Complacent

3 Goddamn hours

Priceless

Jieni's life led(?):   27/08

Vanitas vanitatum! Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desires? or having it, is satisfied? - Vanity Fair.

Can it be more well defined? more well-cut? and well disposed? Unblemished to the truth. If there was anything more unobtainable, it would be 'lasting satisfaction'. If only I could divorce the bond between 'satisfaction' and 'happiness', and alienate them onto the opposite sides of the universe. Forever alternate they will be. Perhaps only then, will Elation be a little higher, sweeter and just a little longer.

Naive as i may be, i do know one thing, you must have intentions in life. Ambitions; objectives; dreams; targets; goals and what have you. There should be a destinations at the end of your toils. If, purpose should become absent, then expand the empty void will. Live without a purpose; live without a life. If you havent gathered as yet, im one of those who's got it all planned and mapped, plotted and mentally drawn. All ready to strive and achieve. Yes fellow readers. I am aware of disappointments, of unchanging fate and the terrifying unforeseen. Yes i am aware that 'nothing-ever-goes-to-plan'. And yes, im just another simple juvenile, conceited and slightly dull.

Nevertheless, i need to have 'intentions' and 'purposes', i need to know where i'm going before i step out, and mostly, i need to be anchored by something... anything...even if its just all within my mind.
I need to be embraced.


Jieni weeps for attention:   24/08

Perhaps its drought. Perhaps its desolation. Perhaps it's a enigma. Whatever it may be, my guestbook is becoming arid and disdained. And i am without muse nor the provided schedule (ie. Yearly Exams The Dreaded) So, adieu my friends...for the time being, i shall become the misanthropic mothball whom lies deep within the wardrobe...mute and ersatz.


Jieni is on the prowl:   22/08

Friday night; party night; pubbing night, the night of all nights (except for Saturday nights). As the ritual proceeds, i was with my little sister (no longer, as she turns 7 tomorrow) on Train Stalk #82 on the path to Town Hall for her weekly piano lessons. I was rudely interrupted from my poise and pompous composure by a young man next to me, in a three-sitter. Now, being any human specie, i couldn't but help myself to a serving of his murmured phone conversation.

He was from my examination, a General Pants investor at his sexual peak (early 20's) seemly trendy and clean by appearance engaged in a heated conversation on his symphonic mobile phone. Despite my usual "deafness" i was however, miracally cured for that instant, which enabled me to catch every syllable of his 'utterly enticing' chat. (I must possess superhuman hearing because his voice was competing with the i'm-about-to-cough-my-lungs-out man, the clugging of the die-hard trains and a whole aroused-over-Friday-night groupie). Anyway, this is what i was able to gather in the short period of 10minute train ride:

DUDE: "Christine (from my highly-envolved intelligence, Christine was most probably his girlfriend) You're not listening. I dont wnat to talk to you. I hung up on you before was because we are arguing, and its pissing me off. It's annoying because i've given you an objective opinion about it, and you wont accept it. You wont listen.
*PAUSE*
No. I asked you an objective questions and all you do is give me vague answers which dont answer the question. (this dude's vocabulary is very limited)
*PAUSE*
Alright fine, what is it then?
*LONG PAUSE*
NO! NO! NO! NO! that's not the answer.
*PAUSE, I continue to look inconspicuous*
How hard is it, just to be objective? Like i said already before (far out that guy loves that word with a passion)
*he takes an overexaggerated DEEP SIGH*
(emphasising the point that he's repetitatively said it more than once or he had a breathing complex) It's a Physical change,
*PAUSE*
Christine. You're not listening again. Listen! You're going to do a physcial change but its going to affect you pschologically and emotionally. (At this point in time, i, myself was slightly perplexed but i had a rough sketch of the situation, it was either the girlfriend wanted plastic surgery to increase her breast size or she was opting for a transition into the opposite sex...Ah, the possibilities.) It will increase the harassments, Christine. (anal assult? bust groping? THE PLOT THICKENS )
*PAUSE*
Dont fuckin tell me about self esteem (obviously he was not helping in that department)
*PAUSE*
What did i say? huh? Just tell me, what the fuck did i say? What did i say? Didnt i just say two fucking minutes ago? (Oh, he has amensia, forgets that 'what did i say' was said just a couple times too many and we see the subtle turn in character trait, as we reach the climax of the conversation whilst his voice begins to reach an considerable amount of volume, notice the silence of the carriage as everyone awaits the conclusion?)
*LONG PAUSE he leans forward, facial twitching*
okay dont listen to me. OH FUCK THIS! FUCK YOU! FUCK OFF! Just hang up, goodbye, say goodbye. What part dont you get, this is goodbye! *PAUSE* Hurry up, say what you got to say *PAUSE* HURRY UP! FUCK! I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK UP MY FUCKIN NIGHT! BITCH!"........

the Town Hall tunnel disconnected the loving couple's conversation. Thus concluding this story. I was glued to the seat, couldnt take my ears off it. So very very captivating, i give it a 4 star out of 5. Short and sweet just how i like it. Beware, you never know when critique Jieni might strike, i could be very close...and very in tuned....(muwahahhahh strokes non-existent beard)

P.S If you were curious as to how i was able to transcribe the dude's conversation word for word...then lucky you...i was furiously typing away on my mobile accordingly to what i was hearing. So yes. It is true to word.
P.P.S I apologise to this dude for ..eavesdropping.. and i thank him for making my day a little brighter and a little less ignorant on the true natures of the male race. (the I-MUST-GET-MY-WAY-OR-ITS-SEE-YOU-LATER-BITCH)


Jieni's cravings (again):   20/08

Cravings-noun eager or urgent desire; longing; yearning; yum cha; Karaoke; intelligence.

