Never was much to look at
A little less to know
My ideals, high ideals
I guess but even so
Failed ambitions, daydreams,
Ideals I’ll never know
My life doesn’t define me
Know what I mean?
My life doesn’t define me
It’s my dreams
Not so secret dreams
Guess I’m not what I seem
The best of life for me so far
Is my not so secret dreams
Oh Lord,
Please hide me
From my enemies
Where have I left to go?
My old enemies
Are gone I know
None left,
Save the ones inside
Oh Lord, where else
Could I turn to hide?
Not so secret dreams
Guess I’m not what I seem
The best of life for me so far
Is my not so secret dreams
Pieces of pain that
Connect me to some loss
Something I had before I came
Something I lost when I came
Something I lost on the way
Did I know you before?
Like I couldn’t here
Did you know the me
I can’t explain
Was that what I left?
Was that the source of my pain?
Could I take it this time
What I last left behind?
Could I take it with me,
Could I take it if I
Gathered all the pain?
Rejection, my old friend
You bastard, where you been?
Yell fire, I know the drill
Yell fire, get wood
This was only a drill, only a test
Were you ready?
Did you die?
Be ready now
He comes like a thief in the night
Rejection, my old friend
You bastard, where you been?
Yell fire, I know the drill
Yell fire, get wood
Rejection, my old friend
You bastard, where you been?
Yell fire, I know the drill and feel the pain
Yell fire, I know the drill and feel the pain
Yell fire, I know the drill and feel the pain
Do you still have
That picture I drew of you?
Long ago
I knew you wished
It was drawn by someone else
What right do I have
Expect you to cry for me?
I never had anything at all
That was mine to lose
What you never saw
Were the words on the other side
Covered up
Maybe then you’d seen
Just a boy who was lost
I never paid my own way
Never earned these blues
A fool feeling sorry
For himself ain’t news
What right do I have
Expect you to cry for me?
I never had anything at all
That was mine to lose
I want to tell you
How bad I am
But I don’t want you
To believe
My evil
Knows no bounds
Except for your love
Which in turn
Knows no bounds at all
Just like Satan, I was a liar
And a thief
From the beginning
Yeah, you’re better than I’ll ever be
Everyone’s better than I’ve ever been
A bright and beautiful little boy
In a convenience store
His mom called, “Dean let’s go”
So it’s not the name, I know
How far back do I have to go
To find where it all went wrong?
My heart, my soul, my mind
How far back in time?
Once I dreamed, someday I’d be pure
Flashing across the sky like a star
But now, I’m ugly again
And all that’s left of the dream is a scar
Just like Satan, I was a liar
And a thief from the beginning
Yeah, you’re better than I’ll ever be
Everyone’s better than I’ve ever been
Once I dreamed, someday I’d be pure
Flashing across the sky like a star
But now, I’m ugly again
And all that’s left of the dream is a scar
Anna, my secret sister
Close beside me
When I got no friends
You say, you accept me
And you love me
Till the end
I… don’t deserve to eat
Don’t deserve to sleep
Don’t deserve to be here
Anna, secret sister
Close beside me
When I got no friends
You say, you accept me
And you love me
Till the end
I… take up too much space
Can’t you see my face
My soul I’d erase
I… don’t deserve to eat
Don’t deserve to sleep
Don’t deserve to be here
Anna, my secret sister
Close beside me
When I got no friends
You say, you accept me
And you love me
Till the end
I… don’t deserve to live
Got nothing to give
Let me disappear
I… don’t deserve to eat
Don’t deserve to sleep
Please, let me disappear
Anna, secret sister
Close beside me
When I got no friends
You say, you accept me
And you love me
Till the end
Anna, secret sister
Close beside me
When I got no friends
You say, you accept me
And you love me
Till the end
Well, the scars will never heal
But that’s okay
Cause I pick them still
Look down and see them bleed
The only way I know
To bring him back
Somewhere down inside
Fifteen
I’d sit up in my room all day
It was just me alone
With the Beatles records I’d play
Fifteen
I’d sit up in my room all day
It was such a lonely time
But not a time I would trade
There’re lonely boys
And there always will
They were lonely then
And they’re lonely still
But they couldn’t be much
Lonelier than me
Fifteen
I’d sit up in my room all day
It was just me alone
Along with the Beatles I’d play
Fifteen
I’d sit up in my room all day
Fifteen
I’d sit up in my room all day
It’s bad enough the times I leave my body
But damned are the times I leave my head
Time just marches on its course without me
Only leaving me with regrets and dread
Constant careless feeding of the bad wolf
A pointless idle chasing of some wind
Doesn’t seem the one I had started chasing
Did I get confused when I got round the bend?
Searching eyes for something only I’d know
As if they could know who I was way back when
Thinking I could catch up to the shadow
Of the past by running backward now and then
I can live with the times I’ve been two times wrong
But damned are the times I know I’ll never belong
I can accept there are people I could never be
But damned are the times when I wasn’t me
A wheel inside a wheel, I feel I’m moving
Against the grain of all the others here
Looking at them speed ahead just makes me dizzy
Cause I should be somewhere else I fear
Certainly I’m speeding now across them
Only in this way I feel alive
But could it be I’m just standing still
Or following so slow I’m far behind
If at all they should even see me
Only see them selves reflected in my eyes
And my fear they’ll see everything I’m lacking
If I look away they won’t catch me in my lies
I can live with the many times I’m wrong
But damned are the times I know I’ll never belong
I can accept there are people I could never be
But damned are the times when I wasn’t me
I can’t say why you’d come to me for answers
Although I’ll gladly tell you what I’ve learned
It’s not a race I’m equipped for winning
It’s not a matter of admitting how I’ve yearned
I lie awake and listen not quite hard enough
To try and hear the fading echoes pass
From some melody slipping from my memory
As if I hearing it could bring me home at last
So I try and bring about a past that never was
Does this explain the cloud inside my head?
