THE CLIQUE STORE

 

Scene opens with the Clerk standing at the counter, writing on a clipboard and humming to himself. A lady Sarah walks in and approaches the counter.

 

Sarah- Uh, excuse me.

 

Clerk- Oh, yes, can I help you?

 

Sarah- Yeah, my friends birthday’s coming up, and I saw your sign out front with that French word on it, and I thought she might like something that’s French.

 

Clerk- (laughs) Well I’m very sorry miss, but that word is “click”. We don’t sell French items here, we uh… we sell cliques!

 

Sarah- Okay… how do you do that?

 

Clerk- Well we um- (valley girl walks in) Excuse me one moment. (to Valley Girl) Yes can I help you?

 

Valley Girl- Hi. Like, I really need to talk to someone about being, like, popular and stuff.

 

Clerk- Good good, you’ve come to the right place. So what type of stereo-type we’re you planning on starting?

 

Valley Girl- … Oh I already got a stereo. It’s out there in my Lexus, my daddy bought it for me.

 

Clerk- No ma’am, you don’t understand, stereo-type. It’s an assumed personality or role that a group of people with common interest have. And it’s really the place to start when you want to start a clique.

 

Valley Girl- Tsh, what-Ever.

 

Clerk- Yes yes… Now what kind of group of friends do you want?

 

Valley Girl- Oh I’ll be friends with anybody! For real, I love everybody, I just don’t like hanging out with all those gross weirdos at school! I mean they try and talk to me like I care what they’re saying, and they don’t realize how much I have to do, that I could be doing, if they weren’t bothering me!

 

Clerk- Right. Now what about dress code?

 

Valley Girl- The what?

 

Clerk- Dress code! I mean… how are you going to dress to distinguish your self as a clique, can they just wear anything they want, or what?

 

Valley Girl- What? Oh gosh no! No, I, I just, ug, I can’t stand it! When I see someone wearing, like, socks and sandals, oh my gosh, yuck! You won’t believe it, but I heard some kids at school actually shop at Wal-Mart. For clothes! And then they wear them, can you believe that!? It’s like, okay Mr. Button-down-plaid-shirt-still-stuck-in-1995, would you please have some self respect. I can’t have that around me! I got style, I meet my friends at Vanity and the Buckle, okay?

 

Clerk- Of course, of course. Now any other stipulations or rules for who can be in your (does figure motion for quotations) “clique”. (laughs)

 

Valley Girl- (laughing) Oh my gosh, you are so funny! But okay… they have to know how to party. Um, their parents have got to be rich. Oh, they have to be perfect. If I have to at the faces around me, they should be cute! Just not more cute than me. (smiles sweetly)

 

Clerk- Fine, fine. Well that’s should be just about everything. Now, what we’re you planning on naming your group, every group does need a label, you know.

 

Valley Girl- Oh, I got this name, it’s so cool. How about “Pretty Perfect People”? Isn’t that great, the little 3 p’s thing?

 

Clerk- Yes, that’s uh, great, but just a bit too long. I mean, it sounds like your clique would really be “preparing” for life, so why don’t we call them “preps”?

 

Valley Girl- Preps? I kinda like that, pa-reps!

 

Clerk- Yes it is “cute” isn’t it? (they both laugh hysterically) Now I just need you to sign on the dotted line here. (she signs it slowly, as if in cursive) There you are. We’ll send you the full package in the mail.

 

Valley Girl- Oh, thank you much, you so sweet! (turns to leave) My friends are going to love this! (she exits)

 

Clerk- Yes they will… Now I’m very sorry miss, how can I help you?

 

Sarah- That is so just amazing, you really do sell cliques here, holy cow!

 

Clerk- Precisely.

Sarah- Is business any good?

 

Clerk- Well I should say so and it keeps getting better all the time, ALL the time.

 

Sarah- I bet you hear a lot of different ideas, huh?

 

Clerk- Not really no. I mean most people think they’re on to something new and exciting, but society has always tried to label it’s self into classes.

 

A Nerd Boy enters the store and approaches the counter

 

Clerk- Oh, excuse me, just one moment. Yes sir?

 

Nerd Boy- Hello sir. (talks like he has a lot of spit in his mouth, and in an official tone)I am on a quest to begin my own social clique, and I heard this is the best place.

 

Clerk- This is the only place young sir. Now what kind of social group would you prefer?

 

Nerd Boy- What I’m after is a group of today’s youth that can really appreciate the wonder of science fiction. I was just on a message board last night discussing how science fiction has shaped the culture of today’s society and space drama has been somewhat tabooed by the arrival of the sitcom and press realease that William Shattner does in fact wear a toupee. And who brought that story to the press? Mark Hamill! Now I respect Luke Skywalker, but you know as well as me that George Lucus did not-

 

Clerk- Wow, that is really something, so I’m seeing that you would like a group of friends to discuss, what, Star Wars with?

 

Nerd Boy- Yes, people who think outside the box of this reality. Plus they want to play video games and some D&D tournaments. Did you know the original role playing game was only an 80 page guide and two dice? Most people don’t even realize that rpgs didn’t originate in video games, although Nintendo did give the genre it’s first boost with the Zelda series, but it never reached a broad public until the 1996 release of squaresofts Final Fantasy VII-

 

Clerk- Okay okay, good, yes. So just anyone who likes to play video games, make webpages, and watch Star Trek, then, right?

 

Nerd Boy- No cause see, we see the world as it really is. I don’t want a bunch of snot nosed people on our backs trying to belittle our creativity. The media has tried to paste over the small cells of computer programmers shaping the world until computer animation has first used in Disney’s 1980 release of Tron. Those people don’t see who we are, that we are the ones ruling their world, if J.R.R. Tolkien was here, he’d testify with me, that it’s the Ring they’re after, the One Ring, that represents the machine-

 

Clerk- My gosh, would you shut your mouth!!! So you want a clique of fantasy obsessed, pimple faced, brainiacs, fine! (calming down) Why don’t we call your group Geeks.

