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| Is Tinky Winky really gay?
Amitoj Marwaha The Daily If watching the X-Files has taught me anything, it's that conspiracies are all around us. Usually, these conspiracies involve strange, evil creatures from beyond the moon, hell bent on conquering the globe. Luckily, Rev. Jerry Falwell, the real life Fox Mulder, has uncovered one of these evil plots. He says that one of the Teletubbies is a subliminal gay role model. First thing first, what is Teletubbies? Well, it's a show imported from Britain, airing on PBS, aimed at pre-schoolers, and anyone else who likes to take naps and drool. There are four characters with funky, hippie names. None of them wear clothes or seem to have any gender, and they all look like rejects from the Star Wars Cantina. Nothing wrong with any of that. It sounds like a good, wholesome show. However, according to Falwell, one of them is gay; and this is corrupting the moral fiber of young, doe-eyed children. How did the good reverend make this astute observation? Look at the evidence, he says. The Teletubby in question is named Tinky Winky, has an antenna shaped like a triangle, carries a purse, and is purple. A spokesman for the show quickly shot back, saying that he carries a magic bag, not a purse, and added, "The fact that he carries a magic bag doesn't make him gay." Well, you've got to admit, it doesn't help. The question still nags, though. Does Rev. Falwell seriously believe that a rotund, neutered moon man whose sole purpose in life is to entertain toddlers is surreptitiously acting as a homosexual role model? For this, I went to the horse's mouth. Me: Hello? Mr. Falwell? JF: Yes, my son. How may I grace you with my presence? Me: Why do you think Tinky Winky is gay? JF: Isn't it obvious? Me: No. Not really. JF: He's purple! Me: So? JF: That's the gay pride color! How much more evidence to you need? Me: Well, sir, this isn't a street gang we're talking about. JF: I don't get it. Me: Wearing purple doesn't mean you're gay. I mean, the UW's colors are purple and gold, but that doesn't mean we're all gay. JF: But there's sinful doings going on at that school. Didn't the football team have some recruiting violations? See, that's what wearing purple will get ya! Well, if you want to read about the rest of the evidence of gay conspiracies on PBS and learn how to make a dazzling casserole from half a jar of mayonnaise and month old cheeseburgers, check out the February issue of the National Liberty Journal, Mr. Falwell's magazine. In fact, if one were the cynical type, one may think that this whole sordid affair revolves more around increasing circulation than protecting children. After all, there are only two ways to get more people to buy your magazine: show busty, nubile, half-clad women; or print shocking expos�s. Preferably, the expos�s are about busty, nubile, half-clad women. However, being the savior of America's moral conscience, Mr. Falwell can't exactly print in-depth investigations into the leather thong industry. And, let's face it, very few things shock us anymore. The last time I was truly shocked was when President Bush threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister at a state dinner in 1991. Mentioning a threat to kids, though, is one of the few ways to hold people's attention for more than two seconds. It's a bit of a stretch to prove that the Teletubbies are covertly encouraging little spuds across the nation to explore homosexuality. But maybe that wasn't the point at all. Maybe the point was to create some juicy press for a conservative magazine, in an attempt to boost readership. Hats off to Mr. Falwell, it worked like a charm. |
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