4th season 22nd episode aired 30 Apr 97 on ABC. TRANSCRIPT CAST (in order of appearance) Paige Clark ........................ Joely Fisher Spence Kovak ....................... Jeremy Piven Joe Farrell ........................ David Anthony Higgins Audrey Penny ....................... Clea Lewis Ellen Morgan ....................... Ellen DeGeneres Richard ............................ Steven Eckholdt Susan Richmond ..................... Laura Dern Waiter ............................. Patrick Harrigan Therapist .......................... Oprah Winfrey Clerk 1 ............................ Billy Bob Thornton Customer ........................... Jenny Shimizu Clerk 2 ............................ Demi Moore Checkout clerk 1 ................... (?) Checkout clerk 2 ................... Gina Gershon Bagger ............................. Dwight Yoakam Barrett ............................ Jack Plotnick Janine ............................. k.d. lang Woman 1 (at 'Little Frida's') ...... Jorjan Fox Woman 2 (at National HQ) ........... Melissa Etheridge I. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Paige, Spence, Joe, and Audrey sitting in the living room. Ellen is in the bathroom. AUDREY Ellen! You're going to be late for your dinner date with your old college friend Richard! JOE I can't believe it. PAIGE What, that Ellen has a date? JOE No, that she went to college! SPENCE I think she's been in there forever. PAIGE (yells) Ellen, are you coming out or not?! JOE Yeah, quit jerking us around and come out already! ELLEN (peeking out of the bathroom) What is the big deal, I've got a whole hour. COMMERCIAL BREAK II. Ellen and Richard at a table in the HOTEL RESTAURANT. RICHARD So that was two years ago. So then I did the weather in St. Paul, and basically my job was to tell people how many seconds they could be outside before their skin froze. ELLEN Okay, and then how exactly did that qualify you to do the news in Pittsburgh? RICHARD Who said I was qualified? ELLEN Look at you: TV Reporter! RICHARD Not look at me, look at you: Bookstore Manager! ELLEN It's amazing, we're both doing what we always wanted to do. Well, except for me... RICHARD You know, Ellen, if it weren't for you I wouldn't be a reporter. ELLEN That's right, if it wasn't for me, you'd be a senator. Remember how I said: Lower your sights! RICHARD This is so amazing. We're just sitting here talking to each other like it was yesterday. I mean, how long has it been? ELLEN Well, yesterday, when I picked you up at the airport. But before then that, five years. We look great. RICHARD Are you kidding? We're adorable. Susan approaches the table. ELLEN Oh, here comes somebody to adore us right now. SUSAN I sort of interrupt, or am I interrupting - it looks like you finished dinner, so I guess I'm not interrupting, but actually you were still talking, so technically I am interrupting, but now I'm talking so long that I should have just originally interrupted. Nice sweater! ELLEN Thank you. Who are you? RICHARD Ellen, this is Susan Richmond, my producer. ELLEN Hi. Ellen. SUSAN Yeah, Ellen, wow, I heard so much about you from Richard, he talks about you all the time, sometimes I have to say 'Stop! Nobody's paying you to talk about Ellen Morgan.' ELLEN (to Richard) Even if she said that, you're still getting the checks, right? RICHARD Yeah. SUSAN Richard, I just wanted to tell you, tomorrow's interview has been pushed up an hour. RICHARD (to Susan) Does that mean it's an hour earlier or an hour later? ELLEN I guess that's why you are the producer and why you are the reporter. RICHARD I was joking, I know what pushed up means? (low voice, to Susan) It's earlier, right? ELLEN (to Susan) Hey, you just can't compliment somebody and leave, sit down and have dessert! SUSAN Well, I haven't had dinner, so well, sure. Just keep talking as you were before, pretend I'm not here. ELLEN OK. RICHARD So tell me about the bookstore, I mean it sounds great. Susan takes some parsley from Ellen's dish. ELLEN Well, it's amazing, my parsley is just disappearing like just... That is the strangest thing! What... (to Susan) I'm pretending like you're not here. SUSAN Who are you talking to, I'm not here. RICHARD That's funny. SUSAN (picks an eyelash from Ellen's face) You got a little eyelash right here, going to make a wish? ELLEN OK. Waiter comes with coffee. WAITER Would you like some coffee? ELLEN That was it, that's amazing! That was so fast! RICHARD You wasted a wish on coffee? SUSAN Hey, it's OK, I'm sure she can wrestle up another one. ELLEN Yeah, I'll get you some scrambled egg. Au, that's not loose. SUSAN Sorry. III. Richard, Ellen