SCENE 1: The Beginning.
NARRATOR: Once upon a time there were three little girls...
// COURTNEY, EVE and LEIGH running around with pots on their heads, smacking into each other. Leigh is wearing fairy-wings, Eve is in a tutu and Courtney is wearing clothes. Definitely clothes.
NARRATOR: And those little girls went to school...
// COURTNEY, EVE & LEIGH running around with pots etc, this time in school uniforms.
NARRATOR: And eventually grew up to be fine young women...
// C, E & L with pots etc, now wearing “crime fighting clothes.”
NARRATOR: ... Who fought crime! COURTNEY was a Master of Disguise
// COURTNEY in groucho marx glasses
NARRATOR: LEIGH was a superific superduper superhuman superhero.
// LEIGH wearing a cape, winking in a cheesy way
LEIGH: Super!
NARRATOR: And EVE, EVE had no power, but she did have an evil twin! Otherwise, she was just a delicate girlie and fought crime anyway.
// EVE rolling on the ground saying “bobble!”
EVE: I’ll show them! I AM hard-core!!
SCENE 2: The Other-Beginning
// A room somewhere.
LEIGH: Quick, everyone inside that cupboard!!!
// They climb into the impossibly tiny space, camera focuses on the closing door(s). Darkness, and then, a door reopens, but it’s not the one they went into! It’s a cubicle in the Women’s Bathrooms at the Victoria Esplanade.
SCENE 3: Yes, There is a Plot.
COURTNEY: We have to save the world!
EVE (ON FLYING FOX): Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
SCENE 4: Moustachia’s Treetop Hideout.
MOUSTACHIA is EVE’s evil identical twin. They are exactly alike in every way - except for the moustache, of course.
VOICE of MOUSTACHIA: (laughing) hahaha... (evilly).
NARRATOR: No, it’s ... Moustachia!!!
MOUSTACHIA: Yes, that’s right, and I’m going to take over the world! (more laughter)
SCENE 5: Upstairs In Kiwiana House
LEIGH: So, Moustachia’s back.
EVE: Yes.
COURTNEY: With a vengeance?
EVE: Yes.
LEIGH: Oh dear.
EVE: Yes.
COURTNEY: Girls, we have a job to do. ...Girls?
// EVE and LEIGH have disappeared. Cut to them playing on the see-saw.
EVE: Wheeeeeee!
LEIGH: Wheeeeeee!
EVE: Wheeeeeee!
LEIGH: Wheeeeeee!
COURTNEY (yells): GIRLS!!!
LEIGH: Hold it!
EVE: What?
LEIGH: My antennae are picking up a message!
// LEIGH twiddles with her imaginary antennae.
COURTNEY (aghast): A message?
LEIGH: From Bowie.
EVE: David Bowie?
LEIGH: That’s the one. But it’s a little fuzzy. Hmm... *taps chin* Don’t move!
// LEIGH runs to C & E and begins to adjust them into ridiculous positions for a better reception. When they are suitably humiliated...
LEIGH: Okay. *gasp* MOUSTACHIA has enough Largo to blow up the entire world!
// E & C fall over
COURTNEY: But why would she want to blow up the world? Where would she live?
EVE: MOUSTACHIA has mutated to the point where she can survive in deep space, feeding on asteroid dust and space junk.
LEIGH: ...Like, ewww.
COURTNEY: ... An ancient evil is stirring... The Lords of Chaos rise again!
EVE: I’m assuming that would also fall into the category of “Bad things”?
COURTNEY: Yup.
LEIGH: We must vanquish her for once and for all!
COURTNEY and EVE: Yes!
SCENE 6: SEE-SAW
// Back to see-saw scene.
LEIGH: Wheeeeeee!
EVE: Wheeeeeee!
LEIGH: Wheeeeeee!
EVE: Wheeeeeee!
LEIGH: Wasn’t there something we were supposed to be doing?
COURTNEY: GIRLS!!!
EVE: ...Ohhh yeeeah.
COURTNEY: I’d better put on my disguise!
LEIGH: I’d better put on my cape!
EVE: I’d better roll on the ground and say “bobble”!
COURTNEY: EVE, can you look for MOUSTACHIA?
EVE: But how will I recognise her?
// C & L visibly sigh.
SCENE 7: Back to the Treetops.
// MOUSTACHIA is in the tree with a pair of binoculars. She laughs evilly and twizzles her moustache.
MOUSTACHIA: So, David Bowie sends his minions to do his dirty work. Ahahahahahaha!!!
SCENE 8: Our Heroines.
EVE: What was that? I thought I heard laughter!
// COURTNEY SHOWS UP IN HER MASK
EVE: Excuse me, sir, but did you hear someone laughing?
COURTNEY: Eve, it’s ME!
