The Loneliness of the Long Distance SwimmerPart 1Elijah leant over the side of the ship, watching the dolphins leaping about in the foaming brine. He was alone - but it was a state that he preferred, these days. After the three - ringed circus that had been The Lord of the Rings, he found his own company very satisfying. It was true that he talked to himself a lot, but at least he was sure, then, of some intelligent conversation. And if this self imposed isolation caused a gap in his social - and sexual - life, there was something extremely satisfying in crying out, "Oh, yes, Elwood! Come for me, now, baby! I fucking love you!", to the bedroom wall...or the bathroom wall...or the kitchen wall - to the wall of any room he happened to be in at the time, really. A shuddering jerk, and an ear splitting crash jolted Elijah from his reverie. They had struck an iceberg, and were going down! The band had already formed on the upper deck, and were playing "For Those In Peril On The Sea", with all their might. Elijah sauntered over to a lifeboat. "Women and children first!", cried the captain, leaping into the last seat, as the boat lowered itself into the roiling waves. "Isn't an iceberg an unusual shipping hazard in the Pacific?", Elijah called down to the captain, as the boat hit the swell. The captain raised his shoulders in a universal gesture of incomprehension. "Beats me, Mr Wood! Are you a good swimmer?" Elijah sighed. Another fan who had never seen Flipper! Bloody Frodo was all they knew! Oh, fuck it! Elijah executed a perfect dive over the side of the sinking vessel, causing an Olympic diving judge on the third lifeboat to mentally score it at 9.9, and struck out for land. Two hours later, Elijah landed on a small uninhabited island that consisted of several coconut trees, bananas, various fresh water springs and a colony of very large crabs. "Right!", Elijah thought, rubbing his hands together, "crab supper, shelter and bed!" He lit a very successful fire with his little green lighter, broiled a crab in an old can he found on the shoreline, and, finding, to his delight, a case of Taittinger, a can opener, sixteen boxes of assorted canned meats, fish and fruit, together with two ballgowns and a knife washed up on the beach, dressed for dinner, and ate it in solitary splendour. "Tomorrow night, the blue gown!", he said to a passing turtle. "And turtle soup! Pity about the canned fish - some vegetables would've been fucking nice!" The turtle vouchsafed no reply, which was just as well. Time and to spare for talking to the indigenous fauna. Elijah finished off his first night on the island with a very satisfying wank. His screams of passion - "Oh, Lijah, you stud! Fuck me, baby!", startled a tiny lemur into falling off its perch into the soft sand below. Its mother wearily went after it, and restored it to its original position, resolving to move house on the following day. "The place is too crowded!", she explained to her husband, as the dawn rose up like thunder, pointing out the man sleeping under the banana leaves. "We'll have to go!" They went. Elijah slept on, oblivious to searching helicopters, flashing mine sweepers, motor boats and a flotilla of small vessels collecting people from the waters. By lunchtime, when he woke, there was silence. A small loris came up and snuggled under Elijah's chin. It woke him up. He held it in the palm of his hand, and smoothed it. Tiny little thing! Elijah surveyed his domain. He liked it! "Right, Monkey", he said to himself - and the loris - "lunch!" |