Below is part of an online lecture given by a friend from much of her own experiences on the below topics. This site does not take any responsibily if people follow her ideas or oppinions, but instead merely offers the lecture for it holds many good points.
Long Term Relationship. 24/7 simply means 24 hours a day - 7 days a week. Not so simply, it usually means the desire for lifetime commitment or a relationship with many or most of the same attributes that are familiar to all of us in it's vanilla counterpart - the marriage.
Much of the modern D/s (Domination/submission) community
closely resembles or mirror's tradition. Except, that in many ways the
level of expectation between the partner's within the relationship tends
to be stronger. The community that we see today is quite similar to what
we would call a 'normal' relationships of 100 or more years ago in lots
of ways. D/s being the Domination of one partner 'over' the other partner
within the relationship. There are some indications that people sense
the 'casual integrity' of the conventional marriage contract today and
it's often limited personal commitment and reject its apparent acceptability
by today's society and that some of the rapid growth of the D/s community
can be directly traced to people's dissatisfaction in this phenomenon.
People seek strength. Many people see societal weakness in this current permissive environment and desire to find the 'image or substance' of the type of community and security that they believe was normal in the time of their grandparents
With change comes a sense of insecurity and a feeling
of internal restlessness. There is often a strong sense of chaos or for
the individual the feeling of being lost. From a females perspective this
alteration has offered unknown freedom's in the areas of physical and
financial independence and with those freedom's the anxiety of not knowing
if their mate has the personal resolution to stand next to them through
thick and thin. In many cases men tend to view these new freedom's as
adequate to relieving them of personal responsibility to remain within
their relationships when problem's occur or when things get difficult.
Another aspect which should 'not' be overlooked is a growing desire on
both sides to experience the opposite of traditional expectation.
For many people this is probably the first time historically
when it is relatively permissible to explore feelings which as recent
as 20 years ago could devastate one's personal life, career, and reputation
should such feelings be openly displayed or exposed. The responses to
these changes are often quite different from one gender to the other,
in many ways female submissives tend to be actively seeking the 'strength'
of the traditional male (even in fem/fem relationships), while many male
submissives seem to be actively desiring to shed that role and find wholeness
along pathways of previously unexplored aspects of their personalities
and inner self.
We are all a product of thousands of years of evolution, experimentation, mutation and success. What we consider to be tradition today is really only tradition from the viewpoint of a very short timeframe. Today's traditions have been prominent less than 2000 years and most of the organizational aspects of 'male dominant', 'female submitting' can be traced to patriarchal imposition of behavior by religious organizations and governments.
There have always been suggestions that this patriarchal
framework was 'the' model for humankind in more ancient or primitive societies,
however, this may be less true than it might appear on the surface. Modern
primitive tribes of people who have been 'detached' from interaction with
the larger populations of man often structure their societies without
what we consider tradtional patriarchal dominant structures. So, even
as we speak, our understanding of human history continues to be written
and rewritten as we are forced to consider that what might be the most
prevalent model for human relationships are forms of shared domination
where one partner dominates some decisions and the other partner dominates
other decisions in a cooperative effort to make the 'family' more successful.
If you look closely at our own societies you will see evidence of this
type of behavior in virtually every culture.
There is much within D/s that draws on the desires of
those looking at it from the outside. There is the image of strength,
purity, sensuality, eroticism, the removal of puritanically imposed sexual
restraints coupled to ideologically superb traits such as loyalty, honor,
respect, integrity, trust, truthfulness and commitment. Living 'to' those
same images is vastly different or more challenging.
It has become cynically acceptable to 'expect' failure within relationships.
These expectations in some ways offer people an avenue of mental escape
from the integral 'value' of their own words, oaths or commitments. They
'know' that if they have a problem in their marriage that friends, family
and coworkers will shake their head and nod in commiserate understanding
and they will personally experience little or no 'loss of face' or reputation
for that failure.
For D/s to work the individual's 'word' has to have meaning or value.
One of the fundamental foundations of the relationship is 'trust'. If
your word is 'fluid' then you cannot establish and sustain this fundamental
'trust.' This alone requires the 'unlearning' of vanilla habits. A person
who actively demonstrates a 'failure' of their word or oath within D/s
becomes untrustworthy - (this is for either Dominant or submissive). Without
fundamental trust the relationship will cease to exist in any type of
positive or growth state.
