Joe (They Call Me The Breeze) Fernbacher, Creem, 7/84
Aspiring to metal while never actually becoming metal, both Golden Earring and the Scorpions tentatively shake and teeter along the duller edges of the metal beast like old ladies with walkers desperately trying to get to the 7-11 during an ice storm. Golden Earring has been around a long, long time and the group�s early forays into mild hitdom were yeoman efforts�especially �Radar Love,� which comes on strong even to this day. And the band�s album side long version of the Byrds� �Eight Miles High� was pure metaldelia at its ginchiest, pretentious best. Last year�s �Twilight Zone� was semi-noteworthy, but couldn�t really stand on its own without the video (all those leather mini-skirted bundettes doing their Nazi chorus line routine�turn, turn, slash, kick, inject, burn, turn, kick, kick) which carried the song beyond its limited scope and made the aud-vize experience on the whole fairly entertaining.
This year�s Golden Earring effort, N.E.W.S., is also accompanied by the usual kinky video, this one featuring comely nuns with dirty habits (if things keep up, these guys are gonna have to subscribe to Fetish Times for inspiration). But, considering the glut of metal currently washing over the wastelands, N.E.W.S. is readily ignorable. A few songs do rise above the usual din. One, of course, is the aforementioned, bolstered by video �When The Lady Smiles,� and another is �It�s Over Now,� which gives us just about all the energy there�s to be had on this album�which isn�t exactly saying much since the overall energy level here borders on the ergless. �Mission Impossible� had a lot of untapped potential but self-destructs after a few careful listenings. On the whole, N.E.W.S. is predictable and formulaic, and I suppose if you like your metal leaded and safe this�ll be your cup of decibels. As for me, no N.E.W.S. is good news.
The Scorpions are another band who have been waxing noisy for more than a few years and their peculiar brand of arachnid-inspired metal has been consistent and of the highest sonic caliber. Heck, on their last LP, Blackout, their Euro-metal attitude almost succeeded in tickling the old M-spot to the point of metalgasm.
And what, you ask, is the M-spot? The M-spot is a place located deep inside the inner ear which can be stimulated only when sound waves reach a certain decibel level�a certain LOUD decibel level. Once properly excited, the aroused M-spot is capable of sending sonic-sexual wave upon sonic-sexual wave through the brain to that ever-shifting spot located at the base of the neck where all rock�n�roll exists in its purest non-physical state. Once there, the signal is amplified, and all sorts of things begin to happen. Fists are involuntarily hoisted high into the air. Bics are mnemonically flicked, matches are set ablaze with vacant-eyed skill, moistness of all kinds abounds and the feet begin that ritualized twitching called dancing. Eventually, with some minor chemical assistance from alien narcotics and/or hootch, the metalgasm (also known as the NOD) is successfully achieved.
On this new release, Love At First Sting, the Scorpions do not, unfortunately, come anywhere close to the arousal point of the M-spot. Instead, they�ve gone the way of so many marginal metaloids: they�ve become MTVidiots. Their cluttered video is sad because it shows a bunch of over-the-hillers trying to ape a world of rockin� teens which they don�t understand anymore. Not only that but the music, once powerful and nova-inspired...has become hackneyed, and lifeless. Songs like �Bad Boys Running Wild,� �Big City Nights,� and �As Soon As The Good Times Roll� are simply finger-down-the-throat annoying.
So all of you cadets of the big huh out there in metaluna who�re expecting to be brutalized by frenzied butchers of noise forget it, they ain�t here. Unless that is, all you want from metal is something loud and noisy. To which all I can say is, caveat emptor, baby, caveat emptor.
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