Ok, this fic acts as if Christmas occured sometime while Manny was still married and there was no FBI thing, no Drew, etc.It's also VERY long, but hey, it was a Mannyless day and I'm trying to do right by my Mannyac sisters!

She's been crying.

She sees me and wipes away the tears with the back of her hand quickly. She gives that shaky, nervous laugh I've grown so used to these past few months and says, "I guess the holidays bring out the weepy side of me."

Living with me brings out the weepy side of her, I think. But I just smile and say, "Admit it, Michelle, you've been watching 'It's A Wonderful Life' for the millioneth time, haven't you?"

She smiles, a dazzling and true smile that I see very rarely. "You've found me out," she jokes. I can't help but smile too. It's moments like these that make it easy for me to pretend we have a real marriage. I can almost see me crossing the room and wrapping my arms around her waist. I would rest my chin on her hair and we would watch the snow together. Then I would carry her to our room and we would celebrate as husband and wife. Instead, I stand awkwardly and watch her try not to cry again.

"You miss your family," I finally say and hate the words the minute they leave my mouth.

Her lips trembles and she snaps, "You sound surprised. Don't Santoses miss their families when their miles away from them on Christmas?"

I turn away so she can't see the hurt I know is in my eyes. Just when I think we're getting somewhere, reality pervades and I'm forced to remember that she doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to be my wife.

I hear her sigh and she comes to me, laying a tentative hand on my arm. "I'm sorry, Danny," she says, biting her lower lip. "I didn't mean to snap at you like that. It was very...very nice of you to bring me here."

Like an idiot, I thought that taking Michelle away from Springfield for the holidays would somehow be better than spending Christmas with my mother.

All I've done is made her miserable and homesick.

The house we're staying in is up in the Catskills. It's a "cabin", Santos style, meaning it's practically a castle hidden in the woods. For the past few days, Michelle and I have rattled around up here barely speaking.

I gave her her own room. It just made things a little easier. Now she's standing in front of the huge front window watching the snow fall. The white lights on the Christmas tree that dominates the room cast a soft glow over her features and she looks almost angelic.

In another lifetime, I would have laughed at such a stupid, romantic thought. But since Michelle came into my life, such thoughts have become as common to me as breathing.

"Do you like it here?" I ask and she smiles. The smile doesn't light up her eyes, though. That's how I always know if her smiles are real or not.

"It's beautiful. And so different from your house." She realizes what she's said and laughs. "Not that your house isn't-"

I laugh and hold up my hands. "I got it, it's ok."

This time, the smile is in her eyes.

Have I always been so in love with her? When the hell did this happen, exactly? You know, to tell the truth, I think it was Michelle who snuck up on me. She was the exact opposite of every woman I'd ever wanted. So somehow, when I wasn't looking, the prim and proper Michelle Bauer, with her big brown eyes and even bigger heart, crept into my soul and took up permanent residence.

She's wearing a white angora sweater that was a gift from her brother and an old pair of jeans. She looks soft and touchable and my hands itch with wanting her.

I shove them in my pockets.

"So..." I breathe. "It's Christmas Eve. Anything in particular you feel like doing?" The words too closely echo what I said on our wedding night and I inwardly wince.

If she noticed the similarity, she doesn't say anything. She just shrugs and smiles a sad little smile. "What did your family do on Christmas Eve?" she asks, a little shyly.

The question catches me by surprise. "Um...nothing special, I guess. Christmas was the one time we acted like a normal family. Except the carols were in Spanish and Dietz put the star on the tree."

Michelle looks shocked and bursts into giggles. "Dietz?"

I start to smile. "Yeah, our tree always went in the front hallway and you know how high the ceiling is in there." She nods and laughter continues to light her eyes.

"Well, Mama always got a huge tree. I mean huge."

"Bigger than this one?" Michelle asks, gesturing to the tree that towers behind her.

"Oh yeah, I mean this one's only, what...ten feet? Maybe twelve? The one's we had back home were at least fifteen."

Michelle crosses her arms and gives me a skeptical look. "Danny, I saw the tree at your house before we left. It was no taller than six feet and it was in the living room."

I continue to smile. I probably look like an moron, but who cares? Michelle is laughing with me and the snow outside makes me feel like we're the only people in the world. And it's Christmas. Anything can happen, right?

I sit down on the couch and, after a moment's hestiation, Michelle sits down beside me, tucking her legs under her. "There's a reason the tree is so short now," I tell her."That's what I'm trying to tell you."

Intrigued, she leans forward like a girl scout listening to a spooky story by the campfire.

"Mama always had Dietz put the star on the tree because it was so high up and she didn't want to risk any of our necks." Michelle's lips quirk. "How thoughtful."

I ignore that. "Anyway, a couple of years back, Dietz was putting up the star and me and Ray and Pilar and Mick-" Michelle briefly lowers her eyes, but I continue. "and Mama were all gathered around, watching him, drinking eggnog, the whole bit. Well, Mama was wearing this beautiful black velvet dress that Papa had given her the..." So many years, and the memory of my father still hurts. "the last Christmas he was alive. It was a beautiful dress. A little inappropriate for Christmas with the family, but Mama always wore it."

