�QUICK!� I yelled at Victoria in a frantic, breathless voice. �You have to help me; I�ve destroyed the main power supply of the Turlit system, but didn�t realise that there were two secondary power systems to back it up! Instead of shutting the entire system down it just set off the security alarms. Now I have two security cyborgs on my tail and no way to shake them off! I did try exploding them with my laser vision, but from the scrap metal, two new cyborgs formed, resulting in double the cyborg and triple the trouble!!!!!�
She stared at me. Whether cogs were turning behind her iron stare, I do not know. But she looked very agitated, and not even slightly inclined to help me. So I added, �If you�re not going to help me, can I at least use your phone to call for back-up?�
She let out and deep sigh and said in a tone seeping with boredom �Gee, Penny, I wish I could help, but... You know I have some, uh, cyborgs, interfering with,� - she gestured casually, waving her hand in the air - �power supply of the� uh, tut-tut system and can�t seem to - �
At this point in her excuse I heard something in the background, something that crashed down upon me in a wave of angered realisation. �Actually, Audrey, I think you shall find this is indeed NOT a beard-shaving bowl, but rather a beard-washing bowl, and from the patterns I gather it is from the late seventeen-hundreds - �
I exclaimed with as much rage an frustration as a drunken Scotsman too intoxicated to purchase any more beer, �YOU�RE BLOWING ME OFF TO WATCH ANTIQUES ROAD-SHOW?! AREN�T YOU?! AREN�T YOU?! Loooook at me!�
I could see the embarrassment slide behind her eyes; the guilt dancing upon her face. �NO, haha, uh, no,� she laughed nervously, while trying to use her frame to block my view into her house. �I�m just... Ya know, ahem,� She cleared her throat, obviously biding her time. �I�m just chilling with Leigh, doing a bit of homework, ya know, nothing, ah, nothing nerdy, or lame. Just - � At this point her cover was blown by the excited tones of Leigh yelling,
�Quick VICTORIA! They�re just about to say how much the beard-bowl is worth, and I have a feeling it�s pretty cheap! If you don�t hurry you�ll miss the old biddy�s feelings being crushed! CRUSHED like a bug! AHAHAHAH!� Her maniacal laughter rang through the hallways, dramatically emphasising the silence that followed.
I looked at Victoria. She looked at me. We both stood awkwardly in that embarrassed silence in which no one quite knows what to say. Finally she said, �You can use the phone in my room.�
I entered Victoria�s room, and noticed it had changed since last time. There weren�t as many shall we say... Sword fighting pictures? ...On the walls, for one, but I had to say the thing that had changed the most was the bed.
�Uh, Tori?� I asked. �Where�s your bed, and why is there a giant hole in the ground?�
�Oh, I spilt something on the carpet, and I knew all hell would break loose when mum found out... So I uh... Removed the evidence.� She finished, tapping her neck knowingly, as though she had hit the crux of the problem.
It was too stupid for words, but I had to persevere. �And has your mum seen this?�
�No she�s out.�
�You don�t think she�ll be...� I let the stupidity of the question finish itself.
�Oh, no,� she said offhandedly. �The way I see it, she�ll look in here and just figure the carpet is somewhere else...� she gazed at me with a big, moronic grin on her face. Then added as if it was the most beautiful, flawless, plan in the world, �...Stainless.�
�And where, exactly is your bed?�
�Sounds like you�re working for your bed, man - simplify.� With that she handed me a phone and went back to her precious Road-Show.
I dialled Ellen�s number all the while cursing the fact that Victoria was too lazy to ever put her super-powers to use. It was always me pulling the nation out of crisis time and time again while Victoria sat at home, rolling the dice and walking into walls and -
�Hello, Molly speaking." Someone - presumably Molly - had picked up.
�Hi,� I responded. �Is Ellen there?�
�One moment please,� she said in the very same poncy English accent that Ellen possessed
�Good evening,� answered Ellen after a short pause.
