Imagine: Leigh, Courtney, Fourth form. (Shigure, you perv!) Imagine: no food for about 36
hours. Imagine: Little sleep. Result? Without Eyebrows or Love. A poignant tale of
love, triumph and - most importantly - Keanu Reeves. One day someone from
Hollywood will make it into a blockbuster and we can each buy jello swimming pools. Until that
day, it's resigned to the wonderful world of the internet.
I hate the internet.
CHARACTERS:
PIKACHU DOPPELGANGER - COURTNEY
UHCAKIP (PRONOUNCED �OOH-KA-KIP�) REGNAGLEPPOD - LEIGH
EVIL PIKACHU - EVIL COURTNEY
EVIL UHCAKIP - EVIL LEIGH
STICKY LONG TENTACLES - RICHARD
MARCO POLO - KEANU REEVES
CASSANDRA - SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
RANDOM PERSONS 1, 2 AND 3 - UNDEFINED
SMALL CHILD - CHARLOTTE (Richard's sister)
HOUSEWIFE - CARRIE
DIZZY BLONDE - EVE
LAURENCE FISHBURNE - STEVE (COURTNEY�S DAD)
VOICE - UNDEFINED
VOICE OF SPIDER - CARRIE
CAMERA MAN - UNDEFINED
4MY AS THEMSELVES
SWAT TEAM - FIONA , EVE, CLEMENTINE, HARRIET, GENNAVIEVE , NIGEL, DAVID, PAUL, AND TIM.
and TOM CRUISE AS HIMSELF
NOTE: DUE TO A LIMITED BUDGET, MR. REEVES AND MS. GELLAR ARE UNAVAILABLE. DAMN IT ALL. THEREFORE, THEY SHALL BE PLAYED BY SCENES FROM OTHER MOVIES AND CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS. LITTLE TINY CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS.
OPENING SCENE: Black Background, White Text reading �On the 27th of August, 1998, two student film makers were lost in the Esplanade. This is their footage . . .�
CUT TO: A scene of trees, in the Esplanade, LEIGH, is holding the camera. It is focused on trees. From around her, we hear crazy things . . .
RANDOM PERSON: Black Beard was a PIIIRATE
RANDOM PERSON NUMBER 2: If wishes were horses, then be-egars would riide . . .!
RANDOM PERSON NUMBER 3: Blair Witch!!
COURTNEY: I can�t believe you kicked the Largo in the creek! How could you DO that?!
LEIGH: The map wasn�t getting us anywhere! Admit it - we�re lost!
COURTNEY(shouting) : Largo!!!! Where are you?!
LEIGH: we�ve been going in circles! I can�t believe this!
COURTNEY: Look, you can�t go left ALL DAY and go in a circle!
LEIGH: I�m tired. And cold. And hungry.
COURTNEY: me too. Lets get out of here.
LEIGH: Get out of here?! we�re LOST!
COURTNEY: No, we�re not. Look, there�s the duck-pond.
LEIGH: What?! You knew where we were all that time???
COURTNEY: Yeah.
LEIGH: You really pick the skin off chicken, you know that?!
COURTNEY (in horror) : Look out!
THEY BOTH FLEE IN TERROR THROUGH THE WOODS UNTIL THEY REACH THE KIWIANA HOUSE WHERE THEY SCALE THE STAIRS
COURTNEY AND LEIGH: LARGO!! LARGO!!! WHERE ARE YOU???!!
ALL OF A SUDDEN ....
LEIGH: Look, a slide!
COURTNEY: Cool!
THE CAMERA FALLS TO THE GROUND AND WE SEE LEIGH AND COURTNEY RACE TOWARDS THE SLIDE.
SCENE TWO: EVE standing against a plain white background, possibly a room in someone�s house, I don�t know yet.
EVE: That was irrelevant.
This must be done in the classic �dumb blonde� manner, or it won�t work.
SCENE THREE: MARCO POLO IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A LITTLE TOY BUS, WHEREVER THE HELL WE�RE GOING TO GET ONE OF THOSE.
