Raiders of the Lost Bark

 

Indiana Jones theme begins. On the screen it shows the classic Indiana Jones red line going from spot to spot. We hear Indiana’s voice

 

Missouri Jones- I’d just received word that an ancient lost temple had been uncovered in the Middle East. I was full of lost artifacts and treasures that could change the course of humanity. But of course, I had to make sure they ended up in a museum. So after assembling a top notch exploration team of scientist, explorers, and easily killed extras… I was on my way, to Franastan.

 

Music stops. Missouri, Dr. Tracker, and the Expendable enter stage right, moving slowly as if in a booby trapped filled cavern. The Expendable walks shaken up front.

 

Missouri- This is it Dr. Tracker, the lost ancient catacomb of the Ogga-ogga-ogga-zip-doing-bunna-boo tribe. And their golden banana idol can’t be too far.

 

Dr. Tracker- Missy-

 

Missouri- Missouri.

 

Dr. Tracker- Missouri, these natives won’t let their most sacred relic go that easily. They are very primitive. They wear animal skins, eat bugs, live in jungles, flick their boogers, and still use floppy disc and landlines.

 

Missouri - Nothing to fear, doc. I’ve dealt with these PBS watching brutes before. They’re savages!

 

Dr. Tracker- Was that when you were in a galaxy far far away?

 

Missouri - No, the was from the last raiding a lost ark from a temple of doom crusade I went on.

 

Bumps into the Expendable, who has stopped in the middle of the stage, too scared to go on.

 

Missouri - Hey, what’s the hold up here, bud?

 

Expendable- Yoop doo nah blah baa ug a toyee toyee RAAAAH!

 

Missouri - What he say?

 

Dr. Tracker- He says he won’t go further, there’s bad boogie woogie magic ahead.

 

Missouri - Oh for pete’s sake. Listen ya little dress wearing goof, keep going or I’ll shove that turban up your nose!

 

Expendable gulps and timidly goes on

 

Dr. Tracker- You know, maybe he’s right. We’ve already lost 18 of his comrades. Aren’t you worried about the booby traps?

 

Missouri - Not at all. Me and you are main characters, he’s an expendable. A main character never dies before an expendable. As long as he’s around, we have nothing to worry about.

 

Just then Expendable trips, screams, and is pulled off stage screaming.

 

Missouri- Uh… how about you take the front for a while?

 

Suddenly two guards enter in stage left, with spears and war paint on. They ramble on in native tongue

 

Missouri - Whoa whoa, hey. Calm down. We have traveled many miles to meet your people and observe your culture. Please do not stick your spears into us, as our people would consider that to be rude! (Guards mutter to each other)

 

Missouri - What they saying?

 

Dr. Tracker- They’re saying let’s take the pretty one and kill the loudmouth with the dumb hat.

 

Missouri - Now just a minute here! (they stick spears in his face) Okay, okay. Got a dumb hat, okay, no problem, dumb hat, DUMB hat, okay.

 

Dr. Tracker- (goes past Indiana to talk to natives) Ogga. Oggy boogy, woog doogy, nog nog. (Guards talk, only saying variables of “Ogga” and “zip”)

 

Missouri- What they say?

 

Dr Tracker- They said they know right where their treasure is, and they’d be happy to share it with us.

 

Missouri- Where is it?!

 

Dr. Tracker- Oggy boog? (guards respond)

 

Dr. Tracker- In this cave.

 

Missouri- Where in the cave!?

 

Dr. Tracker- Ug, I hate being in the middle. Oggy boogy nug nug? (guards respond)

 

Dr. Tracker- They’ll tell me, but not with you around. Could you step back just a little bit. (He steps back, guards complain) More. (He does, guards still complain) Just a little more.

Missouri- (goes clear across stage, mad) How’s THIS?! 

Dr. Tracker- (guards respond) That’s good, thanks.

Guards leave and one comes back with a bunch of bananas on a pedestal, as the other one bows and worships it

Dr. Tracker- Oh thank you so much! Indiana, we got the Golden Bananas!

Just then Expendable, now dressed as a Nazi comes in from behind stage and takes the bananas

Expendable- No, I have them! Ha ha, stupid Missouri Jones jerk! You and your little girlfriend doctor person have fallen right into my trap! With this powerful fruit the Alliance will fall, ha ha ha! Hail von Hitler!

Missouri- Expendable! You dirty traitor! And after all we’ve been through.

Expendable- Don’t move! (takes a banana off and puts in to Dr. Tracker’s head) Unless you want sticky mess in American girl’s hair!

Missouri- Okay Expendable-Who’s-Really-a-Nazi, let’s not get crazy. Just put the banana down.

Expendable- Don’t move any closer Missy!

Missouri- Don’t… call me… Missy! (Indiana Jones theme comes on) Ahhh!

Gets out a pool noodle instead of a wimp and snaps the banana out of Expendables hands. He goes for it, as does Missouri. They hold it up and struggle to get it, back and forth. Dr. Tracker and the natives are screaming and cheering Missy on! Finally, Missouri gets a hold of the banana and force feeds it to Expendable, until he passes out. Natives cheer and Dr. Tracker jumps for joy.

Dr. Tracker- Oh Missy!

Missouri- Missouri! Now lets get those banana’s and get!

Grabs the bananas and lights start flashing. Theirs sounds of an earthquake, and the guards are screaming and jumping around

Dr. Tracker- What is that, what’d we set off?!

Missouri- Hold on! It’s coming!

Dr. Tracker- What is?

Missouir- A sermon from Pastor Shawn, run for your life!!!

They all run off stage, lights go out