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Setting: Danny is sitting at Millennium nursing a scotch. Danny and Michelle have just had their confrontation in the part, and Danny is leaving for California in a couple of hours and is contemplating his life without Michelle..
Rating: PG so far
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Why did I have to see her tonight? Danny asked himself for the hundredth time in the last hour. He had thought he could go though with his end of the bargain ( or devils agreement as he was now referring to it as ) with his mother much easier if he just shut his eyes, took a deep breath and just left without looking back. He may have managed to do just that, he tried in vain to convince himself, if he just hadn't seen her in Pilar's room barely 2 hours ago. Maybe once he got to California, the thousand mile difference would help him forget her and their brief time together as man and wife. Wasn't time supposed to heal all wounds and that sort of crap. More like time wounds all heels and if there ever was a heel on this earth, it was Danny Santos. Maybe once he was out west he would be able to forget her in a couple of years, maybe ten, maybe fifty......
He stared down into the glass looking for answers but found only his reflection mocking him from within the dark amber liquid. He had yet to take a drink but holding it and twirling the ice around was giving his shaking hands something to do while he counted the minutes until he left behind Michelle along with his heart. The liquid sloshing over the rapidly melting ice held no answers though and he knew, as he had always knows, that he would get no help from anyone and again he felt the all too common stab of pain in his chest where his heart had previously resided. "Hold on Danny" he muttered into the glass wondering if he had taken the first step into the insanity that was now his world.
He pondered his decision and not for the first time this evening did he wonder if he was making the right decision in leaving. He had no regrets for sacrificing his life for Michelle and Pilar but he had reservations of whether the woman he used to call mother would keep her end. He would have to keep tabs on her regularly and if he saw she wasn't adhering to her part, then there would be hell to pay. After all Carmen Santos had no qualms about her only son sacrificing his one chance at happiness with the only woman he had or ever will love just so she could get what she wanted. He was tempted to go back on their little arrangement himself, but he wanted Michelle to get the kind of life she deserved and not be tainted by the dirt that comes along with his.
The hell of it was he wanted to be different. He was so much like his father, who had for years tried to legitimize the family business he had inherited until rival families learned of his weakness and ambushed him for it. He still recalled his fathers dying words to him and tears stung the backs of his eyes and he struggled to keep them contained for now. He would cry a river when he got to California but he had to keep himself in check for now.
His father was the only person he had ever truly loved until he met Michelle.. Oh, he supposed he felt love/duty to the rest of his family but he couldn't compare it to what he felt for his papa. He remembered the walks they would take and the hopes and dreams they would share together. Mick never went on these walks and Danny always suspected that his dear papa knew that Mick would end up living a lonely, unfulfilled life and die a lonely, violent death.. Mick was just like Carmen. Always ready for the next kill. He didn't care about the people who got hurt or what he had to do to get what he wanted and Danny knew that Mick enjoyed every second of it. Mick and Carmen were cut from the same cloth. Pilar was a different story however, although she was shuffled off to school even before she could talk good and Danny had missed out on all of her life too.
The door jingled signaling that someone was entering the club and not being able to help himself, jerked his neck back to see if it was Michelle. He half hoped it was and he half hoped it wasn't. Just one more glimpse of that angel face could help him get through the scores of lonely nights that awaited him in California. His heart fell to his stomach when he saw that it wasn't Michelle and he chided himself for being such an idiot. "She's not coming" he whispered and went back to his morbid thoughts.
He was about to finally take the first drink of the scotch he had ordered over an hour ago, when the hair on the back of his neck stood up. He looked behind him and he saw him. Jesse. Jesse Blue, Michelle's first lover. He grimaced when he remembered all the times she couldn't be with him because of her loyalty to Jesse and how did Jesse repay her? He was sleeping with Drew one week after he and Michelle decided to call it quits. Danny winced when he remembered his own ill fated night with Drew and he may be a lot of things, but he wasn't a hypocrite. The truth was he hadn't wanted Drew, hadn't enjoyed their fling, and if Michelle ever found out it would be just one more reason for her to hate him.
"She didn't look like she hated you earlier" the tiny voice that he seldom allowed to surface reminded him. "She looked like her world was crashing down around her" it continued. He dared not listen to it however because he had nothing to offer her. The future Dr. Bauer didn't need any unpleasant reminders of her brief marriage to Springfield's answer to the godfather. Wrong lifetime she has said. Boy did she hit the nail on the head.
