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| THE ANKH-MORPORK DAILY Volume 15, Issue 1 Hogswatch day |
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| Hogfather Imposter Replaces Real Fake Causes Chaos In Crumely's Hogfather Grotto By Purm Cidexous Early last night, at Crumley's Hogfather Grotto, the Hogfather actor exploded. The man, the sled, the mechanical pigs, all disappeared with no advance warning. They were immediately replaced by a fake imposter in a Hogfather suit not the REAL imposter at all. The imposter was sitting in a crude wooden sled, which was led by the four most unpiglike pigs I have ever seen. One of them immediately relieved itself on the floor. Along with him was an extremely rude old person. This strange individual claimed to be a fairy cobbler, and called himself "Mr. Heavy". Gives Mysterious Gifts For Free Despite the interruption, children still insisted on seeing the Hogfather. Instead of the traditional orange or balloon, this imposter managed to pull out of his sack exactly what each child |
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| Corpse and Assassin Interrupt UU Faculty's Hogswatch Feast Brings Game of Sardines to a Halt By Elben Grimmons While playing a game of "Sardines",; which is apparently a version of "Hide-and-Seek", the Unseen University's Bursar discovered a corpse in his closet. The corpse had gotten there via unknown magic, and without his boots. The body has been identified as a known and wanted criminal nicknamed Chickenwire. He reportedly belonged to a gang of several unlicensed thieves, whose corpses were also found throughout the city. Later, during the annual Hogswatch feast, an Assassin appeared from nowhere right at the dining table. He was carrying a strange, almost transparent sword, which managed to slice through the entire table. The Assassins' Guild has identified this person as Mister Jonathan Teatime, but gave no other details about him. A search is being made for Mr. Teatime, but so far with no results. Other Strange Happenings in UU These were not the only bizarre occurrences in the Unseen University last night. All through the evening, strange little demons and fairies were popping up in the University, such as the Verruca Gnome, the Hair Loss Fairy, the Eater of Socks, the Oh God of Hangovers, and the Cheerful Fairy (along with her Blue Hen of Happiness). This was found to be caused by a lack of belief, which means there is spare belief sloshing around. This causes "household gods" (such as those described) to appear if people can believe in them. Of course, you probably didn't understand a word of that, cause I sure didn't, bugger all this for a lark. I'm going down to the Drum for a drink. |
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| continued on page 2 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| INSIDE THIS ISSUE P.1 Fake Hogfather Imposter P.1 Disturbances at Unseen University P.2 Letters to the Editor P.2-3 Advertisements P.3 Do YOU Believe? P.3 "Ask Goodie Whiffle" |
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| The Ankh Morpork Daily 1 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| asked for. He proceeded to give each child the gift, for absolutely no charge. Obviously, Mr. Crumley was enraged. He summoned two officers of the City Watch to arrest the Hogfather imposter, but they were apparently bribed with a "Burleigh and Stronginthearm"; crossbow. A search is being carried out for the fake imposter. Unfortunately, no-one can recall any notable feature on him, other then a general sense of extreme thinness. If you have any information, please contact Mr. Crumley at P.O. Box 835, Ankh Morpork. |
A-M Daily, Once again, I'm writing to complain about the "Unreal Estates" by the Unseen University. Hah, it's fine for them bloody wizards, they've got protection spells and all that stuff. It's obvious that if they throw away tons of old spells, they'll interfere with each other, and who knows what happens next? Sure, there used to be warning signs, but in this city those might as well say "good firewood." My family used to own property there, and great-grandpa says you'd wake up and the floor was higher then the ceiling, and if the dog came in with something in it's mouth, everyone would have to jump behind the couch. He went to complain to the head wizard, and you know what he said? He said, "Oh, there might be some temp'ry inconvenience now, my good man, but you just come back in fifty thousand years." Bloody wizards. Ernie |
