about Papa, but I know that she doesn't care about
me. I want Michelle to rock me in her arms and tell me that
it is going to be alright. If only..
I don't know how long I can keep all this bottled up. Tears
are starting to overtake my body. The pain in my heart
overwhelms me. There are only two people that I truly care
about. Papa and Michelle. Michelle. I want her to comfort me.
I want to tell her about the dreams of Papa that haunt me at
night. I wish that she would hold me and never let go. I
wonder what it feels like it to be in her arms. I can't do
this to myself anymore; I can't keep torturing myself.
I need to be close to Papa, and there is one place where I
can still feel him. I grab a bottle of scotch and a glass,
and I walk to my grandfather's private study. It was a room
that not many people knew about, and it was the one place,
that Papa would take me, so we could spend time together. It
was a place just for us. The darkness of the room comforts
me. With shaking knees, I walk over to the bookcase, and take
one of the picture albums. Tears pour down my cheeks as I
leaf through pictures of my father and I. I need you, Papa.
The burning sensation left by the scotch feels good, maybe it
can numb the pain. Suddenly, light floods the room and I see
Michelle standing in the doorway. I can't let her see me like
this.
"Danny, there you are. I have been looking…"
She looks at me, and realizes that I have been crying. She
walks over to the couch, and sits next to me. "Danny,
what is the matter? Please tell me."
I search her face to see if she is being sincere. Her eyes
are so kind and loving. But I can't tell her, it is too
painful, so I lie. "Nothing is wrong. I was just…
It does not matter, Michelle."
"Well, it matters to you. Why won't you tell me?" I
forget that the photo album is still on my lap, so when I
shift my body, it falls to the floor. I try to grab it before
Michelle reaches for it.
"What is this?" She starts to flip through the
pictures, and then stops, "Oh, Danny, these are pictures
of your father. You miss him, don't you?"
I want to lie to her, but I can't. She is trying to comfort
me, and I want her to. "I miss him more than you will
ever know. I just needed to.." I can hear my voice
crack, and tears starting to well in my eyes
Michelle finishes my sentence for me. "You just needed
to feel close to him. I lost my mom when I was young, and it
still hurts. But Danny, you should not keep this all bottled
up, you need someone to help you."
I want you to help me, Michelle. You, I think to myself, but
instead I say, "I don't have anyone. Nobody seems to
care about my feelings. Mama never talks about it, and my
Grandmother, I can't burden her"
Michelle moves to closer to me, and takes my face in her
hands. "I care, Danny. I care. And I want to help you.
Please let me."
I let myself fall into her warm and welcoming embrace. I feel
so warm and safe in her arms. I want to stay in her arms
forever. As my sobs subsided, Michelle asks me about Papa. I
tell her about Papa, and how he would decorate the house into
a winter wonderland. And Michelle tells me about Christmas
time with her parents. I wish that I got the chance to meet
her mother, she sounds like a wonderful woman. Michelle pulls
away from our embrace, and tells me that she has to go Does
she regret reaching out to me? Wasn't she able to forget
about everything else for a moment? I don't know. I wish I
knew what she was thinking.
Finally, I cannot stand it anymore, and I leave the study to
find Michelle. Where in the world was she? Was she hiding
from me? God, I hope not. As I reach for the doorknob to our
bedroom, I realize that my hand is shaking. I don't know what
to expect from Michelle anymore. I take a deep breath and
walk into the bedroom. To my surprise, it is dark. Was she
here? This is silly, I tell myself. I switch on the lights,
and I can't believe my eyes. The whole bedroom is filled with
holly, paper chains, a small Christmas tree, and Christmas
ornaments. Suddenly, I see Michelle sitting on our bed with a
big smile on her face, as she walks towards me, I realize
that she is wearing just a red nightgown.
"I hope that you like it, Danny. It took me forever to
make those paper chains." She starts to laugh but stops
when she sees my face. "I am sorry, Danny, I
just.."
She thinks that I am going to be mad at her. She couldn't be
more wrong. "No, Michelle. It is so beautiful. It's just
nobody has ever done this for me. Why? Why did.." Before
I can finish my sentence, Michelle is standing right in front
of me.
" I did it because I want to show you much I care about
you, Danny. I love you, Danny."
I think that my heart is about to burst. Michelle loves me.
Did you hear that, Papa? She loves me.
"I love you too, Michelle. I always have." I lift
her head to mine, and I kiss her with all the passion and
love that I feel for her. As the kiss deepens, I think that I
can feel Papa smiling down at us.