It becomes 'crucial' to say 'clearly' exactly what you mean and to listen
'carefully' to hear 'exactly' what your partner says to you. We have often
been taught to try to 'say' what we believe other people wish to hear
instead of the truth. Truth alone can be blunt and unkind, it is also
the edge of the blade that does far less damage than one that is blunted
by false veneers. Honesty is essential. Hiding or masking anything will
quickly lead into a morass of problems and most often the severing of
the relationships potential. To be believed you 'must' be believable.
If your word can be found to be weak or tenuous then you will not be trusted,
respected or valued.
Many people race toward a 24/7 relationship with their
eyes filled with it's potentials. Colored viewpoints based on fantasy,
desire, unrealistic expectations and completely erroneous ideas on who
they themselves are inside. Reconciling the 'image' to the 'reality' takes
time, hard work and usually years of effort and compromise. Developing
or embracing the 'whole' of yourself is not something that will occur
ten minutes after you find your first D/s chatroom conversation or the
day after your first real life experience. It is a process that is filled
with struggle.
One submissive that I know describes it this way . .
. "submission is often like an insurrection, a constant war within
myself that my desire and will control and engage." Submission is
not a constant, it is not selected or chosen and then simply 'in existence'
in a single moment or choice. Nor is domination a constant. To suggest
that it is denies the 'fullness' of the inner self. Dominant's feel as
many moments of vulnerability and personal weakness as any other human.
Being able to openly experience these moments without censure or judgment
is also part of being whole. Often a new Dominant will believe that 'showing'
these 'weaknesses' will make others lose respect for them. In reality
the reverse is true. The removal of response to 'perceived shame' is a
demonstration of strength.
Embracing the entirety of yourself will strengthen and
reinforce the ego or the core platform from which you live.
24/7 requires that both individual's actively focus on
positive growth within the relationship. It becomes mandatory to develop
new skills and personal flexibility to adapt to the unique desires and
needs of your partner. It requires the selective and again active removal
of ingrained vanilla habits of response or expectation driven reactions.
A full time 24/7 relationship will not survive lies, dishonesty, casual
oaths, or any demonstration of a lack of trustworthiness.
The ramifications of failure for a D/s couple are often
more devastating than similar consequences in a vanilla relationship.
In general, the investment is deeper, especially if that same D/s couple
is actively (as most are) involved in BDSM. D/s requires more from people.
The levels of commitment and responsibility are significantly higher.
As, will be the subsequent challenges and stresses for everyone involved
in the years that follow the initial choice to join together. Such relationships
should not be entered into quickly or casually. Time is not an enemy here.
Take the amount you need to carefully investigate all aspects of your
potential partner before moving forward into the depth of full or intense
bonding and potentially considering a full time relationship or 24/7.
When Fantasy Becomes Reality
Long ago the first imagery appeared. In most cases we
cannot pinpoint the moment or recognize it's import in our life. When
I was a child I went to the library every Tuesday with my mother. Each
of us children were allowed 8 selections (there were 4 of us). We would
load up and carry these books home like priceless treasures. After finishing
our own 8, we would exchange our books with our siblings. On that day
my older brother got a book on pre-historic man. The pages were very large
and the depictions quite detailed.
In one I saw a person tied to a long pole, being carried
by two other people. In another scene this person was put over a fire.
The images astounded me. I was horrified and instantly hooked. For over
a year I checked that book out every week until the Librarian suggested
that others might like to see it and forbade me. Many other books followed.
I do not recall any as having that initial impact but I remember reading
sections of books and being so moved that I would tear out pages to hide
so I could read them again and again.
Each of these bits spoke to something inside of me. Having
the power to summon instant emotion and response. Over the years of my
childhood and young adulthood these grew into a fabric that seemed to
live on it's own inside of me. I know that in this I am in no way unique.
Many people find their first exposure to this realm of BDSM through fictional
books. It may have been Gor or The Story of O, or even one of Anne Rice's
Beauty books. It may have been a movie like 9 1/2 weeks, Exit to Eden
or any of a number of others. Once read or seen, the stories seem to 'live'
inside of us.
The problem comes when the individual tries to translate
a fictional realm into a real life lifestyle. The books with all of their
titillating eroticism fall far short in many ways. The author tends to
gloss over the hard stuff. It is a world of unblemished perfection under
the tightly held controls of the writer. Real life does not function that
way. Someone has to take the children to school, pay the bills and balance
the checkbook.
