Well, folks, this is my first update in some time. In case anyone still reads this, you can start here.

And sorry, but the links above that won't work at all. They completely changed the archive system on me, so all my links are worthless. All that work for naught. It's almost depressing in a way...

Anywho, now that that's done, I'm going to take the time to do this right. New stuff will go on top (for the regulars), and there will be TWO lists, one for ones that apply everywhere and ones for Sluggites. Sound good? Sounds like a lot of work. But it's worth it. :)

Addendum to previous update, there will be two lists, but the format's going to be a little different. I'm going to put a list of quotable quotes in one and one-liners in the other. If they count as both, they might go in both. Oh, and the links do work again, so no worries. The new lists will use the new format though...

"Yes! Spam Satan!" - Riff

"Nice to know the ultimate battle between good and evil will be fought with missile-launchers!" - Torg

"Should I just live with the traces of Satan, Chuck the archangel, Alanis Morrisette, Gilbert Gottfried, and Carrot-top on my system or should I copy over 100 gigs of nudie pics to back up important documents so I can reinstall my operating system? There are some choices no man should have to make." - Riff

"Uh... did I say rabbit? I meant rabbi! Bad rabbi! Bad..." - Torg

"Harleys suck because they are too damn loud, and you look like a dork in that outfit!" - Bun-Bun

"This event we will handle with sophistication. 'Handle' being the operative word." - Riff

"Get real close and nudge it with your foot. If it springs up and eats you, I'll know it ain't dead." - Riff

"Oh yeah, the girl from the park! Didn't recognize you conscious, upright, and unmangled." - Torg

"You like the smoke machine? Imagine, letting this baby go for 50% off just cause the level-adjust is busted!" - Sam

"The evil is here! Ask the pope in the woods. The bars hold us to the place! The clock drags us to the time! I see them! This is their grave, your grave! The tendrils of burnt flesh ensnares the feeble willed! I like pistachio ice cream. There is evil here! I see them, can't you? Maybe your eyeballs are in the way! Pluck, pluck..." - Random guy in jail

"Man, I can't believe this. Animal testing. Animal testing! Do you know what this means? I haven't studied! My GPA is gonna go straight to hell!" - Bunny in lab(Cinny-Bun)

"Judge not lest me judge you a new butt-hole, buddy!" - Dr. Lorna

"Now that I think about it, I distinctly remember the term "psycho-bitch" being thrown around in kindergarten!" - Torg

"What I am thankful for is pure and unalienable. It is a right for which I have nothing but gratitude. The right to shoot all telemarketers on site!" - Bun-Bun

"A simple case of no more beer, or a deeper statement on the nature of humanity?" - narration

"You plan to use the dead in military actions by having them assault the enemy with gut-wrenching puns? This is even more insidious than I thought!" - Qwirky Walton

"'I don't know if it is such a good idea to let your ferret play with Bun-Bun, since he is in a really bad mood and cleaning his gun'... That's what I should have said!" - Torg

"Screw foraging for nuts! We have enough shampoo and Ho-Hos to last all winter!" - Squirrels/new Amway customers

"Attention shoppers, the mall has reached maximum capacity. Please head for the exits in a calm fashion! ATTENTION SHOPPERS, OH DEAR LORD! THE WALLS ARE CRACKING! RUN FOR THE EXITS! RUN!" - mall intercom voice

"Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the home
Was a lop setting trip wire
That could cut through bone.
A tri-mounted rifle
Was armed by this hare
In the hope that St. Nicholas
Soon would be there.
Despite the barrage of bullets
From a gun with auto-trackin'
Bun-Bun retreated
'Cause Santa was packin'.
With a wink and a flip
Of the bird to the lop
He dropped off his gifts,
And up the chimney he shot!
And he went off to reward
The good children in bed.
But he didn't notice the
Plastic explosives under his sled." - narration

"I'm not gonna kill him, Kiki! I'm going to set him up on a blind date... a date with someone I met on the Internet!" - Sam

"For tonight's wine, might I suggest a bottle of whiskey and a small handgun?" - waiter

"This is either an escaped convict in a wig, Sammy Hagar in a dress, or the ugliest woman I've ever seen." - Torg

"Thank you, one and all! I love my fans. If you all weren't drooling perverted insensitive clods, I'd be out of a job!" - Dr. Lorna

"I did a painting of Rodin's 'The Kiss' on the ceiling. I even used pictures of her parents as reference for a personal touch. I got inspired! ... I think paint-fumes just go straight to my brain." - Torg

"I don't know why humans waste time with sleep! They are so much cooler without it!" - Aylee

"Muldy, do you actually think about what you are saying or is it an improvisational game of mad libs that you play in your head?" - Kruller