�Ellen, it�s Penny. I�m in trouble. You know our arch nemesis, Dough Hands Man? Well he invented a system... A Turlit system. I don�t have the time, nor the patience to explain to you inferior brain what this system does, so I�ll cut to the chase and tell you I decided to destroy it myself... Without the help of Rosie, Laura, Olivia or Ellen H. I couldn�t do it, and now I need your help. I�m at Tori�s and - � at this point she decided to interrupt me.
�WHY?!� She yelled with the rage of an English person whose dropped the last biscuit in their tea. �Why would you bring Victoria into this? She�s only semi-competent and - �
Now it was my turn to cut her off. �We don�t have to worry about Victoria. She�s watching Antiques Road-Show, that means she�s good for another hour. First she�ll finish watching it, then Leigh and herself will sit around for half an hour discussing the show in a similar manner to the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew after their job is done. But enough about that. Will you help me, or are you just going to sit there pip-pipping and Chim-Chimineying all day?�
There was a pause while Ellen tried to decipher the fact from the glamorous fiction in what I had said. She finally replied, �...Chim-Chimineying?�
I said with an air of embarrassment, �Okay, I don�t know if English people really say that... I saw it on this movie once�� I murmured a little lower. �Geez, always in your tower, nay-saying.�
�Okay, okay!� she said in a defensive tone. �I�ll help. What... Exactly, is your plan?�
This could only end badly. Time to use some of the classic Penny wit to save me from this situation, �Run now, talk later. Meet me at Victoria�s house.� I pressed the off button before she so much as had the time to say 'Cor Blimey.'
I dialled the home phone number for Laura, and as it rang I made myself at home in Victoria�s room; this meant
rummaging through her stuff. I found something on her table that appeared to be a typed up script; it was addressed to
Peter Jackson and called �Teh Lord of the Rings four." ...Obviously it hadn't been spellchecked. I flicked open to the
first page.
Teh Lord of the Rings Four.
Return of the Ring.
Fordo: OH NOES SLEEPY POTAETOE FACE! TEH ORCKS ARE COMING AGIN!!!
Sam(fat one): ARG, I'm so hung! I Have must have food now! Gollom, YOU ARE BACK?! WTF?!?
GOllum: FAT Hobbo, always eats cos he is fat. Yes, I crawled back out of Mt. Boom when all teh viewrs were looking
at teh pretty elf nancying about, and King with ye manly stubble.
Fordo: WAH! My feelings! taht must mean the ring is back! Look Samrietta, teh ring was on my neck all along??!?!?!
Grollum: HERE cum teh orcks and Logolass on his steed tolkein. Ride tolkein, ride your mighty warrior to -
"Hello, Laura speaking."
I tried to shake those nasty images out of my head as I heard Laura answer teh phone... I mean, the phone.
"Hello, Laura, it's your good buddy, Penny. Don't you wanna help your good buddy Penny out?"
There was a drawn-out sigh from the other end of the phone. "Penny," said Laura. "Is this about you trying to break into the rap industry again, because - "
"NO! ...No, that was a life-time ago, Laura; let it go. This is about something else. The Turlit system is up and operational. This means I need you to get to Victoria's house posthaste without any of this 'Wah, what is the Turlit system' crap. Can I count on you to do that Laura?"
The silence was painful. Alright, I knew Laura was going to be the hardest one to persuade. This was going to have to get ugly. "Laura," I said in a cool tone of voice. "I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you don't get your ass to Victoria's right this instant... I'm going to show the others the pictures of you at Intermediate Normal... The ones of you wearing... Culottes - "
"NO!" she interjected with panicked speed. "No, I'll be there. Just don't show them to anybody, okay Penny? Okay?" She pleaded. Man, I owned her.
"Okay, I'm giving you five minutes." The phone went dead as she had to hurry; her house was at least ten minutes from Victoria.
I dialled Olivia's number and threw the abortion of a script on the floor. The conversation with Olivia went the same way as usual. Olivia would pick up, say �Hello,� and I would state my name and business. Olivia would put on some obviously fake accent and say that I had the wrong number, Olivia doesn�t live here any more, stop calling or I�ll get the police... The usual. I would say the world was in crisis, thus winning over Olivia�s heart once more. Olivia would say she still hadn�t forgiven me for the time I accidentally ran over her flower garden. And when I say accidentally, I mean repeatedly. And when I say flower garden, I mean Chemistry project. Next phone call.