Unrealistic expectations and desires are some of the
most difficult challenges faced by those who are experienced in the lifestyle
when dealing with those just entering the lifestyle. In many ways we each
buy into a particular 'aspect' of the fantasy. Be it the control, or the
subjugation or the intense eroticism. None of these things are sustainable
24 hours a day. Yet over and over people try to implement the impossible.
The individual puts on the role. Be it Dominant or submissive.
They reach inside just like an actor and pull out that part of themselves
that identifies with that aspect and they drape it across themselves like
a cloak. And, while wearing that cloak they present themselves in the
assumed role fully. In that mode they seek out and engage their opposite,
they pull out all those fantasies and dreams and try to fashion them into
a workable scenario. And it seems to work. Except, that their new relationships
tend to fail rather quickly.
After a few meetings something 'happens' and they separate
to seek another person, ignoring the sensation of personal relief they
feel. They willingly attribute that sensation to that person not being
'THE ONE'. This may recur for years. Especially if they cling to their
fantasies as being the epitome of perfection.
The fantasy of being caged every day is enormously erotic
mentally, and extremely devastating in reality. It is boring, uncomfortable
and a total waste of the ability and talents of the individual. They do
nothing to contribute. There is no computer, no books, no television,
no bathroom, no telephone, no attention. The books never talk about how
the slave would feel if their mother walked into the room where they were
caged naked. The fantasy of having slaves at your beck and call suggests
that anyone (regardless of wealth), could live like a King.
Have sex whenever they liked, have whatever they wanted
done instantly. The books never talk about the total responsibility of
clothing, housing, feeding, medical, retirement of each of those individuals.
The enormous outpouring of attention required to keep a slave happy and
healthy. The complications when submissives fight amongst themselves,
jealousy issues, insecurities and a myriad of other problems.
When the individual reaches their limit, (the length of time where the
role is sustainable), then inevitably that role falls away and some other
part of their personality shows through. This is generally some form of
lashing out. The role becomes stressful to sustain and the source or reason
for the creation of that role becomes the focal point for the outburst.
This is generally followed by embarrassment. The individual realizes they
have 'broken' their own word. They have acted in a manner in opposition
to what they agreed upon in the relationship. This embarrassment can be
so great that they completely sever the relationship, seeing no way to
re-build the previous respect.
This entire structure was doomed before it ever began.
Assuming any type of 'role' pressurizes the insides of a person. Maintaining
a veneer while hiding other parts of the self creates imbalance...eventually
the psyche tries to re-establish that balance. There are no rules or formulae
to being either Dominant or submissive. There are no requirements. Being
a Dominant does NOT mean you have to be a bitch on wheels 24 hours a day.
Nor does it mean that should you show vulnerability others will lose respect
for you. If you cannot be ALL sides of yourself then you are reflecting
a flawed image outward.
If you feel it is un-Dominant to smile, laugh, tease,
flirt, etc... then that should be a warning to you that you are not being
honest with yourself. A sustainable relationship REQUIRES the entirety
of the person to be involved. Being whole will allow you to project a
'confidence' of self. An assuredly of who you are with all your warts.
No, you will not be Dominant or submissive 24 hours a day. The strongest
aspect will be present the MAJORITY of the time.
At some point the illusions and expectations must be set aside in lieu of functional choices. There is no Gor with it's eternally young women and no children, there is no Chateau hidden somewhere with some fabulously wealthy person willing to 'keep' you in luxury and comfort and Mickey Rourke is not waiting to bring you to your knees somewhere. A submissive carrying these illusions may find cleaning a toilet with a toothbrush not to be something they fantasized about doing at all. A Dominant clinging to expectations of a 24 hour servant may find attending to that person more like day care of a helpless infant than filled with the ideals of the erotic fantasy. They will probably be completely unprepared for the stress of being totally responsible for someone else's life and happiness.
Taking a "Second"
Taking a second slave is an enormous step, one that should be thought through with extreme care. Fulfilling the fantasy of the "harem" or the "stable" is far less possible than one might think, even in a subculture so open to alternative ideas. There just aren't that many people out there whose needs or desires include being "one of many" on a full-time basis. It is the rare individual who is willing to step into a heirarchy at its bottom, and have no real potential for advancement. Just as rare is the Master who is capable of maintaining a harmonious home while still being fair to all his slaves and giving them all the attention and training they deserve.