Woah, even the dictionary defines 'cravings' as such, no wonder we get along so very well together. Alright, let's get down to business shall we? Today was my last day of Assessments, which makes my life for the next 2 weeks rather pleasantly at ease considering that i've always given homework the flick anyway. But, since Yearly Examinations are sneaking up on me, im aspiring to actually STUDY. (Yes, all my litte sceptical buddies, Jieni is going to study, so be afraid! Better scamper off to cower in your little corner because she's going on a hysterical rampage of learning)

Concourse to this path of knowledge, i've detected several signs which indicate Fear of 'loneliness'. For you have to admit, whatever emotion you experience will undeniably froth to the surface, however, whether or not one comprehends these minute habitual conducts is another story. I call it "Singlurphobular". Let me jump right in:

1. You enjoy having your television turned on, even though you may not be in front of it, you take comfort in hearing it as a background noise.

2. You cannot live without music (or the instrument in which produces your daily dosage of music ie MDs Discmans MP3s etc)

3. You live in front of your computer and despite the oaths of "i'm-not-going-online-tonight" you still do and usually for more than 2 hours.

4. You talk incessantly about anything and to anyone whose willing to listen (ie. you are a sufferer of verbal diarrhoea, or you have developed an unusual tongue defect where you are unable to control the muscle.)

5. You feel the need to constantly check or 'touch' your phone for messages and missed calls, or you often experience false alarms in thinking that it was YOUR phone that was vibrating or ringing.(OR you can swear that it was really yours but your phone just takes pleasure in pranking you)

6. You start craving Yum Cha.

7. You sit behind your never-dimming computer screen, biting your lips anxiously squeezing out everything about oneself's demeanour in an attempt to convince yourself that there are people out there who do exactly the same things.

Do you think that, by taking cold tablets as a substitute for panadol (i can't believe this household does not have a single panadol tablet...what world are we living in? 3rd world countries are even better off than this, its laughable) is taking effect now?

P.S Read my English Extension Assessment Weighing 15% which, we were given a period of 5 weeks to complete, but superstrength me, accomplished this in 3 hours. Cram Queen strikes again. Drama it Brings.


Jieni's breaking the rules:   18/08

For as long as i can remember, (or for as long as my wallets can) birthdays always felt more or less like a ritual rather a celebration. The scrutinising hours masticating over what 'original present' to give. Scribbling frantically down a whole list of what compliments and what denounces their personality and preferences. The hair pulling tension as the 'day' draws near, and you are still left empty handed and minded. With every possible gift you have approached slapping you blatantly across the head only to leave your brain further ringing with defeat.(Those damn gifts can be so cruel..so very cruel)

Personally, i do not take a liking for the whole giving, recieving and taking process. All too tedious and repeatitive. Think of it this way, once you have accepted a gift, you will inevitably have to counteract it in one way or another, perhaps just in a different form. So, the final question boils down to, why bother in the first place? Why be like a freshly decapitated chicken running around in circles?Save it.

Well, coincidently, it is my MAAR-DER's birthday today. (Although i am no longer irritated at her, i like to imagine myself as a retard who cant pronounce 'mother' properly without involuntary drooling...or some highly pretentious princess exhibiting her poshness, i think the latter is preferred) Anyhow, every year, ever since i stumbled across the dumbfounding shock of the many wonders that money occupies. I have gone out of my way year by year, in a quest to find the 'best birthday present' for my dear MAAR-DER. And year by year, i return more overthrown than i was before, a bigger failure than i started out to be. It was difficult i tell you readers. I began running parallel comparisons between Frodo (naive little piece of hobit from LORD OF THE RINGS) and myself (a tragic heroine who must face the ordeal of gift hunting). Besides the dramatic eye colour, we both were doomed on the same path of eternal self-conflict.

However, it must be taken into consideration that, my mum is no particular woman, it would be an understatement to call her eccentric. One year, i sacrificed my entire months savings into buying her a costly vase only to be showered by her spit with "WHY YOU WASTE SO MUCH MONEY FOR!"
(oh, it was also broken within a few days of purchase as it so happened to have snuck its way into her frenzy dusting path) And so the next year, i strutted into a more financially-friendly store (aka $2 shops) in which, i generously brought a $5 address book. Upon arriving home, i was greeted with "WHAT? MORE JUNK TO ADD TO THE HOUSE!". Which led me chanting, "sanity now, sanity now..." Okay, Mother Goldilocks has a few simple requisitions which im sure as any dutiful daughter will fulfil with no fuss. Hence, i bestowed a "happy birthday mum" the year before and she responded with a bellow,"I CANT BELIEVE YOU DIDNT EVEN CARE TO BUY ME A CARD! SOME DAUGHTER YOU ARE...LOOK AT AUNT BLAH'S BLAH."