and Susan in the HALLWAY on the way to their rooms. ELLEN I love that part. Yeah, but you know the movie I really love is 'Sling Blade'. SUSAN (imitating Billy Bob Thornton in 'Sling Blade') 'Mh. I reckon I [?] Mmh.' ELLEN (with SUSAN joining in) 'I call it a sling blade, most people call it kaiser blade, I call it sling blade, shaped kind of like a banana. Mmh.' You love how he said banana? SUSAN Me too. RICHARD I take it somebody in the movie talks like this? ELLEN and SUSAN No. SUSAN (saying goodbye to Ellen) It was so great meeting you! ELLEN Me too, I'm glad you staid for dessert. SUSAN Yeah, me too, thanks. Bye. (kisses Richard goodbye) See you later. ELLEN Bye. RICHARD Bye. SUSAN Nice meeting you. ELLEN Hey, you too. Really cool. SUSAN Yeah, funny. IV. Ellen and Richard sitting on the couch in RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM. Ellen drinks from a bottle of juice. RICHARD How about the guy you used to go out with? The guy who used to sit in trees and cry? ELLEN Spliff was a poet. What about Debbie? She had that laugh, that (makes a snoring laugh) RICHARD She had asthma. How about you're boyfriend, Mr. Feeldis? Richard gets up, bends his arm and feels his biceps, imitating 'Mr. Feeldis'. RICHARD 'Feel dis, Feel dis!' It would have made sense if the guy weren't dumb and he weighed what, a hundred and twelve pounds? ELLEN Yeah. He loved me. How many people are going to run out in the rain and get me vanilla pudding. RICHARD I would. Maybe. (Ellen laughs) How much rain are we talking about? ELLEN See, if you have to ask you've answered my question. Boy, Susan seems great. RICHARD Yeah, I don't know what I would do without her. Find another producer, I guess. ELLEN I envy you guys. I mean, what a job. Every day it's something different, one day it's a whale getting washed up on a beach, next day it's cloning, next day it's two whales getting washed up on a beach, you can only save one, you don't know which one is the original... RICHARD Oh, Ellen, I've forgotten how much fun you are. ELLEN Yeah, me too. I'm fun. RICHARD I've wasted so much time dating, you know, models and actresses, I probably should have just been dating someone like you. ELLEN Thank you? RICHARD C'mon, you know what I'm trying to say. It's just that you're smart, you're beautiful... (puts his head on Ellen's shoulder and strokes her arm) Besides, I just feel so comfortable with you. ELLEN (with an uneasy look) Yeah, that's how I'm feeling with you. If there's one thing I'm feeling right now it's comfortable. RICHARD So you're seeing anybody right now? ELLEN Me? No. Not now. Not for a couple of ... er ... Not now. RICHARD Me neither. ELLEN Ha, how about that. RICHARD Oh, I've forgotten how great you smell. ELLEN You know, Richard, it's been a while since we've seen each other - and we all know where smelling leads... I don't think that we should rush into anything. RICHARD Oh God. I'm an idiot. ELLEN No, no. RICHARD I feel like I've crossed a line. ELLEN No, no, what's a line, it's just the shortest distance between two points which is from here to the door which is where I'm going to go. I'm going to... It's OK. RICHARD Can I call you tomorrow? ELLEN Yes, call me tomorrow, why not, I mean, good that we're friends, because it could be awkward. It's a ... , it's not ... (Ellen's having problems with the security lock on the door, jerks at the door a couple of times before she flips open the security bar) All right then. Goodbye. RICHARD Bye. V. HALLWAY. ELLEN Nope, not awkward at all. Susan happens to come by with a bucket of ice cubes and hears Ellen talk to herself. SUSAN Who are you talking to? ELLEN (looks around for somebody) You? SUSAN Well, did we just finish up the conversation or do you want to continue it into my room? I got ice! ELLEN Oh, all right then. VI. Ellen follows Susan into SUSAN'S HOTEL ROOM. The music is playing. SUSAN So, you want to split a five-dollar-soda, my treat? ELLEN No, actually I just had an eight-dollar-bottle of pineapple juice with Richard. Your room is exactly like his. SUSAN Have a seat. Susan and Ellen inadvertently try to sit on the same side of the couch. ELLEN Oh, sorry. Why don't you sit over there. SUSAN OK. ELLEN I love this song. SUSAN Me too, John Lee Hooker is ... ELLEN and SUSAN (in sync) ... so, so cool SUSAN I love him, I saw him in concert. He is a god. ELLEN Yeah, yeah. Me too. I mean, I'm not a god. I saw him actually in New Orleans at the Jazz Fest. SUSAN Oh my god, I love the Jazz Fest. I sold Crawfish at the Jazz Fest. ELLEN Wait a minute. I bought Crawfish at the Jazz Fest. Were you a sixty year