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| Letters To The Editor Dear Ankh-Morpork Daily, I'm writing to share with all the citizens of our fair city something amazing I saw last night. While dining at a friend's house, one of my host's children started crying in the other room. Their governess, wearing a nightdress and carrying a poker, came out with the child, who was imagining some sort of monster in the cellar. The governess, a young lady named Susan, went down to the cellar, where the "monster" was, with the poker, while the child waited with us. Shortly, we heard some terrible noises I don't know how the girl managed to achieve, and then Susan came back up. We all noticed that she had bent the poker to make it seem as if she had "hit" the "monster". And, lo and behold, the cute little child was no longer scared! This psychological method comforted the child and made her feel much better! I strongly suggest a similar approach to other parents whose kids are imagining monsters and goblins. Sllort Llareggub Newspaper, I would like to tell everyone about a nice book I have read. It is called Happy Times, and is nearly 6 pages long. It took me a whole week to read it, but it was worth it, and I am now reading it again, and it is just as good. The book is about Jane and her dog Spot. You should read it. Banjo |
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| ADVERTISEMENTS: LOOKING FOR "THE LIFE AND TIMES OF GENERAL TACTICUS", "DE CHELONIAN MOBILE", "THE WORKS OF WILLIAM WAVESWORD", HIRARCH'S "THEOLOGIES", AND OTHER SUITABLE READING MATERIAL FOR A TEN-YEAR OLD. CONTACT SUSAN STO-HELIT. WILL PURCHASE EYEBALLS AT ANY PRICE. ASK FOR QOUTH THE RAVEN. HOGSWATCH SURPLUS SALE AT CRUMLEY'S MALL. LOTS OF GREAT MERCHENDISE LEFT OVER! ART LESSONS, PAINTINGS AND PORTRAITS-WILL DRAW ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, AS LONG AS IT LOOKS LIKE FERNS. CONTACT JACK. RAM SKULLS, MICE, AND VARIUS BUGS ARE NEEDED TO REPAIR THE UU'S THINKING MACHINE, HEX. FOR SALE: A COMPLETE BATHROOM AND SHOWER WITH ALL KINDS OF KNOBS AND PANELS AND THINGS. DESPERATE TO SELL. CONTACT ARCHCHANCELLOR RIDCULLY. |
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| The Ankh Morpork Daily 2 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Do YOU Believe? Or: Is the Hogfather Real? Our reporter asked citizens at random whether or not they believed in the Hogfather. Here are some answers: Uncle Heavy: "He exists, all right. But toys ain't made by elves up at the Hub; you'd have to be a damn fool to give an elf a chisel if you don't want it's initials on yer forehead". Foul Ol' Ron: "Buggrit, millennium hand and shrimp!" The Dean: "Of course! When I was young, I would always make sure to hang up a big pillowcase over the fireplace". Susan Sto-Helit: "Wherever people are inanely credulous, pathetically attached to the certainties of the nursery and, in general, have as much grasp of reality as an oyster has of mountaineering yes, there is a Hogfather". Lil' Rachel: "Course not, silly! Everyone knows it's your parents really!" HEX: "+++Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot. +++" |
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| ADVERTISEMENTS: IF YOU'RE OMNIPOTENT, YOU'D PROBABLY JUST LOVE TO TAKE A BREAK, MAYBE GO AROUND AS A BULL OR A SWAN. BUT OF COURSE YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO WATCH THE BUISNESS, ANSWER THE PRAYERS. WORRY NO MORE: I CAN SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU FOR AS LONG AS NEEDED! LOW FEES. CONTACT BILIOUS. GNOMES, DWARVES, AND OTHER VERTICALLY DISADVANTEGED INDIVIDUALS! JOIN THE CAMPAIGN FOR EQUAL HIGHTS! THIEVES' GUILD FAMILY DISCOUNT PLAN! FOR JUST ONE LOW FEE, YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY CAN WALK THE STREETS OF ANKH-MORPORK FREE OF WORRIES! (ASK ABOUT OUR HOGSWATCH SPECIAL AS WELL!) NEEDED: NEW DRIVER FOR TOOTH FAIRY CART. MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE AND A BASIC ACCEPTENCE OF THE SUPERNATURAL. CONTACT CHARLIE. WANT TO BUY: DRIED FROG PILLS. ASK FOR THE BURSAR. |
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