// COURTNEY takes off Groucho mask.
EVE: Oh, hello COURTNEY, where did you come from? And where did that friendly fellow get to?
// LEIGH bounds in.
LEIGH: Ready! But an angry duck stole my cape, so I’ll have to go without it.
COURTNEY: Let’s go!
EVE: But, but...
// C & L leave
EVE: ... I can see MOUSTACHIA in that tree...
SCENE 9: A Flight of Wicked Intent
// MOUSTACHIA (or, at least, the Barbie doll version of her) flies maniacally through, looking down at the helpless Earth below her.
// MOUSTACHIA (the real one, holding the Barbie) laughing.
MOUSTACHIA: Yes, this is how it shall be! Muahahahaha!!! Now, back to my new headquarters.
(NB: New Headquarters is the domino playground.)
SCENE 10: Mushroom Chairs and Melodrama.
COURTNEY: I’m so tired.
// COURTNEY PLONKS DOWN ON A MUSHROOM CHAIR.
LEIGH: It’s alright. I brought provisions for our long, weary journey.
// LEIGH pulls out a pink plastic tea set with fairy bread.
EVE: It looks delicious. But I have to be excused to the little superhero’s room.
// EVE goes off into the bushes.
SCENE 11: Oh No!
// Cut to EVE, tied to the train tracks.
EVE: You’ll never get away with this! (struggles)
// Cut to MOUSTACHIA going through the bushes, a band-aid over her moustache. Camera is wobbly, MOUSTACHIA is shouting.
MOUSTACHIA: Good guys? Good guys? Where are you?! Oh.
// We see MOUSTACHIA come up behind Mushroom chairs.
SCENE 12: More Oh No!
COURTNEY: As I was saying, I could totally kick Disguise-O Boy’s ass anyday... Oh, hey EVE, you’re back.
MOUSTACHIA: .... Erm... Yesss.... So, friends of Eve, who of course is me, it’s time we were on our way.
// COURTNEY and LEIGH get up, LEIGH reaches to take COURTNEY’S coat.
COURTNEY: NO! I’ll take that...
LEIGH: No, really, it’s no trouble...
// LEIGH yanks coat. COURTNEY yanks coat.
COURTNEY: I said no!
LEIGH: It’s really... no... trouble!
// They struggle some more until the coat somehow falls between them, fairy bread spilling from the pocketses. Silence.
LEIGH (shocked): COURTNEY!
COURTNEY: It was so good...
LEIGH: Young lady, go and sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done! Go on!
COURTNEY: Yes’m.
// COURTNEY TRUDGES OFF.
LEIGH: And you, EVE, you go with her! And not because it’s convenient to the plot! Simply because I say so!
// C & E walk off out of vision. LEIGH giggles, drunk on her own power.
LEIGH: ahahahaha, Oh, I love the power!
SCENE 13: Fred and Annie Make Their Debut.
// Camera on legless doll and model horse, both of which are cavorting around the shot.
FRED: Why, hello, ANNIE! Fancy seeing you here!
ANNIE: FRED! What a pleasant surprise!
FRED: Have you any APPLES, per chance?
ANNIE: Sadly, sadly... No...
// Suddenly giant apples fall from the sky, crushing FRED and ANNIE and rendering them unconscious.
SCENE 14: In The Paddling Pool.
// MOUSTACHIA is stroking a toy gorilla, Norman.
MOUSTACHIA: Well, COURTNEY, we meet again.
COURTNEY: MOUSTACHIA! What have you done with LEIGH and EVE?
MOUSTACHIA: I don’t think you’ll be... What? LEIGH? There’s THREE of you?
COURTNEY: Duh.
MOUSTACHIA: Damn, blast!
COURTNEY (fond cliché): Yes, you’ll never get away with this! LEIGH will save us!
SCENE 15: LEIGH To The Rescue
// Cut to LEIGH, completely oblivious jumping on a trampoline.
LEIGH: Wheeeeeee!
// Cut to LEIGH, desperately giving FRED and ANNIE mouth-to-mouth.
LEIGH: Live! Live! You’re too young to die!
// Cut to LEIGH, rolling on the grass laughing hysterically. A Shadow falls across her. She stops laughing, confused.
LEIGH: huh?
// Cut to MOUSTACHIA, extreme low shot, towering over LEIGH.
Cut to Mouse Wheels. LEIGH is running inside.
MOUSTACHIA: So, YOU’RE LEIGH. Well, I condemn you to run forever!! MUAHahhahahahahahaha!
// MOUSTACHIA LEAVES.
LEIGH (stops, looks around): Hey, I can stop!
// She gets out and walks away.
LEIGH: Time to save the day!!
SCENE 16: Train Mania.
// EVE is tied to the train tracks, a shadow falls over HER.
EVE: EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!
