This email interview was a collaborative effort between my best friend in the whole wide world - G. Lynn Burch (he made up 99% of the questions), Graham Smith (the mastermind behind Kleenex Girl Wonder) who eventually gave us some answers to our stupid questions, and me (the dirt digger named P) who put it all together for your reading enjoyment. Some of the content in this interview may not be suitable for underage readers, the Christian Right, or a certain "writer" for Magnet. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

FCP: Tomorrow you head to the Land of the Rising Sun for a tour with Kleenex Girl Wonder. What are you looking forward to most about visiting Japan? Sushi? Sapporo? Hot 3-way Geisha sex?

Graham Smith: Well I was looking forward simply to the carbonated milk, but when I got on the plane I read about a machine which vends, for a nominal fee (about $50), three pair of panties soiled personally by a schoolgirl. Included is a picture of the perpetrator, in a nasty outfit, or perhaps actually taking a shit. I could not find said machines, despite earnest (and I mean fucking earnest) efforts to find them. So all I got was a Sega Dreamcast, but that pretty much rules too.

Besides, I hear its pretty difficult to get Japanese school girl shit back through customs, and I just can't bear the thought of doing time in prison. I mean, look at me -- I'd be traded to some guy named Raheem for a pack of smokes and end up wearing a colostomy bag for the rest of my life. Not exactly good for the rockstar career. I don’t wanna be known as "Kid Ream."

FCP: I hear the Japanese are big on exchanging business cards. Do you have some made up that say: "Graham Smith, The Coolest Person Alive?"

Graham: No, but I got one made that says "Professional American," and I handed it out to everybody, then pointed to them and gave the thumbs down, and pointed to myself with a thumbs up. I went over smashingly.

I really enjoyed learning the various Japanese social customs. Did you know that it is considered rude over there to say things like, "Watch out, Jappie Boy " or shout "LOOK OUT – ATOM BOMB!?" I guess their sense of humor is just much different than ours. I think the number one TV show over there is called "Crazy Fun Time Active Party," and it features nude contestants slapping each other with dead halibut to old Air Supply songs. I think I saw Kristy McNichol on there.

FCP: Who cuts your hair? Do you use professional products?

Graham: I cut it. I use Herbal Essences to wash it, and therefore am treated to a thundering orgasm come shampoo-time.

FCP: Some hipster reviewers have been put off by your frequent mentions of yourself in song titles and album titles and credits, i.e. "Thank you to Graham Smith." What do you say to those who paint you as a narcissistic egomaniac?

Graham: I could care fucking less. Seriously, everybody gives me shit for this and I honestly can't understand how they could be so fucking dumb as to not get the joke. Give me a break! It's one thing to not think it's particularly funny, as I can understand most wouldn't, but to not even get it? No wonder I'm smarter than 99% of this fucking lazy country.

[Editor's Note: Although by his own estimation he is in the upper 1 percentile of smart people in relation to the other lazy masses of illiterate Americans, Mr. Smith probably meant to say "I could NOT care fucking less," which would indicate that he has no concern about the thoughts of others, rather than ""I could care fucking less," which seems to indicate some level of care about this topic. However, he is pretty goddamn smart. Maybe its best not to second guess these complicated artist types, huh?]

FCP: Your latest release, "Ponyoak," is an ambitious song cycle about love, breakup, and introspection. How did you come up with the concept, and is it mere artistic license or did someone actually break Grahammy's heart? Millions of Japanese schoolgirls want to know.

Graham: It was a combination of both, but mostly artistic license as I am far too strong to ever let a mere mortal break my heart. Sometimes, for a demi-god, I might shed a few tears, but I rarely concern myself with Earthly matters.

Last year, I did appear in the form of a cow to a certain young red headed art student in Philadelphia, and we made sweet cow-woman love in her loft apartment one balmy and magical night. When I morphed back into my human form, she became terrified and her shocked shutterbug boyfriend threw his powder blue cardigan sweater at me. Later, back on Mount Olympus, Poseidon and I laughed our asses off. Hoo boy, good times, good times.

FCP: I have read that your "animal alter" is a bear. Mine is a raven. I'll give you a celebrity, and you tell me what you think their animal alter is:

William Shatner--------------------------------------------Bald Eagle

Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse------------------------------Polynesian Rapist Gamecock
[Graham said it, not me. – Editor P]

Maurice Gibb-----------------------------------------------Bee

James Van Der Beek---------------------------------------Otter

Nathalie Portman-------------------------------------------Fox

Nietzsche--------------------------------------------------Idiot

FCP: Every lazy dumbass who reviews a KGW record makes heavy-handed comparisons to Guided by Voices (or the Kinks). Me, I don't hear more than a devotion to the same classic pop genre that Pollard mines in his work. What do you think of the GbV comparisons?