"When a story breaks we give you the pieces" - Nifty News 50

"Muldy, just because I suffer from lost time and have vague memories of being anally probed by a bunch of little green men a second ago doesn't prove anything!" - Kruller

"I don't, but I care about him caring about me! I need attention from someone I don't care about to keep caring about those who don't care about me!" - Zoe

"...ferrets are more easily distracted than a toddler on a double espresso." - Bun-Bun

"I don't know what scares me more, the thought of actually having an affair with Val, or the fact that I derive my morals from tabloid talkshows." - Torg

"Aw... does the widdle demon cowect beanies? How ceeee-ute!" - Torg

"His greatest fear is baby bunnies?" - Reakk

"Note to self: be careful chewing through support beams in future..." - Bun-Bun

"I might be a little slow on this, but is it really a good idea to be setting jagged metal crab traps in a flimsy rubber raft in a bay filled with sharp-clawed crabs and jellyfish?" - Torg

"I wish I had a case of crabs. I'd call all my friends and say, 'Come on over guys, let's have a raging party! I got a raging case of crabs!'" - Torg

"Cell... phone!... need... cell... phone..." - investment banker on vacation

"Fun Rabbit Fact: Rabbits constantly scratch and chew at their surroundings. This maintains the length and sharpness of their teeth and claws. In most situations, this is beneficial for the rabbit. Being in the middle of the ocean in a rubber raft is not one of those situations." - Narration

"Self-inflicted lobotomy: stress management for the 90's" - Narration

"I'm sorry I missed my deadlines, but please give me another chance! I was stressed out for a little while, but I'm ok now. Could you hold on a minute? My secretary just exploded." *click* "Hello? Hello? I should really stop being so honest with clients." - Torg

"Hey, the scum-tracking targeting device is targeting your laundry basket!" - Kiki

"I had to see Torg! I felt so bad. What happened to him was all my fault. But getting to see him gave me this warm fuzzy feeling inside! Oh wait, that was the security guard I had to eat to get in here. He had a lot of facial hair." - Aylee

"Best use of that whoopee-cushion since putting it on Zoe's seat during the "I'm flying" scene in Titanic!" - Riff

"'Eat the bunnies, stomp the hamsters, and boil three mice for gold!' There, I said the password." - Reakk at the PETA office.

"I'm thinking we should make like Van Halen and split" - A younger Torg

"You are deader than bellbottoms!" - Same younger Torg

"Santa roasting on an open fire,
Napalm stuffed-right-up-his nose" - Bun-Bun

"You'd be slow too if you had your brain yanked out of your skull through your nose with a hook!" - The Mummy

"At least we are consistent. Body parts every year." - Torg, at Christmas

"No, the words she used to describe you ain't back-o-the cereal box material, Bucky. They're the kind of words your mama would wash your mouth out with goop for saying. Words that jump in the thick of it without bothering to check for civies in the way! Party words! Words that..." - Berk

"Ibrupoffen... iburpopen... I need ibuprofen." - Bun-Bun with a hangover

"Living next to a violent carnivorous alien can have its advantages." - Zoe

"How about we play a silly game of bullet tag?" - Bun-Bun

"Riffy? It's Valentine's Day! Gimmie your heart!" - Gwynn/K'Z'K

"You're right, I should have called in sick. I'm still a bit under the weather, but I just wanted to drop by for a minute to dangle you off the observatory and murder your son!" - Gwynn/K'Z'K

"We can't condone your violent motives so we'll have to force ourselves to forget they exist!" - Relatives of the Easter bunny.

"My world is a crotch!" - Bert

"My God! She thought it was a 'date' date!" - Dex

"It's tough to run with both feet stuck in your mouth" - Zoe's evil side

"Let's bus some heads!" - Zoe

"Let's pinch ass!" - Zoe

"Nopers! I'm going to do my best to distortify the English languagism thingies." - Muffin, the Vampire Baker

"Let me get this straight. You're in high school and you're dating a hundred-year-old vampire? Who ordered the chicken statutory?" - Emerald Lasagne

"The water-tank was no problem. Finding the Ria S�o piranhas was tough!" - Bun-Bun

"Thank God this jagged pile of recyclables broke my fall!" - Dr. Schlock

"Well, my work here is done. If you need me again, just admit to yourself that you're screwed and die." - Dr. Schlock

"You stole my car! Bad bunny!" - Torg

"If god meant for me to eat vegetation that wasn't triple washed and came in plastic bags, he would have made me dumb like you!" - Bun-Bun

"Game called on account of naked chick." - Bun-Bun

"And that's 'watch', not 'crotch'! Don't screw it up this time! That was one embarrassing magic show, I can tell you!" - Torg

"Technically that was the sound-barrier breaking." - Riff after giving a ferret candy