When considering acquiring an additional slave, the
primary relationship should remain foremost in the Master's mind. Hopefully,
he has had the foresight to include this eventuality in his initial contract
with the primary slave. If there is even a remote chance that a Master
will be considering a second slave, the "first" should be aware
of it when she begins training, and certainly before she signs a contract
or accepts a collar. If the Master chooses to plow forward despite the
emotional implications for the first slave, he should be certain that
one or both of the relationships will end, and probably end badly.
When considering a second, the Master must:
Determine why a second is needed or desired. Is it to fulfill a fantasy? To have more sexual options at hand? To help out the first? To become a mentor or trainer for someone else? None of these reasons are invalid. If, however, a second slave is desired because of "boredom" with the first, or because the Master wants to make a public statement about his prowess, the desire should be re-evaluated.
Determine his own capability. Does he have the time and energy to devote to a new trainee while still providing his first slave with the attention and training she needs? Does he have the income sufficient to create an environment of comfort for all? Can he provide for both slaves should something happen to him? Determine if the timing is right. For example, it may be easier to take on two slaves at once at the beginning of their training, and train them together, than to impose a new slave while the first is midway through training.
Discussion:
The Master should make his intentions known. He needs to discuss his desire with the primary slave, and allow her an opportunity to voice her opinion regarding the decision to take a second. If she has been properly forewarned, the discussion shouldn't deal with "whether or not," but with emotional issues and issues of timing, training and hierarchy.
The primary slave may be worried that she is not fulfilling her duty, that she has done something wrong or that she has displeased her Master in some other way. Care should be taken to reassure her this is not the case. No further steps should be taken until it has been determined that the primary slave feels safe in her relationship.
It is always helpful to consult with someone with greater experience. If the Master is fortunate enough to know someone who owns more than one slave, it would behoove him to arrange a time to discuss the situation with the other Master. Ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask them all. Focus more on the difficulties. The joys are easy. Ask where difficulties arise, how problems are solved, what the Master might have do differently if given the chance. Take the information that is applicaple and disregard that which is not. Questions/issues for discussion (with the primary slave or a mentor).
How will the primary slave deal with demands on her Master's time?
Traditionally, a "first wife," in cultures where men are allowed to have more than one, has more access to her husband's time and attention; the same can usually be expected in a BDSM relationship. If the first slave asks her Master how he intends to divide his time, it is a fair question and one the Master should be prepared to answer. What are the expectations in terms of sexuality? Who will have sex with whom and when? (Speaking generally, of course). Will the slaves be expected to have sex with one another? How does the Master intend to choreograph the sexual relationship?
How will the slaves' duties be divided?
Ideally, the addition of a second slave should relieve the first of some of the more mundane responsibilities. It doesn't sound like such a great deal for her if her Master is saying, "Great! Now I can get the house painted, too!" What areas of training will be delegated to the first slave (i.e. household management, hygiene, etc.?) How capable is the first of helping the Master in His training of a second
The Interviews
A canditate for the position of second slave should expect to be interviewed more than once. Initial interviews should be held in a nuetral location and should NOT include sexual contact. These things should be established during the first interview: The potential slave's name. (A full name is not necessary at this stage, and a cautious slave won't give hers.) Her marital status: Obviously, a married slave is not ideal and cannot take up permanent residence with you; however, many marriages in the BDSM community include one partner whose interests lean in that direction and another who accepts that. This is an option if you are looking for a "part-time" slave.
If the candidate says she is married, but that her husband is agreeable to the situation, reschedule the interview for a time when he can be present. The heirarchy in the Master's home should be presented to the candidate. From the initial contact, the Master should be clear and firm about His decisions regarding this issue. The slave candidate should be questioned as to why she would agree to become a second, especially if the Master has no plans to dismiss His first slave or wants a second for a long-term relationship. Remember, it is the rare female whose true desire is to be a second. If you find her, consider yourself extremely fortunate - your home will be far more harmonious.
Be certain the slave candidate is not suffering from extreme low self-esteem or entering into this position due to failures she sees in herself or in her former relationships. Beware the candidate who shows an immediate or over-eager interest in relocating; if she wishes to do so, and you agree to her training, the cost of her move should be her responsibility - at the very least you should determine that she is capable and willing to accept that cost before offering any financial aid.
- Again it's a 2 way street -
Come prepared. The candidate will likely be nervous and probably remember only about half of what you tell her. It is fair to provide her with a list of general information regarding her place as slave, one she can look at later when the interview has ended. Schedule as many interviews as necessary before allowing the candidate into your home or engaging in scene or sexual behavior. You should be absolutely certain about her motives and she has the right to be absolutely certain about yours before advances are made by either of you.
