A Salute To Groundskeeper Willy

By Leigh

(revised for Chaff, March 2006)


I thought about writing a stirring feature for Chaff. You know, the kind of thing that would be appreciated by all student-kind, highlighting one young woman�s struggle with the issues that face her daily � things like alcohol, sex, difficult assignments, and being chased by a vicious turtle. Then I remembered that I am ill-equipped to write about these things because I don�t actually deal with any of them. (Except the turtle.) However, I did have this dream about Groundskeeper Willy which got me thinking.

School janitors are rarely appreciated. Sure, for the most part they�re creepy, middle-aged weirdos � like the one who gave my friend Courtney a ruler when we were fourteen, presumably because he wanted to elope with her. Or the man who gave my sister candy all the time in highschool, presumably because he wanted to elope with her.

Haha. You two have janitor-cooties.

�What was I saying? Oh, yeah. School janitors are rarely appreciated. Sure, they might spend all their time chasing you with a broom and shouting at you to give back their pants � and their dignity, which, let�s face it, was taken long before you came along and can never be restored � but who really stops to think about their contribution to society? Well, just think on this: without the school janitor (or �groundskeeper�) the youth of our community would be wallowing in their own filth. And I mean more filth than they already wallow in. Not just scrunched up paper notes saying things like �Olivia loves Bryan and I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll�, or wads of chewing gum so large they may have come from the mouths of Titans, or even � brace yourself � discarded prepaid cards. I mean that they would probably be arse-deep in failed alien autopsies.

Keeping this in mind, I would like to voice a salute to these kings of cleaning by uniting them under the one great symbol they have today in popular culture: Groundskeeper Willy. Oh, Willy. You have much to teach us about Scotchtoberfest, red tractors, bonny lasses, and grease.

Willy is versatile. He can tend both the inside and the outside of Springfield Elementary, that monument to learning. He can liberate dogs from the ventilation system (something I personally have a chronic problem with) and rescue turtles from the peril of fire (something my sister�s turtle, Snappy McBiterson, has a chronic problem with and of course that has nothing to do with me because I�m not bitter). Willy will go so far as to lock children in the basement, provide a lass with a cool loch to rinse her locks, teach French (�Bonjourrrrr, you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys!�), videotape you when you least expect it, and � evidence suggests � murder you from inside your dreams. Not to mention he does an admirable Dick van Dyke impression.




It�s also true that Willy has the physique of a Scotch God, comparable only to that of the pious yet chiselled Ned Flanders. But don�t be fooled by his manly allure, readers; Willy is not just a pretty face! Upon further scrutiny of some Willyisms, I have deduced that not only is Groundskeeper Willy a fine example of humanity, but a true prophet among us! Is it possible that Groundskeeper Willy has set us a philosophy which could lead to a better way of living for all mankind? Yes. Yes it is. Observe the big fat drops of knowledge which spurt from his fount of wisdom:


Willyism 1: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.
Meaning or equivalent saying: A will to succeed is the key to success.

Willyism 2: I'm doin' all the pullin' ya blouse-wearin poodle-walker!
Meaning or equivalent saying: There is no �I� in �team.�

Willyism 3: THEN GREASE ME UP, WOMAN!
Meaning or equivalent saying: A man�s gotta do what a man�s gotta do.

Willyism 4: I was in my Unabomber-style shack all day. I don't know anything about the carjacking.
Meaning or equivalent saying: It was not me! It was the one-armed man!

Willyism 5: Ach, if elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot o' ya, and burn yer town to cinders!
Meaning or equivalent saying: Never trust a politician.

Willyism 6: Git yer haggis, right here! Chopped heart and lungs, boiled in a real sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good fer what ails ye, eh?
Meaning or equivalent saying: Man fears that which he does not understand.

Willyism 7: My God mon, I've watered 'er down as far as she'll go... I cannae water no more!
Meaning or equivalent saying: The improbable, I can do today. The impossible might take a little longer.

Willyism 8: Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for [her] anymore.
Meaning or equivalent saying: Why, you ask, was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place? Not for any mortal sin, but the wickedness of my abhorrent face!

Willyism 9: Eat tractor!
Meaning or equivalent saying: Once more into the breach, gentlemen!

Willyism 10: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Meaning or equivalent saying: Why can�t we all just get along?!

Willyism 11: But don't be reading my mind between 4 and 5 - that's Willy's time.
Meaning or equivalent saying: The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.

Willyism 12: Ach! 'Tis no more than what God gave me, you puritan pukes!
Meaning or equivalent saying: Learn to love yourself. Frequently.

Willyism 13: I warned ye! Didn't I warn ye? That coloured chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
Meaning or equivalent saying: All change comes with a price.

Willyism 14: Noo fooling, I'm from North Kilt town too! You know Angus Macleod?
Meaning or equivalent saying: It�s a small world, after all.

Willyism 15: Aii, I got to go to Skinner's. He's making me hose off his mother.
Meaning or equivalent saying: Sometimes, to do what's right, we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams.





It brings a tear to my eye to contemplate these axioms. I think there remains little more to be said; therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to conclude this homage to the Maverick of Mulch � the Duke of Disinfectant � the Martyr of the Mop � with a poem I have written. I think it goes without saying that this poem would not have been possible without my papers in creative writing and Romantic poetry. I hope it does my lecturers proud (and I pray that they can�t retroactively fail me for it).


"Groundskeeper Willy: Ode to a Scotsman"

O Groundskeeper Willy, with his muscles rippling fine,
Groundskeeper Willy, if only he were mine!
With his flame red hair and his fiery moustache,
Young women are stricken with lust
And all swoon, should he pass.

Groundskeeper Willy, a Scotsman so mature;
But young lasses cannot tempt him from nature�s own splendour.
No, the fast-fading youth and delights of the flesh
Will not stop Willy from tending the playground of scholars �
O, or even from making the lavatory lemon-fresh.

He is diligent at work, raking leaves of yellow choler
Or hectic red; with the jibes of children he does not bother,
Nor does he shun grease or wee turtles.
Groundskeeper Willy, despite use or abuse,
Keeps the playground soil fertile.

O Willy, your watching may sometimes bemuse,
And your demeanour is that of a surly recluse,
But your kilt swirls like clouds sculpted by breeze!
Your Scottish accent brings us to our knees!
Groundskeeper Willy, our hearts, you truly seize!


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