Facts of life

Dr.B.M.Khadilkar

I am happy to present this article to you. I am sure, this will be helpful in guiding you to attain a feeling of emotional well-being. As the article discusses some scientific principles it may be necessary to read it seriously for understanding the facts. It is not for light reading. I have not tried for continuity between ‘two facts.’ I feel sorry as elaborate discussion of each fact is out of scope. Many other ‘facts’ could not be included.

Fact 1. Feeling of sadness, anger :-

In my article ‘Are you alone’ in previous Vihar issue, I had stated some irrational ideas a person seems to develop. Development of these ideas and firm internal belief in them governs our negative responses to the different stimuli. The great psychologist Dr. Albert Ellis [his publication no. is over 500, and 49 books and monographs (American Psychological Association, 1986)] proposed these ideas and developed the Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (REBT) in the end of sixties. This psychotherapy is of a great importance in treating a number of disorders.

Let me state the ideas again.

1. It is a dire necessity for an adult human being to be loved or approved by virtually very significant other person in his community,

2. one should be thoroughly competent, adequate and achieving in all possible respects, if one is to consider one self worthwhile,

3. certain people are bad, wicked and villainous and that they should be severely blamed and punished for their villainy,

4. it is awful and catastrophic when the things are not the way one would much like them to be,

6. if something is or may be dangerous, or fearsome one should be terribly concerned about it and one should keep on dwelling on the possibility of its occurrence,

7. one should be dependent on others and need someone stronger than one self on whom one can rely,

8. it is easier to avoid than face certain difficulties and responsibilities of life,

9. one's past history is and an all-important determinant of one's present behaviour and that something once strongly affected one’s life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect

10. one should become quite upset over other people's problems and disturbances,

11. there is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to all human problems and that it is catastrophic if this perfect solution is not found.

12. if a person well known in his own area of profession says any thing in any area of life it has to be correct, and should be accepted without any analysis.

Any sorrowful response can be correlated to one or more irrational ideas stated above. If one decides to be happy (yes, one has to decide to be happy, we only are the cause of our own unhappiness), he has to modify the irrational ideas. I have explained this in ‘fact 6’

What are psychological disorders?

Psychic disorders are of two types, psychosis and neurosis. Psychosis is totally out of our control. Once one is affected by psychotic disorders which are because of internal neurochemical imbalance, one has to be treated by a psychiatrist. One has to take antipsychotic medicines. Just like cancer can strike any body psychotic disorders can. Second type is due to incapability in coping with the life situations. Psychosis is due to intraspychic conflicts, and neurosis is due to interpsychic conflicts. When you behave in a particular way though you don’t want to, you may conclude that you have a problem. Let us take some examples. Many times you decide to control your anger but you explode too frequently in close relationship. After the incidence you repent on your behaviour. You decide that you will not go out with your friend as you want to complete an assignment but when he calls you, you don’t say no! You experience enormous pressure to express your opinion against your boss, your seniors though you internally wish to. These suppressed thoughts will haunt you for a long time. You may keep talking to your-self, and you may visualise that you are expressing your views the way you wanted to. This may consume lot of your valuable time. Also many times expression of these thoughts become your mind’s priority need and you will not be able to concentrate on your studies. You decide that you will study hard but when you sit with books, you can not concentrate, you feel lazy & dull or even depressed at times. You may develop some physical symptoms like heaviness in the head, pain in your head, neck, eyes, or back.

You need to improve and can benefit from psychological help if,

• ‘you can’t talk lovingly to your spouse, children, with your friends, parents, brothers and sisters though you want to,
• you can’t work on the project that interests you,
• you don’t make love and you would like to,
• you sit or you would like to sit in your room all day and brood,
• you don’t play or do other enjoyable activities, because of a leftover gnawing feeling,
• you can’t introduce your-self to someone who appeals to you,
• you avoid talking to someone when you realize that a simple gesture can improve the relationship,
• you can’t sleep as something is bothering you,
• your anger keeps you from thinking clearly,
• you say something abusive to someone that you love,
• you are so nervous that you can’t function the way you want to,
• you worry too much, too frequently,
• you have developed at young age hypertension, diabetes, insomnia, lack of confidence or other stress symptoms.’

