PART ONE
A sudden explosion rocked the casbah! I grabbed Leigh�s shoulders and slapped her thrice about the noggin.
�What was that for?� she squealed.
�You were screaming!� I replied.
�No I wasn�t!� she veritably squeaked with indignance.
�Well, your mouth was open,� I retorted with savvy.
�It�s usually open,� contributed Victoria, �She hasn�t mastered nose-breathing. And also, how long are you going to be living in our house?�
�Just �till your parents get home� I said quickly. How could she know I killed them?
�Which might be a while,� I continued, �As I�ve killed them.�
Leigh and Victoria reacted with something akin to shock, but involving dancing about and yelling �Hello inheritance!�
�� with kindness,� I proceeded apace, �I gave them a round the world trip for their birthday,�
�Don�t you mean birthdays?� questioned Victoria, �They�re not twins, you know.�
Leigh and I grew uncomfortably silent and looked at the floor. Victoria�s eyes moved to the mantelpiece and along the row of photographic memories � a family portrait, a wedding photo, her parents early on in their courtship, her parents on a family holiday to the Coromandel as teenagers, her parents having a bath together as pre-schoolers, her parents emerging one after the other from their mother�s womb� her gaze settled finally on Leigh, chewing stupidly on the curtains.
�This explains a lot,� she said.
�Yes, it does,� I said comfortingly, �But don�t worry, papa William�s here�
Victoria burst into tears and ran to the wall socket with a wet fork. Leigh hung a foot above the ground suspended by half-digested drapes. I remembered with a start this story was meant to be about robots.
�Don�t worry,� said Courtney, sliding into the room astride her customised Basilisk, �They usually devolve into jokes at Leigh�s expense�
�And don�t forget me!� yelled Penny.
�Anyway, didn�t you start off with an explosion?�
Oh yes! There was an explosion, I recalled. But why? Was it just an excuse to give Leigh a well-deserved literary slapping, or where there dark forces afoot? Whatever was going on, I couldn�t involve the ladies.
�All right, girls,� I declaimed, �I�m going to go and find out what caused that explosion. No � don�t worry about me. Of course, there is a strong possibility that I will die on this mission, and you will not see me again until my eviscerated body washes ashore, drained of all bodily fluids,�
�Hur hur hur, kitty fall down,� said Leigh.
�No! Don�t try and stop me! And don�t try and follow - your weak, feminine forms could not withstand such trials and physical challenges as I am sure to face!�
Courtney exhaled softly and I fell over. Victoria raised an incredulous eyebrow (or �incredubrow�).
�Such physical challenges as not falling over, hambone?�
�I still don�t understand 90% of what you people talk about,� I yelled, slyly, �And anyway, you forget � ROBOTS DON�T HAVE BREATH.�
Laughing shrilly like the Fonz, I scampered from the room. The girls were distracted by a whine of distress from the dog.
�Ohhhh, Faye�s frightened of the ninety-foot magical snake� cooed Leigh.
�Phooey,� replied Courtney, �that dog�s frightened of everything.�
Outside, the storm clouds of evil gathered, voluptuously full of coming terror� and rain. I pushed through the gales and icy droplets of liquid horror as a myriad of images flitted through my mind (mostly of umbrellas). Was it just my imagination, or was a face forming in the clouds? A sinister, Oriental face? My God! It was all becoming clear! I had the answer. It was �
Suddenly, a man in a cloak jumped through a thin paper wall and dealt me a blow to the head. I collapsed back into his chest, only slightly aroused.
PART TWO
�William� William��
I awoke to the sound of the two most beautiful words in the English language singing in my head.
�That�s only one word, fucktard� said Leigh, with all the fevered rage of an addict in withdrawal. The attempt to break her addiction to moon pies by moving her onto penny whistles had only lead to an addiction to moon whistles and penny pies.
�So THAT�s what happened to Penny!� yelled Victoria.