MOUSTACHIA: Stop your snivelling! Coward!
// LEIGH appears behind MOUSTACHIA.
MOUSTACHIA: You hear that sound, Ms Hermannson? That is the sound of inevitability... That, is the sound of -
LEIGH: The jig is up, doll-face!
MOUSTACHIA: LEIGH!
LEIGH: That’s right!
MOUSTACHIA: Let’s rumble!
LEIGH (taps chest): Bring it!
// They fight in a dazzling wave of moves, each more confusing than the last. Leave You Far Behind plays. MOUSTACHIA eventually runs away.
MOUSTACHIA: I’ll be back!
EVE: Leigh, the train!!
// Cut to the train. Cut to the traintracks. LEIGH rescues EVE from the clutches of certain doom.
EVE: Oh LEIGH! My hero!
// Suddenly, Moustachia returns with a gun.
MOUSTACHIA: AHAHAHA! Die!
LEIGH: Run!
// They crash through the bushes in a pseudo Blair Witch.
EVE: Give me that camera! *grabs camera*
// They continue to run but the camera only sees low-budget, easily obtained bushes. Topsy turvy, no?
EVE: It’s slowing me down!
LEIGH: Then give it back to me.
EVE: Wait! *points camera at LEIGH.*
LEIGH: I am so scared. This is all my fault. It was... my... tea set...
// Camera is passed back to cameraperson.
EVE: This way!
// They head towards the paddling pool.
SCENE 17: A Watery Terror
// Cut to paddling pool. COURTNEY is now in her swimsuit.
COURTNEY: Help!
// EVE and LEIGH run on in their swimsuits.
LEIGH: What’s wrong, COURTNEY?
COURTNEY: I can’t swim!
// COURTNEY sits down and splashes about in the water.
EVE: Oh, God, she’ll drown! It’s almost up to her ankles, now!
LEIGH: Help is on the way!
// EVE and LEIGH jump into pool. MOUSTACHIA appears in her bikini.
MOUSTACHIA: Game Over!
// BUT THEN... COURTNEY kicks the gun out of MOUSTACHIA’S hands. They slow-motion wrestle in the water.
SCENE 18: Advisory
// Cut to COURTNEY sitting on a toilet seat (lid down, of course) in the therapist position (legs crossed, etc.) FRED and ANNIE are in her hands.
COURTNEY: We would just like to inform the viewers that no water was harmed in the making of this film, only a legless girl and a horse.
// She starts bashing FRED and ANNIE together
FRED: Hey, Annie?
ANNIE: ...Yeah?
FRED: Ouch!
BOTH: Ouch, ouch, oweeee!!!
COURTNEY: This has been a Quest to go Everywhere advisory.
SCENE 19: Back to the Water.
// Cut to the paddling pool. MOUSTACHIA and COURTNEY still slow-mo fighting. Cut to the gun flying through the air (actually lifted by a highly-visible piece of nylon). Cut to Eve. Gun flies at her, and she catches it.
EVE: Hold it, sister!! *chucks gun to COURTNEY*
COURTNEY: Now who’s scared?
MOUSTACHIA: Before you kill me, I have one last wish.
// MOUSTACHIA rolls around and says “bobble!”
MOUSTACHIA: Now I have made my peace with God.
COURTNEY: Eww. I don’t think God wants your piece.
// COURTNEY aims the gun. Cut to EVE.
EVE: Nnnnoooooooooooo!! Don’t shoot! It’s not her fault! It’s the moustache! It’s evil! It controls her body!
COURTNEY: Is that TRUE?
EVE: No. I just thought it sounded cool.
COURTNEY: Well then, we’ll still have t -
SCENE 20: Mayhem with Ma Barker.
// Cut to a picture of MA BARKER.
MA BARKER (redneck accent): MA BARKER Says: Eat you’ beans!
// Cut to paddling pool
LEIGH: ... What the hell wa -
// Cut to MA BARKER
MA BARKER: MA BARKER Says; Wear you’ seatbelt!
// Cut to paddling pool
EVE: ... Can anyone else hear th -
// Cut to MA BARKER
MA BARKER: MA BARKER Says; Get that pig outta mah bed!
// Cut to paddling pool
COURTNEY: I -
// Cut to MA BARKER
MA BARKER : MA BARKER Says; Oooh, je t’aime!
// Cut to paddling pool
MOUSTACHIA: Hahahahaha....
// Cut to MA BARKER
MA BARKER: MA BARKER Says; I’ve had enough oh’ you’ sassy mouth!
// Cut to paddling pool. Confused silence.
COURTNEY: ...Well. Thank God that’s over
// Cut to MA BARKER
MA BARKER: MA BARKER Says; I’m gonn’ KILL you!
VOICE OVER: Shut up!!!