As clear as mud they say. I couldnt agree more. So this year. This god-i-hope-she-will-be-satisfied year, i purchased a neat little card that featured a neat little bear which read "mum, i thank you, i appreciate you, i love you". Of course i had to append a few more words just to rectify that i do care. Fingers crossed, her smile glowed like a 80 Watt bulb and i remain as of now, subject to that loving warmth. Ahhh, the felicity! The satisfaction! The i-just-crawled-back-into-her-good-book!

Now pamper me mum!


Jieni's deluge :   17/08

I'm feeling rather self-sufficient.
Trying hard to be economical with satisfaction.
Basking in silence for a fulfilment donation.
Saving contentment in precious jars of dreams.

Suspended in mid-air.
A drizzle of chaos.
I fall.


Jieni's Elements of Style:   16/08

Style. For those of you, who are fortunate enough to have it, will know what i'm talking about. Yes thats right. The fundamental component of our social system which you must possess in order to be 'recognised' as somebody. Sure, superficial as it sounds, but its definitely realistic. We cant but help allow that pretentious shallowness from surfacing. The inclination to judge and prejudge a person based solely on appearance is all too routine. Perhaps its already built into our mechanical brains and DNA, this materialism. Afterall, all our five senses (unless you're a deviation from the norm, you may have more than 5) permits us to see, taste, smell, touch and hear physcial matter and not so much of the, shall i say, personality of things?

Anyhow the other day, I (vain as i may be) was sitting at the train station waiting, needless to say, for the train (God bless those things! Always being delayed and screwing up innocent civilian's schedules). I was scanning like radar at all the people that walked past me. And boy, was i in for a shock! I think if i was in the "fashion police squad" i would have busted at least over 20 people. One man looked like he just flew back from 1954 Las Vagas, with his white flares and chic orange shirt that exposed his mass of chest hair. Another woman, no more than 150cm, was suffering from the "leprecaun plague" with her Robin Hood green leggings and Hulk green jacket. I was for a mere second tempted to capture her and seek for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (I hope you know what the myth of leprechaun is, wait...do you even know what LEPRECHAUNS are?) Moving along to 'fashion failure' number 3. This woman interestingly enough, managed to take the term "style-ful" literally with a maroon leather jacket, a hip t-shirt screening "PLAY THING" in flaunting fluro pink, grey flowing tracksuit pants and a pair of sexy-blue 3 inch stilletos. She has the full potential to become the next Spice Girls with only her as the member.

Now, i'm not hoping to become Miss World nor am i going for an oscar in being the most shallow bitch the net has ever seen. I agree without hestiation that, everyone has their individual style and taste, and have every right to express themselves. However, there is perhaps a trifling fine line between looking like the nearby mental asylum has had a melt down and you're one of its escapees and expressing yourself without harming the sight of others. Style is crucial. (Want me to repeat that?)

Style is CRUCIAL. It's just common courtesy, the very basic etiquette and respect to fellow pedestrians that you present yourself in a reasonable manner. I'm not demanding the population to go out and raid the GUCCI and FENDI producers. But i am pleading. Please dont abuse STYLE.



Jieni's revisit to Simpli-City:   13/08

R and I had a fit of hysteria 'sex' today. Derived from two minute circle pieces of scrap from a holepuncher, we were able to manufacture a whole range of pictorials including a pair of breasts, a set of balls and two damn inflared nostrils. Our creativity and immaturity ceased to stop there but thats another story..(or shall i say stories )6 hours later, as i am sitting here typing away, pondering, what exactly was so harliously humorous about 'inflared nostrils? balls? and breasts?'. Besides the common circular shape they all happen to share, there isn't much supporting evidence to present as to why i had my mouth wide open gurgling like i was yooderling in flies.

Anyhow, we felt an unimaginable suffocating pain as we restrained our fits of giggles from bubbling out. It was the most queer occurance that R and I seem to have fed upon each other's resistence to burst out in laughter. We were stimulating each other in the form of just seeing the other person vibrate violently on the chair, grasping tightly onto our mouths as if we were about to regurgitate back out a cow or some sort of large mammal. In total, we lasted an impressive 20mins and 19secs without halt. Deducting that it was either we had surperb endurance and stamia or its the lack of sleep and overdose of high glucosed foods. (Speaking of which, Horroah! i've done it again! 24 hours sleep free...perfect for running into stationary objects ie. telegraph poles) In the finale, there just wasn't enough air for us both, and we had to immediately refrain ourselves from further brain damage. However, it should be good to know, besides a few newly well developed abdominal muscles and a few chest pains, we suffered not a giggle more.

On a more serious note, i really do enjoy these 'awfully futile' moments, where you just do what you do without a reason, without a cause and without a thought. It's a little reminder, a little post-it just to say that,
the vanishing childhood is still within a short distance from a friend's smile, the overwhelming montony is still dispersable with just a mischievious glint of the eye, and its these heavenly lucid memories which are overflowing with such beautiful innocence and ingenuous that will be imprinted within the walls of my mind forever.


Jieni wants to know:   11/08

How do you know how close you are to losing someone?
How do you know what it feels like when they are gone?
How do you know when they will come back?
If they have already left without a word.


I dont want to talk.
I dont want to smile.
I dont want to cry.
I dont want to sleep.
I dont want any of that unless its with you.