I dialled Rosie�s number. While the phone rang I moseyed on over to Tori's wardrobe and opened it - I don't think anything this side of hell could have prepared me from what I saw in there. I had to rub my eyes to make sure they were actually gazing at this miniature model of the big finale scene of Cats - you know, the musical. The attention to detail was fanatic, right down to the animated expressions on the actors' faces. "How..." I muttered aloud.
"Hello?" Questioned the unmistakable Scottish brogue of Rosie.
"... Entirely crafted of toilet paper..." I mumbled, still entranced by their tiny white faces.
"What the blethers are ye on aboot?" she questioned.
"Oh, sorry, this is Penny. I have a small favour to ask you. How soon do you think you can be in Palmerston if you leave Ashhurst now... And hurry?"
"I cannae get there ri' away, peha's aboot ten minootes?"
"Good, that's great...." I didn't have time to explain the predicament, and I didn't want to waste anymore time trying to understand her crazy lingo. I would have to change things, just a little, soley for the purpose of time conservation. "Because... you see, I'm throwing a surprise birthday party for Victoria, and we're just setting up at her house. She'll probably be here quite soon, so get here a fast as you can, okay?"
"ACH! What a horrible sitcheeation, I dinnae get her a presen'. I dinnae even ken it was her birthdae! I'll have ta make a quick stoop at the shoops - "
"NO!" I interrupted. "There isn't time, just change into your best clothes and get here as fast as you can. Au revoir, or whatever the hell it is you people say!" And without further delay I hung up, sniggering to myself that she would have to fight in her best outfit.
I looked at my watch. Not long; they would be here soon. I quickly punched in the numbers for Ellen H's house, and waited. ARG! No one was picking up, I would have to dial her mobile number. I flung open Victoria's top desk drawer in search of her phone book. I tossed the pieces of scrap paper away and tried to ignore her disconcerting selection of CDs like "Heart-Shaped Reich," "Songs to Swordfight to," "Hitler's Party-mix," "It's going to be a Joseph Stalin Christmas" and perhaps the most disturbing... "Sing along to Talk-back Radio." Finally I found it, and dialled Ellen's number, wondering if Victoria really had the phone number for Sir Elton John.
Ellen eventually answered. "Hello, Ellen here."
"Ellen, finally; I need your help now. Where are you?"
"I'm just driving home from ballet practice, but I can't talk long, as - �
"That's nice, stop talking," I said, losing my patience with these people and their demands. "I'm having problems: I tried to destroy the Turlit system myself, but something went wrong. I'm getting the McSuper-Best-Friends together at Victoria's house, and before you object, Victoria isn't actually participating. Questions?"
"Yea-"
"No? Gooooood. How far away are you?"
"I'll be there really soon, I'm on (Censored) Street now. But seriously, what is the Turlit system?"
"Can't talk, driving. See you soon." I hung up. That was a lot harder work than I thought it would be. I sure could have gone for a nap.
Ellen (H, that is) was true to her word, and was knocking on Victoria's door within a matter of minutes. Tori and Leigh were nowhere to be found, so I decided to step up to the role of man of the house, and let Ellen in myself.
"Good!" she exclaimed when I let her in. "Now that I'm here you can tell me what the Turlit system actually is," said Ellen with a look so hopeful it was almost adorable.
"No, we don't have time for that! Just shut-up and listen to what I need you to do. Since your power is the crappiest in a fight situation - "
"Hey!" Ellen butted in. "It isn't crappy!"
"For godsakes Ellen, digging holes is crappy! Stop living the lie and let me finish explaining." Her crushed expression told me she was going to truly listen now. "Here are the codes you will need to hack into the Turlit system main-frame. Once you're in, shut down both, I repeat, BOTH, secondary power supplies and try to do it without triggering any alarms. The computer is on in Victoria's room, ignore the hole in the floor, now GO!"
She just stared at me, then said, "What's a main-frame?"