old black man? SUSAN That was me! So weird, we're so alike. ELLEN I know. It's really strange. I've never met anybody that I, like... it's like I'm looking in a mirror, like, I mean a fun house mirror where I'm taller and thinner, but ... SUSAN Well, you seem more relaxed than out in the hall. ELLEN Yeah. I don't want to talk about that. SUSAN OK. So, tell me... ELLEN (interrupts) Richard came on to me when I was in his room. SUSAN Really? ELLEN Yeah. Really. Ough. How weird. I mean, I've known him for so long. I mean he's so great, he's so smart and funny and he's gorgeous, I mean he's everything, he's perfect. And I, why am I not interested? SUSAN (laughs) I can't imagine! ELLEN Did you ever go out with him? SUSAN (surprised) No, Ellen... ELLEN No, office romance, that's a bad idea I guess. SUSAN No. I don't date men. ELLEN Oh. (pause) Why? SUSAN I'm gay? ELLEN (getting more and more uncomfortable) You're gay? Oh. How about that. Gay. Good, good. I didn't, I didn't, I ... That's - good for you, of course, why wouldn't you be gay. SUSAN Wow, I thought you knew. In fact I thought you were gay, too. ELLEN You thought I was gay? Why would you think I was gay? SUSAN Oh, wow, sorry, I just kinda got that vibe... ELLEN (gets up and goes to the bar) Vibe? Like a 'gay vibe'? Like I'm giving off some kind of gay vibrations? GAY! (Ellen puts loads and loads of ice into a glass) Yeah, that's funny. No, I think what you're sensing is a very, very strong 'I like men'-vibe and it's throwing you a little bit, so, you know, you're confused about that. SUSAN Ellen, ehm, the ice... ELLEN Ice. Yes. I know. Heterosexuals like ice. SUSAN Wow. I'm really sorry. ELLEN (striking a very 'macho man' pose, chewing on an ice cube) You know it's funny, because I think I know what's going on, it's not enough for you to be gay, you gotta recruit others, you know. SUSAN Yeah, I'll have to call national headquarters and tell them I lost you. Damn, just one more and I would have gotten that toaster oven. ELLEN What is that? Gay humor? 'Cause I don't get it. That's how un-gay I am. SUSAN I've really made you uncomfortable. ELLEN No, no. You know what it is? You are wrong. And that's all, so... You could be wrong, people are wrong. I'm going to get going. No big deal. So... Ellen, again, has problems with the door lock and gets nervous and backs off against the door as Susan approaches her to flip over the security bar. ELLEN OK, all right. I'll see you later. SUSAN Bye. Ellen closes the door behind her. Knocking at the door. Susan opens, Ellen's hand comes in with the glass full of ice cubes. Susan takes it. VII. HALLWAY. ELLEN I'll show you who's gay. (knocks on Richard's door.) RICHARD (opens the door, surprised) Ellen! (Ellen grabs him and kisses him passionately) I thought you didn't want to rush into things? ELLEN That's why I left for a minute. She pushes him into the room, still embracing him, and closes the door with her foot. COMMERCIAL BREAK. VIII. Ellen comes into the BOOKSTORE. Joe and Audrey, Paige and Spence are all there. ELLEN Morning! PAIGE So - how was dinner with Richard? ELLEN Oh, it was great. We had dinner at the restaurant in his hotel. PAIGE Oh, how was that, 'cause I heard the rooms aren't that great there. ELLEN No, they're nice, they're big and they're actually... PAIGE (interrupts) Wait, what? I'm sorry, you went back up to his room? ELLEN Yeah. AUDREY Details, please. SPENCE (getting up from the stool to leave) Spare the guys - guys aren't interested in girl talk. Am I right, Joe? JOE Right on! SPENCE You girls can continue your little gab session without us. Spence leaves, Joe turns to Ellen. JOE So you had dinner with Richard, and...? ELLEN Well, we went back up to his room so we could continue our ... 'talking'. AUDREY Ellen, you didn't! ELLEN Oh, didn't I. JOE No! ELLEN Yeah. JOE Get out! ELLEN Anyway. So we go into his room... CUT TO previous night at RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM, Ellen and Richard are kissing in the bedroom. ELLEN Oh. Men, men. Why do I love men so much. Ellen throws Richard onto the bed and jumps on top of him. CUT BACK to the BOOKSTORE. PAIGE You said that? ELLEN Yeah, you know, cause I was just so turned on from him being a man and me ... not being one? CUT TO RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM. ELLEN Show me the money, baby! (She rips his shirt open) CUT BACK to BOOKSTORE. JOE 'Show me the money'? ELLEN I had seen Jerry Maguire the night before, so stop interrupting, anyway about two hours later... CUT TO RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM. Ellen and Richard