Jieni is Survivor (in physics lesson):   11/08

Period 6 began at 3.15 sharp.Your challenge: to complete a physics test on "Electricity". You may choose to work together as a team or contest as 'every man for himself'. By the end of the lesson, the tribunal will decide upon who will leave this island and who will stay.
Being late as usual, i was unable to sit with friends R. and E. Was, unfortunately placed a bench ahead, thus immediately severed my chances of gaining 'immunity' by half.

A hair pulling and teeth grinding 2 minutes into the test, I fell asleep. Becoming completely unaware that my head was a mere 0.01mm away from the exam paper. My physical contact with the test emersed through a phenomenum i've encountered a couple of times in the past month, as i later discovered that i indeed managed (somehow) to answer several questions in rather long syntaxes. (Which i shall later quote). Meanwhile, a bench behind me, E and R are furiously inscribbing their life onto the exam paper...or so i thought...until i found this:

E: How the fuck do you do question 1?
R: Which one?
E: First one!!
R: I don't know
E: Give me your answer!
R: But i really really dont know, i'm screwed. I dont know this. What's question 2?
E: Er, you're asking me?
R: Shit. i'm really full
E: My stomach is grumbling
R: What's Jieni doing?
E: Hey, whats the answer to question 1 again?


Jieni was praying on her physics paper, lolz anyhow, thats a typical lesson for you. E's attention span is non existent, R's stomach span is always expanding like the universe whilst my development in Narcolepsy is progresssing well. (Daytime sleep attacks may occur with or without warning and may be irresistible. These attacks can occur repeatedly in a single day.) What does that tic-tac woman say, "Great huh?".

The tribunal has spoken...i think i should just leave you with what i wrote in my physics test. This will be my final say:

Power plugs act as an life-saving device as it provides insulators around the inside wires to prevent people from strangling to death...electrocuting


Jieni's mobile arrest:   09/08

I went out today. Grounded for 2 month and went out on the 2nd week. Ingored my parents and walked out of the house. Bummed till 4.
CAUSE? definitely worthy
EFFECT? let me narrow it down...

scene: 9.15pm, i sit glued to the computer, Jay chou in the background, all is calm. Mum (aka maar-der) charges into my holy room with fire coming out of her enflared nostrils. I remain in inertia.

MAAARR-DER: YOU BROKE THE 2 MONTH PUNISHMENT!!! GIVE ME YOUR PHONE@! YOU MUST PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID!!@!#@! IM TAKING YOUR DAMN PHONE FOR AT LEAST 2 WEEKS@!@ !@#$#@% (translation into english: Muahah see you're never going to succeed in this power struggle...i will always be the dominating force)

Me: ...(where am i going tomorrow? the library. oh yeah.)

MAAARR-DER: YEAH@! YOU SEE..IM REALLY GOING TAKE YOUR PHONE NOW!! (translation: dammit, i see no response stirring on her freaking face...better trigger further provocation)

Me: ...(maybe i should just go and buy a voda sim?..wonder how much they cost, i think i can see my reflection on the computer screen..cool)

MAAARR-DER: YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE DO YOU?! @ (watches for any form of facial expression, none observed, takes away my mobile...before i could even make a quick steal of sim card and storms off.)

And so, there goes my second last connection to the outside wall. Now all i have left is this...the NET. The witch strikes again and i take the vow of silence. Looks like its the classic "Jieni YES/NO Stirfry" being served up now. How deliciously cold. And yet, it was worth it which perhaps is the sad thing.
It was all worth it.


Jieni's story:   08/08

I love opening an unread book. A creaseless face. A dry papery scent. So new. So fresh. The very first acknowledgement of flipping open the first page, the very first introduction of its rows of neat little black words, to the very first corner being folded with extreme precision and care. I have claimed the book rightfully mine.
Slotted into my possession without a word. I like owning things. A smooth transaction from there to here...here with me. Of course, the book eventually becomes tattered, ripped even and crease networked across. But it is only then...then could you see the true intensity of passion and love i beheld for the book. Such affection can only be expressed through the countless times ive opened and closed the book, the hundred and forty times ive read its flowing sentences and the way i always have it by my side as if its a part of me.
Its only then, will it glow with substance. Because, a book can only be taken into consideration to be a 'good piece of literature' if there are people to appreciate it, to praise it, to use it and to treasure it.

I dont think i want to close this book. Not yet. The story has only just begun...my story


Jieni the O'master of cramming:   06/08

Bow down before me for i am the one and true Master of Cramming. Learn it well dear child. It is an art. A worldly connection of the mind and the physical anatomy. I managed to break my own record today, completed an English Assessment in less than an hour (and this is coming from the person who takes like more than a week to complete a 2 page essay) oh, and in addition I snapped viciously at poor Ron ron, who got so frightened, she wilted and died on the spot. Lolz. Sincere apologies, i dont usually hiss and flash my fangs. Well, lets put credit to this great achievement shall we? Here's a small extract of what i was able to manufacture...

