Devil to PayPart 24I saw his face, yeah. My eyes felt as if they'd been fucking glued together, but I opened them. I needed to piss, I felt that. When he told me about the tube, it made sense. It was nice not to have to think for a bit. My head was full of cotton wool. But the expression on his face said it all. Priceless. Abso-bloody-lutely fantastic. Sheer joy. I felt the bed; I smelt the sharp, fresh tang of a clean hospital room. He was safe. I was safe. Thank you, Lighe's God. I went to sleep again, and when I woke up, they were all there. Viggo, Orli, Billy and Him. My own Him. Smiling at me like a... don't know. What do angels look like, anyway? They all kissed me, and hugged me, and told me they were going home to their families, now. "See you stateside... soon!" Viggo waved from the door. The others nodded. Great. My friends. Lighe sat down with a book. "Aren't you going, Lighe?" I had to ask - had to. Because I didn't want him to go. He stared at me as if I was an alien or something. "Going where, Sblom?" "Home to see your family - y'know, mate." He put the book down. "I am never, dude - never, okay - going anywhere without you ever again. Except for work, maybe - and I mean, maybe. Okay?" "Okay", I managed. I fell asleep. They'd taken the tubes out. I was a wire-free zone, now - thank God. I asked Lighe, who was fussing about the room, how long I'd been here. He said "About a week or ten days, Sblom" without looking up, and carried on tidying his CDs. Now I don't know about you - but, to me, there's a fuck of a difference between a week and ten days. Three days, to be exact. I felt he was being economical with the truth. So I asked someone, when he wasn't there. Twelve days. Right. Time to get out of the fucking bed, and start doing things, I thought. I'd been promoted to sitting in the bedside chair, and had a slow walk around the bed every so often, with the physio - but that's all. I still had to ring for a bedpan, or one of those stupid cardboard bottles you had to pee into and, shit! - no pun intended - I fucking hated it. So when I next needed a piss, and Lighe was snoozing on the bed, I thought I'd risk it. The door of the en-suite was ten feet away, for fuck's sake! What possible trouble could I get in? Famous last words... I managed it, anyway, even though I was unsteady on my feet. Got there without falling, fainting or banging my leg. Miracle. I had a very satisfying pee, and went to wash my hands. I was startled when I turned round and saw an old man standing there, staring at me across the bathroom. How the fuck did he get in? Stooped, shriveled, gaunt, wild eyed - he looked like something just rescued from a prisoner of war camp... ohjesusjesus... ...I sat on the loo seat and howled. Lighe came dashing in, and two nurses followed him. "Sblom! What? What, love? What is it? Fuck! Dom!", he panted, putting his arms around my trembling shoulders, and pressing me to him. He was shaking, too. I pointed. There we all stood in a frozen tableau outlined in the full-length bathroom mirror. A fucking unforgiving, impartial mirror showing three young people, and a shrunken old man. Me. My God! I looked again. That was me? "Stop it, Dom!", Lighe whispered, pulling me gently off the toilet seat, back to the bed. I went. The nurses followed, and one went hurrying straight out of the room. I lay on the bed, sobbing, too tired to even try to stop. Two doctors came in. "He saw himself in...", Lighe gasped, trying to hold me as close as he could. "Shit!", the elder doctor said, angrily...well, 'scheisse!' if we want to be exact. "Hoped to give him a few more days to fill out, you know - before he saw...?" Lighe nodded against my head. I lost it about there, I think. "Get out!" I screamed, pushing Lighe off me so hard he fell against the chair. "Get the fuck out! All of you! All..." My voice got higher and higher. I couldn't stop. A sharp needle. I was in his arms again. Darkness drew in. I slept. I woke up. He was sitting there, holding my hand, looking at me as if I were a priceless object. "Oh, Sblom!", he said, his voice breaking, as I looked at him. He was so beautiful. Skin like alabaster. Eyes like... oh, shit, never mind! Just beautiful. And me? An old man, shrunken, stooped. Hair like straw, thin, dry. And oh, God! I was so skinny! Why didn't I notice before that I was so skinny? I closed my eyes again, and pretended to sleep. He went out, eventually. Lunch, I suppose. I had to think clearly, and fuck it - save him from being a bloody nurse to a wreck he couldn't even fuck - I suppose. He'd be better off without me. Yes, well, we're back there, again - I wasn't really working on all thrusters at the time, as Captain Kirk would say. I made up my mind. He would be better off without me. He would have a chance at happiness on his own. He would be free to fly. When he came back I waited for him to sit down, and, oh, God - this was hard - said "I think you ought to go, Lighe. Go home, mate. There's nothing for you to do, here." He stared at me as if I was mad. I expect I was, in one way. "Go, Sblom? Why should I fucking do that? And, in case you hadn't noticed, dude - I am home. I told you. I'm not going anywhere, anywhere without you." The look on his face was one of sheer agony. God, I had to save him from me... let him go. I loved him - love him - so much, it wasn't fair to cage him in. "I could call someone and have you chucked out, mate. Will you go, now?" I tried not to look at him. I couldn't stand it. "Sblom", his voice was firm. "I told you before - I'm staying." He looked me straight in the eye. "Tell me you don't love me, and I'll go. Tell me that, Dom - and make me believe it." "I don't love you any more. Go." I said, not meeting his gaze. I let go of his hand. "Fuck off, Lighe. Please." He stood up. "You, Dominic Monaghan are a fucking liar. If you think for one second I'm leaving you here, you can fucking forget it. I love you, and you know it... you love me, and you know that, too. If this is some crackpot scheme to wallow in self pity on your own, dude... you can forget that, too." His voice rose... Lighe, my Lighe was shouting at me... shouting. My God, he looked fucking ... to use his own favourite word... awesome. "I know what you're doing, Monaghan. You are sacrificing yourself on the altars of lurve because you think I - I - will be better off without you. Well, let me tell you something, mate - you have every right to sacrifice yourself to whatever cause you think best... but you have no right, no right at all to sacrifice me." "And it would be a sacrifice because without you, you daft cunt, I'd have nothing... d'you understand? After all we've had together in these past weeks ... nothing. Do you think so little of that day in the cave, when you held me, and loved me, Sblom? When I came, lying naked in your arms and it was so beautiful, we cried? I love you... and I'm not going. So you fuck off, dude - I'm paying for this fucking room, after all, so I'm fucking staying!" He stopped because he was out of breath. He was holding onto the chair, as pale as a sheet, panting from the exertion of staying upright. He sat down, and stared at his feet. "D'you think you're the only one who has changed, Sblom? Look at me... fucking look at me! I'm all skin and bone. "Pale and interesting", one of the nurses said. I've lost eighteen pounds, Sblom. Eighteen pounds! My waist is twenty six inches. Even my shoes... I'm a size smaller. The others kept falling off." He looked up at me, and smiled. Fuck, he was stunning! "D'you know the film �The Enchanted Cottage� Dom?" I nodded, I couldn't speak, I was still crying. "Well, he was damaged... scarred, ugly as sin. She was as plain as a pudding. Love made up the difference, Dom. Love can. They were beautiful to each other, just like us... just like you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen...." He smiled at me, again. That smile. My God, and I wanted this to leave me? Did I fuck! I was being a bastard, and I knew it. I held out my arms to him, and he folded into them as if he belonged. He did belong there... shit! He was mine. I'm a stupid bugger I know - but I had an excuse. I was sick. We lay on the bed and held each other, whispering love things into each other�s mouths, until the nurses came to put me ready for the night. After they left, we curled up around each other, and slept, my head on his chest, until morning. It would be okay. We would survive all this...shit... because our Love would make up the difference. |