to be continued...
Can't feel worse about myself
Or be much more helpless
And I see that I am worthless
Whaddya want me for?
I'm a pussy and a pervert
And no one knows like you
No longer do I dream
Little darling one
I'd ever be a man
Or even a golden son
The hairball is stuck inside my heart
Not my throat this time
I give up completely
And this time draw no line
So grab my wrists and hold me down
Till I struggle no more
Take away my dignity
Just like you did before
Tape my mouth and slap my face
Till I lose the will to scream
Thwart my will, corrupt me
Till you break my will to dream
But do not leave me dirty
It was not you who drove me
Out to the perimeter
And forgot to kill me
I know now I'm the piece
That just fits in that way
So why do I fight God?
Okay, then I'll get drunk
Till the day I die for you
Lonely's what you want from me
But what's she supposed to do?
It's getting darker outside these days
And still darker inside the maze
The other horses seem so free
But suddenly I see the fences
So take my breath and choke me
Show them all just how you broke me
I try and speak, but make no sense
And I can't do it justice
So grab my wrists and hold me down
Till I struggle no more
Take away my dignity
Just like you did before
Tape my mouth and slap my face
Till I lose the will to scream
Thwart my will, corrupt me
Till you break my will to dream
But do not leave me dirty
It was not you who drove me
Out to the perimeter
And forgot to kill me
Do not leave me dirty
It's okay if you leave me
But do not leave me dirty
It's okay if you kill me
But do not leave me dirty
Just don't leave me dirty
I gotta lock on
And remember your face
So I can find you again
I took you for granted
But never again
Don't you look so sad
We'll be together once again
And I won't be so bad
Sometimes I get so tired
Tired of being me
And I just want to quit
I'm ready to be born again
So much I just can't be
But I hear a voice say to me,
Keep on chasing rainbows
The gold along the way
Is just a distraction
Not for you, anyway
When I was a child
I was a cowboy
I'm not a child no more
Maybe a young girl, maybe a cowboy
Don't really know what I'll be
But, I know that I'll be young there
Somehow you'll know that it's me
Sometimes I get so tired
Tired of being me
And I just want to quit
I'm ready to be born again
So much I just can't be
But I hear a voice say to me,
Keep on chasing rainbows
The gold along the way
Is just a distraction
Not for you, anyway
Keep on chasing rainbows
The gold along the way
Is just a distraction
Not for you, anyway
Keep on chasing rainbows
The gold along the way
Is just a distraction
Not for you, anyway
My life is but a sigh
On the lips of a wanderer
Who has strayed from God
The days don't seem shorter
But I'm losing time
And my gift slips away
Those who love me
Have given up
And wait no more
The alpha has come for me
I hear his breath
Now I know why they attacked me
My mother should have
Slammed my head on a rock
And eaten my body to give them strength
Not intended to grow old
Never to breed
Or spread my weakness
Sometimes when I remember
I feel like passing out
Sick to my stomach
And dizzy from doubt
Don't you get it?
These songs
Are altars to my pain
I wanted to erase
Every trace of my existence
But couldn't stand the rain
And now, those who love me
Have given up
And wait no more
Do people ever kill themselves
Because they think that they're so bad
And can't see how that they'd get better?