Psychological help doesn’t always mean admission to a mental hospital, appointment with a psychiatrist, swallowing tranquillisers & antidepressant drugs. It could just be a talk with someone who knows the subject.

Thus when you know that you have developed attitudes which you would like to get rid of you have psychological problems. How severe they are will depend on the extent to which they are affecting your daily life. We tend to refuse to accept our psychological problems. We don’t feel anything wrong to say, " I can’t climb so much or I can’t lift a particular thing. Or I have fever today." But we feel odd to say, ‘ I am feeling depressed, or I am too offensive in communication and I hurt people around me, etc.’ As we don’t acknowledge our problems we can’t improve. Just like many physical problems like headache, mild fever, many viral infections, a wound, can get cured without taking any medicine, many psychological problems get solved without doing too much. But if the problems persist for a long time it is better to consult a psychologist or a counsellor. Here I must state that a person you approach for counselling must know psychology as a science. We tend to think that counselling is just seeking or giving advice. It is much more than that. A counsellor, ignorant of psychology and advances in psychology, the working of mind (brain in action) is dangerous as he may develop guilt in the victim’s mind by talking too much about his own achievements or by pointing out victim’s mistake in an inappropriate manner. Elders in our society tend to think that psychology is just a logic. They must understand that it is not so. It is a well developed science now having experimental support for various theories. We must understand that we can not learn psychology or any subject with age. However, if one feels emotionally constipated it is better to go and open up with a senior person, a teacher or a friend. If he becomes a good listener to the victim’s cry, and acknowledges the emotions of the victim the battle will be half won. The acting counsellor should extend the support and not the advice. Advice without the correct assessment of the victim’s personality can be disastrous.

The counsellor should talk about the present and not about the past. It is useless and even risky at times to say, ‘you made a mistake (patient knows this, & may have developed a guilt feeling, don’t make him feel more guilty) by having done this. You should have done this. You should have done that. Why did you do that? (Patient himself is wondering about this).’ The first aid to emotional problems is acknowledgement of the feelings. The responsibility of first aid falls on the room mate or any good friend.

Depression is one of the common diseases. Its occurrence in females is more than that in males. Girls should note that if they cry too often when alone, they should take a professional help rather than continuing to live miserably. Depressed person may show the following symptoms.

• He prefers sitting in his room for most of the time.
• He has been abnormally quiet for 2-3 days.
• He is not feeling interested in the things which he normally likes.
• He expresses a desire of committing suicide even casually. His food habits have changed, he doesn’t eat properly for 2-3 days.
• He complains sleep disturbances. Or sleeps more than usual.
• He complains of lack of concentration, lack of initiative, lack of enthusiasm.
• He has become abnormally irritable for some days.

Depression is a disease, as true as cancer, and not just an artificially planned behaviour. If these symptoms continue for more that two weeks, it can be clinical depression and in such cases a psychiatrist’s advice is must. Psychiatrist may prescribe some drugs. We have unnecessary fear about antidepressants. Though they are not free from side effects, as any other drugs,( specially if taken for a long time) in a number of cases short treatment along with professional counselling and relaxation using hypnosis or any other relaxation techniques helps. Just medication however may not be able to prevent relapse though it will reduce the symptoms. It must be noted that someone who is falling into deep depression may look and act normal, at least for a while, friends may think that he or she is being overly sensitive. Not realising that a person is really ill, they say, " snap out of it" or " pull your-self together". Giving such advice is like telling a person with heart disease or cancer to get better.

Let me give some examples of first aid communication.

Improper communications:- "What is wrong with you? Come, let us go for a round." " We all feel bored when we see you sitting like this." "We are also facing so many difficulties. What is the use of getting depressed?" Proper communication:- "Life is really difficult. Sometimes I too feel depressed. I feel disinterested in life. It is so natural! But let us try to come out of it. Come, we will go for a walk. We will be happy if you come with us. " After such statements you will mostly see the positive effect if depression is not too deep.

