these thoughts haunting my head
i don't know what I'm thinking
I'm scared of my own thoughts sometimes
the anger, the violence, the rage
the sex, promiscuity, and rape
i cannot force these thoughts from my head
they live within me
they feed off of me
I am a sick soul inside and that scares me
I have the vengenance and anger in me
enough of it to kill
i hurt people
i dont want to hurt people
but i always do...
there is so much anger in me, so much rage
i can't explain its origins
nor why it won't stop
but sadly
I think my father had something to do with it
as a baby I was fortunate enough
to inherit a lot of his genes
enough so that he wouldn't pick on me
enough genes so he wouldn't hate me
wouldn't hate me because I'm not so much
like my mother
my mother says he's bipolar
I sometimes agree... but...
am i like that too?
I fear that I am now... now that i know...
i mean, maybe its just 'hormones' kicking in
i've never felt as angry as i do
as i have in the past few years and now
my anger, at bouts, has been unleashed
and it scares me... scares me so much
the force within me
the ability to hurt someone
kill a soul
injure a child
be that which i fear most
that is the anger within me
that is the rage
do you not see my fear?
I am afraid of my own self at times
I am afraid, like now, when i right this
i try to suppress the anger
but i know its there
she sees it to
my mother
she sees it...
she's afraid i'm going to be like him
that's why she talks about him so much
mothers know these sort of things
i dont want to be like him
please dont make me be like him
nature versus nurture
with time and work, i wont be like him
i love people, i live for people
but in a bout of anger, i'd kill someone
anyone who lay in my path
i see it now... yes, i know it now
she is right, i am like him
she does not say it, but now i see
she tells me about him, about his meanness
he's a nice guy in general
but mean he gets at times
and when he's mean, i run and hide
i'm afraid of him at times...
the way my younger sibling sometimes fears me
i will not become the monster he is
but, here, still
i am afraid
were i not afraid...
i'd have stopped writing a while ago
but there is a monster in me
i knew it
I KNEW IT!
i will fight the monster
i will not be like him
but i need help... the help of peers
i guess this is an outcry
or something of that sort...
no no, i do not want attention
no no, i do not want your pity
but when i start to become mean
when i start to act like him...
stop me
oh please, i beg you
stop me
i would rather die than be like him
i would rather die than act the way he does
i dont want to make anyone cry
the monster lies within me
and i shall fight it
i shall put it away
but i need your help...
you can restrain me if you're strong
or tell me if you're weak
or if you're just unsure, let me know
there is a monster in me
i can become that monster
i dont want to be that monster
i would take all the pills of the world
(noting that i hate pills)
to never be that monster
so when you look at me
and the kindness within my soul
and the smile upon my face
all disappear
ask what is wrong
that the monster
living within me
does not ever become unleashed
i have held it in for so long
but its hard to control these days
i'm in the mood to kill now...
oh, in oh so many ways
the poetry of a serial killer
often frightening to read
but what if you read and discovered
that they could have been stopped
before the anger was unleashed?
before the insanity took control?
i knew i was never truly sane
but now it all becomes clear
the monster lives in me
and from it, i've found fear
~Keti Rat