...Except maybe her publisher. And her editor and 'best friend' Sue... Though Sue is now rumoured to be chained down in Traci's basement, screaming TYPO! TYPO! OH NO GOD, DON'T DO IT! DON'T - OH, CHRIST, YOU JUST WROTE 'IT WAS JUST A DREAM... OR WAS IT?!', DIDN'T YOU? BURN IN HELL, HARDING! I HOPE YOUR CHILDREN ARE ILLITERATE! BURN!!!!"
But I've been reading Traci's books for about six years. If there's anyone else who has read The Ancient Future - all 670 pages - thirteen times (other than Sue the editor, who obviously is forced to read it down in the basement every day, or lose her pudding and pants priviledges) then boy howdy, I'd like to hear from them. I feel more than qualified to write this little review. In fact, open your copy of the mostly-unfortunate, final follow-up to The Ancient Future, The Cosmic Logos. Turn to the Acknowledgements. See that list of Traci's internet groupies that she's thanking? OH yeah. That Leigh is me, baby. Me! I was forced to join the real world shortly before the publication of that book, but nonetheless, that's my name there.
In fact, when I logged into my account at Traci's website it was the first time in many long years - well, maybe a single year. Not because my obsessiveness has dwindled over the years, oh no (tell that to Johnny Depp! If you can get within two hundred metres of him, because I sure can't! Also, if you do tell him that, please remind him that I love and am still willing to have his Depplets). The sad truth is that it poor Mrs Harding has fallen off the precarious track of charming fantasy/horror stories, and into that bottomless bit of literary self-indulgence. She joins such presitigous women horror writers as Laurell K Hamilton (whose last novel was about 450 pages of metaphysical pornstar sex, 50 pages of the heroine bitching, and maybe a hundred of actual plot) and Anne Rice (who blasted Amazon.com reviewers for daring to give her bad reviews, with the words "your stupid arrogant assumptions about me and what I am doing are slander"). Please pay attention Traci, and be assured that I still love some of your books and respect you as a person. Because when I logged into my account today and read one of the more recent 'newsletters', it was abundantly clear that you may have lost your mind. Think of this as a plea from an old fan: STOP IT, STOP IT, WE'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Traci's spiritual journey is apparent to all who read her books. The fantasy themes begun in The Ancient Future evolve nicely, reaching their own extreme version throughout all the rest of Traci's works.
Let's try The Cosmic Logos, shall we? Guess what, dooders. Turns out this time-travelling, ass-kicking, saving-the-universe heroine we've been hearing so much about... Is none other than an incarnation of Traci from an alternate dimension! Zing! Now, as her final task, our dear heroine must impart her life's story to our faithful author, thereby forcing the authoress TO WRITE HERSELF INTO THE STORY. Is this, or is this not, taking the concept of metafiction a little too far? Sources say: IT IS. Or, to phrase it differently: get back in the motherfucking tv, you well-dwelling bitch.
I guess that comment doesn't really apply here, seeing as it refers to The Ring, but the sentiment rings true. (Hahaha, RINGs! And I didn't even do that on purpose! I am a comedic giant!)
Next piece of evidence: Ghostwriting. It's a very nice idea to write a story for each of your beloved friends. It's a even a nice idea to base your characters on them, although you might be faulted for making those characters... Well, let's just say they're pining for the Fjords. But writing a book of ghost stories, starring your friends and family... And the stories conclude with our spectral friends finding their way into the spiritual light, breaking the limbo and moving into the hereafter... One might use the words "happily ever after". Well, that's a little... Dumb. I'm surprised it got published.
I am, however, even more surprised and appalled by Book of Dreams. This fine novel I've only read a single time. First sign of warning? THE COVER. I put THE COVER in caps because it's sort of like THE BLOB. I mean, you can't judge a book by its cover, right? Right. But you can sure as fuck judge it by THE COVER. Walk, don't run, from THE COVER. Thank you, 'Mo Hine', for designing this. It made my eyes bleed, and not in that quasi-cool, goth-vampire-movie way, or the indie-cool, Tarantino no, you've just got blood in your eyes way.
I'd scan you a copy of The Abomination itself, but unfortunately the ol' HP Scanjet ain't up to the task. I tried, but ye cannae go beyond the laws of physics! I just can't do it, cap'n! I DON'T, HAVE, THE POWER! Sufficient to say, the cover is adorned with hideous pixel creations - supposedly mystical animals made with the power of science! Frankenstein's monsters... AND TWICE AS FUCKING UGLY! Aww... Traci, honey, your book sales were down? I see... And did you LOOK at this book before they published it?
But that's not as bad as it gets. You thought I was joking up there about the 'it was just a dream!' thing, right? I mean, your English teachers always told you, 'Carpe diem, boys!' and 'For chrissakes, if you little scumbags ever use that phrase I will have your balls for earrings and your fallopian tubes for necklaces'. And you all, boys and girls alike, chortled because hey - no one is stupid enough to actually do that, right? WRONG. Traci did it. Well, technically, she used the words, "It was all fiction". Because, haha, it's the BOOK of DREAMS, guys. THE BOOK OF DREAMS! (Ideally, that line would be accompanied by the sound of my own hysterical laughter, promptly followed by the sound of my skull going right through the wall in protest of the way my brain had just been abused. Then some struggling sounds as I tried to get my head free.) I mean, don't worry. She does cover what actually happens in a summary. That's why there's a short epilogue, man - which tells us that DREAMS COME TRUE! Thanks Trace. Thanks for making me waste four hundred and seventy pages of my life before I got to that stunning little conclusion.