The person, suffering from depression may become irritable. Friends must tolerate his offence in such cases. Continuous negative thoughts are another characteristic of depression. These thoughts normally reflect in close communication. It may so happen that the person may feel better in the morning but feel depressed again in the evening. Depressed person may ask the same question again and again or keep telling the same thing again and again. Depressed person gets hurt very easily and does not recover from his mental wound for a long time. Life stands on the three pillars. Wealth, health and happiness. Depression corrodes all these three pillars. Depressed person may become paranoid and may anticipate failure even before attempting anything.

Smoking being more affordable, hence more common addiction in hostelites, we will discuss only this. Nicotine, from one puff of cigarette takes only seconds to reach brain. Once there, it stimulates the release of brain chemicals, among them acetylcholine. This neurotransmitter and others trigger alertness in mind and body. It is like an excited emotional response, with body reactions, such as more rapid heartbeat. As the person continues to smoke the brain begins to release chemicals called beta-endorphins. Their effect is to calm and relax. Hence it is not easy to quit smoking. However quitting it has enormous benefits. Smoking has been called the single greatest cause of preventable deaths (U.S. Dept. of health, education and welfare, 1979). In United States smoking accounts for approximately 125000.0 deaths from cancer annually-i.e. about 30% of all cancer deaths (American Cancer Society, 1989) and another 170 000.0 deaths from cardiovascular disease (Oncology Times, 1984). In addition to the above risks of heart disease & lung cancer, smoking increases the risk of chronic bronchitis, emphysema (a complication of bronchiactisis), other respiratory disorders & peptic ulcers. It has been observed that those who are in regular close contact of smokers, also have much greater risk of all the above disorders. Smoking has synergistic effect on other risk factors. It enhances the impact of other risk factors. Nicotine stimulates the release of free fatty acids, it may increase the synthesis of triglycerides, which in turn decreases high density lipoprotein (HDL) production ( so called good cholesterol). Carbon monoxide in a cigarette smoke can have its own serious effects on body systems. Blood of smokers coagulates more easily. People under stress tend to smoke more and is a common cause of cardiac crisis. It is possible to write two more pages easily on the bad effects of smoking and stress. However I feel that whatever I have written would be sufficient to make the point clear that one must try to quit smoking.

Psychology of smoking- Smoking has been considered manly for many years. Students may start smoking to express their manliness. Some boys admitted that they feel more happy when they smoke in front of girl friends. They get a special pleasure in lighting a cigarette in front of young females. Unfortunately many but not all young girls also consider a smoker more manly. Young boys get a feeling of some kind of adventure in the initial phase of their smoking. Smoking is shown in movies as a manly act. This develops a favourable image of the smoker in teenager’s mind. This contributes a lot. In the films smoking and drinking alcohol is also used to express the emotional agony. The young boys tend to smoke to express their emotional disturbances. They are satisfied even if there are no spectators to their smoking. They have an association that smoking relieves emotional strain. This also acts in making them feel better than they would have felt without this association. Thus it may form a part of sympathy seeking behaviour, i.e. to show the grief, emotional trouble to somebody whose attention & sympathy is pleasurable. Some boys start smoking out of curiosity. This is more common if their parents smoke. Peer pressure is another important factor in initiating smoking.

Stopping smoking:- The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. Stopping smoking means coping with withdrawal symptoms, both physical and mental. Discussion about this is out of scope of this article, however, I am giving some suggestions. Start today. If your parents smoke it will be a little more difficult for you to quit the habit, but if not, be assured that it will not be difficult. If you are unsuccessful take professional help. I will be happy to give some of my time not only for quitting smoking but also for any psychological disturbances, if you wish so.

• Smoke every cigarette halfway. It has been observed that when smoker begins to follow this he tends to inhale more deeply. Ensure that this does not happen.
• Don’t inhale every cigarette, try every other one.
• Try to cut your smoke intake by half.