"Ellen, what did I say about there being no time? GO!!!" I must have finally got through to her, as she snatched the codes out of my hand and headed in the direction of Victoria's room.
Just as I had ushered Ellen to Victoria room, I saw Laura pull up on her bike out front. She raced to the door, and to avoid having to explain I yelled at her "Yeah! You just keep racing, right into Victoria's room where you can help Ellen!" There was no falter in her stride and she headed to the bedroom. Her lousy power of �heart� would hardly be useful against cyborgs anyway. Ah well, maybe she or Ellen would fall in the hole. All wasn�t lost.
I gazed impatiently at the street. Where under God's domain was the other Ellen? I had rung her first, yet she still wasn't here. Probably doing some last minute chimney-sweeping or something gay like that. My train of thought was lost when I saw Olivia pull up in her cool-cool car. She walked over to me and just as she opened her mouth to say something I quickly said, "No time. Go inside and practice freezing stuff. Start with the tv."
"Are you going to at least tell me what's going on?" She questioned. I was beginning to think that all this time I used not explaining to the others what was going on was taking up somewhat more time than an actual explanation would. I balled my hands into fists.
"If you don't go inside and park down your keister, mister, you'll be getting a neck full of fist, that's what going on!" I yelled at her, and she headed - disgruntled - into the house. I surveyed the street once more. Ellen better have a damn good excuse for her tardiness.
Then I saw her. At first I didn't know I was seeing her. To tell the truth, at first I wasn't sure what I was looking at. However I became sure when she sauntered up Victoria's path and stared at me on the doorstep.
I peered under the large grey wizard's hat she was wearing to say, "Ellen. What... the.... hell?"
"YOU'VE BEEN FLANNAGANNED!" She exclaimed most jovially.
"This," I said. "This, is what's taken you so long to get here?"
She laughed goofily and chortled at my expense. "YES!" She cried pointing at me. "I had to buy the robes and find a hat, and you don't just find prime wizard staffs like this just lying around! But it was worth it just to see the look on your face... It looked something like this." She then pulled out a piece of paper she had prepared earlier, with a stick figure person saying "I am a loser."
The length of preparation she had gone to for this flannagan was almost commendable... Almost. I'm not sure what the expression I had on my face looked like, but it obviously wasn't a friendly one. I gathered this by the way Ellen's happy expression so quickly changed to fear as she cowered before me. I was too angry to say anything, which Ellen seemed to have gathered by the way she whimpered out, "I'll be inside," and fled to the sanctuary of the lounge, where I could hear her practicing.
It was a few more minutes before I saw Rosie's car pull up, the Scottish flag on it's bonnet blowing majestically in the wind. She ran up to the steps in her best tartan kilt and in her hands she carried some sort of cake.
"Here ya go, lucky me Mam alreadae had a caek prepared, ootherwis'-"
"No time!" I yelled and in a preoccupied state flung out my hand and knocked her cake to the ground. It flew through the air and landed on the pavement where it was reduced to crumbs.
"Ach! Ya wee scunner!" She cried.
"No talky!," I said less than politely. "There is no party, that was just a ruse to fool the feeble-minded! Come inside quick and I'll explain everything"
I hauled her into the lounge, where I drew her, Ellen and Olivia into a huddle. "Okay, Here's the thing: I've got security cyborgs hot on my trail and no way to shake them off, which means we're going to have to fight them. The only problem with that is when you destroy one, two more are created from it's vestiges. That's why I've got Ellen and Laura trying to shut down the power supply that is keeping them going; if we destroy the power supply, we destroy the cyborgs. That means all we have to do is keep them busy until Laura and Ellen have cracked those codes," I held my hand dramatically in front of me, going for a Mighty Ducks kind of hand wave. "Who's with me?!" I cried. This was followed by silence, and a lot of glances shared between the others.
"But..." said Olivia. "What does the Turlit system do?" The others nodded in agreement.
"That's irrelevant!" I cried, unable to fathom they were caught up in the details when any minute now we were about to be attacked.
There was another silence, when finally Ellen said, "That's a stupid plan. We might as well just dig our own graves, or vote Victoria for Prime Minister."