 

Nerd Boy- Geeks?

 

Clerk- Yes. That’s Greeks, with the “r” taken out. The Greeks were all great thinkers and they just loved mythology! You really do have a lot in common, but I don’t want to “Force” you to! (they both laugh at stupid joke)

 

Nerd Boy- Then it is good, salesman man. Where do I sign?

 

Clerk- Right here on the dotted line. You will be billed later for this.

 

Nerd Boy- (signs sheet) Thank you very much sir. The guys down at the Magic Card tournament are gonna love this! (he exits)

 

Sarah- That is just amazing!

 

Clerk- What is?

 

Sarah- I mean how you just make that stuff up like that.

 

Clerk- I beg your pardon, I don’t make anything up! Why I’m like any other salesman, I mearly ask the costumer what he wants, and, well then I give it to him. (smiles)

 

Sarah- Well I don’t know, I’ve never seen anything like this… is this all legal?

 

Clerk- Well of course it is. My good lady, it’s everyone’s constitutional right to gather with anyone any way that they choose.

 

Sarah- Well what about having friends?

 

Clerk- What?

 

Sarah- Friends?

 

Clerk- Oh that. Well friends really such a vague term you understand, it just doesn’t apply here. Friendship is except people for who they are, now how can that benefit anyone?

 

A Goth dressed all in black, hunched over, comes into the store and up to the counter

 

Clerk- Uh, excuse me, just one moment. Yes sir?

 

Goth- ….. This the place you come to get your own clique?

 

Clerk- Yes (laughs) that’s what it says on the door.

 

Goth- Why is that funny?

 

Clerk- Uh, I uh, don’t… well (ahem) what kind of a clique were you planning on forming, sir?

 

Goth- I want something were we can all be individuals, and let our true selves come out, without fear of what anyone will do or say.

 

Clerk- Yes, that’s very good, very good. Was there a dress code?

 

Goth- Yes, everyone has spikes, piercing, and dresses in black, red, and fishnets.

 

Sarah- Everyone?

 

Goth- Yeah why?

 

Sarah- Nothing, just you said everyone was supposed to be individuals-

 

Goth- Are you judging me?

 

Sarah- No! No, I didn’t mean-

 

Goth- (to Clerk) Who is this? She starting a put down clique?

 

Clerk- No sir, it’s fine, she’s just another customer, now as you were saying-

 

Goth- (back to Sarah) You hate me, don’t you? You don’t even know me!

 

Sarah- I didn’t say that!

 

Goth- There is no acceptance, none!

 

Clerk- Your absolutely right sir, there is none, but that’s the best part! I can provide you and you’re entire clique with nooses, guns, poisons, and maps to the highest bridges in the area so that you can end the pain any time you wish.

 

Goth- …That sounds good. Where do I sign?

 

Sarah- Wait! You can’t sign that thing, you don’t want to hurt yourself!

 

Goth- I don’t?

 

Clerk- Yes you do sir, its part of your clique, with it’s death theme. Since cemeteries have a gothic theme, you could call yourselves Goths

 

Sarah- Do you hear what you’re telling him?! Listen you get out of here and don’t come back!

 

Sarah shoves the confused Goth out the door

 

Clerk- Sir, sir! Did I mention that we bill you later on all of this? Sir- (to Sarah) Now just what do you think your doing, you’ve just ruined a perfectly good sale just now!

 

Sarah- Now hold up! I don’t like this place and I don’t think I like you either! That guy has hurting like crazy inside and you’re just feeding it! These people’ve just want to feel like they’re part of something, of a community. They think that being around a bunch of other people with their same problems are going to bring them peace and comfort, and your promising them that!

 

Clerk- Now hold on a minute, just one minute! I never promised anything! Once the customer comes in, signs on the dotted line, he’s on his own, I don’t guarantee these things!

 

Sarah- No guarantee?

 

Clerk- Oh course not! Miss, do you think I would have promised belonging to a community to the Heaven’s Gates cult if I had to guarantee it? Poor people were falling apart. No no, my good lady. Besides, everyone knows there’s only one guaranteed accepting community and that one’s free. Well, fortunately none of my customers know about it.

 

Sarah- You must mean the Church.

 

Clerk- Uh, please don’t say that word here.

 

Sarah- The Church, why, what’s wrong with the Church?

 

Clerk- Ma’am, ma’am control yourself, you’re going to ruin a perfectly good sales area! Let me give a little advice, strictly off the record. Church and the products that I sell, they, they don’t mix! Its like oil and water, black and white, light and darkness! Church is much to accepting! They let everyone in and love everyone no matter how they dress or think or act, now can that leave anyone out?!

 

Sarah- Who wants to leave anyone out?

 

Clerk- I DO!!! I do! Young lady haven’t you been watching haven’t you been paying attention?! For thousands of years I’ve been trying to torture men’s minds with telling them they don’t have any friends, they’re all alone, no one loves, anything to keep them hiding away in cliques, anything to keep them from seeing the light!

 

Sarah- The light?

 

Clerk- Oh ma’am, it’s perfectly obvious you’re ignorant in these matters! Here (hands her card) here’s my card. If you should ever need any help in finding your place in the world, don’t hesitate to look me up. Now go on, I don’t have to stand here and dilly-dally with you. The Great Awakening is coming.

 

Sarah- (turning to leave) What does that mean?

 

Clerk- It means that we’re going out of business soon!