under the blankets. ELLEN (V.O.) We're lying in bed and enjoying a well earned smoke. They smoke. AUDREY (V.O.) Ellen, you don't smoke. Richard and Ellen flip away the cigarettes. ELLEN (V.O.) All right, all right, we were ... chewing gum. They each put a gum strip into their mouths. RICHARD Ellen, that was incredible. Your passion knows no bounds. What's you're secret? ELLEN I guess I'm just a sucker for man-woman-sex. RICHARD I love you. ELLEN Ssh! Don't speak. I want you again. I want you in every room of this hotel. RICHARD There are over fourteen hundred rooms in this hotel! ELLEN Well, then I suggest less talkin', more lovin'. (She leans over and kisses him.) CUT BACK to the BOOKSTORE. PAIGE Unbelievable! AUDREY Awesome! JOE 'Man-Woman Sex'? IX. At Ellen's THERAPIST'S. THERAPIST So, Ellen, do you want to tell me what really happened between you and Richard last night? ELLEN OK. I was kissing him and pushing him towards the bed... CUT TO previous night at RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM ELLEN Men, men, why do I love men so much! She throws Richard on the bed who falls off the other side and lands on the floor. RICHARD Hey, hey, this is great, this is great, but maybe we should just take things a little slower. ELLEN Why? I want you, you want me - let's get it on! Show me the money! (she tries to rip his shirt open, but it won't, so she tries to bite off the buttons) Show me the ... CUT BACK to THERAPIST'S. THERAPIST 'Show me the money'? ELLEN Didn't anybody see 'Jerry Maguire'? THERAPIST Then what happened? ELLEN Well, OK, then cut to fifteen minutes later... CUT TO RICHARD'S BEDROOM. Richard is lying on the bed, bare chest, Ellen is sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, looking very frustrated. A long, uncomfortable silence. ELLEN I'm sorry, Richard, this has never happened to me before. RICHARD It's okay. It happens. You are probably just ... tired. CUT BACK to THERAPIST'S. THERAPIST So you didn't sleep with him? ELLEN Not even close. But I lied to my friends and I told them I did. THERAPIST So it's easier to tell your friends what they want to hear? ELLEN Finally, so they have something to work with. So that's basically it. You know, no major problems, nothing pressing. What kind of vibe do you get from me? THERAPIST I'm sensing a little tension? ELLEN That's right, tense, tension, I have tension. You can read vibes. Yeah. Good. It's no wonder you have a degree on your ... You do have a degree, don't you? Oh, Yale. Couldn't get into Harvard, ha? THERAPIST You made that same joke last session, Ellen. Is there something you want to talk about? ELLEN Well, as a matter of fact, yes. You know what I hate? I'll tell you what I hate. I hate when people make assumptions about you, you know? Especially when that 'you' is me. It's not like I haven't had boyfriends, you know, just cause I don't happen to have a boyfriend right now, you know? I'm choosy, what's wrong with that. If I wasn't choosy I'd be Mrs. Larry Gladstone, wife of my eighth grade boyfriend. THERAPIST There is nothing wrong with being choosy, Ellen. ELLEN Right. Exactly. And it's not like I'm looking for perfection, you know, I just want someone special, someone I click with. THERAPIST And obviously you didn't click with Richard? (Ellen shakes her head) Has there ever been anyone you felt you clicked with? (Ellen looks up) And what was his name? ELLEN Susan. X. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Spence and Paige are sitting on the sofa. Ellen comes through the front door. SPENCE Hey, you've got a message from Richard on your machine. Ellen operates the answering machine. RICHARD (from the machine) Ellen, hi, it's Richard. We have to cancel tonight. I have to take an eight o'clock flight to Pittsburgh, a baby panda was born, I'm assuming at the zoo? Sorry I missed you. Bye. PAIGE Mh, why do all the good ones always live out of town. SPENCE Thanks. ELLEN Hey you guys. Let me run something by you, quickly. If you were me and you, I mean me, were to say something to someone, but you, I mean me, ... PAIGE Ellen - we know how to play 'if you were me'. ELLEN Oh, good. OK. So, you want to say something to someone but you're afraid and then you find out that this person is getting on a plane so you're never going to see the person again so it seems stupid, you know, not to bare your soul, so it's almost like doing nothing, so what do you think, should I do nothing or should I do 'nothing'? SPENCE Maybe I don't know how to play 'if you were me'. ELLEN See, you are me, right? ... PAIGE Ellen, go to the airport. ELLEN Yeah. (She heads for