"Speakin� o' Victoria," Rosie chimed in. "Where is the Mudlin?"
"You don't question where Victoria is, Rosie," I told her knowingly. "You just be glad she isn't here. Anyway, do you have a better plan Miss 'practically perfect in everyway'?"
"I do," said Victoria as she casually joined our conversation. As casual as a g-string trying to pull off being boxers.
"Oh crivens," muttered Rosie.
"Right," she started her spiel, and we all buckled ourselves in for the long ride. "What we do is we fly over to England and we drop a nuclear bomb right in the middle of London. Then, we call up this "turlit system" and we say, 'Look. See what we did to England? Yeah, we did that to them and they're our friends. That's Ellen's home country!!! Hell, she's even helping us fight! Now, if we're crazy enough to do that to an ally, just think of what we could do to you.' I promise you they'll shut that system down so fast it will make your head spin. And if they don't, we just nuke Scotland to show 'em we're not messin' around."
We all just stood there; our mouths gaping like codfish; wondering how Victoria was passing 6th form, and why she had drawn a Hitler beard on herself. A distant popping noise could be heard in the background.
"Oop, that will be my popped-corn," she said. "Once again I pull all your asses out of a deadly scenario, eh? You don't have to say anything, the warm looks on your faces is what gets me through the day." With this she headed towards the kitchen.
We didn�t have time to so much as discuss an alternative plan, for at that moment the glass of the window in Victoria�s lounge was shattered and in the shards of glass landed the two cyborgs, wielding their mechanical arm blades menacingly. The first one lunged at me. I jumped back, and out of reflex lasers shot out of my eyes - flying shrapnel everywhere. I looked at the ground, and just as surely as I had known it would, the remains started to rebuild. The other cyborg headed towards Olivia and she held up her hand and ice shot out. �Haha!� I yelled gleefully. �The robot FROZE in its tracks!�
In the time it took me to yell that witty pun, two more cyborgs formed; one leapt at Ellen, where she was swinging her purse. Then with unexpected force she hit the cyborg�s head and it went rolling. Ellen yelled her usual cry of triumph: �Let go of my purse, I don�t know you!�
The remaining cyborg went for Rosie, who, using her super WWF wrestling powers, crushed one of Victoria�s chairs over its head.
�AHAHA!� I cried. �Three CHAIRS for Rosie!�
The battle waged on, the three of us pulling off brilliant moves in rapid succession. Always with myself finding a new and dazzling pun to add, but we couldn�t fight forever like this.
...Eventually we found ourselves at the end of our tether. Olivia stood with her arms wrapped around herself, shivering madly, Rosie was all out of wicked-insane moves to pull off, Ellen�s purse string had snapped and threatened to all but fall off, and my eyes stung so bad I was struggling to keep them open. That�s how I thought it would end, outnumbered 3 to 78, when all of a sudden the cyborgs ceased to move and clattered to the ground. I gazed around for an explanation.
A triumphant Ellen and Laura entered the room. �Thank God you guys are alright!� exclaimed Ellen. �We didn�t think it would take that long! But we finally managed to shut the Turlit system down.�
We were all about to give our kudos when Victoria sauntered smugly into the lounge. �Well,� she said. �My work here is done.�
We all gazed at her in awe for a second, until it all dawned on us in indignant rage that she wasn�t even present in the battle.
�But�� said a perplexed Rosie.
�You didn�t do anything!� I yelled at her.
�Oh didn�t I?� She said, with a look that truly seemed to suggest she thought she had done more than sit in the corner, eating pop-corn and watching us fight like we were some sort of bloody entertainment. I looked around at the others with my righteous ire building, only to see them looking at Victoria in adoration. Ellen started clapping very slowly, followed by Laura, and soon the others followed suit. Their slow clap broke out into full applause.
Once again my brute strength saves the day, only to have Victoria swoop in on all my glory. That wasn�t very sportsman like, but since I could see she really thought she had done something, I too gave her a brief applause. And as swiftly as the panic had flown into our hearts, it flew out once again with the same speed, leaving us to return to our normal lives.
But for how long?
Happy birthday, Penny.