Graham: Eh, who cares. The GbV references are obvious only because out of laziness sometimes the vocal arrangements are similar, and idiotic fucking reviewers can't actually appreciate music unless it's boring. So fuck 'em. As for the Kinks, your guess is as good as mine, but I can pretty much tell that a lot of reviewers (I'm looking at you, Magnet dickhead) don't even appear to spin the record once.

Personally, I find it humorous that so many self-appointed musical experts overlook the more obvious influences on my music: Amy Grant, DC Talk, For Him, White Lion, Newsboys, Yngwie Malmsteen. You know, I just hope I can get through to half as many troubled teens as they have. As for the music, it's really all about my personal Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ. If you can't listen to songs like "Power Bird" or "Turn the Bitch Off" and figure out that the Lord is the one true light, then you must be some kind of fucking idiot or something. Wake up, assholes.

FCP: The "Gay Gigolo" 7 Inch. Just a record title, or the story of your life?

Graham: Actually it's a reference to a poem by Walt Whitman. I'm a scholar.

Actually, mostly just a scholar of gay poets who write about hot man-boy love. And at this point I'd like to give a big shout out to my Postal Blowfish homies Craigers and Doogs. You guys have really touched me, brahs.

FCP: A lot of "indie" artists your age (20?) are positively venomous with regard to "selling out" to major labels or even getting paid real money for being a performer. Do you think is a preemptive defense mechanism to help them rationalize the fact that they simply don't have the talent or the nards to have a real music career?

Graham: The fact of the matter is, most artists my age are shit as far as intelligence and talent goes, and most of the music they make is similar to the shit that is excreted by shit, which is to say, not very fucking good and pretty fucking shitty. In order to do this you have to make it your life. It can't be something you do to get pussy. In fact if you're anything even resembling a real artist you don't WANT to get pussy from it, because it cheapens the music. But hormone-driven fucks just don't get that, just like they don't understand that there are words that rhyme with "heart" other than "start". The industry is basically filled with retards, from the bands on up to the CEO's, so you just have to try to blend in and not spit in Ben Lee's face when you realize that that quixotically ugly mug has been between Claire Danes' legs. That's life.

But then I have heard Aussie men won't actually go downtown, if you know what I mean. If it ain't Fosters, I guess they won't drink it. Claire, if you're reading this, I have a 3 lb. tongue and can breathe through my ears. Gimme a call if you're in the Downer's Grover area -- I am one cunning linguist, baby.

FCP: If you were a zoo animal, what would you be and why?

Graham: I'd be a bear, so I could spray my fetid ursine semen on the bear keeper and laugh a bearish laugh.

FCP: Have you ever tried that trick where you put a Jolly Rancher in a bottle of Zima? I was plum out of JR's one night, so I tried peanut M&M's. The bottle exploded. I hate it when that happens.

Graham: This is an unanswerable question. But I did put my dick in a coconut once. It exploded, too.

My dick, I mean. The coconut was unharmed and continues to live an idyllic tropical existence in Pago Pago.

FCP: Tell the story about how 'Five Minutes' came to be, cuz I like that one and I can't think of any more questions.

Graham: My buddy Paul Caporino of the band M.O.T.O. and me and MOC records maven Kris Voss were sitting at the Empty Bottle in Chicago one night and Paul looked up at the clock and started singing "Five more minutes to rock, five more minutes to roll" because there were five minutes left until M.O.T.O. played. It's that simple, but it's still a pretty cool story.

Now, the real story about "Glander's Biennial" is a little crazier. Suffice to say that it involves a little ritual I perform on my prostate with some anal beads and peppermint extract twice a year. If I get the timing right, its Ka-BOOM! Scud Missile to downtown Jerusalem. You should see my ceiling, man.

I forgot to mention that my "dude buddy" and I made up parts of this interview. You see, we kind of know Graham so we knew he’d get a kick out us "doctoring" up his answers a little bit. The second paragraphs of all his answers are bogus. No matter what you think about this interview, us, or Graham Smith – you have to admit it was a pretty entertaining read! Here’s some pictures "lovingly fucked with" by G. Lynn Burch. He’s a funny man (for a lawyer). Originals can be found at March Records.

Farmer P & G. Lynn Burch