We were always told as Mormons that additional ancient scripture would come forth when the Saints were prepared for it, and now that time has come.

Last week, as I was perusing an old Geology text from college, I found a few paragraphs scribbled on the inside back cover. The language was clearly none other than -- you guessed it -- Reformed Egyptian. I dug a seerstone out of the garden, scrubbed it clean, and went to work on translation. And now I will share with you what was revealed; if there are mistakes, blame the rock.

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The Book of Dorkus Dinkumr

Being a record of Corianton's little-known brother, which record was tossed aside by the hand of Mormon to be revealed in the latter days.

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I, Dorkus Dinkumr, having seen the great chastisement that my brother Corianton received at the hand of our father Alma, and having been myself a disobedient and promiscuous son, did flee the land of Zarahemla to escape similar reproach.

And it came to pass that in my haste I did forget to pack lunch. Therefore, growing weary from hunger after a journey of many hours, I lay upon the ground to bitch and moan. As I lay thus, a mighty voice spoke to me as if from Heaven, saying, "Behold, Dorkus, I show unto you a grand secret, yea, even Victoria's Secret."

And suddenly, I stood among many young women of diverse descent, the seed of Cain mingled with the seed of his brethren. Each was clad in minimal attire, enchanting floral prints and fine mesh that obscured their hidden parts from mine eyes (but just barely).

One of these beings approached me, and as she drew near I could discern her full, pursed lips and hair as the night. And she spake unto me thus: "I, Laetitia, am a divine messenger sent unto thee from on high to reveal the will of thy Creator."

So saying, this Laetitia took my hand, leading me into a deep thicket of brush nearby. And the remainder of the vision have I been commanded not to write.

And now, brethren, adieu, which being interpreted means "goodbye" in the language of the messenger Laetitia, this having been revealed to me, among other things, in vision.