MARCO: There is a BUN on the BUS!
CUT TO CLASSROOM OF PEOPLE.
PEOPLE: A bomb?!
CUT BACK TO MARCO.
MARCO: No, a bun!
A GIANT BREAD BUN FALLS ON MARCO, SQUASHING HIM.
CUT TO COURTNEY AND LEIGH.
COURTNEY AND LEIGH PUT THEIR HANDS TO THEIR FACES IN
HORROR: Marco!
CUT BACK TO CLASSROOM OF PEOPLE.
PEOPLE: Polo!
SCENE FOUR: A ROOM, SHROUDED IN GLOOM. WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GET GLOOM? AH WELL, WE�LL JUST USE LARGO.
COURTNEY AND LEIGH STAND THERE, FACING EVIL COURTNEY AND EVIL LEIGH, WHO STAND BESIDE RICHARD. THE BAD GUY, REMEMBER?
RICHARD: Meet my lackeys, Pikachu and Uhcakip.
LEIGH: Hey! WE�RE Pikachu and Uhcakip!
COURTNEY: They must be EVIL Pikachu and Uhcakip!
DA DUM!
RICHARD/STICKY LONG TENTACLES DOES THAT THING WITH HIS FINGERS THAT BAD GUYS DO. UM, NOT �THAT� ONE.
RICHARD: The fight for the future has begun.
SCENE FIVE: DOJO. LEAVE U FAR BEHIND PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.
COURTNEY AND HER DAD ARE FIGHTING: OBVIOUSLY FAKE, OTHERWISE COURTNEY�D GET HER ASS KICKED. THEY WAVE THEIR ARMS WILDLY.
COURTNEY: Momentum!
COURTNEY�S DAD DOES THAT LAWRENCE FISHBURNE THINGY.
COURTNEY: Grrr.
THEY FIGHT SOME MORE. COURTNEY ATTEMPTS TO RUN UP A BEAM BUT THERE AREN�T ANY. SHE FALLS TO THE GROUND.
COURTNEY�S DAD: How did I beat you?
COURTNEY: You�re too fast.
COURTNEY�S DAD: Do you honestly think that my being stronger than you, or faster than you, has anything to do with your stupidity, in this place?
COURTNEY LOOKS UP AT HIM IN STUPEFIED WONDER.
COURTNEY�S DAD: You think that�s Largo you�re breathing now?
QUICK BLACK SHEET OF PAPER.
VOICE: And now for a message from our sponsors.
SCENE SIX: LARGO AD.
CHARLOTTE: Mommy, there�s a spider!
SHE POINTS TO A HUGE RUBBER SPIDER.
CARRIE IN AN APRON: Don�t worry honey, I�ll get it with the Largo!
CHARLOTTE RUNS TO GET THE LARGO: A BOTTLE OF WHIPPED CREAM. CARRIE SHAKES IT UP AND TAKES OFF THE CAP. SHE TAKES AIM. THE SCREEN GOES BLANK, AND YOU HEAR A TINY LITTLE SPIDER VOICE.
SPIDER: Nooooo! Not like this!
SCENE SEVEN: A SMALL MATCHBOX CAR WITH ORANGE CELLOPHANE COMING OUT OF IT. MARCO AND CASSANDRA STAND IN THE FOREGROUND. AN EXPLOSION SOUNDS IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT THE CAR IS ALREADY ON FIRE, SO IT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.
SCENE EIGHT: KEANU REEVES SURFING IN �POINT BREAK�. IN THE BACKGROUND IS COURTNEY�S VOICE, READING HER �ODE TO WATER�.
COURTNEY: Hurray hurray for H2O/ That falls down from the sky/ Hurray hurray for H2O/ That terrifies the dry/ Hurray hurray for H2O/ In sea or lake or pool/ Hurray hurray for H2O/ �Cause wet Keanu�s cool!
SCENE NINE: REPEAT SCENE TWO.
EVE standing against a plain white background, possibly a room in someone�s house, I don�t know yet.
