1. What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife? Ans. Great big ones!
2. Who was the world's greatest thief? Ans. Atlas, because he held up the whole world!
3. How was the Roman Empire cut in half? Ans. With a pair of Caesars!
4. What is it that even the most careful person overlooks? Ans. His nose!
5. What do you call an American drawing? Ans. Yankee doodle!
6. What is a volcano?
Ans. A mountain with hiccups!
7. Why was the broom late?
Ans. It over slept!
8. What runs but never walks?
Ans. Water!
9. What is green, four legs and two trunks? Ans. Two seasick tourists!
10. Who is in cowboy films and always broke? Ans. Skint Eastwood!
11. Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Ans. Al Caprawn!
12. What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? Ans. A pecking order!
13. Why did the silly kid stand on his head? Ans. His feet were tired!
14. What does one star say to another star when they meet? Ans. Glad to meteor!
15. How did the farmer fix his jeans? Ans. With a cabbage patch!
16. What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep? Ans.A dinosnore!
17. What is the fruitiest lesson?
Ans. History, because it's full of dates!
18. What language do they speak in Cuba? Ans. Cubic!
19. Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race? Ans. He was asking for directions!
20. How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life? Ans. Tell him a joke when he's a baby!
21. How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon? Ans. Just one if it's long enough!
22. How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Ans. Because it's round!
23. What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon? Ans.The full moon because it's lighter!
24. What town in England makes terrible sandwiches? Ans. Oldham!
25. What would you call theft in Peking? Ans. A Chinese takeaway!
26. What animals are on legal documents? Ans. Seals!
27. Where do tadpoles change?
Ans. In a croakroom!
28. What is Cheddar Gorge?
Ans. A large cheese sandwich!
29. What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea? Ans. It gets wet!
30. Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her? Ans. To feed her nightmare!
31. What city cheats at exams?
Ans. Peking!
32. What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean? Ans. It doesn't eat much!
33. Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA? Ans. Because it has 4 A's and one B!
34. Who invented fire?
Ans. Some bright spark!
35. Why do birds fly south in the winter? Ans. Because it's too far to walk!
36. What is "out of bounds"?
Ans. An exhausted kangaroo!
37. Why is it a wonder watch?
Ans. Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working!
38. How did the telephones get married? Ans. In a double ring ceremony!
39. What is a polygon?
Ans. A dead parrot!
40. Where does success come before work? Ans. In the dictionary!
41. Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? Ans. He had his own frog horn!
42. Where do you get frogs eggs?
Ans. At the spawn shop!
43, What's a toads favorite sweet?
Ans. Lollihops!
44. What do you call a frog spy?
Ans. A croak and dagger agent!
45. How did the toad die?
Ans. He simply croaked!
46. Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? Ans. In the croakroom!
47. What do you say to a hitchhiking frog? Ans. Hop in!
48. What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Ans. Reptiles!
49. What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off? Ans. I'll get you next slime!
50. What was the snail doing on the highway? Ans. About one mile a day!
51. What is the definition of a slug? Ans. A snail with a housing problem!
52. What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall? Ans. How slime flies!
53. How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty? Ans. The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads "clean me"!
54. What do you do when two snails have a fight? Ans. Leave them to slug it out!
55. What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs? Ans. School dinners come on a plate!
56. How do snails get their shells so shiny? Ans. They use snail varnish!
57. Where do you find giant snails?
Ans. At the end of giants fingers!
58. Why is the snail the strongest animal? Ans. Because he carries a house on his back!
59. Why did the spider buy a car?
Ans. So he could take it out for a spin!
60. What does a spider do when he gets angry? Ans. He goes up the wall!
61. What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? Ans. If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!
62. Why are spiders good swimmers?
Ans. They have webbed feet!
63. How do you spot a modern spider? Ans. He doesn't have a web he had a website!
64. What are spiders webs good for?
Ans. Spiders!
65. What kind of doctors are like spiders? Ans. Spin doctors!
66. What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant? Ans. I'm not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses!
67. What did the spider say to the fly? Ans. We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing?
68. What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad? Ans. It became a daddy short legs!
69. What is a spiders favorite TV show? Ans. The newly web game!
70. What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late?
Ans. Your spinning me a yarn here!
71. What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose? Ans. I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it!
72. Why are spiders like tops?
Ans. They are always spinning!
73. What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre? Ans. A spinning wheel!
74. What has 8 legs and likes living in trees? Ans. Four anti road protesters?
75. What did the spider say when he broke his new web? Ans. Darn it!
76. What do you call a big irish spider? Ans. Paddy long legs!
77. What is red and dangerous?
Ans. Strawberry and tarantula jelly!
78. What's green a slimy and found at the North Pole? Ans. A lost frog!
79. What's green and tough?
Ans. A toad with a machine gun!
80. Why didn't the female frog lay eggs? Ans. Because her husband spawned her affections!
81. What do you call a 100 year old frog? Ans. An old croak!
82. What do you get if cross a frog with some mist? Ans. Kermit the Fog!
83. What is a chameleon's motto?
Ans. A change is as good as a rest!
84. What happens if you eat a hot frog? Ans. You'll croak in no time!
85. What do you say if you meet a toad? Ans. Wart's new!
86. What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Ans. Hoppalong Cassidy!
87. Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Ans. Because he was newt to the area!
88. Where do frogs keep their treasure? Ans, In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!
89. Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
Ans. A hot frog!
90. What did the bus conductor ay to the frog? Ans. Hop on!
91. What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Ans. Morse toad!
92. Whats the world weakest animal?
Ans. A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!
93. What kind of pole is short and floppy? Ans. A tadpole!
94. What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? Ans. Lily!
95. What do Scottish toads play?
Ans. Hop-scotch!
96. What do bees do with honey?
Ans. They cell it.
97. Why did the girl want her father to quit his job?
Ans. He was a beetle exterminator.
98. Why do people use Beatles soap?
Ans. To wash away the ringos.
99. What did the beatles say when they saw an avalanche?
Ans. Here come the Rolling Stones.
100. What is a pickle?
Ans. A cucumber in a sour mood.