I like to think of myself as a spectator, a true appreciator of the refined. Neither deluded nor conceited. Like a faithful mirror I paint reality upon a stool perched high above the common folks. You must understand this. I am an introvert, an enigmatic hero roaming the streets of the cloned that strides and behaves in the same pace. I like to watch their composed Botox swelled faces; their drawn-on eyes, five star nose jobs and perfect pouts. I like to smell the fragrant aroma of lush green dollar bills, the unforgettable lingering scent of power, the seductive stench of youth. I like to taste lapping away at their highly sheen Italian leather shoes, savouring ravenously at their wrinkle-free Armani suits and shirts where even specs of dust dare not approach.

clap clap. Not bad for a plotless story starring an 72 year old hobo huh? lolz I dont really comprehend the reason behind my laughter...because it is perhaps one of my worst fears...to end up 72 huddled somewhere inside a PO box talking to myself about the joys of licking rich people's clothes. Or i could just end up with lots of feral cats and a rocking chair.

The future is bleak.


Jieni's advice:   03/08

"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one" -Willhelm Stekel.

I think one of these days, I'm going to have to find out where i want to go. And then I've got to start going there. But immediately. I cant afford to lose a miniute. Not me.

And i hate to tell you, but i think that once you have a fair idea where you want to go, your first move will be to apply yourself in school. You'll have to. You're a student- whether the idea appeals to you or not. You're in love with knowledge. Once you get past all the crap, you're going to start getting closer and closer- that is, if you want to, and if you look for it and wait for it- to the kind of information that will be very, very dear to your heart.
Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and sickened by human behaviour. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them-if you want to. Just someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isnt education. It's history. It's poetry.


Jieni Vs. Jieni:   31/07

Ultimate knockout. Do a 180 and BAM! You're a goner. I think i just knocked myself unconscious.
Heard once that conflict within one's mind instigates involuntary illusions. Known as the ambiguity complex. Where the person experiences severe doubts and uncertainty concerning almost everything they do or say. According to research (well, just basic common sense anyways), this is usually caused by insecruity and lack of confidence. The symptoms follows:

1. The individual suffers from permanently placing questions marks at the end of every sentence. ie. "You just shaved off my eyebrow? You sonavabitch? I'm going to kill you? You can eat your balls?" (Obviously, dont even bother an attempt to make intellectual conversations or stir up a fight with victims of this merciless complex, because the closest thing you will get is 21 questions)

2. The Unfortunate rambles digressively and may have the tendency to possess a slight "lith-p", stutter or even a twitch, resulting in an orchestra of incoherent sentences. (Hint: learn to sleep with your eyes open)

3. Lastly, the inability to concentrate. Their IQ may be somewhat reasonably high but it just may not be activated as yet and so, they'll be sitting in class one minute listening intently to the fascinating history of "locuses and parabolas" to the next, checking for spilt ends of the person in front of them and trying to cut them before the person actually realises. Or else, writing the words "hello" over and over again, because they flow so well on paper only to be caught out by the maths teacher with a concerned look.

I dont know why, but those symptoms sounds awfully familiar...Why do i suddenly feel like ive been slapped in the face? (Note: with my own hands.) I wonder how many other people ordeal with this condition? The inner battle? (oh god..the question marks!!) I guess, im really strugging, to be honest, I'm sucking in to stay afloat. I'm so disorientated. Digging my own grave at school, got my first detention today...never in my entire course of education have i ever recieved a detention, but guess i just exceeded myself. I hate school. I hate this resentment. But really, i really hate myself for giving birth to this "cumulative" work load thats just piling ontop of my desk. What's worse...i hate it when people say they hate themselves. Because its depressing really. You are your only true friend, one that's unfailing and totally commited to you. How possibly can you hate You?

I'm rambling...symptom number 2. I'm falling apart...symptom number 3. I'm thrown off the concourse...symptom 1.
I am exhibit A. Chuck me into a petri dish and watch me thrive in the agar of downfall. I call it the Spiral of Doom.


Jieni's arrest:   27/07

I've been grounded for 2 month for a crime i thoughtlessly commited. So now im taking on full responsibilty and serving my time. Lesson learnt. Experience earned. And penalty paid. The tallies are up on the wall as i count down the life long 56 days of being inside this blue cell. Perhaps, i will recieve parole on good behaviour? But otherwise, nothing to look forward to. Its going to be tough. I'm not the homely type...*(gtg out now..i'll finish this soon)

Ironic? I think i just left the house (hah but with family of course). Right now, i wouldnt exactly call it my high point in life. I try not to make excuses for the things i do...because its the weak people who make excuses to indulge in their denial. I know i can be a little old fashioned at times, for instance, i would prefer the guy asking the girl out, i put friendship quite ahead, and sometimes i would even sacrifice a little of myself for someone i cared and i dont believe in Revenage. But perhaps i'm a little to outdated? The times have changed. "Things are different now" as they say.


Jieni's average work rate:   25/07

Has just increased in the past 5 hours...the confession series are over. Been working really hard (harder than at school) on putting up NEW PHOTOS. And so...now with enough radiation from the monitor, i am able to finally produce my own light...yes..i think its best if i should retire to bed now.


Jieni's confession III:   24/07

Awake.
I miss you.
Asleep.
I miss you.
Screw this. I just really miss you.
That's all.

Jieni's confession II:   22/07

You. Sugar coated me baby. Enticed me into the sweet aroma of your life. Swept me across the floor of ecstasy. Labelled me yours. Held me down. Hard.

Hard to let go. Hard to forget. Hard to stop. The tides of longing too strong. Binded by neon ropes of hope. Blush. Bundle of butterflies in the stomach. So near breaths embraced together. Touch. A rush of a million cells. Oh God.

Made me pray. Prayed for you. Trembled before you. All for you.