"When he said he was 'cured', I thought he meant like a ham." - Aylee

"'Those we meet are not meat!'"
"'Hands are for shaking, not for baking.'"
"'Brokers are for investing, not digesting.'"
"'Maria Shriver is not for our saliva.'" - various quotes from Mr. Cilantro of Cannibals Anonymous

"One man's 'birds of a feather' is another's 'muscling in on my territory.'" - Bun-Bun

"Shotgun shells! Shot to hell! Santa blown, away!
He can beg for mercy then become a fine red spray." - Bun-Bun (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

"'And lo, the Huns and other Germanic tribes did drape evergreens with the intestines of their slain enemies to ward their encampment against intruders.' And that, Torg, is where garland on Christmas trees comes from... It's true! I read it on the internet!" - Riff

"And the celebration has gone off without trouble. As we head into the new millenium, we'd like to applaud the winner of our voter's choice award for the greatest movie of the entire millenium: 'Pokemon: The First Movie'. There is still time to vote for the most influential person of the millenium. The contenders are: Britney Spears, Nostradamus, Will Smith, Michaelangelo (the turtle), and Pikachu! We now present to you the ultimate rock anthem which has stood the test of time, Kid Rock's 'Bawitadaba!'" - Stone Johnson

"'When the world descends into panic, we lead the way.'" - Qwirky Waltons, for Nifty News 50

"I'm trying to scan your mind, man, could you think with smaller words?" - Sam

"The bullets are just his way of saying 'Keep it down, I've got a hangover!'" - Kiki

"Your mom called me a giant rat! When that happens, people try to hit me in the head with a broom or something, unless I play dead! Then they leave me alone and let me play in the garbage!" - Kiki

"It was just so much eyeball, how could I resist?" - Reakk

"Hey, if he did think I was a virgin maiden, what would have happened next?" - Reakk

"It's not a catapult, it's a ride! ... Unless I miscalculate the trajectory, then it's the oops-go-splat ride." - Psyk

"Reakk the Dragon Boinker, he boinks them all the time! Reakk the dragon boinker, he's got boinking on his mind! Ya want'yer sheep and chickens boinked? Most any man will do, But Reak the Dragon Boinker, he's a boinker through and through!" - Reakk's bard

"Well, since beer is made of barley, if you got drunk and fell asleep in a jacuzzi, would you wake up 'haggis'?" - Torg

"Normally they wait until they get to a room before tying each other up." - Resort worker

"So, you met some new chick and headed straight out to some love-shack and are now making animal sounds to me over the phone. EEWWW!" - Riff

"Good God, man! If you're going to sit in the wine-glass-shaped jacuzzi, wear swim trunks! Holy pressed ham! I need to wash my eyeballs!" - Riff

"I didn't expect her to counter my plan with nakedness!" - Riff

"Hey, never mind on the 'help' thing, Gwynn! Torg managed to saw through the ropes using one of the resort's complimentary saltines." - Riff

"Hey! I just used the word 'booby' in a serious sentence!" - Torg

"Oasis's wedding is ruined, knives are flying, Gwynn's pupils have omminously vanished and she's having clothes-issues. There are just so many reasons to run for my life, I"m having trouble settling on just one!" - Torg

"A dynamic character with an ability to survive certain death, and a questionable death scene leaving no corpse? Face it, we'll never see her again!" - Riff

"Bob, here, got a unique Bazooka-Joe comic with his gum. A printing error caused the words of the comic to blur into the exact wording of runes of evil power. When he read the comic out loud (because he didn't get it), poof! I possessed him." - Skippy the demon

"Hello. Welcome to Bun-Bun's Theatre of Whores. Oh, wait. I misread this. It says theater of 'horrors', not 'whores.' OK, so this story just got 400% less interesting." - Bun-Bun

"Don't confuse me with facts! I didn't get to be sheriff of this town by listening to reason, I done it by being annoyingly stubborn about the bad judgement calls I make!" - Sheriff Bugahf

"I'm Mrs. Glee, but you can call me 'plot device to determine setting.'" - Mrs. Glee

"I have smelt this puddle of beer and am buzzed, I tell you! Buzzed!" - Bert

"Poor little kids of Satan!" - Mrs. Glee

"That night he came to our door. I was face to face with the devil himself. It was as if the shadows themselves rushed to his side and clinged to him like drunk bimbos at one of those new-fangled heavy metal concerts! Damn devil-music!" - Mr. Glee

"A short time later the kittens were born. There were six plus six plus six of them, and Jim Traipsey named the whole litter 'The Evil', after his mother." - Mr. Glee

"A grown man punting a kitten who was looking the other way... It was the bravest thing I've ever seen." - Torg

