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Lestat Vs Goku
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In this day and age there are a great many injustices about. We have to accept that children die everyday from starvation, that America is slowly taking over the world, and that there will be no fourth Lord of the Rings movie. However one injustice we don�t have to swallow is the idea of Goku beating Lestat in a fight. To even be able to comprehend this situation, we must first give the term "beat" a more attainable meaning (and then never come back to it). For Lestat to be beaten, he must be rendered soulless. For Goku, he must be sent into another dimension.
Now let�s discuss flair. Flair, as we all know, is an essential component of any death match, thus explaining the victory of the Queer Eye crew over the bruised and bloodied corpses of the remaining Beatles, and the time Neo revoked Morpheus� pudding privileges, and his pants privileges. (Please note: School sucked that week).
Which begs the question: who has the most flair? Which begs the answer: Lestat. I mean Goku? Pretty dowdy. Pret-ty dowdy. And Lestat? Whoa baby, hold on to your breath and your toup�e, cause here it is: BIG DIFF. Oh yeah, you heard me. Big Diff. About as big as the diff between Justin Timberlake and Kurt Cobain, and Saint Kurt is dead baby, that�s god damn right. And what the hell are kids these days doing out of school and all up ons on my lawn? I think if you ask yourself these simple questions, you�ll find your cold, cold heart thawing towards our hero the Vampire Lestat, and freezing like an unforgiving pavilion of solid steel against that cowardly ham-statue Goku.
Moving along, the next important question we must ask ourselves is: who likes dolphins more? And it�s goddamn not Lestat, oh no, Lestat once ate a dolphin raw, and the cook was all like but sir, can�t we at least kill it? And what�s more, it was in this really faggy accent. And Lestat (in his own, somewhat less faggy accent) replied HELL NO BITCH, I WANNA HEAR IT SCREAM!
And what has Goku been doing in the meanwhile? Well, if you don�t count desperately trying to catch Lestat�s eye to say hey dude, and then waving at him and now getting no love back, and feeling like a total asshat, our "buddy" "Goku" was petting a dolphin under the table. I�ve got pictures.
(I�m not even going to go in to Lestat�s ability to blow up people with his mind. Mind bullets, baby.)
On second thoughts, I am so going into that. That rocks. That rocks so hard it rocked my socks right off, and then it needed something else to rock, so it found a casbah and rocked that. Hell yeah.
So Lestat can do that. And what, one asks, can Goku do? The answer is simple, and comes as no surprise to any 'DBZ-II: Ape Escape' devotee such as myself: these big, stupid energy blobs of old chewing gum that he uses to float into the sun, or something. I mean, what the crap? I can go to the sun any time I like: by WALKING. Great power, buddy. Senator Palpatine. So at this point you might be saying, wait, Goku can blow stuff up too, right? The answer: not really. I mean, tell me you haven�t noticed how every time Lestat totally blows someone up (often for offences as petty as opening a window), all the girls line up on the right for making out, and all the guys line up on the left for high-fives. Or something like that. Conversely, every time "Goku" (if that is indeed his real name) blows something up, someone always yells "Hey buddy, you blow stuff up like a girl!" and then some chick totally runs out and says "Yeah, you blow stuff up like me!"
Funny how when you really think about things like this, they seem so much less subtle than when you see them on TV through your comforting screen of ignorance and Dorito haze.
And here it comes, sucka, that�s right, here�s the clincher: who resembles Peter Pan the most? Oh yeah, you heard me. LESTAT, buddy, and his recipe for margaritas. Lestat, like our friend Peter Pan, spends most of his time flying, but sometimes he stabs. Goku, like our friend Helen Clark [note: Prime Minister of New Zealand], once filled some guy�s desk with spaghetti. In an ultimate battle, who would YOU be backing?
Oh man, this evidence is so conclusive it�s giving me chills. The coooooold kind. So in a battle to the death, I believe that Lestat would fly in on his motorbike right over Goku�s head, and then when Goku was looking around and all, "Where the hell�d you go?" Lestat would catch him in a huge net and dangle him over the sea. Then Goku would plead like a little girl, trying to distract Lestat so he could use one of his so-called energy bubbles to float into the warm safe haven of the sun. But Lestat would not be fooled, because his green scarf makes his brain work faster than anyone�s ever, except maybe Stephen Hawking, and who listens to that dude anyway? He never beat up anyone except Axel Rose, and everyone�s whupped ol� Axel once or twice, am I right? Okay, back to the fight.
In conclusion, the evidence is clear that, should push come to shove, eyebrows to love, beetles to Beatle-mania (or, indeed Beetlejuice) the victor would certainly be Lestat. In fact, I believe that any such battle would undoubtedly conclude with Lestat wiping off the Bolognese sauce with a sassy cry of triumph (most likely "Beans!") and disentangling the parachute cord, then eating Goku�s greasy ashes to gain his superpowers. I don�t know what would happen to the donkey, but then one can�t know everything, can one?
In double conclusion, I would like to state that Lestat rules, Goku drools and Harry Potter is the greatest series ever written entirely by robots.
Tune in next week for: Louis, better then Lestat? Yes. Yess sirree Bob.