I find myself between sometimes
A Tale of Two Cities
And Young Goodman Brown
Not intended to grow old
Never to breed
Or spread my weakness
Sometimes when I remember
I feel like passing out
Sick to my stomach
And dizzy from doubt
I a child climbed rock walls
And fit in tight crevice
Always from height
Closer to God
And to my own understanding
And I brought you there too
Surprisingly more reticent
And, I a child
Caught Zebra Swallowtails
I never found in my youth
When desire more natural
Filled my days
But in turn was filled
By many things
Quite naturally
I asked you take my picture
Phone in hand
Cause now I just let them go
Quite proud to catch
Butterflies by hand
But remorseful
I used to kill them
Now I possess the memory
The ticks were bad
And at some point
No more to see
And we didn't really talk
But more than worth the walk
And knowing that we'd go again
A greater adventure
Somewhere further up
And hidden in the green
the smell of lilacs in spring,
old Mustangs, and Fall
the Sox in the Series
an old soccer ball
and butterflies
a beautiful song
like the smell of lilacs
but everlasting
Christmas Eve and hugs
the smell of spring rain
breezes through windows
love, loss and pain
and falling stars
a beautiful song
like the smell of lilacs
but everlasting
being married twenty years,
a girl I once knew
my son's hand in mine,
sharing a view
and new CDs
a beautiful song
like the smell of lilacs
but everlasting
68 Camaro's,
my daughter's voice
Blue Rodeo, Neil Young,
having a choice
and comfortable shoes
a beautiful song
like the smell of lilacs
but everlasting
I've lived my life compromised,
Lost sight of all I sought
I've been sold and bought
Given in on all the wrong things
Given up when I should have fought
Now I'm empty of compromise
And full of anger
I'm empty of me and God
And full of the world that's shaped me
A world that'll drown you
A world that's never known me
The world that I've bowed down to
And one that's come to own me
Leaving me compromised
Every day more compromise
A little more of just the same
They find me looking somewhere else
For someone else to blame
Here's the rub, I have no right
But it really hurts to be me
I take that out on you
But I'd rather cease to be
But I have no right to
Don't let my evil cloud you
I'd like to say goodnight to
A world that has shaped me
This world that'll drown you
A world that's never known me
The world that I've bowed down to
And one that's come to own me
Leaving me compromised
Every day more compromise
A little more of just the same
They find me looking somewhere else
For someone else to blame
Oh, but no, I'm Jessie Dillon
I am your child you told me,
"They were wrong about you.
They resented all your glory."
So where do I go from here?
Cause I don't know that story
The one of no compromises
You gave me the right to
And my evil cannot cloud you
You say you love me,
"Now say goodnight to
The world that tried to drown you
The one that tried to bend you
That never tried to know you
It cannot bend and bow you
You'll not again bow down to
You'll not be compromised"
Don't be compromised
Don't be compromised
I am here, a writer
And so, I know,
As well as anyone
Where I have come from
There was a series of trials, I am sure
And I have seen my enemy
Though I did not recognize him as such
Tell me Lord that I have not failed them all
Tell me but not too much
And show me not my fall
I should cry again, but cannot
The tears come, but die in my eyes
Shame so deep I cannot drop my head
So you cannot lift my face
Tell me I have not failed them all
Tell me I haven't failed them all
I didn't deserve it
I didn't deserve it
I didn't deserve it
I didn't deserve it
If I say it enough times, will it change my mind,
That I deserved it all?
And through the trials, I am sure
I have failed them all
I should cry again, but cannot
The tears come, but die in my eyes
Shame so deep I cannot drop my head
So you cannot lift my face
What have I done
I'd say for sure
That I'd do again?
Given half a chance
I can't say a single thing
I look at those I love the most
And I see only pain
Tell me I have not failed them all
Tell me I haven't failed them all
I should cry again, but cannot
The tears come, but die in my eyes
Shame so deep I cannot drop my head
So you cannot lift my face
My home, where I live
Font of my peace
House and land
I long wanted
My job, this place
Security I have known
Gentle sun and rain
On this sinning saint
Thought these were my blessings
Only now I know they ain't
They're just my darlings
Holding me under water
Leaving them behind
Is what I really fear
And I think, the only way
To put my darlings down
I wrote I didn't
I wouldn't
But I think I need to see her
Thought that was my darling
But now I think instead
It s what I really fear
And I think it is the only way
To put my darling down
Keeping you just a memory
Holds me under water
That you're real, that's what I fear
And facing you, the only way
To put you, darling, down
But there's this unspoken horror
You failed me and I failed you
You failed me when you stood by
And let them call me faggot
Never saying, "You're okay"
I failed you when I conspired
As he called you fat and ugly
But even before, I promised you
I'd take you far away
From your family, and your sorrow
But that day never came
Hiding those failures from myself
Holds me under water
Seeing clear, the only way
To put that darling down
When was the moment
The exact moment
When it became unbearable?
When everything changed utterly
Where I must return
To leave that door still open
As I walk away, this time
Keeping that door closed
Held me under water
To open it and let him out
Was my biggest fear
I know it now the only way
To put that darling down
Holding on to pain and memories
Holds me under water
Growing up, I fear's, the only way
To make those demons drown
There's something else it seems
That I really fear
Cause I haven't found it yet
Just a dark shadow
There in back
In that room inside my head
Something I can't see
I think I must go further back
To find why it had to change
The moment that I'm looking for
The last the door was open still
A thing I can't even see
Holds me under water
And hides some place I fear to go
To put those demons down
Some place, somewhere, I cannot see
Hides my demons now
I must find that place I fear
If I'd put my darlings down
I must seek that place I fear
To put my darlings down