• Record your smoking pattern, i.e. write your time of day, the activity at that moment. e.g. coffee break, post lunch time, etc.
• Check the pattern that emerges after 2 or 3 days.
• Decide to eliminate cigarette at certain time, the easiest, at the end of the day for instance.
• Then try to eliminate more difficult times.

• Find out your stressors.
• Try to eliminate stress.
• Develop bad taste for cigarette. This can be done by hypnosis very effectively. But must be done at appropriate stage taking in to consideration the severity of withdrawal symptoms. Do not use self hypnosis for this unless the progress is being monitored by a professional. Choose your hypnotist very carefully. He should have a reasonable knowledge of addiction psychology, psychology as a science, medicine, physiology, & anatomy.
• Maintain the therapy after you are successful in quitting to prevent relapse.

I wish to emphasise that any one who wishes to change his attitudes can do so by adopting various psychotherapy methods. It is unfortunate however that we are reluctant to accept this, very rarely try to change our own attitudes. Instead we tend to defend them even though they are poisonous to our own growth as a human.

Tips for making your-self happy (based on REBT):- Identify your irrational ideas and modify them. Now read the irrational idea no. 1.

The first idea should be modified as ‘I will be happy if every one approves me or love me. (Don’t deny the fact, do not pretend saying that you do not need love) But if it does not happen there is nothing catastrophic.’ Ask your-self, ‘Do I love or approve every one?’ The answer will be obviously no. Then how can I expect that I be loved, liked by every one else?

Let us now find out what happens if one has anchored first irrational idea. Such people always seek other’s approval for every thing. They constantly worry about what people are saying about them. They worry about how much people approve them. Considerable amount of anxiety then develops. They behave as per the wish of others and cease to be themselves. In spite of all the adjustments they can not get every one’s approval as it is impossible. These people are constantly under tension. They may tend to adopt perfectionist attitude and then they suffer perfectly. In spite of being meticulously organised, or being adopted complete suppressive attitude, they find that many people don’t like them. They become frustrated and develop stress as the universal approval has become their internal need. One should ask to self from time to time , ‘ what do I really want to do in the course of my short life?’ rather than asking, ‘ what do I think others would like me to do?’

The secret of happiness is not found in seeking more but in developing the capacity to enjoy less. Do not be proud of your problems. Don’t just keep grumbling about them but act for solving them. Happiness is not an absence of problems, but ability to deal with them. Stress or fun? Choice is yours.

Don’t assume that there is going to be some negative outcome of every thing.

Show your feelings. It takes too much energy not to. Never be miserable in a job or relationship. Life is short, move on.

It costs you nothing to talk positively. Say that the glass is half full rather than saying its half empty. To stop talking negatively in social interactions is the first step to be a happy personality.

To stop talking negatively even to yourself is the second step.

To stop thinking negatively even to yourself is the last step.

Keep good positive incidences ready to be recalled at the time of onset of negative thinking.

Do not take masks of boldness, goodness, cleverness, richness, generosity, etc. It is extremely stressful to maintain them.

Never run away from the difficulties. You can never solve problems in your life without facing them. A number of problems get solved as you approach them boldly. Also many of the problems don't require deep thinking or long planning. They can be solved as and when you sense them. You are wrong if you think that you are the only unlucky person to have a bad life and that you are helpless. Never enjoy complaining about surrounding situations, about your health problems to everyone you meet. There should not be more than four to five people to whom you should discuss your personal emotional problems.

Try fear nothing. Irrational fear is the sign of weakness.

Take your own decisions. Confusion in choosing one out of two may indicate that both the choices are almost equally achievable. Hence choose one and dedicate your sincere efforts to achieve the objective. Failure in this indicates that you have thought of failure more and your attention was more on what you have not decided rather than on what you have decided to do. Learn to take risks. The meaning of the word 'risk' is some undesirable thing which is much less probable to happen. Don't change your decisions unless extremely essential.

Success is not being able to do things which others can do but being able to do things which you think you can.

( I will appreciate if you communicate your reactions to the article).