His thoughts went back to Jesse. What was he doing here? Was he waiting to meet Michelle? He didn't deserve Michelle any more than he did but Danny knew that Jesse couldn't possibly love Michelle more than he did. No one could ever love Michelle the was that Daniel Santos did.
He had never had any problem with women and he usually preferred them tall, dark with long legs and silent mouths. He stayed with them until he grew tired which he eventually did with them all, and then went his own way. They never complained. They were given a very expensive token which they greedily took and they got out of the relationship what they wanted. They got a thrill being with a mobster. Sometimes that alone was the attraction they found in Danny but he didn't care. As long as they came when he called and left when he was done.
He had had nothing but problems ever since he first laid eyes on Michelle Bauer. He remembers how his heart turned over the first time he saw her. She was not his type at all, too young, too sassy and she invaded his dreams every night until he woke up sweating. She was his exact opposite, good to his bad, caring to his complacency and light to his dark. There was no way in hell she would ever see anything in a thug like him but he couldn't help himself. He had been smitten from the first and each time he saw her it only got stronger. The day of their wedding, staged or not, was the happiest day of his life. They had never consummated that ill fated marriage, but they were the happiest times of his life and he would feed off those memories for the rest of his miserable life. It wasn't much of a life anymore anyway. For all intents and purposes , he was dead anyway, Oh it might be years before his heart ceased beating, but his spirit and his capability to feel were dead. He almost envied Mick the peace he had now.
He looked at his Rolex and realized his was down to an hour before he was to depart for the airport. Could he really do it? Could he really walk away from the only good thing in his life? She didn't love him but something was there tonight.
Why was he so adamant on getting out of town tonight. The look on her face when he told her he was leaving was puzzling. She looked sad, maybe resigned. Did he really see it or was it just wishful thinking??? When she gave him her wedding ring he thought he was going to lose it right there and then but he managed in= true Santos fashion to hide his true feelings and brush it off like he didn't care. How had she felt when he acted like that? Did she read his true thoughts. Could she feel his love????
The little voice was back and it was urging him to cancel his flight. HE had to honor this bargain. Michelle and Pilar deserved to be free of Carmen and he would do it no matter what. But why can't you just see her one more time?? the voice insisted. He was tempted to postpone his trip until the morning but even if he did, he didn't know where Michelle was and he didn't know if she would even want to see him. He had put her through so much, could he chance it???? No, the plans would stay the way they were.
A grating laugh cut through his thoughts and he turned to see Drew twirling in Jesse's arms to some silly music on the juke box. He looked at Jesse who was grinning from ear to ear. He bent down and kissed Drew and Danny wanted to get up and punch his sorry lights out. He could care less what Jesse and Drew did but Jesse had said he loved Michelle and was with Drew now. Love, what was love anyway??? Every thing he felt that went along with "love" stunk. He drank too much to forget, he cried in his sleep and he bit everyone's head off. This love stuff was not for him. NO sir, Danny Santos was an island. To thine own self be true and to hell with everyone else, he added. Take that Shakespeare.
He was getting stiff from sitting at the bar and decided to go out and get some air. He didn't know where he was headed but he had to get away from this place. Too many memories. He shouldn't have come in the first place. Glutton for punishment I guess. Jesse and Drew eyed him as he was headed for the door. Jesse had a concerned look on his face but Danny knew he wouldn't dare talk to him while he was in this mood.
He started driving not really knowing where he would end up while being mindful of the time. If he didn't get on the plane tonight, he may never leave. He ended up on the beach where it all started. His mind drifted back to that fateful night when he made the decision that would change his life forever. The night he decided to trade his life for Michelle's. He knew his mother would demand blood and he knew the chance he was taking by bringing her into the family but he was powerless to stop himself. One look at the little waif with eyes too big for her face and he knew he had found the only thing he would ever want again. She was so stubborn, fighting him each step of the way, but he loved her spirit and her sass had both excited and exasperated him. He sat on the sand not caring that he was ruining his $400 pants. He let the waves come up to him and drench him.
He wanted the waves to purify his tormented soul and he let wave after wave attempt to wash away his misery. The clouds danced around the moon and Danny felt the sudden urge to scream at the world. Scream until his throat ached and his soul was purged. Instead Danny began to walk. Shoes in hand, and walking in wet pants he knew where he would end up, had known really since he left Millennium. The Lighthouse. He could say goodbye to Michelle's ghost at the lighthouse and exorcise his own demons in the process. Each step he took brought him closer to the lighthouse and his destiny. His decision to leave was etched in stone now and he made his way to the one place where he could truly say goodbye to Michelle forever.
God, he wanted to die.
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