"She must have really loved him."

The softness in her tone makes me look up, surprised. "Yeah, I guess she did."

"What was he like?"

"Like me, or at least that's what my mother says."

"Then no wonder she loved him-" Michelle breaks off and blushes a furious pink. "I mean...no wonder she loves you so much. If you...if you remind her of your dad."

My smile broadens. That wasn't what she meant and we both know it.

Michelle brushes her hair back from her forehead and tugs at her wedding band. "Go on with your story."

I shake my head to clear it. "Right. Anyway, the dress was a little...um...lowcut."

Michelle raises an eyebrow.

"So we're all standing there looking up at Dietz who's trying to put the star on the top of the tree while clinging to the ladder with one hand. And he was doing a pretty good job. Then one of Mama's earrings fell off." Laughter begins to bubble up in me as I remember. "She bent over to pick it up and Dietz chose that moment to look down."

Michelle throws back her head and laughs. "So he got a pretty, um...candid view of your mother."

I laugh harder. "You could say that. Well, he was so...shall we say, entranced, with the view that he lost his balance and fell right into the tree."

Michelle's eyes widen and tears of mirth begin to pour down her cheeks. "So the solemn Dietz took a nosedive into your Christmas tree?"

My sides are aching with laughter now. "Yep, which caused to whole damn tree to take a nosedive. It broke straight in the middle, with Dietz clinging to the top for dear life. It tore a painting off the wall and annihilated an end table on the way down."

"Was anyone hurt?"

I shake my head. "No, we all leapt out of the way when we saw what was about to happen. Pilar was upset because we didn't have a tree, Mick was yelling at Dietz for being such a clutz and Mama...Mama was livid. She kept demanding an explanation and Dietz kept trying to stammer one out. Ray and I knew exactly what had happened and just laughed our asses off."

Michelle leans back against the couch, her shoulders shaking with laughter. "I can just see him!" she giggles. "Oh, Danny, we should have invited him up here to decorate our tree!"

We sit on the couch, laughing together for a long while.

"That was my favorite Christmas memory," I say when I finally catch my breath.

I look over at my wife, who's looking at me with a soft smile and Christmas lights in her eyes. "Until now," I add softly. Michelle looks a little surprised by that, but not shocked or upset. She reaches out a hand to touch my hair."Thank you for bringing me here, Danny. I know I haven't been exactly grateful, but it was a lovely thing for you to do."

"You're welcome." I wonder, if I kissed her now, would she pull away? Again?

She must sense my thoughts. She hops off the couch and, without a word, runs into the next room. I sit, more than a little shocked, on the couch and stare at the empty doorway. What the hell was that? One minute we're talking and the next, she bolts like-

Suddenly, she reappears, a big smile on her face and a giant box in her hands.

"I was going to wait until Christmas morning, but I want to give you this now," she says, holding the box out to me.

I just stare at it for a second.

"What?" she laughs. "Haven't you ever seen a present before?"

"I guess I just wasn't expecting anything."

Michelle cocks her head to the side. "Well, what did you think I was doing just now?"

Running away from me, I think. But I just smile and shrug and take the present.

"I wrapped it myself," Michelle says proudly as she sits back down beside me. I look at the lumpy paper and the miles of scotch tape. Hiding a smile, I say, "You mean this wasn't gift wrapped in the store? I never would have guessed!"

Michelle lightly punches my shoulder. "It's the thought that counts. And it wouldn't be special if I didn't wrap ot with my own two hands."

I look at her.

"Ok, ok," she says rolling her eyes. "The store didn't have the paper I wanted and I couldn't bribe anyone at your house to do it for me."

I laugh and on impulse, kiss her cheek. Her skin is warm and soft beneath my lips and I long to explore it more fully. "Thank you."

She laughs, but the sound is husky. "You haven't opened it yet."

"I'm thanking you in advance."

I tear into the paper like a little kid, which seems to make her happy. My mother always just put a few thousand dollars in our accounts for Christmas. Maybe Pilar got a few dresses, but that was it. The last person to give me a present was my father. That last Christmas, he had called me aside and, without a word, removed the simple gold cross he always wore around his neck. "To remind you always of where your heart is, Daniel," he had said, slipping it over my head.I wore it until the day he died. It hurt to much to look at it for after that, but I always keep it near me.

Michelle is leaning over my shoulder as I open the box and a brilliant smile lights her face as I laugh at what I see.

The box is full of dress shirts.

Red, green, blue, a deep burnt orange, beige, even a yellow and a purple. "Is this a comment on my wardrobe?" I ask her and her eyes are sparkling. "I just thought you could use some color, that's all. Not that I don't think you look nice in black-" that blush again -"but I think some variety would be nice."

I kiss her cheek again, feeling absurdly happy. "Thank you, Michelle. I love them."

She looks at me, beaming. "You do?"

I nod. "Yes, I really do. They're perfect."

She throws her arms around my neck and gives me a quick hug. "Merry Christmas, Danny."