�Leigh has four stomachs!� came a muffled voice, �Which means four times the hurting!�
�William� William�� called Courtney.
�He�s already awake,� snapped Leigh.
�Yes,� said Courtney, �But said twice it takes on a kind of strange poetry�.
�What happened?� said Victoria.
�I�m not entirely sure,� mused I, �I was hustling through the rain, when all of a sudden I passed this paper-thin wall��
�Oh, God,� said Victoria, �You didn�t fall for the old revived-Victorian-Adventurer-hiding-behind-Geisha-house-wall-on-street gambit?�
�So you actually saw him? You actually met Adam Adamant?� said Courtney.
�I did. And I�m proud to report I was only slightly aroused,�
�He�s so dreamy!� Leigh whispered.
�Oh, Adam!� swooned Courtney, �I�m going to marry that man!�
�Not if I distract you with this kitty!� Leigh challenged, thrusting the cat into Courtney�s face triumphantly, �Now you�ll - Hur hur hur. Kitty has whiskers!�
Taking Victoria�s arm in a vice-like grip, I lead her from the room to discuss the matter further.
�Get your pansy-ass fingers off my arm,� she said, �Or I�ll tense up the guns and snap em� off,�
I was ready to ignore her instruction with maximum force when she exhaled softly and I fell over.
�Now, what is it you wanted to talk about, chump?�
Believing Victoria to have called me �champ�, I gave her a dollar and my official seal of approval.
�Well, I think I know what�s going on. You remember Chapter Two?�
�Is that the one where I totally rule, or the one where Leigh�s totally weird?�
�Yes,� I said, �Well, the sins of our pasts are coming back to haunt us. And by �sins�, I mean �robot-related adventures�. And by �our pasts�, I mean �your past�. And by us, I mean �a group of people collectively�� as is the usual meaning of the word.�
�I see,� said Victoria. She didn�t.
�What did you do with the Courtneybots and the Agent Smithbots after riding into the sunset with Courtney for a lesbian tryst?�
�I think you�re reading too much into this, William� said Victoria.
�We all have our dreams,� I replied, �Often involuntarily while napping on the couch,�
�Well, erm�� horror dawned upon her physiognomy, �We just left them there!�
�Exactly!� I exclaimed, �And you know what happens when two types of robot enter a state of massive bee-arousal?�
�Total molecular breakdown creates a biological-metallurgic synthesis causing non-organic evolution to spontaneously occur?�
�� no,� I lied.
�Are you sulking?�
�� no,� I lied again. Victoria sighed. She knew how utterly wrong she had been.
�What does happen?� she said. I spoke quickly, panic illuminating my rugged man-features with a Mortensen-esque sheen:
�Total molecular breakdown creates a biological-metallurgic synthesis causing non-organic evolution to spontaneously occur!�
Victoria looked strangely unmoved.
�Which means� they�ve evolved!�
�Into what?� Leigh�s cooler sister asked, tremulously, �And incidentally, nice use of �tremulously�,�
�Thanks,� I said, �And I don�t know. But whatever it is, I know we have to kill it - it must be something unspeakably evil!�
Victoria met my gaze.
�You mean� Leigh?�
I shook my head.
�Well, can�t we kill her anyway?�
�Oh, Victoria,� I smiled, �You�re good-hearted. But our first priority must be the Courtney-Smith-Beebot hybrid. In whatever foul, demonic form it has assumed��
In the lounge, kitty looked up from her kitty throne and yawned, exposing row after row of sharp metallic teeth�
�I�m glad we got kitty braces,� said Leigh, �Now when she grows up she�ll be able to land herself a man,�
�And just look at those pins!� admired Courtney, �She certainly is a fetching dish,�
�She�s like a feline Mr. Darcy� sighed Leigh.
And they both fell into a romantic reverie�
� unaware of the figure lurking outside the window, mouth filled with row after row of sharp, metallic teeth�
�I�m so glad we brought that hobo braces,� said Courtney, �He certainly is a fetching dish,�
�He�s like a feline Mr. Darcy� sighed Leigh.