EVE: That was irrelevant.
This must be done in the classic �dumb blonde� manner, or it won�t work.
SCENE TEN: RICHARD SITTING ON A BIG COMFY SWIVEL CHAIR, HOLDING NIGEL�S INFLATABLE PIG LIKE IN JAMES BOND.
RICHARD: Soon. Soon.
SCENE ELEVEN: COURTNEY IS WALKING ALONG, TALKING TO TOM CRUISE IN HIS ROLE AS LESTAT.
COURTNEY: So you see, the Vampire Lestat is like . . . marrying your first cousin. Tempting, but illegal, unhealthy, and just plain wrong.
SCENE TWELVE: REPEAT SCENE TWO.
EVE standing against a plain white background, possibly a room in someone�s house, I don�t know yet.
EVE: That was irrelevant.
This must be done in the classic �dumb blonde� manner, or it won�t work.
SCENE THIRTEEN: PIKACHU AND UHCAKIP ARE SITTING OPPOSITE MARCO POLO.
PIKACHU: As you can see, we�ve had our eye on you for, some time now, Mr Marco.
CUT TO CLASSROOM OF PEOPLE
PEOPLE: POLO!
CUT BACK TO INTERROGATION ROOM.
UHCAKIP: It seems, you have been living two lives. By day, you are a mild-mannered reporter, but by night . . .
UHCAKIP STARTS GIGGLING UNCONTROLLABLY, WHERE PIKACHU IS FORCED TO TAKE OVER.
PIKACHU: ... but by night, you go by the hacker alias LEGLESS PEG -
CUT TO EVE DOING THE LEGLESS PEG, AND THEN CUT BACK.
PIKACHU: . . . and are guilty of virtually every Largo crime we have a law for.
UHCAKIP (still giggling) : LARGO.....
CUT BACK TO MARCO
MARCO: You can�t scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my Largo!
SCENE FOURTEEN: THE PLOT. IN THIS SCENE THE PLOT IS CAREFULLY EXPLAINED BY NONE OTHER THEN PIKACHU AND UHCAKIP.
PIKACHU: So you see, Mr camera man, We are the good guys and we are battling the evil robot us�s. They are under the command of Long Sticky Tentacles, our most vile and dangerous opponent. He is a master of Drunken Boxing.
CAMERA MAN: What�s Drunken Boxing?
UHCAKIP: if you have to ask, you�ll never know.
SCENE FIFTEEN: ROOM 4MY IS UNSUPERVISED AND DANGEROUS. THEY HAVE ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER TO DISPENSE AT THEIR LEISURE, AND NO TEACHER IN SIGHT. WE WATCH, FASCINATED, FOR FIVE MINUTES.
SCENE SIXTEEN: THE SUBPLOT IS EXPLAINED BY MARCO TO CASSANDRA.
MARCO: So you see, Cassandra, as long as you have no eyebrows, I can never bring myself to tell you . . .
HE LOOKS AWAY. SAD, ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS. THIS IS THE �CHICK FLICK� BIT.
CASSANDRA: Oh, Marco!
CUT TO CLASSROOM OF PEOPLE.
PEOPLE: Polo!
CUT BACK TO MARCO AND CASSANDRA.
CASSANDRA: You�re more than just a water sport to me, Marco!
SHE LOOKS AWAY ALSO. THE MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER. WE CAN SEE AN OBVIOUSLY FAKE, DRAWN-ON BLUE TEAR RUN DOWN MARCO�S CARDBOARD FACE.
SCENE SEVENTEEN: THE BATTLE. THE PIKACHU�S AND UHCAKIP�S ARE STANDING ON A FIELD, FACING EACH OTHER.
COURTNEY: WE�RE THE GOOD GUYS! YOU�RE THE EEEEVIL ROBOTS!
EVIL COURTNEY: NU-UH! WE�RE THE GOOD GUYS!
LEIGH (growls) : them�s fightin� words!
EVIL LEIGH: DIE EVIL ROBOTS DIE!!!