the door.) One more thing: If you were me, would you take La Cienega or the 405? PAIGE Ellen, go! XI. The AIRPORT, at the gate for the flight to Pittsburgh. RICHARD (sees Ellen) Ellen! What are you doing here? You didn't have to come all the way over here just to say goodbye? ELLEN Oh, yes I did, yeah. Cause otherwise I wouldn't be able to give you ... er ... to give you this. (Hands him some chewing gum) Gum. You know, it's for on the flight, you know, the popping and everything, so you've got to have gum, so I should probably give some to Susan too, where is she? RICHARD She'll be right back. You know about last night... ELLEN I'm sorry, it was me, I'm sorry... RICHARD There is just so much I want to say... ELLEN Well, you know what I do when I have a lot to say, I just put it all down in a letter, because, you know, the emotion, and it's better that way, and that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to write you a letter with everything and ... besides; I'll always be the girl you didn't sleep with, which makes me special. RICHARD So I guess we'll always NOT have that. Can I call you? ELLEN Yeah, not if I call you first. All right. Bye. Susan comes up and waves Richard goodbye. Ellen goes over to Susan. ELLEN Susan. Hi. SUSAN Hi. ELLEN Can I talk to you just quickly before you leave... SUSAN No, you know, listen... ELLEN No, no, no, please let me just talk, just... please... SUSAN OK. ELLEN You know how you said in the room, you know, that you thought, maybe I was, you know, and I said, 'no, no, no, no', well, I was thinking about it, and I think that maybe I am, er, I am ... I guess what I'm trying to say is ... I did get the joke about the toaster oven. SUSAN Are you saying what I think you're trying to say? ELLEN What do you think I'm trying to say? SUSAN Oh, I'm not going to say it again and be wrong. ELLEN (walking over to an empty counter, turning her back on Susan) No, you're not wrong. You're right. This is so hard. But I think I've realized that I am ... I can't even say the word. Why can't I say the word, I mean, why can't I just say ... I mean, what is wrong, why do I have to be so ashamed, why can't I just see the truth, I mean, be who I am, I'm thirty-five years old... I'm so afraid to tell people. I mean, I'm just... Susan... (Ellen turns back towards Susan, putting one hand on the counter) I'm gay. Ellen has by accident put her hand on the switch for the public address system, so those last words were broadcast for everyone at the gate to hear. "Why can't I say the word" (.wav, 390k) ELLEN That felt great. That felt so great. And it felt ... so loud. Well. I guess you have to get on the plane, don't you. SUSAN No. ELLEN What? SUSAN Oh, I'm not leaving for another three days. I've got a lot of work to do here. So you want to get some coffee or something? ELLEN Yeah. OK, I guess, sure, OK. Ellen follows Susan out with a big smile. COMMERCIAL BREAK XII. DREAM SEQUENCE: GROCERY STORE ELLEN (moving through the aisles) Excuse me, how much are those melons? CLERK 1 (clears his throat, making it sound like Karl Childers in 'Sling Blade') I'm sorry, I had something caught in my throat. Generally they're 89 cents a pound, but we're running a special this week for lesbians, 59 cents a pound. You want to stock up. P.A. (V.O.) Attention shoppers! Red tank special in aisle two, gay woman in aisle five. Ellen sees that she is in aisle five. CUSTOMER I think he means you. SUSAN (comes by, holding two melons in front of her chest) Ellen! Did you see their having a special on melons? CLERK 2 Excuse me, Miss. Would you like to try our new granola bar, they're the perfect snack whether you're on the go or in the closet. CHECKOUT CLERK 1 Ellen! Ellen! Over here. A sign above the register says 'Five lesbians or less'. Ellen moves to another checkout. CHECKOUT CLERK 2 That'd be a lesbian twenty-nine. ELLEN Excuse me? CHECKOUT CLERK 2 Eleven twenty-nine. Please. ELLEN OK. BAGGER Would you like paper or plastic, Ma'am? ELLEN Paper. 