You. A living fantasy.


Jieni's confession:   20/07

Its about control. Its about power. Its about overcoming the eternal struggle of logic, morality and raging hormones.
I think i have lost control. Completely powerless and overcomed.

For you. I have abandoned my pride. Surrendered into submission. And stripped naked of lies. Dwelling in a cloud of reverie.

Sit and rhapsodize; painting pretty pictures of what i would do...if you were mine.


Jieni's Ten Commandments:   18/07

1. Thou shall not worship any selected individual or individuals of the male species (consquently, i arise to be the devil kek jk)

2. Thou shall not restrain self from living the essence of bullshit (after all, how else will we get by without a little bullshit in our lives?)

3. Remember to splurge in all given occasions (key word: SPEND)

4. Thou shall be experimental and try everything (i mean EVERYTHING)

5. Honor yourself, and those who honor you

6. Thou shall not waste precious time, nor anyone elses. (yeah im talking about all you late-comers)

7. Never ever REGRET anything (whats done is done, learn to accept, appreciate and embrace)

8. Thou shall faithfully commit if you have found 'the One' (if not, keep the doors open, the phones on, and the sex appeal on HIGH)

9. Always greet another with a 'hello' and a 'goodbye' (otherwise you will shunned and labelled as a rude ingornant imbecile)

10. Finally, never deny yourself of ANYTHING you desire (no matter how foresaking it is to obtain...dont give up)


Jieni sits upon a rock and ponders:   16/07

Comedy represents the worse types of people; worse, however, not in the sense that it embraces any and every kind of badness, but in the sense that the ridiculus is a species of ugliness or badness. For the ridiculus consists in some form of error or ugliness that is not painful or injurious; the comic mask, for example, is distorted and ugly, but causes no pain.

My life is a comedy.


Jieni sees white:   14/07

Needless to say, my previous predictions on the "Family Trip" went accordingly. 45mins into the trip, and already a vicious fight broke out in the car, leaving me sulking and plotting an escape. Second day: I had gasts of fierce wind slapping tiny sharp particles of snow across my face and a strange struggle with my skiing skills. I seem to have lost the 'touch' this year. I became a Hazardous endangerment to all other skiers at Perisher.Achievements:
1. Crashed into safety net 3 times,
2. winded myself and now empathise with anyone whose ever got punched
3. charged into a queue of beginner skiiers by using 2 innocent kids as my landing. (Scared myself into a heart failure when one of the kid remained motionless in the snow crying for the longest 2 whole mins, convinced myself that I've just sent a 11 year old hurling into a wheelchair for the rest of his life) Oh, on top of that, i had a friendly crowd around me and the kid with the mother calling me repeatedly by the name "Stupid girl" despite my feeble attempts to tell that she had the wrong person, i was "jieni".

4. got myself utterly lost in a sea of cars during a blizzard without any food or water or shelter. An life-threatening 60 mins later, i was found waddling through the carpark with frozen fingers and bright pink cheeks. At first my search party couldnt even recognise me, they thought i was a tourist who has just arrived from Tibet.
5. understood the concept that without wearing gloves on a rope tow will cause rope burn. Which in most cases causes serious pain.
6. discovered 15 new individual bruises and broke 4 nails
7. it is not wise to stay awake for a sum of 12 hour car trip singing at the top of your lungs along to the whole collection of songs you have ever owned. Result: a very sore throat.

And so, that concludes my dreaded family trip. Nothing i didnt expect, lucky i was prepared. Now i must hibernate.


Jieni straps on seatbelts:   10/07

Family trip. Bonding, sharing, laughing, in-depth conversations, unconditional love and countless photos. If your family trips are like this i would suggest an immeadiate application form for the next Ned Flanders role in the all-time-favourite Simpsons. Family trip. Oh joy! The noise, the fuss, the three hour car trip and the two hours needed to round up everyone for a single click of the camera. Family trip. An worthy cause for the mental asylum visit afterwards or perhaps a weekly session with an pyschologist. Its evident that im not looking forward to a 'getaway' with my family to the snow. It should be fun. It should be good quality time. It should be something different from your usual city scene. And yet im not convinced. Maybe im just skeptical and dont want to accept the fact that its possible to be part of a happy family just for 3 days. Or maybe its just that i have already foreseen the chances of that. Ha! What a joke! Its a Family trip. MY FAMILY's trip. Need i say more? A few outcomes:
A. I wake up tomorrow suddenly mute, deaf and dumb as an mechnical defense to upcoming bickerings.
B. I hitchhike a ride back home somewhere between the first 3 hours of the trip
C. I get buried underneath an avalanche due to my mum's screaming
D. I meet some Edison-look-alike and have the time of my life whilst having deep and meaningfuls with my parents about life.

WOah boy, multiple choices huh? Eliminate D. for sure, now the tricky ones...i opt for E. all of the above except the last. Sigh, dreading is an awful thing to feel...but i fear, there may be more than what lies on the surface of me not wanting to participate in a family trip.
I fear something else, something more dreaded, something i dare not think about...something that hurts.