And they both fell into a happy hobo daydream.
While outside� something was waiting�
�You already established it was a hobo,� said Courtney, �And your attempts to end this part suspensefully are frankly pathetic,�
PART THREE: Return to the Space-Time Locus
We sat in the lounge drinking Baileys as Victoria and I explained the great danger we were in.
�I don�t understand why you�re in any danger,� said Courtney, �We didn�t even know you during chapters 1-5. And, as I think about it, there�s something frankly pathetic about you trying to climb on board and contribute to something we were sick of two years ago,�
�Are you quite finished?� I asked.
�Yes,� Courtney replied, and I had my cue to burst into tears.
�The point remains,� said Victoria, �That if we don�t act, something terrible is going to happen,�
�Not my vampire porn!� Leigh wailed, �Please, Cruel Overlord of the Robot Kingdom! Take my anime, take my Japanese rock music, take my sister, just don�t take my vampire porn! And even if you do take my vampire porn - take my sister!�
�Look, gang,� I began, �Here�s they way I see it: I rule, and anybody who thinks otherwise has crap for brains,�
�Seconded!� I agreed.
�Thank you,� I said in receipt.
�And if there�s one thing we have to avoid at any cost, it�s me being harmed in any way. Now, since I obviously live here now (since Bruce Wayne turned the Batcave into a sanctuary for rare lizards; see Detective Comics #486) whatever danger this is also affects me. Which makes stopping it far more important than if, for instance, only you three were to be killed,�
�He makes a good point, yo� said Leigh, making it clear why she was my favourite. Then Victoria gave me back my dollar and the balance of power shifted once again.
�I�ve got it!� said Courtney, �The space-time locus!�
I shot her a glare so chilling P-Diddy himself looked up from a heap of cocaine-covered bitches and said, �Yo, that�s chillin��.
�I�ve got it!� I said, �The space-time locus!�
�Wait one moment,� said Victoria�s nerdier sister, �I remember that damn locus. It didn�t make any sense, and nobody got the deux ex machina joke,�
�I did!� I said, �� admittedly because you explained at it the end,�
Courtney turned to Leigh with a look of ribald amusement.
�Hey, wasn�t that when you were calling everybody fag all the time?�
�Only you, and repetition rendered it hilarious,� said Leigh, by way of riposte, �And what�s with the look of ribald amusement?�
�I�ll ribald your amusement,� muttered Courtney.
Wary of an imminent neck-punching bout, Victoria shivved them both in the ribs and proceeded:
�We think that maybe the secret is in the locus. Or perhaps of the locus,� she said sagely, her wise nodding belying the crapulence of her grammar, �And in order to find out what has happened to the various �bots, one of us will have to journey into its mystical realm,�
�I will go!� I said, �As long as Leigh enters first to face any killing that may be happening,�
�You, sir, are a white man,� said Courtney appreciatively.
�You�re half-right,� I replied.
Courtney flicked some hair out of her eyes and, impressively, into Leigh�s. She levelled me with a steely look like two tiny helicopters flying up the side of a mountain, then stopping and deciding to return to town for some gelato.
�And what are we doing to do while you�re in the locus/m?� she said, �Whatever it is, it better include looking at myself on film,�
�That�s exactly what I want you to do,� I replied.
Courtney looked like all her Christmases had come at once, and they were all David Tennant wearing only a festively coloured ribbon.
�Go on,� she said, trying to concentrate.
�Well, Courtney, I believe that somewhere in those short films made by you, Victoria and that other one, there must be some visual record of the creature - or creatum - we�re tracking. You need to watch yourself on those films over and over and over again until that thing becomes evident,�
I looked up, appalled to see salty tears rolling down Courtney�s face.
�Courtney,� I said, �You�re� crying!�
She glanced at me briefly before once more skipping back the DVD so she could watch her name appear on the credits again. Her lower lip was trembling and her eyes gleamed with strange, fragile emotion.
