What’s that?
What’s that sound?
Why do I hear a siren
When it’s not even raining outside?
There is no fire in my house
And no one is stirring at all
It comes to me to know
That this is not a test
Is this the moment? You have been waiting…
Have I been waiting all my life?
Take what you can
All you can carry
I scurry around
Gathering, grabbing
Picking up pieces of pain
Rejection, my old friend
You bastard, where you been?
Yell fire, I know the drill
Yell fire, get wood
Your brain is your home
But temporary
You only stay here so long
That was part of the deal
You can’t take it all with you
The furniture and furnishings
The trappings and the traps
The detritus of a lifetime
You can only take a little
Only carry out so much
God, would you want to take it all?
So hard to get rid of
Anything at all
While you still live in here
So, this is the opportunity
Or is this just another madness
Am I really leaving this time?
I scramble and I scurry
Is it what I chose to take
Or in what I leave behind?
This is the chance of a lifetime
Here after everything
Desperately searching for pain
Rejection, my old friend
You bastard, where you been?
Yell fire, I know the drill
Yell fire, get wood
Rejection, my old friend
You bastard, where you been?
Yell fire, I know the drill
And feel the pain
I run around spinning
Pockets filled with gold
All the weight of a lifetime
Loaded with ingots of pain
Isn’t there something
More valuable
On which we all would agree
“That’s a good thing
I would take it
That’s what I’d take were it me”
My courage, my integrity
Some hard-earned knowledge
Or some wisdom
Some love, some joy
Anything but pieces of pain
Rejection, my old friend
You bastard, where you been?
Yell fire, I know the drill
Yell fire, get wood
When I was in school
You picked on me
And made me feel so bad
Now all your kids
Are picking on my kids
And I can’t live with that
I used to think
It was my fault
All that hell back then
But now all your kids
Are picking on my angels
And I know that’s a sin
It isn’t your fault
I made you this way
God has a plan for you
And different is okay
I used to think
I deserved what I got
But it lasted so long
Now all your brats
Are picking on my kids
And I know something’s wrong
When I was in school
You picked on me
And made me feel so bad
Now all your kids
Are picking on my kids
And I can’t live with that
It wasn’t your fault
Says the Lord your God
It wasn’t your fault
I made you like that
If you were to cut me open
Black sludge would ooze out
Stress and bile
Liquid, vile
Radioactive waste
Petrochemical poisons
Corpses and sewage
And more goes in every day
When I get too full
It spews out
On those around me
Mostly on those I love
It spews out every day
Some days a steady trickle
Other days a geyser
Pressure
I buckle and despair
God, I want to breathe in
Fresh air
Mostly sometimes
I would like to die
Mostly to be free
Lazy one more time
But in that final act
I’d explode
Covering all I love in blackness
Trying to unlearn
The lessons of a lifetime
Trying to give back
The stuff that I took in
Undo all the messes
I made up till now
Out across an open field
Distance, a lake of green revealed
A brick and ivy wall
Closeness found an opening
A door upon the past
Inside there a graveyard
Eternity so vast
And in an unmarked grave I dug
For I just had to know
Kneeling down I dug so slow
And at last I came upon
The creature interred below
Disembodied I behold
I thought about my thinking
And certain I was mad
Beheld my heart
And it still beating
I wondered good or bad
Here I am again
Your unfaithful servant
Here I am again
Disloyal friend
Here I am again
Disloyal servant
Here I am again
Disloyal friend
Here I am again
Oh my God
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Oh my God
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Good and faithful
Servant I ain’t
Why do you love me?