Jieni yearns for...? (not ciggerattes):   07/07

I want...i want...i want...Oh god...the damn CRAVINGS!!! Could it be more than just lust? Have you ever seen those Nicobate ads? They say "you are 10 times more likely to quit". Well, if you didnt notice, but typed in size 4 font at the bottom of the ad says "only compared to willpower." Pathetic! Its like saying we guarantee you a winning lottery ticket but we cant guarantee there'll be anything you can win Its like saying you will find happiness but just not in this life . Okay, i think you get the point. Willpower indeed. O where art thou, Willpower? I dont think i have the strength left to continue this infinite battle with these feelings. I surrender, the white flag is up. I've just allowed myself to fall victim once again to another kite flying relationship. I feel like the old laides in Micallef Tonight where they ask them the question: "True or False?" and they just blink, looking stunned... sigh. A no win situation. I'm submissive.
Please...put me out of this misery. Give me some answers. Give me what i want.
Anyhow, for now, i'm just going to embrace the sweet sucklety of my upcoming holidays. 3 delightful weeks of absolutely nothing. How precise and full of meaning the word is. A perfect symoblic representation of my current state. Total nothingness.

Jieni walks into fool's paradise:   05/07

Every night, i lay in bed to the soothing rise and fall of music, close my eyes and stumble into another night.
I cannot live without sound. It would be my greatest fear to be enveloped by muteness and smothered by silence. My Discman collapsed today during a inhumane fit on my mum's behalf. It flashed its last words on its screen, "F15" and i dont even have a clue what that meant. What a tragic ending. Especially when its master cannot even comprehend its last wishes, does it decode to "REVENAGE?" or "SHIT-FINALLY-MY-BIG-BREAK-AWAY-FROM-THE-MUSIC-NAZI?". People tell me, "its no big deal, just a discman, you've got your MD right?" And i tell them clucking my tongue, and shaking my head, "you dont understand..."
My discman, my MD, my music...they represent more than just a form of leisure, they've become my sole companionships. Inanimate objects which posesses more qualities than living beings. They concieve another dimension where i dont have to be alone when im walking by myself down the street, where i dont have to be shattered when things are falling apart and a place where i can be deaf against all the crap being hurled at me. And a placid vaccum where i can gather my dispersed thoughts. Its funny how such little things can mean so much. Its sentimental i guess. In the end, i suppose, it can ultimately be concluded that, i am in fact just another coward of being alone. Just another afraid-of-the-dark kid who needs their night light. Just another afraid-to-be-singled-out chubs who needs to give their daily bullying to scrawny sit-at-the-front-of-class kids. I, alike them, need my 'noise' to fullfill this constant sense of silence; emptiness; lonliness. Let me bathe forever in fool's paradise.
SO now, i lay in bed to the trembling rise and fall of my chest, close my eyes and stumble into my bed of tears.


Jieni's nervous laughter goes like this:   03/07

"Haha haahem" (looks the other direction) Sounds familiar? Yeah, thats how it goes, a cross breed between laughing and a coughing up a hair ball. My new revelation for the day, don't attempt to disguise uncomfortable situations with nervous laughters or fits of hysterical giggles. Why? Because it makes the already blundering atmosphere ten times worse. Those involuntary laughs will appear to echo half way through the universe, and only by then, will you realise that the whole world has fallen into an eerie silence. Whether or not its your overly high pitched laughs that has silenced the 1 km radius around you into an auidence of 'concerned looks', it would have undoubtfully assisted in making your embrassment known to the general population. I'll be happy to give you an example.
For instance, ask yourself, when exactly is the MOST awkward moment? No, not when you're caught doing a number 2 at a friend's sleep over (thats just plain...okai okai..thats pretty awkward). But to be frank, i think it would be the aftermath of kissing that would definitely be the most unpolished and unrefined moment. (take into consideration that it has just been a fairly long pashing session but nothing more) Picture this.
You've just finished kissing right? And naturally you'll be just millimetres from someone, this is the point where their facial features appear to be placed infront of a convex glass piece and you can literally extract every H2O molecule that's just hanging from the corner of the mouth. Eye contact is eminent. Facial expressions twitch. To smile or not to smile? To speak or not to speak? To breathe or not to breathe? (In some cases, to search for nearest exit or to bolt?) Anyhow, conclusion is the same, there's the panicking fear of being so close to another person, of feeling raw and exposed to all your flaws and theirs, and the vague memory of their taste, tongue, lips from just 2 secs ago. The queer feeling of just being physically connected or mouth plugged with someone still stirs inside your head along with a million other thoughts of last nights dinner, last week's conversation, last year's saliva swap with ex...etc. Whilst your face is struggling frantically to keep up with your head. Both parties are feeling ragged and overwhelmed and yet still battling to keep a straight face or some sort of face. Thus the grand introduction of awkwardness. A emotional saga which too often leads to the above mentioned syndrome of the uncontrollable NERVOUS LAUGHTER. Followed by a extremely sense of incredible dumbfoundness and immaturity. Frequently, leaving the kissing couple in a chorus of "What the...?"
I wonder how many people out there have experienced this? Or something along those lines? Perhaps its just me and my pre-event motive for the so-called nervous laughter syndrome. The art of the artless.


