Produced by: Constantin Films (can you say GENERIC?)
MPAA Rating: R (Sci-fi horror violence, gore, language, and nudity)
"Survive the horror."
Hahahaha, LMAO, what a hilarious pun! "Horror" indeed. The only reason anyone would ever want to see this movie is because it's based on one of the bestselling video game series in the world. That's the reason I wanted to see it too. The movie promises spooks and shocks throughout, and lots of gore.
Well, in Resident Evil, none of those are given to its viewers, just one bad time. The script and acting was actually done better in the video game at some parts, and the dialogue can get just as cheesy, if not even a little cheesier. Well, is the movie scary? If your idea of suspense is a sharpening pitch in music followed by something popping at you (EVERY scare is predictable, and every scare tactic cliche is used at least three times) then this movie may just scare you. The only thing that frightened me in Resident Evil was the price of popcorn at the movie theater ($4.25!) and the lack of people (10 people, including us!) I knew this movie was going to be steaming dog crap, but even that sounds better than this movie.
This movie's got sex appeal, all right, but it makes no sense. Why is Alice wearing just a napkin in the climax?! Okay, so I can't complain, but still; it's unimportant and it seems like it's the only way to draw the male audience's eyes to the screen. And why is she dressed in a skimpy red outfit while hunting zombies? If this is sex appeal, you ask, then what is there for the females in the audience? My answer: They shouldn't be there. In fact, no one should see this godawful movie, not even if you're a fan of the series like I am.
Here's the "plot": In Umbrella Corp., a scientist "accidentally" drops a plastic toy vial of some stupid looking food color-filled liquid onto a floor, the chamber is sealed and everyone inside turns into a zombie. Well, the video games have better plots. Anyway, the poisonous food coloring creates the zombies, some cheesy looking, face-painted idiotic monsters that could have been made better by a two-year old. Since the food coloring is inside these zombies, everyone that these zombies scratches gets infected with the T-Virus. Ohhh, no, not the mysterious "T-Virus." Well, this time the T-Virus is actually blue food coloring, and naturally it's hazardous.
As if the zombies weren't ridiculous enough, the movie turns into a big ripoff of Alien early. An Alien-like monster spawns and kills the crew one by one! Where have we seen this before?! The climax of the movie is just like Alien as well, with a big showdown on a moving train (the movie's best scene). Also, some stupid looking dogs come on screen as well. "Lickers", as they're known.
Annoying characters in Resident Evil? You bet! Naturally, a terrible movie couldn't be complete without these. The biggest annoyance in the movie is the Red Queen. She's a fricking little girl, but she's holographic. She has a stupid annoying Brit voice and talks like she's reading a script right in front of her, just like every actor in this damned movie. The characters are the most annoying when you consider every one of them comes near-close to death. These characters will unwisely venture into halls with decapitating lasers, even though it does have an awesome graphical effect when one man gets chopped into little pieces by a grid-like laser. The characters are so stupid that they never like to stay together, they always seperate from the group and wander off to die. But when they do die, you won't really care, they're so stupid anyway.
Well, what's the worst thing about this movie? Well, nothing seems to want to die in this movie. Things that have a whole clip emptied into their body appear to die, but when the characters do the cliched move when they slowly walk toward the body, it pops back to life, trying to scare us. You can shoot a zombie multiple times in the body through a high velocity weapon, and it won't die. Yet when one of the female characters punch it, it dies instantly. Nothing in this movie ever makes sense, not even the plot. That's because there is no fricking plot, so don't bother.
What's the best part of the movie? Well, it's damn funny. It is the most hilarious movie I've seen this year, yet somehow I don't think this movie was meant to be funny. It's not comedy, so why is it funny? Well, it's so stupid, repulsive, plotless, pointless, uninspired, and so repellent to the intelligent audience that it fails to even begin to try to be serious. The only reason you would like this movie is if you are either a) drunk, b) blind/deaf or c) you are desperate for Milla Jovovich in her napkin outfit at the end of the movie. If that's the case, you really need to get a life.
I let Resident Evil try to shock me, surprise me, etc., but nothing happened. I can tell you why it sucks: It's made by Paul Anderson, so naturally it sucks ass. Think about it: Mortal Kombat, Soldier, Mortal Kombat Annihilation, Event Horizon....all those movies suck! I just wish that Paul Anderson would lose his job over this, so he never makes another box office flop again. This movie should have never hit theaters, it should have just became another direct-to-video release because of its generic feel. Worst movie of all time? Sounds like a winner.
Final Score: F