Clash of the Youth Pastors

 

Lights come up on Pastor Shawn’s office, which is covered in pink and lace. The Captain Kirk stand-up is gone, replaced with a girly mirror or a Texan flag,  the Indian Jones Trilogy is gone, replaced with Sweet Home Alabama and The Wedding Singer. The computers purple, everything, you get the idea.

 

Pastor Shawn walks in, immediately shocked at how different his office is. He’s carrying <something ugly that a guy would think is cool> under his arm as he walks in.

 

Pastor Shawn- What the…? (Looks around office) Where’d my Captain Kirk go? (He’s obviously annoyed by the changes, but sits at his desk, trying to be in a good mood anyway) Well, praise God… (Sets <something> on desk. Starts to look for something on his desk, starts to go through drawers and stuff) Where’d that thing go?...

 

Jeremy Pace sticks his head in the office

 

Jeremy- Hey Pastor Shawn, what’d you want the skit to be on?

 

Pastor Shawn- Midgets.

 

Jeremy- Midgets?

 

Pastor Shawn- Mm, hm.

 

Jeremy- Okay… (leaves)

 

Jesse- (walks into the office) Oh, howdy Shawn.

 

Pastor Shawn- Hey Jesse. Have you seen my daytime planner?

 

Jesse- Oh… did you still need that?

 

Pastor Shawn- Yes, I still needed that!  

 

Jesse- Oh I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, you know what, I was going through some off the stuff around here, and I didn’t think you were planning on using it anymore.

 

Pastor Shawn- Jesse, I’m still the youth pastor here for another 2 weeks!

 

Jesse- I know I know. But ya’ll did say I could start moving in anytime I wanted to.

 

Pastor Shawn- Yes, I know, but I didn’t mean me move out yet. Like here, (walks over to bookshelf) where’s my Indiana Jones Trilogy box? What have you got here, “My Best Friends Wedding”, and “You Got Mail”?

 

Jesse- Now don’t get all excited, it’s not like I threw it away. (kinda under her breath, looking at the papers in her hand) It went for $40 on e-bay…

 

Pastor Shawn- You sold Indy?!

 

Jesse- Only because the guy said he wouldn’t take the Captain Kirk thing without it! And besides, I needed to pay my little pink lamp stand. (points to lamp)

 

Pastor Shawn- (clenches fist, closes eyes) Ya know what, it’s okay. Fine, it’s okay, really. I just need to get some work done, that’s all. (he sits at desk, getting ready to do something at his computer. Jesse kinda hovers over him, swaying back and forth) …What?

 

Jesse- Um, actually, I needed to use ya’ll desk for just a tiny second.

 

Pastor Shawn- Fine, okay. I’ll be back in little bit. (A bit reluctantly leaves the room)

 

Jesse- (sits at desk, see <something>) What is this ugly thing? (Puts it under the desk)

 

Jeremy walks in

 

Jeremy- Pastor Shawn? Oh hi, Jesse. You know where Pastor Shawn went?

 

Jesse- Oh he ran off somewhere. There somethin’ I can help y’all with?

 

Jeremy- Oh well, uh… I was just wanted to see how he liked my skit idea.

 

Jesse- (not really looking up from her work) Oh I’m sure whatever you want to make up is fine.

 

Jeremy- For real? Awesome, thanks Jesse! (runs out of office)

 

Luke comes in the room with a clipboard as  Jeremy exits

 

Luke- Jesse, this is great, I have got the best idea for an MYC commercial!

 

Jesse- Oh really, let me see it!

 

As they hunch over desk to look at Luke’s papers together and start to talk about it. Pastor Shawn comes back in

 

Pastor Shawn- Hey Luke how’s it going? (neither of them respond). Uh, what you guys looking at? (comes over behind desk and looks over Luke’s shoulder. Luke gives him a look and leans in closer so he can’t see. Pastor Shawn rolls his eyes and stand with his back to them, hands in his pockets)

 

Trent and Jeremy Carmody come in

 

Trent- Is Jesse busy?

 

Jeremy C- Hey ya Shawn. (Pastor Shawn raises an eyebrow to him) PASTOR Shawn, sorry.

 

Pastor Shawn- (still glaring at Carmody) Yes, she’s a little busy right now Trent. Can I help you guys?

 

Jeremy C- We wanted her to hear our new song for worship.

 

Pastor Shawn-… You guys aren’t on the worship team.

 

Jesse- (looks up) Oh that was me, Pastor Shawn. I went ahead and okayed it since I knew you’d be busy.

 

Trent- Yeah, Jesse’s TIGHT! (The three of them flash gang signs at each other)

 

Pastor Shawn- Wait, hold on a second! Guys, I’m still the youth pastor for a little while!

 

Jeremy C- And you decorated your office like this?

 

Luke- (gets up from reading stuff) So that’s the basic idea, but I need to show you the rest in the media room.

 

Jesse- Okay sounds great. Boys, why don’t you play your new song for me in there?

 

Trent- Okay! We love you Jesse!