Jieni's first time:   01/07

My friend R loves to use the word "ORGASMIC" to describe anything thats considered "good"...and numerous times ive always told her that she has employed the term in the wrong context because as far as i can see it, the big O may only apply to a certain experience. However, today, i finally comprehended the true meaning of the word. My God it was good~! ^^ Here lies the situation:
Me: Whats that?
R: Picnic ice cream
Me: Oh.
R: Have a spoonful
Me: Nah, its okay, i prefer Coopenhagen's Cookies and Cream. Mm okay just one spoonful.
R: its good isnt it?
Me: (eyes closed) ...mMmmMMmMMMmMMMmm
5 secs and 50 scoops later, looking flushed
Me: That was mind blowing!
Yes so, R and i just sat there in her magazine-cut-out house, sitting on newly varnished wooden floors with warm mellow lighting and the perfect view, totally indulging in an ORGASMIC sensation. I swear, from the very first moment it lands on your tongue, to the ever-so-gradual escalation of the creamy sweetness to the intense collision between the coldness and the warmth of your mouth, to the very last drop of the lingering honeycomb explosion. I melt in ecstasy. Yes. Truely orgasmic.
Its the single scoop of pleasure that makes my life just a little less repressed, a litte less monotonous, and perhaps just a little less frigid.


Jieni's stare-off with computer screen:

I've never really understood the concept of WWF but today, I was quite enforced into the enlightment of the 'sport'. It was one of those unjustly 'matches' since i was obviously disadvantaged in my build and strength. There was alot of pleading and whinging on my behalf...boy do i feel for those skinny rib-cage visible dudes chucked onto the ring with a massive chunk of meat? lolz What do they call themselves again? They always seem to have those silly little names for those huge bulks in leotards and capes. 'The Prawn VS The 3 ton WHALE'? Oh something along those lines. Anyways, I believe the whole wrestling thing is a form of distasteful behaviour. Reminds me of a pack of Pink Elephants attempting to devour each other up.
Why do people,men especially, find such amusing entertainment from such a awkward sport? There is an awful lot of groping and poking. Not to mention the clutches of handfuls of raw flab/muscle/flesh/hair/anything grabbable. Of course i almost forgot to mention the main spice to this manifest of meaty bodies, Sweat. Ah the key component, just mix it all in and share it with fellow contestants. (Shudder) And its not as if these hairy clammy men do their 'thing' with each other GRACEFULLY. I mean im sure they would look at least half civil if they squealed whilst doing a bit of slow motion slapping to some classic Beethoven's Sonatas. That way they could be Whinging Whores of Fighting rather than be clumsy oofs trying to out-sweat each other.
I think i've said enough about WWF. When you think about it, life is alot like wrestling, we are all awkward pink elephants placed within a ring and ordered to waltz. Its difficult. Its a struggle thats for sure. But the dance continues and there will always be people out there finding it as their source of amusement. I dont really know what i'm saying, but its sounds good. Mooo Moo Moo...? lolz


Jieni quivers with bitterness:

Water freezes at 0 degrees. However today was only a painfully humid 8 degrees. Ingeniously, ive also discovered a new form of work-out that tones the WHOLE body, forget tae chi or yoga or pilates, get your arse into "Shivering". Cost free and guaranteed results. (Although it must be noted that you might lose all sensations in certain wind-pron areas and do not be alarmed if those parts begin falling off, but do keep an eye out for fingers especially) Yes. It should be clarified that the 2nd ICE AGE has begun, secure your pose now so that it will be preserved later for future historians. And if you're lucky, you might even end up in those yearly "Ice sculpture shows".
I havent been able to resist myself from cheering after each bell at school to signal the end of a period. If only the others shared my enthusiasm then maybe i would propose a class Mexican wave at the end of every lesson. I'm itching with anticipation, just 3 more days. Imprisonment is a test for patience but i know im already going mad. Oh, just to let you know, the station guitarist has made a quick escapade from my toothy grins. There goes my potential finanical supporter. What a short-lived yet profound time we had together; I wanted to take, but he didnt want to give. Sigh, the reoccuring enigma of every relationship. I'm so sick of short-term relationships...right now im just craving for something that would outlast a sumo doing 5 push ups.
Oh, and just a little note, my friend is changing...shes transformed to someone that i'm no longer sure of...and i recall her dislike for me during my 'morphing' period but now i know how she felt then...i must say...im not exactly a fan of the new her. When your friends change in their lifestyle, friends, social life or attitude whether for the better or worse...its most likely you will feel left behind..desolated. And unchanged.


Jieni hollers in frustration:

If I were an beaver I would gnaw through my computer desk and anything that appears to be made out of wood. Yes. I am frustrated. Not just the fact that i lost my last two blogs (especially the highly 'erotic' piece on my arousal of the blueberry bagels) but the fact that nothing seems to be in momentum to each other. My life appears to be constricted to a daily schedule of going to school, watching the hour hand crawl to 4.30, go home, and whorship 'TV O'Mighty' and fall asleep entangled in my own earphones. (Word of warning for children, it is dangerous to sleep listening to music as the wires tend to become of a choking harzard)
To make matters worse i have began subconsciously twice a day plotting devious plans to how to steal loose change from the guitar player outside the station without being caught. Why? Because that street guitarist has more money than me. Ahhh the call of Desperation. I wonder how many people question their sanity? I'm aware that it is highly irregular for a sane person to wake up at 4am to go JOGGING. A rather 'creepy' time, considering that only flickers of street lights are visible and the howls of a lonesome man/animal still lingers in the air, cold cold air. Hence it is only natural for me to question my sanity once in a while.

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