'Ma'am' - that's nice to hear. Thank you very much. Thanks. BAGGER Ma'am, you need some help loading that in your gay car? XIII. At Ellen's THERAPIST'S. ELLEN So, do you think that dream means anything? THERAPIST Well, let me go out on a limb here. Yes. Have you had this dream before? ELLEN Oh, no. Usually I'm at the hardware store having lesbian keys made up. THERAPIST Ellen, if you keep this to yourself, you're just going to continue to have these dreams and then it's going to show up in your waking life as these little clues that get more and more obvious ... and eventually tiresome. ELLEN That makes sense. THERAPIST So tell me, when did you first realize that you might be gay? ELLEN With Susan, I mean, that's the first time, absolutely, that's the first time I've ever felt this way. THERAPIST So what do you think ... ELLEN (interrupts) Well, except for also freshman English. We were reading the works of Gertrude Stein. THERAPIST So that naturally brought up all these issues and ... ELLEN No, actually the girl sitting next to me brought up all these issues. THERAPIST So, OK, that was the first time ... ELLEN Wait a minute, no, no, actually in junior high I really liked this girl a lot that worked at the snack bar at the roller ring, but I kind of liked her because she gave me free curly fries. I guess it's been going on for a while. THERAPIST But you've kept it to yourself and never acted on it. And why do you think that is? ELLEN I don't know, I thought if I just ignored it, it would just go away and I could live a normal life. THERAPIST And what is a normal life, Ellen? ELLEN I don't know. Normal. I mean, just the same thing everybody wants, someone to ... A house with a picket fence, a dog, a cat, Sunday barbecues. Someone to love, someone who loves me. Someone I can build a life with. I just want to be happy. THERAPIST And you think you can't have these things with a woman? ELLEN Well, society has a pretty big problem with it. There are a lot of people out there who think people like me are sick. Oh God, why did I ever rent 'Personal Best'. THERAPIST You can't blame this on the media, Ellen. It isn't going to be easy. No one has it easy. ELLEN You don't understand. Do you think I want to be discriminated against? Do you think that I want people calling me names to my face? THERAPIST To have people commit hate crimes against you because you're not like them? ELLEN Thank you! THERAPIST To have to use separate bathrooms and separate water fountains and sit in the back of the bus? ELLEN Oh, man, we have to use separate water fountains? A Joke. I know, I guess. You have to admit it's not exactly an accepted thing, I mean, you never see a cake that says 'Good for you, you're gay!'. Maybe Western Robertson and Eastern Hollywood. THERAPIST OK then, Ellen, I'll say it: Good for you, you're gay. So what are you going to do now? ELLEN I'm going to Disneyland!!! THERAPIST You know what I mean. Are you planning on talking to your friends? ELLEN Oh, yes, obviously, of course. I'm not going to stop talking to them just because I'm ... Oh, you mean, talk to them about me being ... Oh. No. That's none of their business, no. THERAPIST Well, do you think you'd feel more comfortable talking to your parents? ELLEN All right, you win, I'll talk to my friends. XIV. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen and Peter in the kitchen preparing food. ELLEN Thanks for coming early to help me set up. PETER I live to serve. ELLEN 'Cause there's no way I could have prepared cheese and crackers for seven people all by myself. PETER You know what you need? A melon baller. ELLEN I'm gay. (Peter is startled.) So, where would I find one of those melon ballers? PETER (beside himself with joy) Oh Ellen, at the grocery store, at the grocery store! I'm so proud of you! (he gives her a big hug) ELLEN Thanks. We're still not talking about the melon baller, are we? PETER This is amazing, Barrett and I were just discussing this the other day. ELLEN You discussed this with Barrett? PETER Oh yeah. ELLEN What, were you just sitting around sipping international coffees and decided, let's discuss Ellen's sexuality? PETER Caf� Vienna, how do you know? So, who else have you told? ELLEN You're the first. (Peter is touched) And my therapist, and Susan, and the people waiting for departing flight 368 to Pittsburgh. PETER Susan? ELLEN Yeah. The woman I'm in love with. So, you know, it shouldn't be a big deal telling my friends, you know. The people at the airport took it pretty well. Oh god, do you think this is a bad idea? PETER Believe me, telling people is always hard. I remember when I first told my parents: I sat them down, I said: I've struggled with this for a long time, but this is who I am and I only hope you could be happy for me. Then the next year when I entered kindergarten they were a hundred percent behind me. ELLEN I sure wish I would have realized this when I was younger, it would have been easier. PETER Easier, right. It was a real delight being 'Homo-Pete' in junior high. Ellen, it's never easy. ELLEN If that's the official gay welcome speech, you need a happier ending. Audrey, Paige, Spence, Joe and Barrett enter the apartment. PETER Welcome! Welcome all! There's cheese and