Devil to PayPart 17They used the feathers from the birds to make a pillow for me. I knew what would happen - I sneezed my brains out. Orli took the pillow to put under his swollen arm. I used my Elijah as a pillow instead. Much more fucking comfortable, and allergen free. Orlando's arm continued to swell. Viggo said it was his own fault for not washing it enough, and changing the bandages. Orli argued that it was fucking difficult to fucking bandage your own fucking arm. Viggo said that was merely an excuse, and that if he'd gone and washed it, regularly, in the herb water, any one of us would have bandaged it up for him. Orli went out and sulked for an hour. Wasn't like him at all. But when you're not well, things change. I asked Lighe how he knew so much about fucking birds. He laughed, and said it was a project he'd done for the on-set tutor on "North". And, his memory being what it was - that is, bloody miraculous - he'd never forgotten it. He smiled at me, and kissed the end of my nose. I loved him. God, I bloody loved him. And the catapult thing? Fuck, he'd been doing that for so long, it was second nature. His modesty entranced me. Viggo and Tino came back from the farmhouse carrying cheese and eggs and milk that they gave us for the traded rabbits, and two ducks Lighe caught. Orli sank his principles, and condescended to eat animal products. He was getting thin. The eggs cheese and bread helped in that department. Well, they helped him. I was a different story. I found it very difficult to eat, and was burning up with fever, particularly at night. Lighe looked at me in such a way it made me want to get better just for him. Several days passed. Viggo was content to sit it out for a while. Lighe was not. I could see that. One night when Lighe thought I was asleep, he went to discuss it with the others. If I had been asleep, things would have turned out differently. But there we are - "Gottes Muhlen mahlen langsam, mahlen aber trefflich klein"� as a German neighbour used to say. "I think we should move on, guys. Sblom needs medical help. Look how thin he's getting! Look how his eyes are all sunk in! Fuck, we must get him some help!" His voice broke on the last two words. It was all I could do not to get up and take him in my arms. That's if my legs would hold me...and I was fucking sure they wouldn't. "I don't think that's a good idea, Lijah", Viggo murmured into the fire. "We are safer, here." "Besides, how far d'you think we would get carrying Dom?" Orli, said on a bitter laugh. "We'd have to carry him, y'know. I'm fucking sure we wouldn't get fifty yards before he keeled over on us!" Lighe stared at Orli as if he'd never seen him before. "But he's sick, Orlando. You can't blame him for that, surely?" Orli shrugged his shoulders, and refused to meet Lighe's gaze. I'm not surprised; those eyes could melt fucking metal when he was pissed. And he was pissed. "Well, at least Orlando can blame himself for the state of his arm", Billy said, putting more wood onto the blazing pile. "And Sblomie's infection was not self induced". Billy glared at Orli, who was looking angry. "Self induced?" He spat at Billy. "What d'you fucking mean by that, Bill?" "He means if you'd taken greater care of it, Orli, it wouldn't be in the state it is now, would it?" countered Lighe, with steel behind his tone. "No one can blame Sblom for the state he's in... he did what he did for...". Lighe fell silent. For love. I did it for love. I thought. Viggo cleared his throat. Tino piped in, anxiously, before he could speak. "Are you thinking of leaving, then? Of trying to find help? It is fifteen miles to the nearest town with a telephone. D'you think Dom could make it? There are many of his - Basil's - men there. They would catch you." I continued looking at them through the narrowed slits of my eyes - I didn't want any of them to see I was awake. "One of us could go. I'll go!", Elijah offered. "I'll go." "No!", Viggo said, decisively. "If one goes, we all go. No splitting of the Fellowship this time!" Billy smiled. "Well, what are we going to do? We can't just sit here forever. If they don't know where we are - the authorities won't know, either. Fuck it - I want a bath, a shag and a bowl of porridge, not necessarily in that order!" Everyone managed a smile. Bills was trying to lessen the tension. It was stretched like a wire between them; I could feel it. "We'll sleep on it", Viggo looked at everyone. "We'll think about it in the morning, when we're fresh." He looked over at me: I closed my eyes. "When Dom can join in the discussion, if he's well enough". "That's the problem, though, isn't it?" Orli's voice had an edge to it. "He won't be any better tomorrow, or the day after, or the..." "Shut up! Fucking shut up, Orli! He will be better! He will..." Lighe stood up quickly and went out through the back of the cave. Billy glared at Orli, and went after him. "Orlando, you have a big mouth." Viggo observed, trenchantly. "Shut it!" I shivered. I was getting hotter. I felt worse. Orli was right. Tomorrow would be no different from today. I was a liability. And a danger. A bloody albatross. It's a wonder they hadn't thrown me overboard. An idea struck me. I know, now, that I was delirious, because I thought it was the solution to all our problems. If I was rational, I would never have thought...but I wasn't, so I did. I would do the honourable thing. Do a Captain Oates - brave soul as he was. A hero. "I may be gone for some time", he said, with a smile, as he walked out into the Antarctic snow to his doom. Well, I was no hero. I'd sneak out while they were asleep, while Lighe was asleep. I could do it. To save him I could die. It was nothing. Not for him - to keep him safe. Nothing. I waited until they were all asleep. Lighe was so tired he didn't even twitch as I struggled shakily to my feet. The moon was up. I looked at his beautiful face, bathed in the moonlight, one last time. There should have been words. Special words for a time like this. I couldn't think of a fucking thing. Only a whispered ''Goodbye, love." Death called to me - I went to meet it. If not gladly, well, for him. I stepped out into the dark night, and it swallowed me, whole. "Gottes Muhlen mahlen langsam, mahlen aber trefflich klein". "The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceeding small..." Friedrich von Logau |