| Spec Ops: Stealth Patrol |
| Graphics: 5 Sound: 4 Gameplay: 3 Replay Value: 0 Reviewer's Tilt: 1 Overall: 1.0 |
| Four words that make people cringe |
| I'm just going to write this review without trying to be so mean. This game sucks, plain and simple. It sucks large, sticky, wrinkly, pruny grandma ass. It's worse than grabbing a cat by its tail and watching it crap. But even that seems more playable than this game. This game isn't playable. It would have gotten at least a 6.0 or so if it was playable. Let's run through a little overview of how a game is supposed to work. Then let's compare it to Spec Ops: |
| -Normal Game- -5-10 second load times -Initiating gameplay -Player understands controls within a few minutes -Player becomes used to the gameplay, can kill enemies rather easily -Player blasts through multiple enemies without much trouble -Next level -Player completes the level within 10 minutes or so with very little (if any) trouble. -Player beats the game within a few days |
| -Spec Ops- -30-40 second load times -Uh, still loading -Just finished loading...but what are these confusing buttons? -What the hell is with this button placement? -Player is shot in the first five seconds of the game by an invisible enemy -Starts over. More loading -Once player watches the game load the load screen (?!) he/she gets killed by more invisible enemies even behind hills! -Player is stuck on the first level forever |
| I loved this game so much that I lit it on fire! That is seriously no joke, it joined the realms of the godawful Driver 2 on that mountain...I went and saw the melted plastic on a rock that used to be Driver 2. Now, there's two piles of melted plastic on that hill. I got this game as a gift. The guy who got it for me must have not played it, either that or he gave it to me as a gag gift, and I will get a better game next Christmas. Either way, I was screwed this year. Is this a sick joke? Someone better get the pooper scooper, because this game smells like crap. Wait, that's too generous. This game IS crap. I hate it. Sitting here writing about it makes me want to go back on that hill and start pissing all over the dried up blob of black goo. I want to relight it on fire and watch it burn some more. I wish I had a video camera with me so that I could tape my little rampage and send it to the developers at Take 2. I'd show them what kind of elephant crap this is. The graphics, as bad as they are, aren't my biggest problem. Hell, the graphics are (sadly) the best part about this game, and believe me...there isn't much there. The gameplay is where this game never leaves the ground before takeoff. How the hell was this steaming pile of crap ever released? Did the testers of this game really test it? Games are supposed to be playable, this is not. There's several things that make this game suck...the most important factor is the AI. Your allies do moves that really don't come from the military, such as crawling on their butt, pumping lead into the side of a hill, and getting in your way when you try to fire. Oh, it gets much worse. The game is hard, but not in a nice way. The enemy soldiers are somehow able to shoot through trees, rocks, and whole mountains...and kill you with one shot! This game makes no sense. How come it's easier to unload a whole magazine from a mile away, but it's impossible to kill them from three feet? Yeah, bullets somehow pass through the AI without harming them. This complaint is really odd, considering that it makes you laugh rather than frustrating you. There have been some bad games I've seen, but Spec Ops reaches new lows. Something like this is truly bottom of the barrel, and that's an insult to barrels everywhere. |