�This must be what the earthmen call� love,�
�Victoria,� I said, �You look for the creature. Leigh, it�s time,�
�Time for pudding?� Leigh said eagerly.
�Yes,� I replied, �Then, after that and maybe some Ludo, we�re hitting that locum.�
I turned and regarded my retarded compadres with something approaching fondness, but still very far away from it.
�All right,� I declared manfully, �It�s time to get busy.�
�� fag� said Leigh.
�Shut up, yo,� I said and, as Victoria shivved her in the ribs, we turned and set off onto our great journey into the unknown. And pudding. And probably some Ludo.
PART FOUR
Victoria peered closely at the televisual monitor, knitting her brows (into an attractive Hufflepuff scarf she intended to present to Penny on her next visit to Leigh�s third stomach) and clicking her tongue. Click! Click!
�Stop that clicking, peasant,� admonished Courtney, �I was saying something important about big televisions. Great Caesar�s Ghost! Now I�m going to have to watch that part again, eighteen times,�
Courtney could barely suppress a ribald jig. She hit reverse and the picture rolled back. Victoria suddenly gasped, and Courtney could understand why. Was it possible she was even more impressive going backwards? Yes. Yes, it was.
�You ekil I �uoy truh ot gniog m�I,� said Courtney, taking her jig into saucy reverse.
�Stop!� yelped Victoria.
Courtney sighed. As usual, Victoria�s feeble mind had failed to grasp how totally awesome her haircut was.
�Wait! Go forward a bit!� said Victoria.
�Ecaps morf stit fo llab yknuf a saw ti desilaer I�
�Stop it, slag,� threatened Victoria, �� I will cut you,�
Courtney lifted the edge of the half-Opera mask she had taken to wearing of late and ran her fingers across the hard, crooked ridges that marked the scar tissue. Victoria was a violent drunk, even when sober, which was all the time.
�Sorry, Victoria,� she said.
Victoria nodded, honour satisfied, and pausing the image, pointed at the screen.
�Look! We�ll do this frame by frame. Who�s that in the back seat, far left?�
�Why, that�s you, silly,�
�And in the passenger seat?�
�Why! That could only be an angel, fell from �,� Courtney caught Victoria�s eye and remembered that night beneath the Paris Opera House, �That�s me,�
�And driving?�
�Oh, you know, that�s old Curly Joe� you know� that blonde one? Isn�t she a friend of yours?�
�Uh� I think we might have gone to school together,�
�She doesn�t look like the schoolin� type,� commented Courtney, �Check that ravenous appetite for seatbelts and shammy leather upholstery,�
�Anyway, all three of us present and accounted for, correct?�
�Correct,�
Victoria turned to Courtney with bulging eyes and mouth agape: �Then who�s holding the camera�?�
�
�Tom Marvolo Riddle!� suggested Courtney happily.
�No, no, no� said Victoria, �Tom Marvolo Riddle was in Wanganui that weekend, for the badminton championships,�
�I guess he was a little too evil for the goodminton championships!� laughed Courtney with ribald amusement.
So ribald, indeed, that she barely noticed as Victoria slammed her into the wall with a well-flung fan belt and, in a well critiqued example of lazy literary convention, everything went black�
PART FIVE
�William� William��
Courtney awoke to the sound of the two most beautiful words in the English language singing in her head.
�My name is �Courtney�,� said Courtney, �You total tard-depository� although, said twice, it does take on a kind of mystical lustre,�
�I thought you guys were in the locum,� quizzed Victoria, quizzically.
�Nah,� I replied, �We�ve spent the last two hours in the kitchen eating pudding,�
�William won�t leave until he wins a game of Ludo,� said Leigh.
�It�s just a matter of principle,� I interjected, �The principle of Ludo,�
�You are aware Leigh is the Ludo World Champ? Of this and many other worlds�� said Courtney, who by now had recovered enough to locate her reflection in the wall mirror and was using the subsequent good vibes to assist her revivification.