I’m writing the song of my new life
I’m picturing the way it should be
I can see it so clear in my mind
I’m holding on to the fact
That I’m the biggest loser who lived
I’m still holding on
But not with my life
I’m telling you I’m the outsider
The one who never fit in
Even the other outsiders
Saw me losing to win
Now I’m the one the others are watching
Dancing on the outskirts of town
I’m living, I’m loving, I’m crying, I’m thanking Jesus
For bringing me down
And I hear that same old voice inside but it’s different
now
I hear it clear as a bell
Be free now, be free
I could never picture myself
Comfortable in my own skin
I could talk it but never see me
Outside the rut I lived in
But now I see it like I see
The way that I’ve always been
My kids are not bound by the things of my past
I'm not sinning that warm fuzzy sin
I’m loving my wife out loud
I’m laughing the kids round the yard
I’m the person that I should be
I’m living out loud and I’m free
We’re talking and we’re sharing
My kids can see in my blind spot
I’m kissing my wife before I leave home
We’re living out loud and we’re free
And I hear that same old voice inside but it’s different
now
I hear it clear as a bell
Live out loud and be free
I’m not just a crab in a bucket
Pulling the rogue one back in
Hating his love of freedom
Dragging us all to our deaths
Let go, child, and be free
They’re all behind you
I cannot hear them now
I’m not waiting for some circumstance
Something so obvious
I’m doing it now
And I can feel heaven move
The beggar threw away his cloak
Before he received his sight
Before Jesus even asked what he wanted
He wanted to be free
I hear that same old voice inside but it’s different now
I hear it clear as a bell
Break out of your shell and be free
I hear that same old voice inside but it’s different now
I hear it clear as a bell
Burn bright and be free
There’s just something about
My memories of us as kids
No specific things
That we said or did
How long you stayed with me
Or even why you did
Kind of strong I know
But that’s just me
Had two dreams about you
They were both the same
We didn’t say a word
And no one said your name
We were both older and
I can’t recall your face
But I knew you
And I felt warm for days
This has to be hard to understand
Gotta finally tell you
After all this time
All those years you never knew
That you were on my mind
Hadn’t seen or talked to you
Through summer into fall
We were only small most of that time
It was spring when I left you there
But for a while
Those dreams kept me alive
How do I make you realize?
It’s like I need to get back
To when I just started out
Need to reconcile myself
With the boy that I was then
Back when you made however
I was seem okay
I never felt acceptable again
And that held me a lot of years ago
Gotta find the words
That you might understand
All the years I waited for
You to hold my hand
Gotta finally tell you
After all this time
All those years you never knew
That you were on my mind
You have a bright and sharing
Spirit shining through
I see it in my pictures
And memories of you
All of us, in the end
Maybe we will see
All that seemed out of place
Make sense eventually
And the best parts of our spirit will shine through
Know that song “Kodachrome”?
It’s like that for me too
Strange to think of someone
Who meant a lot to you
That you’d never see
Or hear from them again
Could it be
I won’t see you again?
Would you miss me if you thought of it that way?
Gotta finally tell you
After all this time
All those years you never knew
That you were on my mind
Gotta find the words
That you might understand
All the years I waited for
You to hold my hand
Gotta finally tell you
After all this time
All those years you never knew
That you were on my mind
I guess maybe
You were right all along
And I can’t change my soul
Just by singing this song
You pegged me
For a creep back then
And nothing has changed
To make you see me again
I thought maybe
You’d see I was cool
But all you could see
Was the same old fool
I guess maybe
You were right all along
And you can’t change a soul
Just by singing a song
But I still remember
When I watched Kimba
That’s how I wanted to be
He was so strong and brave
Small, yet unafraid
Shining and selfless and free
I have seen the enemy
In the silver behind glass
I can’t sing and I can’t talk
And I can’t even ask
I guess maybe
You were right all along
And I can’t change my soul
Just by singing this song
You pegged me
For a creep back then
And nothing has changed
To make you my friend
I thought maybe
You’d see me as cool
But you could still see
I was the same old fool
I guess maybe
You were right all along
And you can’t change a thing
Just by singing a song
Now I’m just growing old
And know you can’t change your soul
So far from how I would be
But Jesus still walks my heart
And I hear from the darkest part
I’ll make you a lion like me
I’ll tell you my dreams
If you don’t mind
Otherwise, they’re a secret
Not so secret dreams
Guess I’m not what I seem
The best of life for me so far
Is my not so secret dreams
Never was much to look at
A little less to know
My ideals, high ideals
I guess but even so
Failed ambitions, daydreams,
Ideals I’ll never know
My life doesn’t define me
Know what I mean?
My life doesn’t define me
It’s my dreams
Not so secret dreams
Guess I’m not what I seem
The best of life for me so far
Is my not so secret dreams
Oh Lord,
Please hide me
From my enemies
Where have I left to go?
My old enemies
Are gone I know
None left,
Save the ones inside
Oh Lord, where else
Could I turn to hide?
Not so secret dreams
Guess I’m not what I seem
The best of life for me so far
Is my not so secret dreams