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The little church was full making it seem like there were more people here than there actually was. It seemed all of Springfield had come out for the christening of the newest member of the Spaulding family. The first, long awaited Spaulding grandson. Philip stood tall and proud as he stood beside his wife as Ray Santos said a prayer over their newborn son. Each person attending bowed their head as Ray asked God to put his hand on this family that was seeking his guidance for their son.
Beth Raines sat in the back of the church wondering why she had accepted the invitation to witness this special event. She knew it would appear conspicuous if she had not attended and Lizzie had wanted to come and see her little brother get christened.
Lizzie had fallen in love with him the moment he was born and Beth was somewhat relieved. She had been trying to give Lizzie special attention these last few weeks and Philip had also made an extra effort to be there for Lizzie but she knew that her daughter still felt a little insecure about her daddy getting a new baby boy. Lizzie had been upset to discover that the new baby would get to live with her daddy all the time and it was very confusing for her. Lizzie was afraid that she wouldn't be special to her dad anymore now that he had a new son and Beth had tried everything she knew to convince her otherwise, but what did she know? She had had such a traumatic childhood herself that she never really came to terms with and now she was finding it difficult to be the mother that Lizzie needed her to be.
She tried to be the kind of mother Lizzie needed but to tell the truth she just didn't know how. Lillian had tried to protect her when she had been growing up but it still wasn't enough to keep her from being attacked by her stepfather Bradley. Those kinds of scars took years to heal and she never was able to get the kind of help she needed.
Philip had been her savior. He had slain all her dragons and had rescued her from the evil stepfather. She had fallen in love with him the minute he had entered her hospital room to see his then girlfriend Mindy Lewis. She had been beaten yet again by Bradley and once again Lillian had not been there to stop him. She had been ashamed at her secret and had tried to avoid Philip even going so far as to go with Rick to the prom so she wouldn't have her feelings for Philip exposed. She never had had any self-confidence and if Philip had found out how she felt, she would have died of mortification since fate was always trying to pick a fight with Beth Raines.
But fate must have overslept that night though because they had been crowned king and queen of the prom and had fallen in love during one truly magical dance. Beth had thought all of her demons were behind her that she was experiencing true love, the love to last for all time, or so she had so naively thought.
Bradley had raped her shortly after that and she had run. Mindy had also become pregnant with Philip's child during that time and he had broken her heart and married her.
It was the first time he had broken her heart but it wouldn't be the last. They had been through so much in the last 15 years that she could hardly believe that she had survived it. Not without her share of battle scars though and she tried to keep them inside where they wouldn't show. No one had ever really been interested enough in her to try and heal those scars so they had remained unhealed and the scar tissue around her heart had only grown thicker.
She knew that she made horrendous choices in men. If they were either married or insane, chances were she would be attracted to them. Lately the choices she had been making weren't much better. Had she learned nothing from all those bad experiences? Ben Warren wasn't right for her; she had known that right away. Matt Reardon was unavailable no matter how much she had wanted to be with him and now she had ended up with Jim LeMay.
Jim seemed to be the kind of man she could really fall for. A man who was not attached to someone else and who was not a certifiable maniac.
She was so confused by her feelings for Jim. She had been intimate with him but she just didn't feel that special something that she had felt with Philip. Was she doomed to spend the rest of her dreary existence longing after Philip? Why hadn't he had that same problems finding someone as she did? Why didn't he long for her the way she longed for him?
She was doing it again. She was associating all of her self worth with being with Philip. She had yet to realize that she was special and could be loved for the beautiful, dynamic woman that she was.
The priest was getting ready to dismiss everyone into the fellowship hall for the reception that was going to follow the christening, when he looked right at her. Right into her eyes, right into her soul.
She was shaken to the core. Her skin tingled in such a way that it felt like it had been turned inside out. Who was this man anyway? She closed her eyes and thought for a minute.
He was Danny Santos's cousin, Jay something. No, that wasn't it. It was Ray. Ray Santos, now she remembered. She had heard Lillian speak of him. He was also the chaplain at Cedars and Lillian had spoken with him on more than one occasion.
She lowered her head and as if in prayer. She was extremely ashamed of herself at having such a reaction to a man of God. Great, she thought, now she was lusting after a priest? Could she go any lower than that?
She raised her head again and saw that the ceremony was over. The priest, Ray, was now talking to some of the guests and not once did he look over at her again. She must have imagined that look. There was just no other plausible explanation.
She stood up, straightened her back and began to walk over to the happy couple and their new addition. She would walk with the style and grace of a lady who was sure of herself and would exude confidence with each step, and only she would know what a shell the woman inside was.
Only she would know that the person inside that shell was in danger of completely withdrawing totally and never coming out. Only she knew that if someone didn't see how much trouble she was in emotionally that the woman formally known as Beth Spaulding would retreat into a place where the people you loved didn't abuse you and the love of your love didn't fall out of love with you and marry someone else. It was her secret however and she would wake each day and fight these demons until the day came when the abyss on the other side simply looked too inviting and she welcomed the insanity that lay just beyond her fragile grasp of reality.
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