By Kari Newsom
One day while riding my bike a black cat crossed my path.
I had seven years of bad luck.
One morning when I got up to get coffee the damn thing started smoking.
In the afternoon when I was making lunch in the microwave,
It blew up and I said, "Oh, fuck!"
I took a tape out of the VCR and it hit me in the head
When I opened a can of beer it exploded all over me.
When I went to lay down on the bed
A spring came up and poked me in the ass.
T.J. laid next to me and a turd fell on the floor.
The next morning I woke up to see my dad wearing a dress and high heels!
When I went to Florida to visit my friend, I fell through his floor.
I hadn't had a lick to drink but my blood alcohol was 10.8!
I got arrested and while I was in jail, the top bunk collapsed.
There was a fat woman on it and she landed on me.
I called her a son of a bitchin' whore.
On Thanksgiving when I went to sit down
The bowl of mashed potatoes went flying and landed on my dad's head
So he threw gravy at me.
I closed my eyes as a pumpkin pie hit me in the face.
I slipped and fell on a patch of ice
On the hottest day of summer!
I tried to read a book but it fell apart
My favorite CD got scratched
After seven years of hell I threw the biggest fucking party in history!
But while I was dancing somebody pushed me
I crashed into a mirror and it broke . . .
***
"Seven Years Bad Luck Part Two"
By Kari Newsom
After I broke that mirror at my party the bad luck started all over again
The stove refoze my meal instead of cooking it and it exploded.
The heater blew cold air instead of warm.
Everyone called me a klutz at dinner when I dropped the ketchup bottle.
I took wire cutters to that offensive bed spring.
It flew off and hit me in the eye.
Then they all started popping out.
T.J. turned tail and ran while I spent the night on the floor.
I was so mad that I cussed myself to sleep.
My outlaw tattoo (located on my hip) shot his guns.
I was charged with having a concealed weapon up my butt.
I fell through my friend's floor for the second time.
I was arrested for shoplifting when I couldn't find my sales receipt.
Things only got worse when I was released
I was arrested again for cussing in a public place.
Seven long-ass years finally passed and T.J. and I can sleep on the bed again.