�What other worlds?�
�Fojar and Mungor,� said Leigh.
�Those aren�t worlds! Those are moons! Moons known only to Johnny Depp,�
�Well, they could kick your ass at Ludo. Except possibly travel-sized Ludo� you can�t fit a moon in a car,�
�Then a moon in a car it shall be!� I announced, �Come, Leigh � to the moons of Depp!�
�I thought you were going to the time-space locum,� said Victoria.
�William Muirhead doesn�t walk away from no imaginary moon,� I said, �Especially not when it won�t fit in no car,�
It was a noble speech, befitting of my station as group tard-depository. Gathering Leigh up in a book of carpet samples, I turned again to wave goodbye.
�Catch you on the flip side, ladies� the flip side of the moon,�
Without waiting to see how their expressions of contemptuous revulsion would turn into those of gigglesome awe, I swept out of the room and headed for the Magic Lamp of Kukundo.
�Goodminton!� shouted Courtney suddenly, with a lusty guffaw. So lusty, indeed, that she barely noticed Victoria slowly cross-breeding several species of spider, raising their children to obey her every order, have them weave a deadly web all around Courtney until only her nose was exposed, then give her the choice between suffocation and drinking some poison through her nose, and then slam her into the wall with a well-flung fan belt.
Courtney was still laughing when everything went black �
Victoria leant down to collect up all her spiders, intending to bake them into a pie to feed to a wild dog. Her spindly fingers brushed against Courtney�s alabaster neck. She could not help but notice the way Courtney�s opened lips sparkled in the dim light, or the slight heaving of her chest as she struggled for breath. Victoria realised she had never been so close to a woman before and, indeed, that perhaps she herself was only now becoming a woman. She leant closer, closer�
I woke up on the couch, horribly confused and not a little titillated. But back to the story!
When Courtney awoke, it was in a place she�d never seen before. Beautiful flowers sprouted from patches of dark nothing, only to be eaten by snakes with the face of Draco Malfoy. After eating the flowers, the snakes then attacked an Ent with the face of Rupert Grint and strapped it on the rack, stretching his limbs until he made pathetic ginger crying noises. Then the snakes kissed each other with the face of Draco Malfoy. It was like some beautiful dream.
In the distance, she saw a gleaming tunnel of light. Preferring the dark, she told the tunnel to shut up. When it didn�t respond to her verbal commands, Courtney saw no option but to give it the thrashing of its tunnel-y life.
�I�ll get that tunnel if it�s the last thing I do,� she told a strangely dressed cactus as she passed it.
�Malkovich. Malkovich,� said the cactus.
But the tunnel wasn�t a tunnel at all. It was a totally wicked shining door in space.
A gaunt figure dressed in white stood in front of the shining door in space. Behind the door appeared to be a box of candies. Was this fabled candy universe of which she�d heard tell? Or just a box of candies in space? The figure, as if sensing her unease, ate some taffy. This wasn�t hugely helpful, but it ate it in a highly sympathetic manner, like this:
�Mmm mmmm, good taffy� I�m sorry� I love taffy� I feel for you� my mouth is full of sweet taffy� poor old you� taffy!�
Courtney decided, completely reasonably, that if ever a neck-punching was required, it was now. Also, every time she saw Leigh.
Leigh and I, meanwhile, were standing in Spare Oom in the presence of the mighty lamp. Amongst its magic abilities was the power to transport you instantly to any fictional moon of your choosing. But more importantly, you could also SWITCH IT ON AND OFF JUST BY TOUCHING ANY METAL PART OF IT! TOTALLY SWEET!
�If it�s so totally sweet,� chipped in Leigh from her comfortable resting place between some shag carpeting and some woollen underlay, �Why don�t you just marry it?�
�All right then�� I said in a husky whisper, �I will��
END OF CHAPTER SIX