ALL FOUR OF THEM PULL OUT BIG, FAKE GUNS. WE CUT AT RANDOM FROM OUR FIGHT TO THE LOBBY SCENE. WE HAVE TO HAVE LOTS OF COOL FLIPS IN OUR SCENE TOO! OTHERWISE I�M NOT PLAYING AND SHALL SULK.
SPYBREAK! PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY BATTLE ON, UNTIL LEIGH PULLS OUT A CAN OF LARGO.
EVIL PIKACHU AND UHCAKIP (in badly-portrayed horror) : NO!
COURTNEY: YESSSSS!
LEIGH: You see, we were really the Evil Robots all along!
�EVIL� PIKACHU AND �EVIL� UHCAKIP: duh! That�s what WE said!
A SWAT TEAM, COMPOSED OF THE REST OF YOU GUYS, EVE, CLEMMIE, FIONA, HARRIET, GENNAVIEVE, NIGEL, DAVID, PAUL, TIM ETC. RUN IN, WITH MORE FAKE GUNS.
GENNAVIEVE: FREEZE!
THE REAL EVIL ROBOTS �KILL� EVERYONE WITH LARGO, EXCEPT FOR THE REAL GOOD PIKACHU AND UHCAKIP.
LEIGH (AS REAL-EVIL-ROBOT): We seem to have reached an impasse.
EVIL-BUT-ACTUALLY-GOOD LEIGH: indeed....
COURTNEY(AS REAL-EVIL-ROBOT) : So . . .
EVIL-BUT-ACTUALLY-GOOD COURTNEY: So . . .
CUT TO SCENE EIGHTEEN: MARCO AND CASSANDRA (DON�T WE LOVE �EM!?) ARE STILL TALKING. SAPPY MUSIC PLAYS.
MARCO: I cannot stand it any longer! Your eyebrows, or rather, your LACK of eyebrows disgusts me!
CASSANDRA: Marco!
CUT TO CLASSROOM FULL OF PEOPLE
PEOPLE: POLO!
CASSANDRA: What are you saying!?
MARCO: You disgust me! get away! oh, get away!
CASSANDRA: But Marco, whatever will I do? wherever will I go?
MARCO: Frankly, my dear, I don�t give a damn!
CASSANDRA (beginning to sob): I truly am . . . WITHOUT EYEBROWS, OR LOVE!
CUT TO SCENE NINETEEN, SCENE OF THE DANCE: THE LATEST DANCE MOVE, THE �LEGLESS KEANU�, IS PERFORMED WITH GREAT FERVOUR.
EVERYBODY BREAKS OFF INTO SQUARE DANCING . . .
EPILOGUE:
BEFORE SCENE: A PIECE OF PAPER SAYING �BEFORE� IS HELD IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.
LEIGH IS HOLDING A VIDEO TAPE.
LEIGH (excited) : We�ve done it! This tape will take us into the Big Leagues!
COURTNEY LOOKS ON IN STUPEFIED WONDER. (She does that a lot.)
AFTER SCENE: A PIECE OF PAPER SAYING �AFTER� IS HELD UP.
IN A WHITE ROOM WITH NO FURNITURE EXCEPT A TABLE WITH TWO BOWLS AND A STRANGE CAN ON IT, SIT LEIGH AND COURTNEY, RESTRAINED BY STRAIGHT-JACKETS.
COURTNEY LOOKS AROUND.
COURTNEY: Leigh? Are these the Big Leagues?
LEIGH (snarls) : Shut up and eat your gruel.
COURTNEY LOOKS AROUND AGAIN.
COURTNEY: There is no spoon.
COURTNEY BENDS FORWARDS AND TRIES TO EAT THE GRUEL. SHE RAISES HER HEAD IN PANIC.
COURTNEY: Ah! It�s on my nose! It�s on my NOSE!
CUT TO BLACK.
CREDITS ROLL, WHICH ARE ACTUALLY BEING SPUN DOWN ON A ROLL OF �HANDY-TOWELS�.