melon and Chardonnay. Ellen is drinking the Chardonnay in big gulps right from the bottle. Why don't we all give Ellen our attention, I think she might have something she wants to tell us. Ellen? ELLEN OK. All right. I guess the best way to do something like this is just say it, just right out, straight to the point, just come right out and say it, so ... Here it goes ... You know how you think you are taller than you are? You know, you're saying 'I'm five foot eight', you know, and then you finally meet somebody who is five foot eight and you're like 'You're five foot eight?' ... well, you know. Well, I was at the GAP the other day, ... AUDREY Ellen! I thought you had something important to tell us? PETER She does! ELLEN OK. Well, I've realized recently that I ... have ... strong feelings for someone. Romantic feelings. AUDREY Ooh, I've goose bumps. PAIGE I think I know where this is going ... ELLEN No, I don't think you do. I feel like I need your support right now. SPENCE, AUDREY You got it. PAIGE Well, of course we support you. I mean, Richard sounds like a great guy. ELLEN Yeah, he is. He's great. So. So, thanks for stopping by, this was a lot of fun. PETER For god's sake, Ellen, tell them you're gay! (he realizes what he just said with horror) Oops! Ellen ... PAIGE Is that true? ELLEN Mh? Oh, that? Well, it depends on what your definition of gay is, you know, because ... Yes, I'm ... I'm gay. PAIGE But I thought that you and Richard ... you know, the whole 'man-woman-sex' thing ... ELLEN Never happened. JOE So nobody showed anybody the money? ELLEN No, I don't like Richard. I like Susan. PAIGE Susan? SPENCE Wow. ELLEN I know this is a big shock. I really don't expect you to accept it just right away. Take your time. Let it sink in. AUDREY Well. I for one think it's super! (she gets up to give Ellen a hug) Now, what shall we call you? 'Gay' or 'Lesbian'? ELLEN How about 'Ellen'? AUDREY OK, Ellen. PAIGE (obviously a little uneasy) Yeah. It's great. You know, I love learning new things about my friends. And this is new. ELLEN OK, so you're OK with this? PAIGE Of course I am. You know, it's funny, 'cause the other day I was saying that I don't have enough lesbian friends. And, oh, I saw 'Bound'! SPENCE (hugging Ellen) Ellen, I love and respect whatever you do. And if you want to bring a woman home, I'm cool with that. Very cool. PETER See, Ellen, all that worry for nothing. ELLEN Yeah, this wasn't so bad after all. JOE Ellen. (hugs her) I'm happy for you. ELLEN Oh, thank you, Joe. JOE Just one thing: Are you sure this is what you want? ELLEN Aren't you sweet. Yes, I am sure, thank you. JOE (turns to the others) OK. Everybody pay up. Spence gives Joe some money, Audrey and Barrett pay Peter. SPENCE Damn. COMMERCIAL BREAK. XV. The BOOKSTORE. Ellen shows Susan around. ELLEN So, this is the bookstore, and I used to own it, and now I manage it. And some day if I play my cards right I may not even work here. JOE Hi, I'm Joe. AUDREY I'm Audrey. JOE AND AUDREY We're Joe and Audrey. ELLEN They are simple folk, but they don't steal. Joe and Audrey, this is Susan. AUDREY We've heard so much about you. JOE John Lee Hooker. AUDREY It's too bad you have to go to Pittsburgh tomorrow. ELLEN Well, thanks for bringing that up. AUDREY You two look so cute together. ELLEN Audrey, what ... I'm sorry. Why don't you sit down, I'm going to get us some coffee. SUSAN OK. (goes over to the couch to sit) ELLEN OK. What do you think? She's great, isn't she? JOE She's great. Have you kissed her yet? ELLEN No, and it's none of your business. JOE I'm sorry, that was insensitive. But you will tell me, right? ELLEN Yeah, Joe, that's the plan. Can you believe that, I'm clicking with somebody, me who's usually clickless. (she joins Susan) AUDREY Joseph! Look! Ellen's normally pasty skin is all aglow with the warmth of a woman in love ... with a woman. ELLEN So, tonight for dinner, what I thought ... SUSAN (interrupts) Em, Ellen. ELLEN Em, Susan. SUSAN I'm in a relationship. ELLEN Not with me? Yeah. Wow. You're in a relationship. Well, of course you are. Why wouldn't you be, I mean, look at you. Why didn't you tell me you're in a relationship? SUSAN I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know, I thought it would be presumptuous. ELLEN Presumptuous. You know, I mean, just say 'WE don't have those curtains at our house' or 'I wished WE lived closer to the beach'. The 'we' would have ... you know, I would have ... I'm no chimp, you know? SUSAN Well, I didn't know how you felt till now, so ... ELLEN How could you not know? What about when I was leaning against you at the tar