Even if you have not determined she is an appropriate candidate, the interviewee should be given a method by which to reach you should she change her mind about the next interview, or if something comes up that disallows her presence at the next interview. Until she is absolutely certain she is ready (and you are absolutely certain she is ready) you should not force her to give you a full name, address, telephone number, place of business or any information that could be used by someone whose motives threaten her safety. Your primary slave should not be a part of these interviews. While she may need your assurance of commitment to her, she should not consider it appropriate to interfere with your choices.
Assure your primary slave that no final decision will be made until you have watched the two of them interact. Remind her firmly, but lovingly, of the limits of her role in relationship to your decisions.
Initial Contact between interviewee and your primary slave:
Eventually you will need to introduce the candidate to your primary slave. This should be done only after you have determined the candidate to be to your tastes and ready for training as a second. If more than one candidate is in the running, all should be introduced, but not all at the same time. There is no point in forcing the candidates into a competition with one another in so serious a commitment decision.
No sexual contact should be demanded or expected upon the first visit. Prepare the candidate for what she will see before the introductory visit. You may keep a nude slave; you may have a home dungeon - the candidate should be told, in general, what to expect It is vital that your primary slave is on her best behavior during this encounter. She should be reminded beforehand, even if she already knows, that displays of jealousy, displeasure at your choice, haughtiness or the like will not be tolerated. (If that is something you expect, your relationship may not be ready to introduce a new slave.)
Equally vital is insuring the primary slave of her importance, especially when placed in a position where your attention will need to be focused elsewhere. She should be included in the entirety of this first home interview.
Your primary slave should:
Be expected to treat the candidate with the graciousness and deference any guest in your home deserves. (i.e. take the candidate's coat, offer refreshment, etc.) be clean, made-up, dressed or undressed to your specifications. exhibit the best of her training and be prepared to serve you as she always does A home interview over dinner is a perfect opportunity to observe the candidate for second. Your primary slave should be responsible for the meal, serve you as she always does, and serve your guest as she would any other. Watch how both interact and how the candidate behaves and take her cues. Does she offer to help your first with the meal or the clean-up? Does she take her cues at the table from you? Does she appear to be trainable in her form and in her manners?
Does she seem open to a relationship with your primary slave? The more informal home interviews should be conducted as often as you deem necessary before a final agreeement is reached and a contract is signed. At some point, the following things should happen:
At each home interview, the two slaves should have an opportunity to speak freely with one another. This should be done in your presence. Having already trained your primary slave, she should have no difficulty being open and honest with the candidate regarding her anticipatory excitement or fears about the upcoming addition to your household.
Observe the candidate for second and encourage her to express her feelings as honestly and openly - explain to her that this is a requirement and an attractive slave quality. Both slaves should be in the "kneel open" position for these conversations. The primary slave should be nude, and it is up to you how much time to allow the candidate before presenting herself nude as well. Obviously she will need to be prepared to do this before a final agreement is reached, just as she will likely need to have a D/s or sexual experience with you before signing a contract. (This is negotiable, and between the two of you.)
Encourage the slaves to speak freely and only interject when absolutely necessary. You want your slaves to feel comfortable with one another so they will work together beneficially. Your first D/s scene or sexual encounter with the candidate should also include both slaves, at least to a point. Several scenarios are possible, and it is up to you how best to integrate a second sexual partner. Ideally both parties should be as comfortable as possible, but both should understand their purpose. Your first should be prepared to assist where and when she can, and to retreat if that is your desire. Allow your first to "prepare" the candidate and present her to you. This encourages communication between the slaves, and provides them with a ritualistic format, which most slaves enjoy.
Your primary slave should attend the candidate in bathing, shaving, and making herself up in the manner you desire in a slave. Instruct the primary slave to make this a relaxing and comforting experience for the new slave. Sexual contact between the two of them is for you to determine, and should not be part of this ritual. The new slave's first sexual experience should be with you, for it will be to you that her sexuality is geared. Save any soapy-water fantasies about the two of them for another time.
Once the scene/sexual experieince begins, instruct your primary slave as to her role, be it participant or player. Do, however, make certain to allow the primary to watch from a distance at times. She will need to acclimate herself to the feelings associated with your attentions divided. Be sure to offer her time afterward in which she can discuss those feelings with you.
The above is only part of a very long lecture given by Lady Rose. If you have any questions regarding it please respectfully go to Yahoo and seek out Wiccan's Keep and look for Lady Rose.