Jeremy C- Yeah, you’re awesome! (everyone leaves)

Pastor Shawn sits back behind his desk, notices his <something> is gone, looks under the desk, and puts it back on top. Just then Sarah Regina enters

Sarah- Hey, Jesse! (let down) Oh it’s you Pastor Shawn.

Pastor Shawn- Hey Sarah, what’s up?

Sarah- …nothing much- Do you know where PJ went?

 

Pastor Shawn-… PJ?

 

Sarah- Yeah, Pastor Jesse! Isn’t that just totally cool?!

 

Pastor Shawn- She’s not actually the pastor yet Sarah, I’m still the youth-

 

Sarah- What is that thing on your desk?

 

Pastor Shawn- This is a <describes the something>.

 

 Sarah- That is so ugly.

 

Pastor Shawn- Well it’s my desk!

 

Sarah- Well it’s PJ’s office!

 

Pastor Shawn- Not for 2 weeks it’s not!

 

Jeremy Pace comes in

 

Jeremy- Hey, Pastor Shawn! I finished the script! (hands it to him)

 

Pastor Shawn- (reads first of it) Jeremy, I told you write one about midgets!

 

Jeremy- But PJ told me-

 

Pastor Shawn- I don’t care what PJ told you, I’m STILL the youth pastor here!

 

Jeremy- (almost teary eyed) Okay, okay fine! I’ll go write another one about your stupid midgets! (runs out of office)

 

Just then Jesse comes in with Jeremy C and Trent following her, playing guitar and singing

 

Jeremy C and Trent- (singing) Jesus is cool! Jesus is cool! Jesus is really really really REALLY cool, yeah!

 

Jesse- That is just wonderful boys, keep it up!

 

Sarah- Jesse! Okay, so remember what we said about the internship this year? I was thinking-

 

Pastor Shawn- Wait, Sarah, you said we were gonna do my idea. You know, about the whole Journey thing?

 

Sarah- Uh yeah. Back when you where still pastor.

 

Pastor Shawn- I am still pastor!

 

Jesse- (holds up two fingers) For two weeks.

 

(Pastor Shawn throws his arms up and goes behind the desk, as if he’s looking out the window trying to cool down)

 

Sarah- So let’s talk about it at the girls night, okay?

 

Jesse- Yeah, and I’ll show y’all how to make Texas pancakes!

 

Sarah- Rock on! (give each other high five, and Sarah leaves, as do Trent and Carmody

 

Phone rings, voice says “Soon not to be Pastor Shawn, your wife is on line 2, soon not to be Pastor Shawn, line 2” Pastor Shawn turns to get it

 

Jesse- Don’t you worry Pastor, I got this one. (picks up phone, as she puts <something> under desk again) Hello, this is Jesse. Well hi Becka, how is everything? Oh really? Oh, that’s a shame…

 

Pastor Shawn- (still looking out window) Hey, why is Dan Dudeck towing my car away?!

 

Jesse- (on phone) Yeah you better put her on… Hi, Katie sweety, how’s my little angle? Aw, you hurt your foot? Aw, it’s okay. Yes yes, Mama knows.

 

Pastor Shawn- Okay, that’s does it! (hangs up phone) Jesse Gibson, give me back my life, dang it!

 

Jesse- (somewhat taken back by his sudden brashness) Pastor Shawn, I am merely trying to ease into transitioning to this office.

 

Jeremy comes in with yet another script

 

Jeremy- Here! (puts it down script in front of Jesse) I hope you’re all happy now!

 

Jesse- (takes one look at script)  Jeremy, midgets? Come on now, I’m sure you could come up with a better idea than that.

 

Jeremy- …..AHHHHHHHHH! (runs out of office)

 

Pastor Shawn- Jesse, I want the skit to be about midgets! And I want my parking space back! And- (reaches under desk, puts <something> back on top of desk) I want this to stay right here!

 

Jesse- It’s ugly! (puts it under desk)

 

Pastor Shawn- It stays! (puts it back on desk)

 

Goes back and forth for a while, “Ugly!” “Stays!” “Ugly!” “Stays!”. Finally Brad walks into the office.

 

Brad- Um, pastor?

 

Pastor Shawn and Jesse- (both look at him) WHAT?!

 

Brad- Uh, I was just gonna tell you, um…. (looks at scene and doesn’t want to be involved) Nevermind. (he leaves)

 

Pastor Shawn- Oh so you’re all answering to “pastor” now!

 

Jesse- You best get outta my face, Shawn!

 

Pastor Shawn- Let’s finish this!

 

Jesse- Where?

 

Pastor Shawn- Here!

 

Jesse- When?

 

Pastor Shawn- Now!

 

Jesse- Fine!

 

Lean over desk and put hands together for Thumb War

 

Pastor Shawn and Jesse- One-two-three-four! I declare a thumb war! Five-six-seven-eight! Try and keep your thumbs straight!

 

They struggle for a few minutes before Jesse gets his thumb and pounds it on the desk three times

 

Jesse- One two three! Yes! YES!

 

Pastor Shawn- No! Two out of three!

 

Jesse- You’re going down, clown!

 

Let’s start another match as the lights go out