How others do the things that they decide to
While I float through my days asleep instead?
I can live with the many times I’m wrong
But damned are the times I’ll never belong
Accept that there are people I could never be
But damned are the times when I can’t be me
I can live with the times I’ve been two times wrong
But damned are the times when I’ll never belong
I can accept there are people I could never be
But damned are the times when I wasn’t me
I went deep into the woods,
Beyond the dappled light
Beneath the shadows of the oaks,
Alone and out of sight
In the scattered sun I picked
Flowers for your hair
On the clearings edge within,
Between my heart and there
I’m trapped and I’m lost
And you still hold the key
Even after these years
Only you could set me free
After all these years
Still I drown in the deep brown sorrow
Lost in the mist of your eyes
Wide muddy waters
Wildflower meadows
Under uncertain skies
Long ago I came, a child
Put my faith in your hands
Killed the fragile
And freed the wild
When you said I wasn’t part of your plans
You’ll never know the buried life
You didn’t know you buried me
You never knew you raised the knife
Or how long you carried me
Sing me your love
The starling’s dependence
Forlorn fragile freedom
And wildflower pendants
Tell me your stories
Of where we were born
And you as a child
On a shadowy morn
I’m trapped and I’m lost
And you still hold the key
Even after these years
Only you could set me free
After all these years
I went deep into the woods,
Beyond the dappled light
Beneath the shadows of the oaks,
Alone and out of sight
In the scattered sun I picked
Flowers for your hair
On the clearings edge within,
Between my heart and there
Still I drown in the deep brown sorrow
Lost in the mist of your eyes
Wide muddy waters
Wildflower meadows
Under uncertain skies
Long ago I came, a child
Put my faith in your hands
Killed the fragile
And freed the wild
When you said I wasn’t part of your plans
So much my life
Has been in stress
I agreed but under duress
Now you see me, tell me
I am regressing
Do you not know me yet?
Why do you find it depressing?
There are two people inside my mind
I thought there only was one
One is deceitful, the other one kind
I never understood
Who is this stranger that comes alone,
Ravaging my goodness and grace
I thought he went by Will
But his name is desire
I see it all over his face
Desire
A fire
We consume
And by which we are consumed
Some days my soul
Sees not the Son shine
Through the endless gray
But your eyes burn through
And your smile it warms me
Like the sun my back and my face
On a bitter day
And a nameless joy always follows
There are two people inside my head
I thought there only was one
One is deceitful, the other one kind
I never understood
Who is this stranger that comes alone,
Ravaging goodness and grace
I thought he went by Will
But his name is Desire
I see it all over his face
Desire
A fire
We consume
And by which we are consumed
It must be a dream
In my mind, we’re growing older
I see your smile, your eyes,
To me you’re twenty-four
And each day I’m awake
Is a day I love you more
It seems the years,
I’ve passed asleep
Dropping leaves
Like nothing follows fall
A cool and gentle autumn
Breeze through the screen
A childhood dream,
It would never end
In the spring it seemed we’d live for ever
By the fall, we could feel the chill
In the grass, a child alone, I’d loved you
No matter where we go, I always will
How could it be, we all die alone?
They say only the good,
They die young
So why would I fear my own death?
Jesus, he don’t want me
At least he doesn’t yet
I pray one day,
My little angels,
You’ll see just how small I really am
That day you’ll see your souls
Stretching to your maker
Casting comforting shadows on my eyes
In the spring it seems we’ll live for ever
But by the fall, we can feel the chill
In the grass alone my child I loved you
No matter where you go, I always will
It must be a dream
In my mind we’re growing old…
A sense of place, a cross by the road
One year it’s gone, then the road
A feeling of belonging, the guilt of wrongs
A personal history
In the end, it’s only words and longing
It’s just the vapor that holds us down
Don’t let it keep you from your God
Look up
Father, it is in my Christ I come
You are all the power and the good
You love me and deny me no good thing
You see me as I will one day be
A sense of time, the things you didn't say
What if God erased a line?
You bleed the love that you hold in
Under all that weight
In the end, it’s only words and music
And it’s lack of love that holds us down
Don’t let it keep you from God
Let it go
Father, it is in my Christ I come
You are all the power and the good
You love me and deny me no good thing
You see me as I will one day be
A sense of place, a cross waits there for you
A star arrives, but for a while
A false sense of belonging to your wrongs
The things you didn’t know
I went deep into the woods,
Beyond the dappled light
Beneath the shadows of the oaks,
Alone and out of sight
In the scattered sun I picked
Flowers for your hair
On the clearings edge within,
Between my heart and there
Now I’m just growing old
And know you can’t change your soul
So far from how I would be
But Jesus still walks my heart
And I hear from the darkest part
I’ll make you a lion like me