pits, did you think I was trying to get a better view of the tar? SUSAN I just thought if neither of us said anything we would just have this and ... ELLEN So there is this ... there is something, I mean, I'm not alone, there is something here, right? SUSAN Ellen. I'm in an eight year relationship. ELLEN OK. I understand, yeah. You don't have to say anything, I just want to know that I'm not crazy, you know? SUSAN You are not crazy. ELLEN Eight years, boy! So it must be getting pretty serious? (pause) SUSAN Well ... ELLEN Yeah. You're going to go, aren't you. SUSAN That old thing, ha? ELLEN Yeah. They get up. SUSAN Wow. This is ... horrible. ELLEN Yeah, it is. It's ... horrible. Well. They hug. SUSAN Ellen, I think you are amazing. (she leaves) ELLEN I think you are amazing, too. XVI. LITTLE FRIDA'S, a lesbian caf�. Janine is on stage playing the guitar. JANINE (sings) I want a woman in the White House A mother on the moon A sister hosting Nightline It cannot come to soon No, it cannot come to soon Everybody sing it loud and proud! Joe, Audrey, Spence, Paige and Barrett are sitting in a corner. AUDREY (stands up, raises her fist and sings along) So let's join our hands together And gaze upon the moon And free as loving sisters Our time it will come soon Our time it will come soon. SPENCE Wow, what was that all about? JOE You should have been here for 'Sister, Sister, Oh My Sister'. AUDREY Now you guys remember: when Ellen gets here it is our job to cheer her up because Susan dropped her like a gay hot potato. PAIGE I still can't believe that Ellen is gay. SPENCE Well, I always thought for a while she might be. Even as a kid, she could throw a football farther than me, you know, climb a tree faster, always beat me at arm wrestling. JOE Did you ever think, maybe you were gay? Peter and Ellen come in and join them. ELLEN Hey, Barrett, how are you, good to see you. Paige, Hi! AUDREY So, Ellen! What do you think of 'Little Frida's'? ELLEN It's cute, I haven't been here before. PETER Surprise! It's a lesbian coffeehouse. AUDREY You've been living in our world, now we want to experience your world. ELLEN Since when did my world become a lesbian coffeehouse? Janine comes over. JANINE Hi! I'm Janine. ELLEN Listen, Janine. Hi. I just realized that I'm gay, so I'm not ready yet to start dating or anything. JANINE Well, good for you. I'm your waitress. AUDREY Oh, oh, Ellen. Your first gay faux pas. JANINE Can I get you something to drink? AUDREY Oh! What do you people like to drink? JANINE Iced tea. ELLEN You know, I'm not really thirsty, but thank you anyway. Janine leaves. SPENCE There are a lot of beautiful women in here. JOE Yes, it's very fashionable to be lesbian now. ELLEN You know, that's pretty much why I did it. It was either that or getting a nose ring. I couldn't decide. AUDREY (whispering to Ellen) Ellen! Eight o'clock! There's a lesbian staring at you. ELLEN You know, I must be giving off one of those vibes again. That's what we do, we give off vibrations and then we pick up the vibrations from our gaydar. So I've heard. PETER It's true. The woman at eight o'clock comes towards them. WOMAN 1 Do you mind if I join you? SPENCE, JOE and AUDREY Have a seat! The woman sits next to Ellen. Then she leans over addressing Paige. WOMAN 1 So, I haven't seen you here before? Paige doesn't know what to say. ELLEN (smiling) Well, it's good to see some things never change. XVII. At the THERAPIST'S. ELLEN So you know, even though this whole thing with Susan was kind of heartbreaking, I feel like this tremendous weight has been lifted off of me. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable with myself. THERAPIST Ellen, that is wonderful. ELLEN Yeah. So, I guess I'm not going to need you anymore. But I thank you so much for everything, and take care. (she gets up to leave) THERAPIST Ellen, when do you think you'll be ready to start dating again? ELLEN (sits back down) You're just trying to make more money, aren't you? COMMERCIAL BREAK CLOSING CREDITS XVIII. NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS. A woman is sitting at a desk. Susan and Ellen are there. SUSAN Here she is! WOMAN 2 [Melissa Etheridge] OK, Ms. Morgan, I have just one question for you: Are you gay? ELLEN Yes, yes I am. WOMAN 2 So you sign right there. She hands Ellen a stack of forms which Ellen signs. WOMAN 2 And sign here. And here. ELLEN Wow, I didn't know it was so complicated. WOMAN 2 Congratulations! Susan! There is your toaster oven! (puts a Krups toaster oven in front of Susan) SUSAN Oh thank you so very much! END |
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