AHH. -snip- AHH!!
Zoolander on school
You think you're too cool for school. I got a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite.... You aren't.
J.B. Prewitt on hand models
I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys. We're a different breed.
Zoolander on psychics
So, I became bullimic.
You can read minds?
Zoolander on the black lung
Who's winning the match?
State.
I think I'm getting the black lung Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there. Aee. Aee. Aee.
Damn it Derek, you were down in the mines one day. Talk to me in 30 years.
Pop Zoolander
Why'd you have to come back to this town anyway?
I'm sorry that I was born with this perfect bone structure, and that my hair looks better done up with gel than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted was to make you proud Pop.
With what?! Your male modeling?! Prancing around in your underwear, with your weiner hanging out for everyone to see. You're dead to me boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord that she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Merman. Aee. Aee. MERMAN!!!
Mugatu on Malaysian negotiation
I've negotated my butt off Giorgio. I've tried bribes. I've tried gifts. I even gave him some pet oxen. I mean they love that crap over in Malaysia, but he won't budge.
Zoolander friends on models
Models help people. They make them feel good about themselves.
They also show them how to dress cool and wear their hair in interesting ways.
Hansel on mental illness
Who you trying to get crazy with essay?
Don't you know I'm loco?
Zoolander on wild beasts
Hey Derek, back on top. When are you going to drop Magnum on us buddy?
Gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.
Zoolander on spelling
Uh, Earth to Matilda, I was at a Day Spa. D-A-I-Y-E.
Zoolander on Olympic sports
Derek, what do we do when we fall off the horse?
...
We get back on it!
Sorry Maury I'm not a gymnast.
Zoolander on humor
Derrick, are you worried about Hansel?
Not as much as I'm worried about Gretel. Hey put that 'Hansel and Gretel' line in your article. I want people to know how funny I can be.
Zoolander on modeling
Modeling to me isn't just about being good-looking or having alot of fun and being really really good-looking. The original Greek word "model" means mishapen ball of clay. I try to think about that every time I get in front of a camera.
Zoolander on places to go
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.
Christian Slater on Derek Zoolander
It's almost like there's a light around him. He exudes beauty.
Zoolander on compliments
Look, I think I know what this is about. I am very complimented but not interested. I can't sleep with you, ok? My head is killing me.
What?
Ok, if you just want to fool around a little bit.
Hey! I don't want to sleep with you!
Natalie Portman on Derek Zoolander
He's almost too good-looking. That would be my main deterrent in pursuing a relationship.
Zoolander on rewards
Yesterday I thought about teaching underpriveleged children to learn how to read, and just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience of my life. We can call it the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good.
on licking
Well, I guess you can Dere-lick my balls, capitan.
I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Hansel on abstinence
What's a 'long time?' Like 8 days?
Oh SNAP!
How do you live? How do you live?
Rufus, Meekus, and Brint on life crises
You know what could really help you sort through all of these important issues?
ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!!!!
Zoolander on disguises
They'll be looking for us at Maury's, right? But they won't be looking for... not us.
Tommy Hilfiger on Derek Zoolander
I think about Derek every time I design a collection.
world leaders
Thank you Derek Zoolander, for saving my life.
On behalf of world fashion, you're welcome, Mr. Prime Rib of Propecia.
Zoolander on sensitivity
When I was in 7th grade, I was the fat kid in class.
EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
Zoolander on turning on Macs
Did you try pressing the 'apple' thing?
on consolation
Listen, Matil. I've been thinking alot about that bullimia thing. And I want you to know, I understand where you're coming from. I feel really bad that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself. For serious.
Mugatu on Derek Zoolander
Shut up! Enough already Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway?! The man has only one look for Christ's sake. Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigre? They're the same face. Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it. What have you done, Derek? Nothing! You've done nothing! Nothing! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I have you ruin this for me. Because if you can't get the job done, then I will. Die you wage-hiking scum.
One look? One look?! I don't think so.
Hansel on order
Age before beauty, goatcheese.
Whatever.
J.P. Prewitt on conspiracies
You think Zoolander's in trouble? Think again. What you stumbled upon goes way deeper than you could ever fathom. The fashion industry has been behind every major political assasination over the last 200 years. Behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.
That's impossible.
Oh yeah, listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery right? But who do you think made the powdered wigs and colored leg stockings worn by our country's early leaders?
Mugatu!
Slaves, Derek.
Without their free labor, prices on such items would have gone up tenfold. So the powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth, the orginal model/actor to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban manufactured slacks, an incredibly popular item at the time.
Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model.
You're God damned right he wasn't. But those two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure were.
Well what about you? How do you fit into all this?
Wait a minute. I know that hand. It was in the fall 1973 Bullova watch catalog. You're J.P. Prewitt. The world's greatest hand model.
Once upon a time. Things change. Thanks to this homemade hypobaric chamber my sweet baby never did. Keep moving. And that's when I found out I was in line to assasinate Jimmy Carter.
So how did you manage to escape?
Cause I'm a hand model mama. I'm a finger jockey. We don't think the same way as the face and body boys do. We're a different breed.
So why male models?
Think about it Derek. Male models are genetically constructed to become assasins. They are in peak physical condition. They can gain entry to the most secure places in the world. Most important of all, models don't think for themselves. They do as they're told.
That is not true.
Yes, it is Derek.
Ok.
Think about any photo shoot you've ever been on.
You're a monkey Derek. You're a monkey. Dance monkey in your little spangly shoes. Mash your cymbals, chimpy. Dance Derek Dance.
Good point.
But if this has been going on for so long, Mugatu...
He's just a punk-ass errand boy working for an international syndicate of fashion designers. If you do a little background check on Mr. Mugatu, you'll find that he sold his soul to the devil for a shot at the big time.
But why male models?
You serious? I just told you that a moment ago.
Right.
You're a killing machine Derek. They've programmed you.
But I won't do it. I won't kill anybody.
It's not up to you. At the proper moment, they'll trigger you, usually using some kind of auditory or visual Pavlovian response mechanism.
Auto-whatty?
And when it's over...
What? There's an after party?
Tyson Beckford on maturation
Yo Derek, you're not a kid anymore. You could hurt yourself out there.
I can do this Tyson.
Lenny Kravitz on male models
Now to the important stuff. These ain't no slashes folks. These are the pure breeds. Here are your nominees for Male Model of the Year.
Zoolander on reality
Do you want to know about the real world of male modeling? Not just what's in magazines and on the E channel?
Donald Trump on Derek Zoolander
Look, without Derek Zoolander, male modeling wouldn't be what it is today.
On preparation
Magnum, that sounds intriguing. Can I see that?
Are you kidding? I shouldn't even be talking about it. It's nowhere near ready.
Zoolander on listening to the counsel of friends
Derrick, I heard some crazy stories about this kid. He's loose. He's limber.
Put a cork in it, [Billy] Zane!
Zoolander on tactfully excusing oneself
Look, I have to go pee right now, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I get back.
Zoolander on deep thought
Who am I? I don't know. I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.
Zoolander on staying focused
Derek, you just saved the Prime Minister's life!
Can you believe it? I turned left!
on legacies
In the past 3 years, male modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and 5 syllables. Der-ek Zoo-lan-der.
on the state of the world
Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investi-gatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investi-gatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?
Fabio on the 'slash' award
Yes! Yes! I can't tell you how much this means to me to be the first recipient of this beautiful award. With this 'slash' award, it means that you consider me the best actor/model, and not the other way around.
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