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Sleep wouldn't come for Philip Spaulding, not that he thought for a minute it would. It was going to be a great detriment to him since he was going to have to ride hard all day tomorrow and if he could just close his eyes for a moment and keep them closed, he felt sure he could get a few hours sleep.
He reached in his bag and pulled out his timepiece and looked at it. The glow from the fire brought enough illumination to read the time and he was astonished to discover that only two hours had elapsed since Beth had finally fallen asleep.
He had sat on the hard ground and watched her sleep for two hours which felt more like ten. The fire would be waning down to embers soon and he wouldn't be able to watch her as openly and candidly as he was doing now.
She looked as peaceful as an angel while she slept and she was showing no outward signs in her sleep that she had recently been in captivity. He knew from the marks on her face that she had been abused in some way but she had fallen asleep so quickly after she had eaten that he hadn't had a chance to examine the rest of her.
The truth was, he was afraid of what he would find out. To examine the rest of her injuries would mean that she would have to disrobe and he wasn't sure if he was up to seeing her that way just yet. He was still struggling with the onset of raw emotions that had descended upon him since seeing her in the tent.
He had had to disrobe the other women captives that he had ransomed and check for injuries and it had never affected him other than to fill him with sorrow at what the poor woman had been made to endure, but he knew that seeing Beth like that would stir and resurrect emotions in him that were best left buried.
He had briefly mentioned to her last night after she handed him back the dinner pan that she should use the stream nearby to bathe but she had shook her head violently so he had let it go. Evidently she either didn't want to think about what had happened to her in that camp or the thought of taking a bath with him nearby unsettled her as much as it did him.
He had been taken aback somewhat at her refusal to bathe since he felt sure that she would want to wash off the traildust and God only knew what else. He hadn't pushed her but he needed to approach her in the morning and get her to allow him to check for any further injuries.
He needed to bathe himself though and he had been putting it off by watching her this long. He hesitated to leave her side even for an instant but he knew he should go and get it over with and then he could be back and try and get some much needed sleep.
He walked over to the bedroll that she was sound asleep in and leaned in close to check her breathing. It was even and steady. She was deeply in the throes of sleep and now was the best opportunity for him to get to the stream and bathe.
He went to his saddlebag and got out the lye soap that he usually got from a widow lady in Oklahoma City. He did odd jobs for her whenever he was by her spread and she usually settled her debt with soap and a pie.
He looked up at the cloudless sky and admired the stars. There was nothing more beautiful on God's earth as an evening under a sky full of stars. It had been a night and crisp and clear as this one when he had asked Beth Raines to spend her life with him.
It had been happy for a while but her inability to adjust to his livelihood was too much for them to overcome and the day he had come home and found her gone was the day that he knew he was supposed to spend his life in an isolated fashion and he had resigned himself to that fact.
He followed the path of light provided by the moon to the stream. He quickly undressed and stepped into the cool, refreshing water. He brought his shirt in with him and gave it a quick wash with the soap, then hung it on a branch to dry overnight. He hopped back in the water, being careful not to make too many splashing sounds and awakening Beth.
At the thought of his ex wife, he turned his head to see if her body had changed position while he had been gone. He was relieved to see that it hadn't and went about his hasty bathing ritual.
He stepped out of the water when he was finished and let the cool air dry his heated skin. His skin had felt as if it were on fire ever since he had discovered Beth in the camp of the Commanches. If he were truthful, he would admit that his skin had been on fire ever since he first laid eyes on Beth and knew that he had to make her his even though he knew that he was being extremely selfish bringing her into his solitary world.
He was of the opinion that his skin would be on fire until he took his last breath on this earth and even then, his thoughts were surely to be of Beth and their time together.
He knew what she did for a living now and even though he chose never to think about that, it didn't make him love her any less. He just hoped he could conceal that love from her during the next few days that they had been thrown together. He decided that it was going to be the hardest thing he had ever had to do, even harder than keeping himself from going after her when he had found that she had left him.
He slipped back on his pants and quietly stepped walked back to their camp. There was still no movement from Beth and he was relieved to find that the cool bath had soothed his aching muscles and had let the exhaustion that he had been feeling set in.
He found an area that had soft grass and laid down and prepared to go to sleep. He laid on his back, never on his side or stomach, so his hearing and reflexes would be keener. He was a very light sleeper and could hear someone approaching from several hundred feet away.
Soon, the tiredness he had been fighting off set in and he was lulled asleep by the sound of the frogs by the stream and the lone howl of a distant coyote. Phillip's last coherent thought was of sorrow and a feeling of kinship with the coyote who was calling out for his mate in loneliness and despair.
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Philip was awakened by a sound that he hadn't heard in years. It was a sound of sadness and a sound of fear. Beth was making those sounds now as she had when they had been married.
He jumped up and was at her side in an instant. She looked as frightened as she had the previous afternoon when he had rescued her. Without giving thought to the damage he would do to his emotions, he took her in his arms and soothed her.
She went into his arms willingly and wept. He held her while she cried her tears of fear and relief. She was still enclosed in the bedroll but he held her as close to him as he could.
She felt so good in his embrace. Too damn good. HE was going to pay for this later, once he had safely transported her back home. It was going to be a long time before he would be able to lie down at night to sleep and not see her face painted on the backs of his eyelids.