I hug her back, my throat constricting. "Merry Christmas, baby." As much as this rollercoaster of a marriage can hurt sometimes, I wouldn't trade these momentary highs for anything. Soon enough, we'll come racing back down, and we'll both remember who and what we are. Or we'll be thrown for a loop, back to being enemies instead of unsteady allies. I know Michelle cares about me. I see it in her eyes when she thinks I'm not looking. And there are times when she'll come up to me and drape an arm around my waist or rest her head against me. Times when she seeks out my touch and doesn't cringe from it. Times like tonight.

Michelle is watching me with something unreadable in her eyes. I want to touch her so bad it hurts, but I stay where I am. She looks....disappointed, maybe? and rises from the couch. "Well, it's late and I'm gonna turn in."

"I'll walk you to your room," I offer and she smiles at that. I know I should have just let her go by herself, but I don't want this night to end, not yet.

She loosely slips her hand in mine as we walk out of the room and then, suddenly, pulls up short.

"What?" I ask, turning to see her frozen in the doorway. She points above our heads. I look up and see mistletoe hanging right over us.

"Oh that," I say, feeling shy for some insane reason. "The maids here go a little overboard decorating. It's just some stupid trad-"

She raises up on tiptoe and presses her lips to mine. I've kissed Michelle several times, but each kiss takes my breath away. This one is no different.

I wrap my arms around her slender waist,pulling her as close to me as I can. She sighs and I feel her fingers in my hair. To my surprise, she opens her mouth under mine and the kiss deepens. I've never known anything so natural and so right as kissing this woman. I can't even imagine what it would be like to make love to her.

She leans into me and I fall back against the doorframe.

I take that back. I can imagine exactly what it would be like.

When the kiss ends, we're both dazed and breathing heavy. Michelle pulls back and covers her lips with one hand. "I'm...I'm sorry, Danny," she sputters. "I d-don't know what came over me."

So she still thinks it's unnatural to want me. I turn away from her. "Must be the season," I say and my voice sounds broken. I hear her start to sniffle. "Must be."

Then she runs out of the room and upstairs. I wait until I hear her door slam to go to my own bedroom.

****

I sleep fitfully and it isn't until the ragged edges of dawn begin to appear that I finally drift off. As usual, my dreams are haunted by Michelle. She kissed me because she wanted to. Because she wants me. But something keeps holding her back. Is it that I'm a Santos? Is it Jesse? Is it something within herself?

I don't know. But I do know that we can't keep dancing around each other like this.

The dreams fade and deep sleep claims me.

I'm awakened by a hand on my forehead. I open my eyes to see Michelle standing over me, backlit by the filtered gray light of morning.

"Merry Christmas," she whispers and then lowers her lips to mine. At first, I think it's just another dream. But as she slips under the sheets next to me and I feel her warm, bare skin next to mine, I know this is real.

"Michelle...why?" I ask even as I take her in my arms.

She looks at me with those beautiful, honest eyes and says, "Because I'm tired of pretending I don't want this." She kisses me again and I'm drowning in her yet again. My lips and hands overlap each other, wanting to taste and touch as much of her as I can.

"Oh, Danny," she sighs as our bodies join, "I've wanted you for so long."

When release comes, it's like none I've ever known before. It's so much more than just physical satisfaction and I can't even begin to describe it.

"I love you," I whisper as I collapse onto her.

She strokes my sweaty hair away from my temple and murmurs, "I know."

We lay together for a long time, neither one of us willing to let the other go. It's Michelle who pulls back to look in my eyes. "Do you really love me, Danny?"

Some last shred of pride within me begs me to be vague, knowing she can't say the words back.

But I say simply, "Yes."

She rolls onto her side and leans her head on her hand. "Since when?"

I run my hand over the dip of her waist. "Since that first night at my house when you got into bed with me, practically shaking with fury."

Her nose wrinkles. "You fell in love with me when I hated you?"

I give a despairing laugh. "Yeah, I guess I did."

Michelle flops on her back and stares at the ceiling. "I fell in love with you tonight," she says so matter of factly that I'm sure my eyebrows disappear into my hairline. "Excuse me?"

She smiles and turns to look at me. "I fell in love with you the minute you opened my present. You just looked so happy and...I don't know, free. Like how you must have been...before. And I knew I loved you."

"But you looked so horrified after we kissed."

Michelle nods and strokes my cheek. "I was scared, Danny. I'm still scared. Loving you is...well, it won't be easy, that's for damn sure."

I laugh. "I love you, Michelle," I tell her again and my heart nearly explodes when she says, "I love you too."

I reach into the nightstand and pull out the gift I have for her.

"Merry Christmas," I tell her, placing it in her hands.

She looks at the gold cross and breathes, "It's beautiful."

I watch as she places the slim gold chain around her neck. It sparkles as she leans in to kiss me.

I can hear my father's words as he gave me that same necklace. "To remind you always of where your heart is, Daniel."

I look at the gold as it lies against my wife's throat.

I remember, Papa. I remember.


Challenges

Home