You can see why I hadn't visited her website in a while. However, I am not one to give up easily. In fact, I give up very badly, if at all. I mean, once this cruiseliner I was on hit this fucking wicked iceberg, and I thought I was gonna die, man, but then I got told to never - wait, that wasn't me. That was Titanic. Still, I don't do the whole giving up thing very well, and I thought I would check to see if Traci had somehow come to her senses and written a new, better book.
Turns out I was wrong. For the newsletter was an eye-opener in itself. It's mostly run by Traci's internet groupies, and it's apparent they think she's The Shit instead of just... Well, you know. I don't really have to follow through with that wordplay, do I? I'm sure you can work it out for yourselves. Traci in fact has an internet KINGDOM. Not just a message board, people - a KINGDOM. (cough cough fandom cough cough) And guess who's the queen? That's right. Queen of the fine kingdom of Trazling. It gets better: recently, in Traci's own words, she was approached by someone to ask if she was "interested in writing some kids books". Traci's response? "Immediately I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to write �the Tales of Trazling� that you all have been saying I should write since our realm came into being." That's right. Traci wanted to write a bunch of stories about her INTERNET GROUPIES. I mean, I thought only writers on fanfiction.net did this to boost their popularity. BZZZZZ! WRONG AGAIN, PUDDING FACE! Not surprisingly, although her agent "loved the idea", someone somewhere along the way did not in fact have their vision clouded by the big spiritual lovehearts in their eyes. "It seems that these Tales were not right for the project I was approached about," Traci says. But don't worry guys, because she continues, "but I shall be pitching the idea to others."
That's not the only horrifying thing that was in this newsletter, chickadees, and here's where it gets really fucking ugly. Way down in this newletter, which I must confess I skimmed my way through since they were all babbling about 'Trazfest', which I can only imagine is either their pagan holiday to the goddess Traci, or just a regular big meet and greet for Traci's fans... Way down, we come across this title. 'The Last Wave Goodbye: A Channelled Peace...Via ShaMandala'. Oh, I think. A channeled peace, eh? We've got some dead person reaching from beyond the grave to bring the word to the Traci groupies! Awesome. So check out the first paragraph, my friends:
Oh yeah. The channeled 'last wave goodbye' of a Tsunami victim! I mean, I would've thought her last 'wave' was "the angry waters of the Indian Ocean [which] stormed through the walls", as described by 'ShaMandala.' But apparently not. I think I speak for us all when I say, holy mother of god, and king hell fuck, too.
There's just one more thing to relate, and you should've known this was coming: the poetry
section. I mean, this thing speaks for itself, so I'm going to leave you with a selection
in this review. These poems can be traced back to Traci's newsletter. I certainly don't want
credit. But if this isn't a good case for Traci's insanity, I don't know what is. Perhaps
her spiritual journey has led her to be content without booksales, but mine sure has hell
hasn't. And so from one unenlightened and formerly-devoted reader: TRACI HARDING WAKE UP.
WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!! I hope your forthcoming book, Gene of Isis, is much better.
Thank you.
Thank You To Our Queen!
My life was a wasted thing,
I was on the edge of ending it all.
And then my life turned around,
When into my hands a book did fall.
The book was "The Alchemist's Key",
And it showed me how life can change.
One moment it can seem there is nothing,
And then events may turn strange.
This artist of the written word,
Had me enthralled from there.
I read more and more of her books,
And I found my life I could bare.
I was taken on a grand adventure,
And found an escape from reality.
I say that her books have helped,
But in truth they have set me free.
So now I wish to say thankyou,
To this artist that has helped me so.
You have helped so many people,
You�re a marvel that the world should know.
By Jarrad
The Gathering - Trazfest
In a time and place of their choosing
They gathered for a feast
They ate and drank the time away
No cares in the least
Then amongst the gathering
There came a murmured cry
I do believe she�s coming - ITS HER
She walked right by
Past adoring fans
And right up to the stage
Where the applause of all those gathered
Went on for an age
When finally all was quiet
She spoke both loud and clear
I cant believe that you all came
I�m oh so glad your here
And the people gathered round her
Giving and receiving love
The energy fantastic
to the gathered guides above
They came away inspired
And dared to follow dreams
And the one who had inspired them
Continued with Isis Genes
By Disy
An Amazing Place
We are a family
We like to look out for our own
We like to be there to help them out
Whenever they might feel alone
We have been here for many years
Although we may not know everyone by face
We yet still do know each of them
More personally and intimately
Because of this amazing place
We were brought together here
From many walks of life
Some are young and some are old
And some are in between
But how many years you�ve lived here
Never seems to matter
As it's not how much time you�ve had that counts
It's what you�ve made of it
For we do not judge a person
By their age, colour or beliefs
As we wouldn�t like to be judged that way
So why would we do it to you?
So if you ever come upon this place
You will be welcomed with open arms
As we bear you no bad intent
We simply ask that you respect us
Because if you don�t, we�ll set the zoogas on you
And trust me when I say
That�s something you don�t want
By Eddie