SCENE 21: Will Our Heroines Ever Get Rid Of Evil?
// Cut to paddling pool
COURTNEY: Now, where were we? oh, yeah... MOUSTACHIA was about to suffer immense pain at the hands of my fingers.
LEIGH: Yes. Fingers.
MOUSTACHIA: Ahaha, I think not!
// MOUSTACHIA puts a band-aid over her moustache once more.
LEIGH: Oh no! Which one’s which?!
// COURTNEY points the gun from E to M.
MOUSTACHIA: It’s her! *points at EVE* shoot her!
COURTNEY: Oh, okay. *shoots Eve.
// EVE falls to the ground, and LEIGH rushes to her side. All EVE can say is “bobble.” After a few minutes of waiting, she finally kicks it with a last, strangling, gurgling “bob..ble...”
MOUSTACHIA (evil cackle): Ahaha, but it wasn’t even loaded!
EVE (jumps up): I’m alive! I’m alive! Oh, how sweet it is! (falls down a couple of times)
SCENE 22: Saving The Day With A Song
// MOUSTACHIA is tied up, looking sulky.
LEIGH: Oh, no! MOUSTACHIA has the Largo on a detonator! The world will explode in just ONE MINUTE!! We have to stop her!
COURTNEY: But that’s impossible!
LEIGH: Oh, chin-up, COURTNEY. For you see... *breaks into song* Nothing is impossible, when you put your mind to it, Nothing is impossible...
COURTNEY (echoes, a note higher): Nothing is impossible....
EVE: Yo yo yo, my homies, waaasssssuuuuuuuuuuup? Boom-ch-ch,
Boom-ch-ch. *EVE raps*.
COURTNEY: You just don’t get it, do you?
SCENE 23: What’s this?
// Cut to MA BARKER
MA BARKER: MA BARKER Says; WAAAASSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUP?
EVE: Yo, wassup Ma Barker?
SCENE 24: Action, Now!
EVE: let’s go!
// Once more fully clothed, our heroines race to save the day. They
struggle against adversity, such as chains to climb, grass to crawl through, slides to slide down and swings to jump. Spybreak! plays. MOUSTACHIA appears!
MOUSTACHIA: Found you!
COURTNEY: Well, that was a fun round of hide and seek, but what about the Fate of Earth?
EVE: Now it’s your turn. You hide, we seek. *blows a raspberry.*
MOUSTACHIA: I know the perfect place to hide! You’ll never find me in a million years! MUahahahaha!!
// MOUSTACHIA runs to hide.
NARRATOR: Sadly, MOUSTACHIA’S statement will prove to be true, as COURTNEY, EVE and LEIGH are never actually going to look for her. MOUSTACHIA will die in that tree, a bitter old woman - but victorious in her mind!
SCENE 25: The Fate of Earth
// COURTNEY, EVE and LEIGH are crowded around a small cellphone.
EVE: So you’re telling me her whole stash of world-blowing-up Largo is in that phone!
LEIGH: SHHHHH, COURTNEY’S trying to defuse it...
COURTNEY: There! The world is saved! The bomb is defused.
// Suddenly, the phone rings.
EVE: That’s no explosive, it’s a normal phone!
LEIGH: Then where’s the bomb?!
// Camera falls on another phone over on the grass. The girls look at each other. They look at the phone. They look at each other! They look at the phone! COURTNEY leaps into the air, hoping to shield the planet Earth with her body....
COURTNEY: Nooooooooo!!!
// EVE rushes to a tree, trying to save a lost kitty (which as actually the gorilla Norman.)
EVE: Here, kitty kitty kitty!
// LEIGH falls to the ground in a prayer position, repeating “bobble bobble bobble, please bobble!”
SCENE 26: The End.
// COURTNEY lands on top of the phone... A second later, her body jumps into the air.
COURTNEY: Hey, that actually worked.
EVE: We have saved the world!
LEIGH: All in a day’s work.
COURTNEY: Let’s go to lunch.
LEIGH (close up on face): Sorry Courtney, but the Bird-Man hunts alone.
// LEIGH does a strange bird-walk off into the distance.
EVE and COURTNEY shrug. They start to walk off.
EVE: Let’s go eat at your house. Your mom makes the best cookies.
COURTNEY: My momma? Yo’ Momma!
// They stop walking.
EVE: No, Yo’ Mama!
COURTNEY: Yo’ Momma so stupid, they call it special?
EVE: Them’s fighting words...
COURTNEY (taps chest): Bring it on, pumpkin-man!
// COURTNEY and EVE start to fight each other.
// The credits slowly spin down on a roll of toilet paper. In the background we can hear EVE and COURTNEY having it out. Suddenly...
MA BARKER: MA BARKER Says; WAAASSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?
Past Endeavours