"I hate alternate timelines. They make for messy bookkeeping." - SquishyDodo

"I felt a great disturbance in the force. As if a significant plotline suddenly cried out in terror... and was suddenly silenced." - Torg

"We should help pay for these tapes, I guess. Hey, where'd my credit cards go? Hey, why is this box addressed to me?!?" - Zoe

"Veggie-hotdogs? That's impossible! Vegetables don't have [BEEP]holes!" - Torg

"You know, between the yellow pages and e-bay, it's a wonder I have to leave the house!" - Torg

"See these two kielbasas I'm cooking? Let's say they represent a politician's experience. Most people think the longer the better, but some say it doesn't matter as long as you can maintain an election" - Torg

"'Rancid' is in the taste buds of the beholder. I'll fire up the grill!" - Riff

"Everyone get back in here! 'Make yourself frosty' does not mean run outside and build snowmen." - Squishydodo

"How non-clich� that the one guy who can explain what happened is delusional and holding a bomb." - Skimpymoomoo

"Yay! Squidshydodo saved Christmas! Um... except for the fact that by blowing up Santa's workshop, and Santa in the process, you kind of ruined Christmas." - Skimpymoomoo

"Torg, these are whole shelled pecans, and I told you to get crumbled pecans. I need a meat-mallet to crush my nuts." - Riff

"I got myself some holiday ding-dongs! See! They have red and green sprinkles! It's kind of depressing. This is my favorite time of year, but because I'm so busy trying to get my business back up to speed, I haven't had time to enjoy any of it! It's like it's going to sneak right by! In fact, the only thing I have decorated so far this year is my ding-dong." - Torg

"...I found if you use the toilet as a tree stand you never need to water it!" - Aylee

"Where's that special Christmas clip? It'd be wrong to plug Santa with bullets that didn't have the name 'lard-butt' inscribed on 'em!" - Bun-Bun

"It tastes like some big animal spit in my ear!" - Riff

"Before you kick my butt for unloading my problems on you, just keep in mind that I am an overworked pseudo-postal-worker." - Sasha

"I just kissed a girl named ...something..." - Bun-Bun

"Did you just see a drunken rabbit hop by with my bottle of 151-rum?" - Riff

"Not that that's a bad thing! I was just curious! I admire impatience. It's... um... neat-o!" - Skippy the demon

"Your fighting style smells of gorgonzola!" - Torg

"Hey, why did you jump to 'Mark-5'? I don't remember Mark-3 and 4! And why are lots 189 through 205 closed for repair? And lot 206 looks like it's been partially liquefied!" - Torg

"The robot is fully armored in heat-treated, triple-folded titanium. It can resist high-powered artillery blasts or a point-blank Senate ethics committee hearing." - Riff

"So if you step out of line I'm supposed to get midlevel on your asps." - Kiki

"What's 'litter-rally' mean? Is that like 'litter-box'?" - Kiki

"EEEEK! A rodent in the kitchen! How 'third world'!" - Sparky the waiter

"I said I need a job application! If you got the wax out of your ears you could hear the twister picking up the trailer park of your future!" - Sparky

"Sorry, my angst-train derailed for a minute there." - Riff

"Ow! Ow! Ow! I was playing the world's smallest violin for you and dropped the darn thing down my ear." - Bun-bun

"The bread says TOAAAAAST" - Mark 5, or what a see-n-say AI says about a tanning laser

"'Hey, our friend is in a coma, let's freak him out if-and-when he comes to!' What's wrong with you people?" - Torg

"She's actually kind of fun company when she's not playing jump rope with my catheter" - Torg

"You see I just do this doctor stuff part time to make ends meet. My real job is far more demanding." - Torg's ER doctor

"That, my dear ferret, was rare roast beef with white american and dijonaise on dutch potato bread! Charge!" - Torg

"'Oh,' God says, 'a challenge!'" - Bun-Bun

"Bankruptcy! Why didn't I think of that! Thanks, Riff! That solves everything!" - Torg

"No one's ever come back from trying. Take the path lined with mummified lifeless husks." - Brownbeak

"Torg, sometimes a cigar is a cigar and a pink slip is ladies underwear." - Riff

"I've found that men will barbecue anything." - Crystal

"No Mom, I'm not at some 'rabe' tripping on 'etcetera'!" - Zoe

"'A lot of professional scientists here do professional stripping to pay for evil'" - Dr. Shlock

"We are totally fluxed." - Bun-Bun

"Oh, sure. It's really east to be 'tough' when you're totally invulnerable." - Bun-Bun

"We've done our duty like men. Now is the time to cry like babies." - Random Pilot

"Note to self: high-fiving is dangerous in a zero-G environment." - Torg

And lastly, everything quoted here is copyright Pete Abrams in various years.