She was holding on to him for dear life. He would have to pry her off of him if he chose to break the embrace, she was clinging to him that closely. He had no desire to break the embrace however and for the next few minutes, he closed his eyes and remembered what it was like to have her in his arms each night.
The nights he had been home that was. The embrace they were locked in would not change the fact that they weren't ever going to be together and his job was the reason why.
Ever so gently, he dislodged her arms from around his neck. Her look of panic was still locked on her face and he quickly shushed her with soft words of reassurance.
She was shaking as she had been when he had first set her atop Scout and he was now afraid she would go into shock. He had to calm her. She appeared to be in a dreamlike state and slowly she began to come out of it.
"Philip?" she said softly, so softly that Philip wasn't sure if she had said it or if he had imagined it.
"Yes," he answered.
"I'm afraid" she said.
Philip drew her to him again, against all of the sense of self preservation that he had. "I know baby" he cooed into her ear "I know but you are safe now. I am going to take you home".
"Home?" she said. "Where is home?"
Where was home? Oh God, he thought he was going to lose it. Where was home? Those three words were going to haunt him for the rest of his miserable life. He took a deep breath and answered her question, not with the answer his heart longed to give, but the one that he knew was best for both of them.
"Dodge City" he said and there was no disguising the disappointment in Beth's eyes. She nodded her head in agreement but the look of sadness was still etched on her face.
"Dodge City" she repeated and then began to cry. Philip pulled her in even closer and was rewarded by a small yelp of pain from Beth. He quickly loosened his embrace and realized that she was hurt.
"Beth" he said. "Are you hurt?"
She nodded her head but didn't make a sound.
"Can I see?" he said and again she nodded her head in a silent fashion. He tenderly put some space between them and untied the bedroll and pulled it off of her. She helped him by kicking her legs free once he had worked it down to her lower body.
He placed both of his hands on her upper arms and asked if that was where she was hurt and she shook her head in a negative fashion. He began to move his hands around her arms and neck area, each time asking if that was where she was hurt and each time getting a shake of her head as his answer.
Slowly, he placed his hands on the top button of her shirt and unbuttoned it. He touched the top of her chest area near her neck and repeated his earlier question and was given the same answer although this time her voice was a bit more breathy than it was just a few minutes earlier.
The next button was undone, exposing part of her lacy chemise and again he asked her and again she shook her head no. The next button was removed as was the next and soon Beth was only wearing her chemise and skirt and Philip was getting ready to examine the area around her breasts.
He touched one ever so gently and she squealed in pain. The Indian had squeezed her breast so hard that she was sure there was a bruise on it.
Philip froze when he realized that she was signaling to him that her breast was hurt. He would have to uncover it to see what had happened.
He lowered the straps of her chemise down her pale, slender arms. She was bathed in the moonlight and Philip had to remind himself to breathe. Even though her face was swollen and she had tear stained cheeks, Philip thought she was the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen in all of his days.
Soon, her breasts were exposed for his inspection and he spewed out a string of gutter words when he saw the already forming bruise around her right breast. Her perfection was marred by one of the Indians that had her in captivity, and that injury to her breast made him positive that she had been raped.
He began to cry then. Some filthy animal had violated his Beth. She had been made to endure their vile torture and all he could do for her now, was cry.
Beth saw his tears and placed her hands on his face, cupping his cheeks in a tender fashion. Her tears mixed with his and she placed her quivering lips to his.�
It was not a kiss of passion or a kiss of love, but a kiss of healing, for both of them. Philip returned her kiss for a moment and then set her apart from him and resumed his examination.
He examined her left breast and saw that is was unmarked. He placed his hand on it and asked if it hurt and she answered no, through clenched teeth.
Philip took a deep breath and knew he had to finish this. The worst part was yet to come. He was going to have to examine the most private parts of her. He was no stranger to the most intimate places that Beth's body held, but he had never thought they would be close enough again for him to encounter them and certainly not as a physical examination after an Indian attack.
He decided not to prolong the disrobing as he had with her shirt and he pulled her skirt up without removing it. He wanted to let her keep some of her dignity that he felt sure had been stripped from her while in captivity.
He was shocked to the core to see that she was not wearing any undergarments. He had not expected to see her totally exposed to him like that and he had to remember to breathe.
Had the Indians taken them away from her or did she just not wear them now since she took money for use of her body? He wasn't sure which picture he painted in his mind shattered him more.
With a sure, quick hand, he completed his examination of her lower body and after it was over breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn't been raped.
However, they had a new problem on their hands for he was so aroused that all he could think of was easing the ache he had between his legs by surrounding himself with her softness. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she wanted the same thing too.
He didn't know if he believed in God anymore after seeing all the things he had seen, but he prayed to him now. He prayed for the strength to push her away gently and not hurt her feelings but instead found himself pulling her towards him and soon the decision was no longer theirs to make and their bodies took over.
It was over quickly with both of them breathless and fulfilled when it was over. Philip called himself every vile name he could think of and none of them did him justice.
The look of love on Beth's face was undeniable and he hated himself even more, for nothing had changed and he would still deliver her to her home and say good-bye to her. He owed her that much.�
Beth kissed him sweetly on his lips and laid her head on his shoulder and soon was drifting off to sleep. Before she entered the sweet bliss that awaited her, Philip heard her mutter. "It's over" to which he answered "Yes, it's over" knowing that his meaning was very different from hers.�
Damn, he thought, what had he done?